Someone tried to make my life a living hell this past week...and at first I was so angry....I wanted to find her...tell her what an awful bitch she is.......but then two things happened.....
First I remembered how ugly she is...inside and out (sadly this made me feel soooo good, she spends oodles of money trying to make the unattractive attractive and it just doesn't work ~evil grin~)....and....because of the problems she created...and the 4 hours I had to waste trying to salvage the project she has tried to sabotage.... I have decided she in fact helped me......
I have been battling lethargy, major feelings of procrastination, feelings of just letting so many things go....but she got my ire up, she caused someone to tell me that I could not do something...and in turning me down...they had no rational reason to do so.....and NO ONE tells me I can't do something without having a very good reason!
So I moved on it.....my brain fired up....my adrenaline came on at full surge....I brainstormed.....I troubleshot (shooted?).....I took the problems she created and ran with them....I was hot! I was smart! I was on top of things!
So even though I want to walk up to her, and tell she is the ugliest, vilest creature on the planet...I could also thank her....for energizing me.....causing me to remember how stubborn I can be.....causing me to remember that when I focus on a problem....it will get solved!
THANK YOU , YOU FUCKING EVIL PONDSCUM SUCKING SKANKY BITCH!
I ROCKED TODAY!
Friday, September 29, 2006
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
The End of Procrastination
Am feeling good! Everything that I was so worried about not getting done...is completed, finished, fait acompli (or however you spell it!)
Woo hoo! Large pat on the back for me!
Only problem is.....I now have a whole new list of things to do!
In retrospect, I realized today that I was putting it all off because I was hoping...just a teeny tiny bit....that by missing a deadline, I wouldn't have to go through with the upcoming project, it means two weekends in a row with little or no sleep, and the demon of all Fridays shopping (ugh!).....loading stuff, unloading stuff.....then spending two days standing over 425 degree oil deepfrying pastries..... then draining them, packing them, counting them, storing them, cleaning everything, loading everything, unloading everything, just to load it and unload it all the next weekend.....did I say ugh already?
My daughter, myself, and a small group of other teen-age girls (with a few other very helpful parents) participate in a local festival that is in less than 2 weeks, and in that time period I have to marshall the troops, get others motivated, get them ready to work their butts off for a solid 48 hours! And I mean solid, no time off for good behavior! And then the next weekend we do our thing, in historical costumery no less......if I get really brave I may post a photo or two...erhmmm...mebbe!
I was really dreading it this year, the amount of preparation can become overwhelming, and I have this terrible habit of NOT ASKING FOR HELP! So all the little boring details are accomplished by yours truly. But if all my helpers pull through like they did last year, it will be one like-totally-awesome weekend knahmeen? (hmm wonder how many kinds of mixed slang that is).... and I have to say, after 2 years of training them in the way things need to be done....last year....they just did it....very little direction from me. It was really very cool to watch, it was almost like a choreographed dance, and I am talkin' about 14 people here, there were a few stumbles early on, but then everything just flowed.....every once in a while I would get a "Sunny, is this what you want? Should I do it this way, or that way?" My response was usually a smile and, "You know what you are doing, so do what works best for you to get it done." But most of the time, they just did it, whatever needed to be done, and they did it well, we were actually done 5 hours ahead of schedule. Whereupon I was home and in bed by 5:00 P.M......I still remember how good my bed felt.
In actuality the prep weekend was the best part about last year because, we had a major injury on festival set-up night (ended up spending hours at the emergency room and then back out to the festival grounds to finish setting up our booth), and it rained the entire weekend of the festival, I am talking literally slogging around in ankle deep water and mud, with our skirts hiked up to our knees (which was very unladylike---back in the 18th century, ahem..ladies did not show their ankles...boobage...yes...ankles and elbows...uh huh no way!) So I am hoping for nice weather.....a bit on the cool side...makes things more fun...but lots of sunshine....been afraid to check the forecast though, and not really a lot I can do about it anyway, there is no preparation for bad weather, except to endure it the best we can...not as if they had umbrellas and plastic raincoats back then....also bad weather keeps the crowds down, which means empty coffers.
