Legacies of Childhood

In a recent post I wrote something about not wanting the things that happened to me in childhood to define me, but that I also know they define a part of me.

Today I spent time with this warm loving woman, she is the most spiritual, religious woman I know, in fact from 1 to 2 am this morning she will be in church, doing whatever it is that catholics do on those first Fridays of the month (can you tell I am protestant? She told me what it was called, but can't remember), she gives her clients her all, she gives the people in the small town she lives in her all, more than her all, when she is done with her work day, she spends the rest of the evening doing things for the ones in her community that cannot do for themselves. Every evening of the week, month, year, she does for others.

But I found out today, she has never had anyone do for her....give to her...no one...she is the youngest of nine children...she broke down in tears today....she has had the roughest year....she has lost at least 4 dearly loved clients in recent months, she lost a wonderful job that she loved. She lost her "baby", a cat that was 16 years old that she raised from an orphan with his sister, who is also very ill.

She broke today, not sure what brought it out this evening, but I was sitting at my desk, desperately reworking the same schedules for the millionth time...major budget cuts going on...and she was filling out her weekly paperwork....when the damn broke....she just sobbed....it was all too much today, the point where she couldn't do it....we were speaking of family....and she suddenly said....

"All of my life, all of my life I have been put down, I have never been good enough."

"What, why, who says this to you?"

"My family, my brothers and sisters, they have beaten it into me since I was young, they told me for years, that if anything ever happened to Mom or Dad, it would be my fault. When my Dad died, I thought it WAS my fault! I didn't know how or what I had done, but I just knew they were right!"

At this point she was unable to really talk anymore, she cried and cried, then we dried her eyes, and she caught her breath. I told her they were wrong, I pointed out who she is, what she does, how she lives her life...tried to remind her to let her God lead her, love her, the way she so desperately needs. Did I do any good saying all that....nope don't think so...but I did do good in one respect.....I listened...I looked at who she really is and I listened. Sometimes that is all we need.

And then I thought, all of these years, all of these years, she has spent all of these years trying to be good enough.....and if it wouldn't have offended her...I would have said, "FUCK THAT, FUCK THEM, YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH, AND ALWAYS HAVE BEEN!"
I didn't, but I think she may have sensed it just a wee bit.

The thing that really got me though is....it has been so very many years she has been living with these lies, these put downs..............she is 62 years old.

*sigh*

The legacies of childhood.

Man Things?

Okay, I have this confusion going on in my brain, and it won't go away.

My husband has been telling us all for months that money is tight, no room for a lot of the miscellaneous luxuries we occasionally splurge on.

Soooo, he comes home yesterday, telling me this extremely long drawn out story, that ends with the fact that he had just purchased a BRAND NEW STILL SEALED IN THE BOX $3000.00 surround sound system, for the astoundingly low price of $400.00. And no, he doesn't think it was stolen property. Oh there is no way he could pass up that deal. Ooooooookay.

Next area of confusion...The Military Channel? Oh please, we have The History Channel, we have The Discovery Channel, we have The Science Channel. So an entire channel devoted to the history of war machines....please please NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Don't get me wrong, there are some shows on the above channels that I do enjoy, I like Mythbusters, I like the ...hmm..dirty jobs show, I liked the fleet of fishing ships show...whatever that was called.....but really I have no desire to become an expert on the B47, nor the B52.

Why can't we just watch the Sci Fi channel, or ESPN? I am actually beginning to miss those really bad made-for-the-sci-fi-channel-movies!

So are these shows just another version of boys and their toys?

Please please enlighten me.

SunBits Sunday

A Quote: I read this in an article, something about it struck my whimsical side.....

"Get back in the sandbox of life, and start playing around with new concepts and ideas."

The sandbox of life....I do like that analogy....as long as there haven't been any cats playing in it too!

Plane Crash: The crash this morning in Kentucky was a terrible occurence, one that had me thinking about all the lives it has affected, there were 50 people on that plane, adding up to thousands of lives affected by the death of their loved one/family member/friend/co-worker.

The thing that once again became glaringly obvious to me though....was the complete and total lack of intelligent questions the journalists were asking....I felt as if they were filling up airtime...their excitement was palpable, instead of basic humanity, I saw a weekend anchor with big news happening now!

So I told myself, you are being too cynical, perhaps just having someone constantly talking about nothing, listening to the not-witnesses, hearing the totally inane fact that the ...god what do you call the road the planes roll out on? I hate my memory sometimes.... anyway that those had been repaved last weekend "Not that that has anything to do with today's plane crash." Maybe all of that is what the grieving need, maybe if I were in their shoes, maybe I would need anything being said, rather than nothing, anything to keep my anxiety levels checked. But maybe not, maybe I would be so impatient for information from the airline that the television would be this familiar drone in the background, not something I was actually listening too.
News Anchors=Drones, yep that was my feeling today.

Excited--an art exhibit is coming to town, and I can't wait to visit. It is called Alive Inside, The Lure and Love of the Sideshow.
It's not really the new artwork I want to see, but the historical artifacts, that seem to be works of art themselves....dunno...it is luring me. Which is kind of strange, because my memories of sideshows from childhood, are that they always frightened me very much.
This is one of the banners painted by David Boatwright.

In addition to the website above, if you ever felt the need to learn sword swallowing terms, go here.

My Worst Enemy

"Are you the kind of person who is your own worst enemy? Do you live your life with doubt, always trying to live up to the standards others set for you?"

"Building self confidence means learning to love yourself. Learn to believe in yourself. Learn to accept the things that cannot be changed. Learn to accept that you're not perfect, nobody is. Learn to accept that you cannot change someone's opinion of you. Quit wasting time dwelling on what is negative in your life and concentrate on what is positive. Stand up and be counted, because at the end of the day when you look in the mirror, you should see your best friend."
~Rose DesRochers~

***

Until this past week I had thought I had gotten past the living of my life in the search for approval from others...and I think I have gotten there....mostly.

But a few things, just a few negative comments, comments from someone I don't even like (insomnia didn't help either)...allowed me to allow myself to fall so low, so quickly. It took me several days to pull it together, realize the trap I was setting up for myself, and just tell myself STOP, STOP NOW!

As a woman with a history of living with different forms of abuse, seeking the approval of others had become a way of life for many years.

I have desperately tried to not let myself place blame there, when the abuse reared its ugly head over and over through the years, or when I allowed a new kind of abuse to enter my life...I would face it, face the fears, the tears, the anger, the rage, the denial. The resulting depression, and self-deprecation. I would do battle and move on, thinking for a time that I had won. Occasionally it would seem a small skirmish would pop up along the borders of my self-esteem, and I would once again pull out the big guns and fight again....each time telling myself that I had won. I have won.

I truly believe that we cannot allow things from childhood to rule who we become now. But they do color how we view our world, and the people who enter it.

So those same things that I have refused to allow to define who I am, and how I deal with life.....whether I like it or not, have defined me, have shaped me.