I am not expecting the usual high level of committment this year, the girls are older, busier, but this is one thing they really enjoy doing as a group, nerdy as it is, they still have a wonderful time.....not sure if it is the dressing up in 18th century costume, the boys at the participant dance on Saturday night, or the entire ambiance of the thing, but every year it is the one thing that gets total enthusiam....total committment from all.
What amazes me the most about the day is that I got all the nitty gritty little details that were bogging me down accomplished, even though I worked too.
Although the day did end sadly for me, I had forgotten an important file that I need for a client meeting in the morning and had to return to the office to pick it up, while there, I decided to check my voicemail, and received the news that a long-time client had passed away over the weekend, so I had to make a couple of phone calls to her caregivers to let them know....that was the hardest thing of all....they work so closely with their clients, and to learn of one's death is extremely hard on them.....I offered both the opportunity to take tomorrow off, or at least a partial day to attend the funeral, their choice.....they seemed shocked...one even told me that she would never have received that opportunity from her prior supervisor...wtf? Someone they were close to died! Granted it wasn't a family member, but still.
Once I was finished with the phone calls, I had this little thread of guilt ripple through me....have you ever heard the saying that death comes in threes? It really seems to for me...I had 3 people close to me die between the months of February and May, then in July, 3 of my employees were all out in the same week attending funerals of either a close friend or loved one. Two weeks ago another long-term client passed away, then last week a ...hmmm don't know exactly how to describe her...not friend, not family...sort of a combination....anyway she died, sooooo I think I have been unconsciously waiting for the 3rd death....we have a very close family member very ill right now....and when I heard of this recent client, after dealing with the subsequent phone calls, I let out this huge sigh of relief and heard myself say...."that is my three, thank god (little g not big G, don't think she had a hand this)"....
Anyway, even with the sadness, this week is off to a much better start than I anticipated...keeping my optimistically-pessimistic-fingers crossed that the rest of the week contains more postives than negatives. Hoping yours does too :-)
Woo hoo! Large pat on the back for me!
Only problem is.....I now have a whole new list of things to do!
In retrospect, I realized today that I was putting it all off because I was hoping...just a teeny tiny bit....that by missing a deadline, I wouldn't have to go through with the upcoming project, it means two weekends in a row with little or no sleep, and the demon of all Fridays shopping (ugh!).....loading stuff, unloading stuff.....then spending two days standing over 425 degree oil deepfrying pastries..... then draining them, packing them, counting them, storing them, cleaning everything, loading everything, unloading everything, just to load it and unload it all the next weekend.....did I say ugh already?
My daughter, myself, and a small group of other teen-age girls (with a few other very helpful parents) participate in a local festival that is in less than 2 weeks, and in that time period I have to marshall the troops, get others motivated, get them ready to work their butts off for a solid 48 hours! And I mean solid, no time off for good behavior! And then the next weekend we do our thing, in historical costumery no less......if I get really brave I may post a photo or two...erhmmm...mebbe!
I was really dreading it this year, the amount of preparation can become overwhelming, and I have this terrible habit of NOT ASKING FOR HELP! So all the little boring details are accomplished by yours truly. But if all my helpers pull through like they did last year, it will be one like-totally-awesome weekend knahmeen? (hmm wonder how many kinds of mixed slang that is).... and I have to say, after 2 years of training them in the way things need to be done....last year....they just did it....very little direction from me. It was really very cool to watch, it was almost like a choreographed dance, and I am talkin' about 14 people here, there were a few stumbles early on, but then everything just flowed.....every once in a while I would get a "Sunny, is this what you want? Should I do it this way, or that way?" My response was usually a smile and, "You know what you are doing, so do what works best for you to get it done." But most of the time, they just did it, whatever needed to be done, and they did it well, we were actually done 5 hours ahead of schedule. Whereupon I was home and in bed by 5:00 P.M......I still remember how good my bed felt.
In actuality the prep weekend was the best part about last year because, we had a major injury on festival set-up night (ended up spending hours at the emergency room and then back out to the festival grounds to finish setting up our booth), and it rained the entire weekend of the festival, I am talking literally slogging around in ankle deep water and mud, with our skirts hiked up to our knees (which was very unladylike---back in the 18th century, ahem..ladies did not show their ankles...boobage...yes...ankles and elbows...uh huh no way!) So I am hoping for nice weather.....a bit on the cool side...makes things more fun...but lots of sunshine....been afraid to check the forecast though, and not really a lot I can do about it anyway, there is no preparation for bad weather, except to endure it the best we can...not as if they had umbrellas and plastic raincoats back then....also bad weather keeps the crowds down, which means empty coffers.
I am not expecting the usual high level of committment this year, the girls are older, busier, but this is one thing they really enjoy doing as a group, nerdy as it is, they still have a wonderful time.....not sure if it is the dressing up in 18th century costume, the boys at the participant dance on Saturday night, or the entire ambiance of the thing, but every year it is the one thing that gets total enthusiam....total committment from all.
What amazes me the most about the day is that I got all the nitty gritty little details that were bogging me down accomplished, even though I worked too.
Although the day did end sadly for me, I had forgotten an important file that I need for a client meeting in the morning and had to return to the office to pick it up, while there, I decided to check my voicemail, and received the news that a long-time client had passed away over the weekend, so I had to make a couple of phone calls to her caregivers to let them know....that was the hardest thing of all....they work so closely with their clients, and to learn of one's death is extremely hard on them.....I offered both the opportunity to take tomorrow off, or at least a partial day to attend the funeral, their choice.....they seemed shocked...one even told me that she would never have received that opportunity from her prior supervisor...wtf? Someone they were close to died! Granted it wasn't a family member, but still.
Once I was finished with the phone calls, I had this little thread of guilt ripple through me....have you ever heard the saying that death comes in threes? It really seems to for me...I had 3 people close to me die between the months of February and May, then in July, 3 of my employees were all out in the same week attending funerals of either a close friend or loved one. Two weeks ago another long-term client passed away, then last week a ...hmmm don't know exactly how to describe her...not friend, not family...sort of a combination....anyway she died, sooooo I think I have been unconsciously waiting for the 3rd death....we have a very close family member very ill right now....and when I heard of this recent client, after dealing with the subsequent phone calls, I let out this huge sigh of relief and heard myself say...."that is my three, thank god (little g not big G, don't think she had a hand this)"....
Anyway, even with the sadness, this week is off to a much better start than I anticipated...keeping my optimistically-pessimistic-fingers crossed that the rest of the week contains more postives than negatives. Hoping yours does too :-)
Sunday, September 24, 2006
My Sunday Sunbits
I am procrastinating big time today....there are several things that I MUST DO, HAVE TO DO, ARE TOTALLY NECESSARY THAT I DO DO!!!! So am I doing them? ...........nope.
Trivia that interested me this week:
30% of all marriages occur because of friendship----this I believe, and they end because one partner suddenly decides that friendship is not enough........or they begin as lust-filled infatuations that wane to friendship and again.... at least one of the partners is dissatisfied....anyway that's my current view on that particular subject.
Ale: Ale usually has a fuller flavor and body than lager or pilsner. The length of time the malt is roasted determines the color and flavor of the ale. Pale ales have malts that are dried rather than roasted. Therefore, they have a light gold or copper color, and a crisp, lighter flavor.
If the above information only tends to wet your whistle for more, then go here.
Quote attributed to Picasso: "There are two kinds of women--- goddesses and doormats"
I used to be a doormat....now......I AM A GODDESS!
Did you know?
During the late 1970's the Coca Cola Company boycotted Saturday Night Live because of the John Belushi character-the greek retaurant owner-- who would say, "No Coke--Pepsi"...I remember this, he would always repeat the phrase several time during the skit. Ah....the days of my youth...I dunno why they cared....I still preferred Coke over Pepsi? What about you? Coke or Pepsi?
Trivia that interested me this week:
30% of all marriages occur because of friendship----this I believe, and they end because one partner suddenly decides that friendship is not enough........or they begin as lust-filled infatuations that wane to friendship and again.... at least one of the partners is dissatisfied....anyway that's my current view on that particular subject.
Ale: Ale usually has a fuller flavor and body than lager or pilsner. The length of time the malt is roasted determines the color and flavor of the ale. Pale ales have malts that are dried rather than roasted. Therefore, they have a light gold or copper color, and a crisp, lighter flavor.