Being a victim as a child, makes it much easier to become an adult victim, makes it easier to perhaps unconsciously seek out ways to continue to be a victim. I am no longer a victim of anyone else's though. I have become my own victim, when a few misplaced words can affect me, affect how I think of myself, affect me in such a way that I want to curl up and hide from the world, then I realize the war is not over, there are more small skirmishes to fight, more borders to cross.

It's the choices I make now, and the not making of choices, that affect how I feel about "who" I am. There are days when I know that the choices I am living are the very best for my circumstances, the very best for the people I love. I accept, I live, I love, I enjoy, I give, I work, I laugh, on rare occasions I cry. The choice that is hardest of all to make though, is to love me, just me, exactly how I am now, full of fears and shadows. But to love me, I have to accept that I am more than fear and shadow, I have to accept that there are things within me that can make me happy, that can make someone else happy, that there truly is something about me that is loveable, likeable. Because when I set all outside influences aside, and just "be me" I am so content, and there are people who want to be with me, want to spend time with me, want me...they want me in their life, in whatever form that takes. On those days, when I can accept that....the joy I feel is so wonderful, so freeing.

My courage, to fight the battles, comes from a very simple place, deep within me, it is there to protect me from me...I just have to remember to look for it...my battle-armour is looking inside...seeing me...really seeing me....and liking her.


Fi--thanks for my new battle cry... ~BUSTYGURLZRULE!!!~ *VERY BIG SMILE*

Good Intentions

All my dreams,
They gone stale,
And I wasted pennys,
In the wishing well.

I walked this road,
Many time before,
But I never learned my lesson,
And came back for more.

All the wine has lost its taste,
And the mirror no longer sees my face,
Seems I was at one time leading the race,
But somehow I got behind and lost my pace.

There is a stranger in my bed,
And Im the only one in it,
I once had a puzzle,
But forgot how the pieces fit.

I took a bath,
But there was no water,
I once was a lamb,
But was taken to slaughter.

I use to dream at night,
When I was warm and tucked in tight,
But somehow I was woke by the light,
Now its hard to regain my minds sight.

I held a lover by the hand,
Then somehow they let go,
Was it the beginning,
Or the end of the show.

I smoked a cigarette,
Then laid down my head,
I once hungered for truth,
But lies was all I was fed.

I had an acheing in my soul,
I had a hole in my chest,
I was promised the world,
But it turned out to be a test.

The poet she cries in the street,
And the beatnik lost his beat,
I went to walk down the road,
But found I had no feet.

I found a penny,
And wished for luck,
But somewhere between this earth and heaven,
I found that it got stuck.

I went to write you a song,
But somehow the words came out all wrong,
I went to play it for you,
But seems I played to long.

I went to write you a poem,
All the pretty words I said,
But somehow the paper was blank,
As into the despair I sank.

I went to write your name in the sky,
But the sun blocked out the words,
And in turn blinded my eyes.

I went you write you a letter,
To somehow make myself feel better,
But the pen ran out of ink,
And I couldnt find a feather.

I had all these intentions,
Racing in my head,
But the road to hell is paved in them,
Or so I heard it said.

Know that I have you in my heart,
And you were there from the start,
But when tears fall like rain coming down from the sky,
The paper gets wet and tends to fall apart.

I had a dream,
And you where there,
But the dream was broken,
By the cold morning air.

And the sun,
It hit me like a stone,
And so did reality,
When I awoke and was alone.


Good Intentions
by terri--Poets Corner

So many times I have told myself I intend to this, I will do that, I won't ever do that again, my intentions are good, but often times those intentions never come to fruition.... instead I feel like I am living on that paved road to hell.


Spending life getting from one moment to the next, one breath at at time.....taking a breath, expelling it, then taking another.



What happened to racing ahead into life laughing, gulping in air as my body needed it? Living without guile, without self-blame.

Now life is living without the safety net of unconditional love, and innocence lost.

Oh I know all the the good things, the great things of being alive, of acquiring knowledge as time passes, the wisdom gained, the insight, the ability to develop foresight....but somedays...somedays I just don't care......

Somedays...I just want to run into the wind laughing, roll down that hill, jump in that mud puddle, I just want to forget that someone is going to remind me of what I intended to do yesterday, or today, or tomorrow. I just want one day of not beating myself up over my good intentions.

Pluto

My whole universe has been turned askew.....Pluto no longer fits the new definition of a planet...
wtf is it? A dwarf? Eight, eight? Well the textbook industry will be happy. Or a whole lotta people are going to get a really boring job of whiting out a ton of textbooks.

I put in a link to the National Geographic article.

*Sigh* and I thought I liked change....why does this bother me? I am soooo weird!

Excerpt:"Whoa! Pluto's dead," said astronomer Mike Brown, of the California Institute of Technology in Pasadena, as he watched a Webcast of the vote. "There are finally, officially, eight planets in the solar system."

What Is a Planet Today?

According to the new definition, a full-fledged planet is an object that orbits the sun and is large enough to have become round due to the force of its own gravity. In addition, a planet has to dominate the neighborhood around its orbit.

Pluto has been demoted because it does not dominate its neighborhood. Charon, its large "moon," is only about half the size of Pluto, while all the true planets are far larger than their moons.

50 Totally Boring Things About Me

Indigo asked me to play along with her on this List of 50 Things About Me....so I am, but since I am way to introspective sometimes, can't see that it is all that interesting....but anyway...here it is

1. My roommate and I once: got married.

2. Never in my life have I: Crossed the borders of my own country..and I soooo want to.

3. The one person who can drive me nuts, but then can always manage to make me smile is: my lovely precocious daughter.

4. High school was: Some of the best of times and some of the worst of times...yep yep.

5. When I'm nervous: Depends on what I am nervous about, I giggle, pace, chew my bottom lip, and/or jiggle my right foot.

6. The last time I cried was: Two weeks ago, but I allowed that for about 5 minutes, the time before that was in April...when a close friend died.

7. If I were to get married right now, my bridesmaids/groomsmen would be: family, but I really don't think I would ever want to be married again.

8. Would you rather run naked through a crowded place or have someone e-mail your deepest secret to all your friends? Me have secrets...who are you kidding, haven't you read my blogs? I tell all....don't I?

9. My hair: soo fucking frizzy in the humidity...but most of the time I am happy with it.

10. When I was 5 : I was painfully shy, my best friend was my big brother, and I lived beside a river and had the best summer.

11. Last Christmas: I spent time with family, and family, and family....too much Christmas.

12. When I turn my head left: I see outside my kitchen window, which is open, I can hear crickets chirping, and a faint whiff of a visting skunk..ewww!

13. I should be: sleeping right now.

14. When I look down I see: my legs propped up in their usual computer sitting position, one on the rung of a stool/table, and the other curled beneath me.