If the above information only tends to wet your whistle for more, then go here.
Quote attributed to Picasso: "There are two kinds of women--- goddesses and doormats"
I used to be a doormat....now......I AM A GODDESS!
Did you know?
During the late 1970's the Coca Cola Company boycotted Saturday Night Live because of the John Belushi character-the greek retaurant owner-- who would say, "No Coke--Pepsi"...I remember this, he would always repeat the phrase several time during the skit. Ah....the days of my youth...I dunno why they cared....I still preferred Coke over Pepsi? What about you? Coke or Pepsi?
Thursday, September 21, 2006
Sound Familar? Pt. 2
Phone conversations, Oh the drama!
bf: Why did you hang up on me?
gf: Because you wouldn't answer me back, why?
bf: Because I am not sure I feel that way anymore
gf: But you were the one that said it first, and when I finally said it back, you were soooo happy
bf: Yeah but I am not really sure anymore, and I don't really have time for a gf right now.
gf: what? WHAT?
bf: Well with my sport and everything, I just don't have time. I don't think I really have time for a gf right now.
gf: What? What is going on? I knew there was something wrong
bf: Well, I don't know, can't we just get together like once a week, you know when I have time? We could make out and stuff.
gf: Wait, you think you don't love me anymore but we can get together and make out?!!
bf: Yeah
gf: No, no I am NOT going to be that!
bf: So what do you want to do?
gf: It sounds to me like we are breaking up. Because I am not going to just sit around waiting for you to have time for me.
bf: Great everyone is going to hate me, cause we broke up
gf: You are worried about everyone else hating you? What about me? YOU SHOULD BE WORRIED ABOUT ME HATING YOU!
bf: So can I still come over tomorrow night?
gf: What? You want to know if YOU can still come over tomorrow night? Why?
bf: Uummm, so we could talk, you know.
gf: Ya' know what? I don't care, I'm grounded anyway do what you want. Goodnight *end*
* phone rings again*
gf's best male bud: Hey whats up
gf: I'll tell you whats up, bf andI just brooooooooooooooke UUUUPPPPPPPPPPPP! *sobbing*
gf's best male bud: Awww I am sorry, but I know what it feels like.
gf: No you don't. I HATE YOU ....... YOU HAVE A PENIS! *end*
*phone rings again*
gf's best male bud: *laughing* I'm sorry I have a penis.
gf: *laughs* No I'm glad you have a penis. I think I needed to say that.
gf's best male bud: I do know how you feel though, and the sad thing is, if she called me and wanted to get back together....I would do it.
gf: Yeah I know, and she is a bitch....but I need to talk about meeeeeeeeeeeeee right now!
I'm gonna call my bestgf, someone without a penis! bye. *end*
and the saga will continue into the night
But damn? I did love the penis line! *chuckles*
Plus mature it up just a bit, and it could be so many of us when dealing with relationships, only I am wondering, maybe they are just a bit more honest about it.
Sound Familiar?
"Gawd! I just don't understand him!" (her voice filled with confusion)
"We don't spend any time together anymore" (she is sounding anxious)
"He doesn't have TIME for me anymore." (her voice getting a bit louder)
"I didn't talk to him last night" (now she is sounding more anxious and confused)
"We talked for all of 5 minutes today." "When we did talk, I asked him what was wrong, he said nothing, why? I said because I just have that vibe, he said, "You and your fing vibes!" ( her anger setting in)
"When I told him I love him, he didn't answer back for the longest time, so I just hung up." (tears starting to slowly seep from the corners of her eyes)
"He used to tell me everything, now he tells me nothing." "He is the one who told me he loved me first, and I told him I wasn't ready to say that, and when I did, he would know that I meant it!"
*leaves room with tears falling, returns 5 minutes later*
"I can think of only one reason he wouldn't tell me he loves me, his fing parents were in the room, he better grow some freaking balls, coz if I can tell him I love him in front of MY parents, he can do the same!"
"He used to tell me everything, now he tells me nothing." (tears really falling now)
"We need to spend some face to face time so he can know how serious I am!"
No matter if it is two 16 year olds, or 40 year olds, does loving someone ever really change that much?
"We don't spend any time together anymore" (she is sounding anxious)
"He doesn't have TIME for me anymore." (her voice getting a bit louder)
"I didn't talk to him last night" (now she is sounding more anxious and confused)
"We talked for all of 5 minutes today." "When we did talk, I asked him what was wrong, he said nothing, why? I said because I just have that vibe, he said, "You and your fing vibes!" ( her anger setting in)
"When I told him I love him, he didn't answer back for the longest time, so I just hung up." (tears starting to slowly seep from the corners of her eyes)
"He used to tell me everything, now he tells me nothing." "He is the one who told me he loved me first, and I told him I wasn't ready to say that, and when I did, he would know that I meant it!"
*leaves room with tears falling, returns 5 minutes later*
"I can think of only one reason he wouldn't tell me he loves me, his fing parents were in the room, he better grow some freaking balls, coz if I can tell him I love him in front of MY parents, he can do the same!"
"He used to tell me everything, now he tells me nothing." (tears really falling now)
"We need to spend some face to face time so he can know how serious I am!"
No matter if it is two 16 year olds, or 40 year olds, does loving someone ever really change that much?
Monday, September 18, 2006
Thursday, September 14, 2006
forgive
"You can forgive someone almost anything. But you cannot tolerate everything... We don't have to tolerate what people do just because we forgive them for doing it. Forgiving heals us personally. To tolerate everything only hurts us all in the long run."
~Lewis B. Smedes~
I have thought about forgiveness quite a bit in my life.....sometimes thinking I have forgiven.
But if I cannot forget.... if in remembering the pain still feels fresh.... have I truly forgiven?
What exactly does it mean to forgive someone?
Forgive:
to excuse for a fault or an offense
to renounce anger or resentment against
to absolve
to refrain from imposing punishment
to refrain from demanding satisfaction
To absolve; to set free or release.
To forgive, I set myself free, free from the pain, free to allow the tears in the fabric of my soul be repaired.
Free to heal.
Perhaps I have truly forgiven.
Will I tolerate more? I tell myself no.
But at times when I look upon the many harms commited on a daily basis, I have to wonder, in the process of forgiving, do we sometimes learn to tolerate too?
There are many things I find intolerable.
I asked though, if I find something intolerable, do I then protect those that are being harmed?
And if I fail to offer that protection, am I not as bad as those providing the harm?
If I turn away in disgust, but do nothing, am I not allowing it to continue?
There have been times that I allowed my empathy for the victim to stop me from speaking out, stop me from stepping in, stop me from halting the intolerable. Why?
Because the victim believes the damage done from my interference would exaberbate the situation. They are able to tolerate what they live with in the hope that less harm will come.
Teetering on the edge of indecision, many times it has all come right in the end, but I still have to ask myself.
What if, what if I had followed where my heart led?
Will I someday find a way to forgive myself for wavering? Can I forgive myself for allowing indecision to win the day? For the intolerable to continue?
so much pain in so many lives because we forgive when perhaps we are tolerating the unforgivable out of love.
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
Who'da thunkit?
A recent phone conversation with my very dramatic 15 year old niece.
"Aunt Sunny, guess what famous person just randomly called me?" (I can practically see her wiggling with excitement over the phone!)
With her age, I am racking my brain trying to think of who this famous person could be, who could I guess? I think I guessed Orlando Bloom.
"Nooooooo! nevermind you will NEVER guess! It was Sylvia Brown! Isn't that soooooo cool?"
"Who?"
"Sylvia Brown!"
"Who?"
"SYLVIA BROWN!" "You DON'T KNOW who Sylvia Brown IS?"
"Nope, who is she?"
"My GAWD!!! She is like this really famous psychic! She is on Montel like every Tuesday (or some such day, I don't remember). I can't believe you don't know who she is, my GAWD! She is like soooo famous!"
"Really? That is pretty cool. And is she right most of the time?"
"Oh gawd yes! Like ALL the time!"
"What did she want? Why was she calling you?"