15. The craziest recent event was: work today

16. If I were a character on "Friends" I'd be: Pheobe, I love her zaniness and lack of fear to put herself "out there".

17. By this time next year: I will be one year closer to more FREEDOM of choice in my own life!

18. My favorite aunt is: too far away.

19. I have a hard time understanding: people who refuse to try new things, people who constantly gossip, people who cannot get past a person's race/color/or creed, people who are black and white thinkers.

20. One time at a family gathering: I convinced everyone to stand underneath a waterfall to cool off, it was 100 degrees in the shade, everyone under the age of 45 did it too! Felt sooo good! I am the family activity instigator, and in the summer, it usually involves water, water ballon fights are the best! I like to get people moving!

21. You know I like you if: smile, say hey, I like everybody....you know I really like you if you have my trust.

22. If I won an award, the first person (people) I'd thank: Would be my family for putting up with me.... because to receive an award I would be totally focused.......and then I would suggest that they gave the award to the wrong person.

23. Take my advice: listen to that little voice inside us all, our intuition...it speaks our truths.

24. My ideal breakfast is: two eggs over easy, two slices of bacon, and a slice of rye bread--not toasted--soaking up that yummy egg yolk.

25. If you visit my home town: you will see prairie, and more prairie, and more prairie.

26. Sometime soon I plan to visit: my favorite great lake.

27. If you spend the night at my house: You will eat well, laugh often at the total zaniess of three of us, wonder who that grumpy man is watching tv, wonder why I spend so much time online, and probably end of with a dog or cat sleeping with you.

28. I'd stop my wedding if: Hell I wish I had stopped my wedding!

29. The world could do without: so much! Child abuse and hunger are two biggies.

30. I'd rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: relive the past 5 years.

31. The most recent thing I've bought myself is: two books, no make that three.

32. The most recent thing someone else bought for me is: lots of goodies....just had a birthday :)

33. My favorite blonde is: oh soo easy..my son.

34. My favorite brunette is: again soo easy..my daughter.

35. My car must have a sign on it that reads: I am an excellent driver and what speed limit sign?

36. The last time I was drunk: ummm define drunk...were my lips numb? of was I just a bit giggley?

37. The animals I would like to see flying besides birds: Pigs, the saying "when pigs fly" it can happen, even if you have to put them in a parachute...anything can happen..if we work at it.

38. I shouldn't have been: so distant from my friends and family this past year.

39. Have you ever shaved your pubic hair? yes.

40. Last night I: didn't get enough sleep..so what else is new?

41. There's this girl I know who: makes me smile every day.

42. I don't know: why people won't admit that I am right 98% of the time :P

43. A better name for me would be: I like my name, it suits me fine.

44. If I ever go back to school I'll: get my masters.

45. How many days until my birthday?: 355

46. One dead celebrity I wish I'd met is: Katherine Hepburn

47. I've lived at my current address since: 1989

48. I've been told I look like: Olivia Newton John, Michelle Pheifer, and my Mom. I soo do not look either of the celebrities, and way way too much like my Mom!

49. If I could have any car, it would be: ohh a toss up.....hmmm. this months favorite is a mini cooper convertible

50. If I got a new cat tomorrow, I would name it: NO MORE CATS! 15 outside and 1 inside is more than enough.

Intuition

Intuition: " A feeling or voice you access all the time. It's the you that says "I want this, I don't want that. It's time to do this, or I don't know why but I have a hunch about this."

Sometimes we get a very real physcial sensation when our intuition kicks in, a tingling in our arms, hair rasing on the back of our necks, or an almost electric-like jolt zipping through our body.

These physical cues tell us we need to wake up and listen to that little voice imbodied within us all.

We all have it.... this sixth sense..... some of us are better at listening than others, or at least trusting it.

I know that I can trust mine, when I want to listen to it. When I have listened, it has never steered me wrong. But there are times when I don't, no matter how much it niggles away at me, I refuse to listen..I tell myself it can't be right...one of the important people in my life has spent years telling me that those feeling are wrong, my perceptions of certain people or events wrong...after awhile that began to wear on me. Just too many years of someone telling me I am wrong, wrong, wrong. So with him, I constantly question, and when it comes to matters that are similar to those situations, I question to the point of extreme frustration and angst at times.

When it comes to most other parts of my life though I do trust my intuition, I trust those feelings that tell me something is not quite right, or that something is soooo right! That knowing is so wonderful....

Sunday's List of Sunbits

Something struck me when I was writing a blog post that included Tim Horton's coffee, and the donuts they call Timbits.....sometimes the strangest associations develop in our minds.

Anyway...It made me think of all the times I come across some small piece of information that I find interesting, or a quote that really has no need for an entire post, or a question I have....these little 'bits' of information that I want to share.........soooooooooooo today is Sunday's List of Sunbits.....will I continue this each Sunday, with a compilation of all the things that have fluttered through my feeble brain? Dunno...but I might :D (that is a very big smile by the way)

My Sunbits for the week of 8-14 to 8-20

Nutrition----eat mushrooms, lots of them, pile them on that lunch time salad, they are very high in antioxidants, more even than carrots...especially portobellas and button...see there is a reason they are so tasty.
Bing cherries are an anti-inflamatory and antioxident...see need to eat those fruits and veggies.

Pain---do you know why we immediately grab our toe when we stub it, or rub our funny bone when we hit iton something? Applying the pressure changes the pain, creates a stimulus that diminishes the feeling of discomfort, because our brains can only receive so many messages before it filters some out

Lidrock--- have you ever seen or gotten one of these? A very cool idea I think, but sadly I have never come across one here in the midwest
.
The backbone for LidRock� is one particularly cool piece of technology that morphs something ordinary -- a fountain drink lid -- into something extraordinary -- a way to bring the latest music, video, and games directly to people who want it. The drink lid actually functions as a case for a mini CD or DVD disc.

This patented* and FDA-approved packaging is as innovative and powerful as the entertainment it delivers. The specialized lids can bring mini discs, featuring music, movies or games, anywhere fountain beverages are sold, including restaurants, movie theaters, stadiums, convenience stores, theme parks, and concerts. The list is virtually endless! In North America alone, more than 20 billion beverages were served last year. For the math fans out there, that's 634 beverages served every second of every day all 365 days of the year.

*Acquired 19 U.S. patents granting LidRock exclusive worldwide rights to in-lid merchandising on top of fountain beverages.

Proxy Servers--wtf??????? I am having trouble with Napster and Internet Explorer...I am on dial-up, I use mozilla firefox....and for months now neither Napster or IE will work, I keep getting an error message about a proxy server, and needing to disable it, or disabling a firewall *did that several times* Grrrrr!


What I am Reading---(yes I have several at once going again)
Nickel and Dimed: On (Not) Getting By in America
by Barbara Ehrenreich

About the Book

Millions of Americans work for poverty-level wages, and one day Barbara Ehrenreich decided to join them. She was inspired in part by the rhetoric surrounding welfare reform, which promised that any job equals a better life. But how can anyone survive, let alone prosper, on $6 to $7 an hour? To find out, Ehrenreich moved from Florida to Maine to Minnesota, taking the cheapest lodgings available and accepting work as a waitress, hotel maid, house cleaner, nursing-home aide, and Wal-Mart salesperson. She soon discovered that even the "lowliest" occupations require exhausting mental and physical efforts. And one job is not enough; you need at least two if you intend to live indoors.

Nickel and Dimed reveals low-wage America in all its tenacity, anxiety, and surprising generosity -- a land of Big Boxes, fast food, and a thousand desperate strategies for survival. Instantly acclaimed for its insight, humor, and passion, this book is changing the way America perceives its working poor.

What I have learned so far.....housing, housing, housing takes up most of our money, yet the least amount is being done about this ever rising cost. This is a very interesting read.

Annie Freeman's Fabulous Traveling Funeral, by Kris Radish

About the Book

For Katherine Givens and the four women about to become her best friends, the adventure begins with a UPS package. Inside is a pair of red sneakers filled with ashes and a note that will forever change their lives. Katherine’s oldest and dearest friend, the irrepressible Annie Freeman, left one final request–a traveling funeral–and she wants the most important women in her life as “pallbearers.”

From Sonoma to Manhattan, Katherine, Laura, Rebecca, Jill, and Marie will carry Annie’s ashes to the special places in her life. At every stop there’s a surprise encounter and a small miracle waiting, and as they whoop it up across the country, attracting interest wherever they go, they share their deepest secrets–tales of broken hearts and second chances, missed opportunities and new beginnings. And as they grieve over what they’ve lost, they discover how much is still possible if only they can unravel the secret Annie left them....

This writer is amazing, she is truly a woman writing for woman, allowing us to see, really see our possibilities, this is the third book of hers I have read, and each brought me a new way of looking at and appreciating the women in my life. And this funeral...oh it is perfect...the best kind to have!

Practical Demonkeeping, By Christopher Moore

About the book

We meet one of the most memorably mismatched pairs in the annals of literature. The good-looking one is one-hundred-year-old ex-seminarian and "roads" scholar Travis O'Hearn. The green one is Catch, a demon with a nasty habit of eating most of the people he meets. Behind the fake Tudor façade of Pine Cove, California, Catch sees a four-star buffet. Travis, on the other hand, thinks he sees a way of ridding himself of his toothy traveling companion. The winos, neo-pagans, and deadbeat Lotharios of Pine Cove, meanwhile, have other ideas. And none of them is quite prepared when all hell breaks loose.

I have chuckled out loud several times while reading. There are several interesting characters, not just the two described above. When I am reading this one.....my kids are fighting over it right now...and I haven't finished it yet :-(

Xdell's post on the Marilyn Monroe Conspiracy, I think he started posting it August 3rd. I am not sure why I find this one so intriquing, maybe because she is such an icon, or maybe because I have vague memories of seeing her funeral on television, or least a news item showing the ambulance/stretcher? something?....I was just turning 3 years old at the time of her death.

Xdel has to think I am a major lurker, because I have'nt posted a comment yet. And one night his blog page got left open for hours while I was away doing other things, I do need to get back and leave off a comment....*smacks hand--bad Sunny!

Complete Me

I came across this portion of a quote a long while ago, unfortunately I cannot remember from where....


"..... our nature is to feel complete, and we will remain hungry and wanting until we do so. It is an illusion because we are already complete........"


It seems I have spent most of my adult life trying to feel complete, trying to find that one someone who would help me do just that...

And I want so desperately to be able to feel, really feel that I am complete with just me, all of me...so why do I keep searching, wanting, hungering, crying out for that connection?

The word hungry....so right....hungering for that need to be filled.

Thinking each time ....this time.... I have found that.... this time the need is filled....and then...that feeling is so fleeting...the smallest things make me question...and keep questioning...but I am beginning to think I am always asking the wrong questions.

Mrs. Busybody

I imagine if you live in a neighborhood or small town, or did at one time, you have experienced the local busybody...the neighbor that knows everything about everyone, she has an opinion about everything she knows too, and she is not afraid to tell one and all.

I have a client who is one. She is 83, a widow, retired RN, mother of 3, grandmother of 10, when I first heard her voice on the phone, I would have guessed her in her late 50's, she was so cheery, so articulate, so well-versed on current events, a president of the local AARP,constantly on the go, she is always giving me tips on great one day trips around my home state. Mrs. Busybody lives in one of the first little additions that were built around the city after the end of WWII. She knows every neighbor, young or old, I mean she knows them, everything about them, more than they realize I think, she has at least one story for every house on either side of the street for at least a block. My first thought when she was recounting these tales to me, was "Oh these poor poor people, do they even realize what she knows? What she tells others?"

But as I have gotten to know her, even though living next door to her might be a challenge, she is also a blessing to many of her neighbors. The elderly ones anyway. She created a system for all of them, a way to know each morning that everyone was okay.

Neighbor 1 raises her the blind in her front window when she gets up. Neighbor 2 opens the outer door on her enclosed front porch. Neighbor 3 has a large suncatcher in her front window that is two different colors, she turns it each morning. That is how they begin their day, if they do not see the morning "all is well" signals, then the phone calls start, if they don't answer the phone then Mrs. Busybody gets out her cane and hobbles on over to knock on the door. If she knows they should be home,and are not answering she will use her cane to bang on the windows. One morning she couldn't raise Mrs. 2 so she climbed up on a large wooden box sitting underneath the kitchen window, tried peeking in, when she could see the remnants of a breakfast, when she saw the lady's walker standing in the entrance way to the kitchen, she started yelling and banging on the window with her cane. (during the telling of this story, I am thinking..my god woman you could have fallen, then where would you be?) She was not going to give up until she knew her neighbor was alright. Mrs. 2 was indeed not feeling well, had gotten up from her breakfast table and gone back to bed. When she should have called the doctor....an insulin reaction because Mrs. 2 decided she didn't need to check her bloodsugar that morning.

This is just one story she has related to me. She has even gone so far as to call a neighbors children in another state, or a power of attorney, and berated them for neglecting their loved one.

She monitors them, on her daily or every other day visits, she snoops in their medications, making sure (she says) that they are taking it properly. She asks them such personal questions, questions that perhaps only a retired nurse would ask, she asks about their bowel movements...lol...she asks them what they have eaten that day. If she feels they are not eating properly, she will then make a special dish just for them to tempt their appetites.

Sometimes she does go too far, sometimes she totally pisses people off, but sometimes, they are very happy she is there.

How far is going too far though? I wonder, as I said, I think it would annoy me no end to have such a neighbor, but as a family member who lives far away, I think I would be very happy that my parent had someone like that looking out for them.