"Welllllll, she wasn't really calling meee...... she must have had a wrong number. But she kept leaving these messages for Maria (now if you know Sylvia's voice, this adorable mimic imitated her voice every time she said the name Maria! exclamation points included, or at least I am assuming it was Sylvia's because it certainly wasn't hers)
"Anyway, she would say..."Maria?! Maria!? Maria!? Are you there? I have some really good news about your case, have your mother call me! Maria!?" Gawd this is just sooooo cool!"
" Aunt Sunny, then she called back again! And said, "Maria!? Maria!? Oh why aren't you home? You should be home! Call me! I have some great news! Call me back as soon as you get home!"
She left like 4 messages on our answering machine! It was soooo cool, I called like everybody I know and played them for them. Ohhh I can't believe you don't know who Sylvia Brown is!"
"Do you think I should check the caller ID and let her know she had the wrong number?.....Oooh that would be sooo cool!"
"Honey, I think you had better ask your Mom that question."
"Okay bye! this is sooooo coool!"
"Maria! Maria! Maria!" (again with the imitation of Sylvia before she hung up)
It still makes me smile, I can hear her doing her Sylvia imitation even now.
"Aunt Sunny, guess what famous person just randomly called me?" (I can practically see her wiggling with excitement over the phone!)
With her age, I am racking my brain trying to think of who this famous person could be, who could I guess? I think I guessed Orlando Bloom.
"Nooooooo! nevermind you will NEVER guess! It was Sylvia Brown! Isn't that soooooo cool?"
"Who?"
"Sylvia Brown!"
"Who?"
"SYLVIA BROWN!" "You DON'T KNOW who Sylvia Brown IS?"
"Nope, who is she?"
"My GAWD!!! She is like this really famous psychic! She is on Montel like every Tuesday (or some such day, I don't remember). I can't believe you don't know who she is, my GAWD! She is like soooo famous!"
"Really? That is pretty cool. And is she right most of the time?"
"Oh gawd yes! Like ALL the time!"
"What did she want? Why was she calling you?"
"Welllllll, she wasn't really calling meee...... she must have had a wrong number. But she kept leaving these messages for Maria (now if you know Sylvia's voice, this adorable mimic imitated her voice every time she said the name Maria! exclamation points included, or at least I am assuming it was Sylvia's because it certainly wasn't hers)
"Anyway, she would say..."Maria?! Maria!? Maria!? Are you there? I have some really good news about your case, have your mother call me! Maria!?" Gawd this is just sooooo cool!"
" Aunt Sunny, then she called back again! And said, "Maria!? Maria!? Oh why aren't you home? You should be home! Call me! I have some great news! Call me back as soon as you get home!"
She left like 4 messages on our answering machine! It was soooo cool, I called like everybody I know and played them for them. Ohhh I can't believe you don't know who Sylvia Brown is!"
"Do you think I should check the caller ID and let her know she had the wrong number?.....Oooh that would be sooo cool!"
"Honey, I think you had better ask your Mom that question."
"Okay bye! this is sooooo coool!"
"Maria! Maria! Maria!" (again with the imitation of Sylvia before she hung up)
It still makes me smile, I can hear her doing her Sylvia imitation even now.
Why?
Remember in literature, or english class when we were taught the basic questions for creating a story line, the who, what, where, why, and how?
The other night, I was completing a character sketch for a story I am working on, when it hit me, perhaps I should fill out one on myself. If I did, would I perhaps learn some things about myself that I have not really spent much time thinking about? Or at least maybe the questions would focus my thoughts more, help me determine some reasons why I do the things I do, make the decisions I make, or in reverse, why there are some things I do not do, decisions I do not make.
The questions that provided this insight to me are the following:
The other night, I was completing a character sketch for a story I am working on, when it hit me, perhaps I should fill out one on myself. If I did, would I perhaps learn some things about myself that I have not really spent much time thinking about? Or at least maybe the questions would focus my thoughts more, help me determine some reasons why I do the things I do, make the decisions I make, or in reverse, why there are some things I do not do, decisions I do not make.
The questions that provided this insight to me are the following:
What is this character's major goal?
Why is this goal so important to this character?
Are there any events in the character's past that affect the significance of this goal?
Describe your characters life till now, motivations, family situation, pet peeves?