Is it Really only Tuesday? *Huge Sigh*

Grooooaaannnnnn, moooaaannnn, and more groans. Oh my neck, my shoulders. I thought I hurt from the rough time I gave myself on the lake, but oh wow, the tension from work is soooo much worse!

That has to be the worse thing about taking a holiday, the return to everyday life, the return to an overloaded email account, the snail-mail box full of junk, still haven't figured out why I get so much junk mail at work, it is bad enough at home, the voice mails.......more groans.

My mental-shakedown definitely worked in regard to work, I totally forgot that my fellow caseworker's last work day was on the 11th, and she will not be replaced for several weeks, so I get to add another county to my workload, another 75 clients. What does that really mean? More hours, more names to learn, more client quirks to learn, more and more and more complaints....grrrr!

More paperwork, but on the brightside, I got to cancel a meeting, hoo rah! No time for that this week.

Sooooo what else? School has started here, so I got to listen to my daughter's back-to-school woes ......."none of my friends are in my classes, this teacher has a seating chart, lunch is horrible no one I know is on my lunch, I have homework already, god I am already behind in chemistry and its only the first day!" Plus she was an hour late getting home from her "study date" *nods head, yeah right!* She watched Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy....so her daddy is giving her the silent treatment because she wasn't home on time to help with the grinding of corn for feed. That I think is the worst thing....come on...the silent treatment is beyond cruel!

And to make matters even worse....I have no wine, no tequila, no vodka, no rum....where the hell did it all go? I just didn't replace it when it was emptied......more grrrrrs! One small little unwindy drink, one just one, oh that would be sooo good!

So the next best thing! An old-fashioned midwestern comfort food supper.....oh yeah! Fried pork chops, mashed potatoes, gravy, fresh sweet corn on the cob, and the best of the best.....straight from the garden nice juicy red tomatoes, and corn bread.....hmmm nothing better! Really bad on the waistline and the arteries, but oh so yummy going down.

Now how far away is Friday?

ME

A couple things............
I am happy to be home, I am really NOT happy with what I posted last night, but that is one more thing that goes to show me why I treasure my privacy, I cannot even count how many times I minimized the window just to write my whiny little post.....*huge huge sigh!*
My fingers are itching to hit the delete button, but I am also thinking maybe I need to digest the thoughts for a while, plus a fellow blogger keeps reminding me/us all to write for ourselves......and I did feel so much better when I was done with writing about my "mental shakedown" *grin*


Next.....can one steal words from oneself?
In moments of what I like to look back on and think of as amazingly wonderful mental clarity, I wrote something on Acushla's blog in reponse to a quote she posted.......I really love what I wrote, so much so that I cannot believe I wrote it! Now that is CRAZY!

But it is also something I want to remember to remind me of where I have been, where I am, and where I am going.


THE QUOTE FROM HUGH PRATHER

"Just when I think I have learned the way to live, life changes and I am left the same. The more things change the more I am the same. I am what I started with, and when it is all over I will be all that is left of me."

~ Hugh Prather ~

I have deep within me a feeling of who I was born to be...who I was before the big bad wolf came to visit...

And she will always be there...every new lesson in my life changes me...but she takes those lessons and adds them to that beautiful tapestry of who I am, of who I will become, the threads are every color, some dark/dangerous, some soft and light, some so bright my eyes want to look away, but some of those threads are metallic gold and silver, threads that tie me together, that glimmer in the moonlight of my soul, to remind me to hold onto my original inner me, because she is me.

~me~

Too Much Introspection Drives ME Batty!

Huge sigh...........I am home again, and have not come to the conclusion yet if that is something I am happy about, or not, mostly not I think, even though I had a constant inner struggle the entire time I was away.

The 4 days I spent home alone (except for the occasional visit from my ever-hungry son) were the best days I have had in years. As I hit the road on Wednesday, I felt a serenity, a calmness of spirit I had not felt in a really long time. I am not really sure if that came from the much needed alone time, or the opportunity I also had to just write whatever was in my head, to put some thoughts in a form of balance. My serenity lasted until I was within an hour of the lake. Then a tenseness entered my being. I tried so hard to push it aside. To recapture that calm feeling I had. But it wouldn't come. At first I told myself I was just road weary.

That first night when I arrived, the day was done, husband and daughter already asleep. But it was just like being home, I had to mentally shake myself the next morning.....tell myself that I was on vacation...no, I could not worry about work, wonder what was happening, I had to make myself not check my cell phone ( I had told them to call me if they needed to talk to me--they didn't thank god!). I finally locked it in the trunk, so it would be harder for me to get to.

Then I started worrying about my son, had he finally gotten his act together and registered for classes? ( NO, he hasn't!) Again, something to push aside.

Next it was the little tensions between my husband and I, or to be truthful, maybe it is only me that feels that tension....I don't know, if he feels it, he hides it so well...but the tensions of not saying what is really going on in my head.

Anyway, my daughter was very happy to see me, she said,"There is only so much 'Dad' time I can take"....she is very much like him in many ways....but she is also used to spending time with me...and when we have the freedom to be spontaneous, that is what we are.....she said she was weary of having every moment of every day planned. There seemed to be a crankiness between them as that first day of my arrival ended.

So I wondered, was I creating a tension between them that hadn't existed before I arrived? Was it my presence? Or was it just that it was time for an infusion of new ideas? More tension I created for myself.

Then the self-questioning started again, something I had promised myself I was not going to do. I was not going to dig deep and examine my life, I was just going to be, be there, do whatever came up, and most especially ride the water.

So a mental shake each night before bed. Another mental shake each morning. Pushing it all back....not allowing myself to think......

That worked as long as I was on the water....how fast could I get the jet ski going? How many wakes could I ride before I scared myself? How many new tricks could I teach myself? I did scare myself and my husband several times....I realized that I do things on the water that I would never do on land....why is that I wonder.... the water makes for a softer landing maybe?

As long as I had the water to play on, the shore line to explore, a book to read, a nap to take, a short back-to-school shopping trip to take my daughter on I was okay. But each evening.... in our oh-so-not-my-idea of camping campsite, with no campfire except for the last night.....each evening I would sit alone, after they had gone to bed, watching the water, the nightlights of the boats traveling by, listen to the chatter carried across the water, and my mind would start digging away....once Acushla wrote something about picking at scabs...that is what I felt like I was doing.....picking away....trying to get the answers to a multitude of whys.

One night I actually found myself asking the godawful question of....why are we here, what is our purpose, what does it all mean? Oh god....another mental shake....I told myself, it doesn't matter why we are here, or what it all means...the only important thing is our purpose....have I found my purpose for being alive? At least that question, I could/can answer.... yes.....I have found a few of my purposes.....not all of them...but my job...gives me a purpose....my children ... give me a purpose...all the people I love....give me a purpose....the rest of my purposes for being here will come....I have to keep telling myself.....sometimes many times a day, but they will come to be.

So that little bit of craziness I was able to let go of. But as I sat there each night, trying to find the moon hiding behind the clouds, I would wrestle with some new doldrum of thought, it reminded me of a conversation I had with a friend last week, one in which we spoke of someone not happy, not really knowing what she wanted, and not really wanting to do anything about it herself, just allowing her general malaise to affect those around her. I sat there beside the lake thinking, is that what I am doing....burying myself in melancholy? Am I just so uneasy in my own skin right now that I have to find the reason? Can I not just let it go, just allow the world to flow by? So once again I would give myself that mental shake. You would think I would be dizzy by now.

So for these past few days, like a dog shaking off water, I would shake off my thoughts, close my eyes, take a deep breath, let it out slowly, and try to recapture that feeling I had on Wednesday morning....that feeling that even though all was not right with my world, it was my world, and I could live with it, I could make the proper choices at the proper time, and it would ALL BE OKAY.

Then I had the six hour drive home, alone, oh god! More thoughts, more and more thoughts, more self-talk, more burying those thoughts away, I opened the sunroof, opened the side windows, blasted the radio, and drove.....it took me the first two hours, and picking up the phone and calling my mother, just to check in with her, find out all the family news, new people to worry about, before I could put it all back in perspective. Realizing that I choose, I truly do choose how I feel, that I can pick at the scabs of my life, or let them heal in their own time. Sometimes they may get a bit of an infection underneath, and the healing has to start anew, but if I can just hold on to that feeling of balance I had, if I can just remember that there is so much more than my petty little problems going on. If I can occasionally stop worrying so much about how each little thing will turn out...stop worrying so much that I become buried in my own self-induced malaise then the healing will continue, the growth of me will continue, and I can smile today. I just have to remember the advise of a very wise friend who tells me I think too much, and sometimes I just have to let life happen as it happens....... sometimes anyway, I don't think I could ever completely stop questioning, wondering.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I have just been exchanging comments with Acushla instead of finishing this post...it is so strange to me ......there is a woman, a beautiful, witty, brilliant woman on the other side of the world, who in just a few short days it seems has entered my life because of this wonderful online world. Reading her words, has given me a bit of joy, made me realize that I am not alone in my wacky world of womanly insanity. That what I feel is okay, whether it makes sense to nobody else but me. Thank you.

ICE

Just when I begin to think that I am not needed as much anymore some little thing happens to show me that I am wrong.

Eight years ago I had a conversation with my husband that made me realize we would not be growing old together. At the time, I decided to hold out though, wait until my youngest child was enrolled in university before I made the ultimate decision. I suppose I still held out the hope that we would find what we had lost, or perhaps what we had never really had.

But as the years have passed, things have become much tougher, several times, especially in the past year, I have been at the point when I truly thought it best for the entire family that we end now, that I not wait 2 more years. But I stayed, telling myself it was best for my daughter, that I had to follow my instincts on this one...do what felt best in my heart.

Then being the child she is, she would say something to me, something that would break my heart, but also make me think, that yes, I needed to get past my fears, so many of them, and just do it!

One day she asked me if we were staying together because of her, and if so "that was just wrong!"

A few months later, she brought up the fact, that perhaps we would all be better off if the marriage ended...because she and her brother hated seeing us so unhappy, hated viewing their parents in a relationship where we were more like 'pals' than a couple. They remember you see, they remember when we had passion in our marriage, not just sexual passion, but passion in our conversations, passion in the things we did together.

We don't fight anymore, we don't even argue over a difference of opinion, or ideology, except in one area...a very big area, we only voice our disagreements if it has to do with our children.

My husband did not really become a part of our children's lives until a few years ago...he thought his role was to be the provider of financial security...the rest he trusted me to do...at one point when I was begging him to become more of a part to their lives, he told me he didn't have to...that I filled that role completely. There are a lot of things in his past that allowed him to see fatherhood in that light, but that is his story to tell, not mine.

The suicide of a loved one at about the same time as I knew our marriage would end, sent the message home to him...he needed to be more involved in our lives, more of a father and husband...before too much more time passed. It was too late for our son, (he recently told me that) which added one of those huge cracks to my soul, I keep hoping that this will change over time, and they will become loving friends someday, father and son.

My daughter says it was just in time for her. She was able to accept the changes his new involvement in their lives wrought with open arms...because suddenly her daddy was a much bigger part of her life, and she loved most of that. He still left the major job of parenting up to me, but he tried in his rather new-found fatherhood fumbling way to become more accessible to them.

We have very different parenting styles though, very different ideas of the freedoms and ideas that our children should be exposed to, very different ideas of who these two wonderful people are...he thinks of them as still unformed, still moldable...whereas I see them as two very separate, very distinct individuals, with ideas, dreams, passions, and yes even demons. So we do disagree occasionally on what seems to be best for these two very precious souls...we disagree with passion, and fire...but you know what?...95% of the time...he finds that I am right! (had to throw that in there :) )

So with observations from my "oh so emotionally open" daughter, I allowed myself to think...alright, maybe she doesn't need both of us in her daily life, that she would be Ok in a non-2-parent household, that I could face my failure, face my fear, and move on, move on to save myself, and to also save my husband, give him a chance for a future in which he could find the type of love he needs...at least that's what I tell myself. Because I also keep telling myself I am staying for a multitude of other reasons and fears, reasons that are weak and unfair...financial security for me, my daughter, my son, even my husband is a biggie...hate to admit that...but it is a truth..

I was so very close, I had gotten my mind there, and my bank account there, and then one day recently my daughter had to use her father's cell phone to call me, she had misplaced her own. Later that day she came to me, very upset. It seems under my cell phone number I was labeled ICE. This upset her so much, more than I at first realized. She whispered this information to me, and then asked, no begged, me not to say anything to her father.

The thoughts that rapidly zipped through my mind...was I not sexual enough for him...noo I am much more so than he..so that couldn't be it...was I missing his attempts to want to spend more time with me...no after examining that I definitely knew better...then it hit me..he knows I do not love him romantically, I have hurt him sooo deeply that I seem like the "ice queen" to him...and then she said..."He must think you are cold-hearted mommy." That sentence...oh that sentence...brought me closer to tears than anything I have allowed in a very long time. I asked myself, "Is he the one person in this world that I show no kindness to, no love to, no empathy toward? Has it become that bad?" I really didn't think this was true, but my husband is one of the few persons in this world who I don't trust my perceptions of.

That sentence should have also tipped me off to how much that upset her, because my darling daughter has never called me mommy. I was always momma when she was younger, and now always mom. But it didn't, because I was too busy focusing inward, thinking, I have hurt this man so much, so very much, that I must leave now, I cannot continue to do this to him. And so on and so on, deciding I must truly be an awful person.

Then a very special man, who did not laugh at me when I told him the story, told me that I should be honored that my husband had me labeled as ICE on his cell phone. That indeed he had his own wife labeled the same. I laughed, I asked if he was joking. Then he told me.