Something to think about, my why, what, when, who, where. I think I have ask myself over and over again, how. How I came to be at this point in my life. But the rest, not so sure. I think they will be very hard questions to answer. But food for thought.
Sunday, September 10, 2006
Moody Midlife Bitchiness
I am feeling like a heel, a selfish bitch, wondering where that loving nurturing mother in me has disapeared to.
I love and adore my children, I truly do, but fuck! there are days when I get so very tired of having to be the on-the-spot-instantly-chauffer (even though that is almost over, which I will then miss....ah the conundrums of life), tired of planning some time for myself and having to give that up, because one of them needs something else, tired of being torn between what I need at the moment and what they need.
My time alone is rare, I have no privacy, someone once said to me, just lock the door to your bedroom and take some time for you....HA! me have a locked door (I always know that I have maybe 30 minutes max before someone will be busting in), not possible, maybe I spent too many years making myself all too accessible, trying to always "be there" for them. And when I do try to not "be there" even if only for a few hours, then I feel this enormous cloud of guilt, it doesn't go away, it follows me where ever I go.
My oh so independent son has decided to move back home, and at first I thought, "wonderful, I will see him more often now, not just after midnight when he decides to stop by to raid the fridge." "We will have time to talk now, time that I will be more willing to give because he won't be walking in on me when I thought I had time to write, or chat, or read 'not safe for others eyes blogs'." But then I started thinking of all the times I try to get some much needed time alone, and how that usually has to be late night and into the wee hours of the morning, and although those are the times he appears now, at least some nights I do get that time. But that is going to change, he is a night owl like me. So no matter the time of day, there will be someone around, someone always wanting something, someone always looking over my shoulder.
I was coming to peace with some of the decisions I have made, accepting that things have to remain as they are for a few more years. But all I feel is this incredible tension, I can feel the knots in my shoulders tighten even more as I write this.
So much going on, an illness in the family......accomodating those changes to our current lifestyle, other family members dealing with such intense agonies, not being able to help, not knowing how to help, trying to be there to help other's deal with them, but not doing it, not having the time. Trying so hard not to say, "What about me?" "When is it my turn?" "Why am I so selfish?"
Little worries, that are held in, kept in check, going on day by day hoping I can hold it all together.
My third thought when my son told me he was moving home....was "Wouldn't I love to move into his place (it is really our place anyway), or just use it as an occasional place to get away, have some time for me, to just be." Knowing at the same time that I would miss them, that it wouldn't be that great thing I think it would be.
Thinking about age creeping up on me, thinking about all the things I want to do and haven't done, thinking I will never have that opportunity, thinking why the fuck am I not content with what I have, thinking why the fuck is it so difficult for me to just say I need to go away for awhile, thinking thinking thinking thinking that each step I take into tomorrow is a stumble in the wrong direction. Thinking that the merry go round I am riding on is going to fast, spinning out of control, thinking I keep digging my heels in trying to slow it down, but all I am doing is making myself dizzy.
Longing for something that does not exist, longing for something that I have no idea what it is. Longing to experience the world outside my own isolated, insulated world. Longing to be happy with me. Longing for someone to just hold me, and tell me that in this moment everything is okay. Longing for someone to just accept me, not judge how I am feeling, not judge what I do, or don't do. Longing for just a few moments when I am not constantly on edge because I have to hide so much of me.
Of all the things my wild mind fantasizes about, my most precious fantasy is my ultimate road trip. Waking up one day and realizing, that the people I love can do without me, they may not like it, but that if I took off, they would understand, they would still love me, they would not feel as if I abandoned them.
I fantasize of packing a bag, emptying my bank account, and just driving from place to place, exploring our world, the other people in it, staying in one spot for awhile, and then moving on. I know this is a fantasy that others share, but this one, is one that has been with me since I was 17 years old. I had it planned, that year off from school, two other friends and I, but then I let what I thought was true love stop me, I let the need to grasp onto something stable after losing the only stable person in my life that year affect my decision. I didn't do it then. Wondering, would my life be different now if I had gotten that out of my system then? Wondering, maybe I had to wait, maybe everything I have done, experienced and not experienced over the years, has been to bring me to the place where I am now. To the place I will be in a few years, but also wondering, what if it is too late? What if it never happens?