ICE means...In Case of Emergency, if anything happens to the person, and emergency personnel find the cell phone, they can search under ICE and immediatly find the right person to call. I of course had to google this to see if it were true, and it is.

I am not ICE because he finds me cold and unloving, I am ICE because I have been one of the most important people in his life for almost 30 years, and even though we no longer have what we once had, when the world is not on our side, we do know who will be, the person labeled ICE on our cell phones.

You may ask, how does that one little thing make me decide I can hold out for 2 more years? It was my daughters reaction to my telling her why I was ICE in her daddy's cell phone. Her eyes filled with tears, her whole body relaxed, and she gave me the tightest hug, she was so very relieved. She then gave me one of her room brightening, soul uplifting smiles. I cannot take away her family, not until she is ready, and right now, she is not ready.

A New Look

I think I like this more simple template, seems to suit my mood, I also added a few new blog links, I am at the moment too lazy to visit all those blogs and let them know, so if I have linked you, and you don't like it.....tough shit!

No really, let me know, and I will remove the link.

*hugs* to all my favorite people out here in blogland!

Focusing Inward

Today is a weird day, I am alone in the house, have been since about 10 P.M. last night. I cannot remember the last time that happened.

It has been a very lazy day so far. I stayed up way way late last night, or really this morning, enjoying the opportunity I had to write, to visit with some friends online. It was wonderful, not having to shrink my blog page all the time. Which is usually the case, always having someone walk in on me, and some of my writings....and I am just not quite ready for my children to read those......and I really somehow doubt they are too :) ( I mean what kid wants to know their mother's sexual fantasies, god wouldn't that be a major eewww!)

Sometimes I have this very small, wee little wish that my husband could read what I have written, would he then realize that he is married to a pretty great person...if not the female equivalent of a "horn-dog"? But I also cringe at that thought, because my marriage is the most fucked up part of my life, the area in which I am so very confused, so very unready to address in the terms I know I have to....so it is best that he not know the real me, the hidden me.

My thoughts have drifted to so many places today, I am facing a birthday next weekend, and a part of me thinks I don't care, because I love what my 40's have brought to me....but another part of me...stands in front of the mirror, and I see the aging flesh that no longer has the firmness of youth, I see the lines around my eyes....luckily mostly from smiling....I was told that the other day at work...that it seemed no matter how I felt...I always had a smile for everyone. Is that my mask? My way of hiding? Most likely, it is so much easier to smile, wish the world good cheer, than let that smile be replaced with the anquish I sometimes feel.

Anyway...back to the aging thing....I have lived my life in various types of isolation since the age of 17. In the beginning it was a way to keep my love (now husband) happy, if I was isolated from everyone but him, then he felt secure in me and my love for him. I was able to maintain that for many years, in fact almost 13, then I had a daughter. Her birth broke loose my self-imposed bonds, I had to face the fears, the demons, the loss of myself.

I have very few memories of my childhood, for good reason, but what memories and feelings from childhood I have, have made me who I am today. So, even though there are days when I feel as if life can feel no worse, I still have that snall kernal of me, my soul, that knows I am OKAY, I am a good person, a loving person, I even have occasional moments of brillance, and I like all of that.

With the birth of my daughter, I made a decision, I could not live with the fear that she would suffer the tattered edges to her soul that I have lived most of my live with. I wanted her to grow into a strong, self-assured, confident, outspoken, loving, empathetic, whole woman. Even though she is only 16, she is so close to that....she has her fears, her teen-age demons, but her inner and outer beauty, her intelligence, her innate common sense have all added to what I know will be a wonderfully incredible woman someday. And even though I can only take some small credit for guiding her in that direction, I do take that credit. She is amazing, she has taught me so much, both of my children have. Those two wonderful beings are the very best thing that has or will ever happen to me in my lifetime....they are the blessings and the bliss in my life.

Today, reaching in deep to examine what I want, what I need, looking at some of my mistakes in life...the worst mistake of this past year has been my insulating myself from those two beautiful people...my inner pain has been so great at times, that I could not be available mentally to them, I had to hold back a part of me from them that I never have before, or at least I thought I did. But the great thing about these beings in my life..is that they didn't give up on me...they let me know....and let me know...and let me know...that my retreat was not allowed....that they still need me...that I am not allowed to hide from them...that it is okay if I allow them to see my pain...that it was worse for them to sense it and not understand it..than to just know....I have always wanted to be as open with them as possible, teaching them everything I could about our wonderful world, teaching them to embrace the diversity we live with daily. But somehow, I forgot that they were as strong as they are....they are vulnerable, but so am I , and they let me know that my vulnerabilty is okay, they can take it, that occasionally I am allowed to weaken, and allow them to comfort me.

So even though there are many days, when I feel my self-imposed isolation has cut me off from everyone and everything...I can look at my children...and know, just know, I am loved.

In other ways I hid from the world by losing myself in writing, reading, not even allowing current events of our world to intrude. I didn't even realize that, until a very good friend would say something about a recent world happening, and I would have no idea what he was talking about.....and it was then that I realized, in my retreat from my inner losses, I had cut myself off from the entire world. I went from a woman who had to try to at least catch the morning and evening news everyday, to a headline skimmer. I let my ability to lose focus capture me, entrap me within my own little self-imposed drama.

When we do that, become so self-absorbed that we lose sight of the world at large, things only become worse, more dreary, it feeds on itself until it can become almost a deep self-loathing depression, and for someone who already battles SAD, along with fairly overt symptoms of adult ADD, that is one thing I did not need. To have to battle the inertia of depression, I am not sure that would have been a battle I could have won. The loss of dear dear friend, also helped to wake me up, his death, his choice of death, made me look at life, his life, my life, and know that even though he pissed me off no end by taking his life....that he also left a legacy behind....and that is to fight....fight for what we need to live...to love...to be HERE...NOW.

I feel as if Iam rambling all over the place without really saying anything at all....but it has been so long since I have truly just put the words out there, without some sort of self-protection in place.

My thoughts keep returning to the age thing...in a few short years I reach 50, another one of those ages that in my youth I thought would be a milestone, a time when I would have that autonomy of soul...but it isn't the years that do that, it is the living we allow ourselves...that is what lets us find that center-being with ourselves...the MEness of being alive.

But gawd damn! I am also pissed that I allowed myself to miss so much of the things in life that I wanted, just because of a weakness of spirit.....I wanted to travel, I wanted to wake up in unusual places, doing out of the ordinary things....but instead I lived someone else's dream...oh, a portion of it was mine....especially when my children entered my life...their future well-being became my main focus for over 20 years....I took them to the one day drive places to experience our little world....but in that process I feel as if I lost chances to grow.

I face a fear that I will never have those chances now, that they are something I had within my grasp, but floated out of reach. I hope not.

I do not know what tomorrow will bring, I know what I hope it brings...but it will only come, if I do not allow the outer age of my body to stifle the inner seeking of the real me. I never want to stop seeking, I fear my fears, I fear the unknown, but I keep telling myself, that if I let it, my time will come, I will embrace more and more and more.....I will, gawddamnitalltofuckinghell, I WILL!

Since I am letting some of my anger finally take hold, I am going to say something to all the people that visit my blogs.....leave a fucking comment, even if it is a fucking, "I was fucking here today!"

It is another little thing I didn't realize, that comments mean a lot, more than I would have ever imagined....I have read so many blogs recently that the blogger decided to close down because no one commented....putting a site meter in was probably one of the worse things I have ever done, because then I check it, and see all of these visitors who stop by, and then leave, without saying anything, and it gives one the feeling that you are too fing boring to be bothered with, if that is so, then say so damnit, maybe the blog should be deleted, maybe the blog is a bunch of worthless drivel, maybe it is just a place to rant, rave, puts thoughts in type face so they are easier to examine.

I am guilty also of not commenting on occasion, but that is usually because it takes so damn long for those little haloscan comment boxes to load...there is a lot that goes wrong with blogger, but at least the comment section loads a bit faster! Sometimes I don't leave a comment because I am out of time, and plan on returning later, sometimes I don't leave a comment because whatever the blogger has written has hit me deep and hard, and I have no idea what to say...so from now on, I will write just that..."you made me think, you opened up a thought process that has me pondering..or maybe I will just say, great post, and give them a smile."

Sounds in the House

When I entered the house this evening, somehow more tired than I have been for a very long time, I guess I really listened for the first time in a long time.....I noticed things, that I haven't really even paid a lot of attention to. Gurglings, smooshings, whinings, purrings, thumps and bumps, creaks and even the slight sound of burrowing.

My house is a menagerie, it has been for years, especially the during the spring and summer.

This summer's visitor is an abandoned kitten, crying to be fed. He is about 3 weeks, old if that, it seems we always have a large bag of multi-purpose milk replacer for the wee ones around this place. Last summer it was 3 baby opossums that we fed until they were old enough to wander about on their own....very cool animal the opossum...and very difficult to find a healthy balance of food for, but we managed, once I found out their proper nutritional requirments....yes opossums do have a special diet, one that has to be followed or they will grow malformed...and they are soft, not bristely (sp?) like they look.

We still have the stray Jack Russell visiting, though we all keep hoping he will wander to a new home.....smart little thing...except no matter how hard we tried, he just could not seem to be able to understand that dogs potty OUTSIDE! So he is now an outside dog, who hates cats, of which we have many, too many.

There is the leopard gecko anxiously awaiting his daily fat black wild cricket....he is 10 years old, and even though his little glass and sand world never changes, I think he knows the season, by his food....in the winter and spring they are the skinny brown nothing crickets you buy at the pet store....but in the summer he dines well.
A singing cricket around my house, is lizard food!


Above the lizard cage is a turtle aquarium, I have no idea what kind of turtle, we have had him/her for a number of years, it was rescued from a flea market. He was a tiny thing in the beginning, a little bigger than a quarter, now he is the size of a 6 month old baby's fist, occasionally he will be joined in the winter by a forgotten goldfish that was left in the garden pond, one that is too little to reside in the cichlid/koi aquarium.

The burrowing sounds come from the guinea pig, with an occasional squeal when it hears a sound that sounds like food is coming.

Then there is the inside dog....a lab of course...a big fat lazy, whiney, adorable old lab, and the outside lab/mutley who also hates cats....seeing a pattern here.

But anyway, all these sounds really hit me tonight...and I thought what if they were all gone....how silent our home would be...with a teen on the phone all the time, and only the background noise of whoever happens to be watching tv, it would not be the same at all...

I think even if I lived alone, I would end up having animals of many sorts around the house.

Oh and sometime I will have to tell you about the frozen rats...but not tonight, cause the wine I am drinking is effecting my fingers..

On Being Southern....Even When Y'all Ain't

Southernness

Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a
conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.
_____

Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens,
peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."
_____

Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction
of "yonder."
_____

Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is, ... as in:
"Going to town, be back directly."
_____

Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for
thewhite, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in
the middle of the table.
_____

All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use
the term, but they know the concept well.
_____

Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace
for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big
bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they
also know to add a large banana puddin!
_____

Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near"
and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1
mile or 20.
_____

Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the difference between
a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.
_____

No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing
turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
_____

A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an
adverb.
_____

Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines, ... and when
we're "in line," .... we talk to everybody!
_____

Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're
related, even if only by marriage.
_____

In the South, y'all is singular, .... all y'all is plural.
_____

Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
_____

Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee
are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and
that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
_____

When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know
you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!
_____

Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea
indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea
unsweetened.
"Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.
_____

And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old
ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say,"Bless her
heart" ... and go your own way.
_____

To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your
Southerness: Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the
morning.
Bless your heart!
_____
And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all
this Southern stuff, ... bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have
classes on Southernness as a second language!
_____

And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a
long time, all y'all need a sign to hang on y'alls front porch that reads
"I ain't from the South, but I got here as fast as I could. "
____

SOUTHERN WOMEN

Southern women appreciate their natural assets:
Clean skin.
A winning smile.
That unforgettable Southern drawl.

Southern women know their manners:
"Yes, ma'am."
"Yes, sir."
"Why, no, Billy!"

Southern women have a distinct way with fond expressions :
"Y'all come back!"
"Well, bless your heart."
"Drop by when you can."
"How's your Momma?"


Southern women know their summer weather report:
Humidity
Humidity
Humidity

Southern women know their vacation spots:
The beach
The beach
The beach

Southern women know the joys of June, July, and August:
Colorful hi-heel sandals
Strapless sun dresses
Iced sweet tea with mint

Southern women know everybody's first name:
Honey
Darlin'
Shugah

Southern women know the movies that speak to their hearts:
Fried Green Tomatoes
Driving Miss Daisy
Steel Magnolias
Gone With The Wind

Southern women know their religions:
Baptist
Methodist
Football

Southern women know their country breakfasts:
Red-eye gravy
Grits
Eggs
Country ham
Mouth-watering homemade biscuits with momma's homemade jelly

Southern women know their cities dripping with Southern charm:
Charleston (Chawl'stn)
Savannah (S'vanah)
Fort Worth (Foat Wuth)
New Orleans (N'awlins)
Atlanta (Addlanna)

Southern women know their elegant gentlemen:
Men in uniform.
Men in tuxedos
Rhett Butler, of course!

Southern girls know their prime real estate:
The Mall
The Country Club
The Beauty Salon

Southern girls know the four deadly sins:
Having bad hair and nails
Having bad manners
Cooking bad food
Wearing too much makeup in the summer

Southern girls know men may come and go, but friends are fahevah !


Now...... Shugah, send this to some girls who were raised in the South
or
wish they had been!

If you're a Northern transplant, Bless your little heart, fake it.
We know you got here as fast as you could.....!!!