Reminding myself once again, that I have to live in my now, that I can dream of a future with a myriad of choices open to me, as long as I remember to live now too.
But damn sometimes I just don't fucking want to!
I love and adore my children, I truly do, but fuck! there are days when I get so very tired of having to be the on-the-spot-instantly-chauffer (even though that is almost over, which I will then miss....ah the conundrums of life), tired of planning some time for myself and having to give that up, because one of them needs something else, tired of being torn between what I need at the moment and what they need.
My time alone is rare, I have no privacy, someone once said to me, just lock the door to your bedroom and take some time for you....HA! me have a locked door (I always know that I have maybe 30 minutes max before someone will be busting in), not possible, maybe I spent too many years making myself all too accessible, trying to always "be there" for them. And when I do try to not "be there" even if only for a few hours, then I feel this enormous cloud of guilt, it doesn't go away, it follows me where ever I go.
My oh so independent son has decided to move back home, and at first I thought, "wonderful, I will see him more often now, not just after midnight when he decides to stop by to raid the fridge." "We will have time to talk now, time that I will be more willing to give because he won't be walking in on me when I thought I had time to write, or chat, or read 'not safe for others eyes blogs'." But then I started thinking of all the times I try to get some much needed time alone, and how that usually has to be late night and into the wee hours of the morning, and although those are the times he appears now, at least some nights I do get that time. But that is going to change, he is a night owl like me. So no matter the time of day, there will be someone around, someone always wanting something, someone always looking over my shoulder.
I was coming to peace with some of the decisions I have made, accepting that things have to remain as they are for a few more years. But all I feel is this incredible tension, I can feel the knots in my shoulders tighten even more as I write this.
So much going on, an illness in the family......accomodating those changes to our current lifestyle, other family members dealing with such intense agonies, not being able to help, not knowing how to help, trying to be there to help other's deal with them, but not doing it, not having the time. Trying so hard not to say, "What about me?" "When is it my turn?" "Why am I so selfish?"
Little worries, that are held in, kept in check, going on day by day hoping I can hold it all together.
My third thought when my son told me he was moving home....was "Wouldn't I love to move into his place (it is really our place anyway), or just use it as an occasional place to get away, have some time for me, to just be." Knowing at the same time that I would miss them, that it wouldn't be that great thing I think it would be.
Thinking about age creeping up on me, thinking about all the things I want to do and haven't done, thinking I will never have that opportunity, thinking why the fuck am I not content with what I have, thinking why the fuck is it so difficult for me to just say I need to go away for awhile, thinking thinking thinking thinking that each step I take into tomorrow is a stumble in the wrong direction. Thinking that the merry go round I am riding on is going to fast, spinning out of control, thinking I keep digging my heels in trying to slow it down, but all I am doing is making myself dizzy.
Longing for something that does not exist, longing for something that I have no idea what it is. Longing to experience the world outside my own isolated, insulated world. Longing to be happy with me. Longing for someone to just hold me, and tell me that in this moment everything is okay. Longing for someone to just accept me, not judge how I am feeling, not judge what I do, or don't do. Longing for just a few moments when I am not constantly on edge because I have to hide so much of me.
Of all the things my wild mind fantasizes about, my most precious fantasy is my ultimate road trip. Waking up one day and realizing, that the people I love can do without me, they may not like it, but that if I took off, they would understand, they would still love me, they would not feel as if I abandoned them.
I fantasize of packing a bag, emptying my bank account, and just driving from place to place, exploring our world, the other people in it, staying in one spot for awhile, and then moving on. I know this is a fantasy that others share, but this one, is one that has been with me since I was 17 years old. I had it planned, that year off from school, two other friends and I, but then I let what I thought was true love stop me, I let the need to grasp onto something stable after losing the only stable person in my life that year affect my decision. I didn't do it then. Wondering, would my life be different now if I had gotten that out of my system then? Wondering, maybe I had to wait, maybe everything I have done, experienced and not experienced over the years, has been to bring me to the place where I am now. To the place I will be in a few years, but also wondering, what if it is too late? What if it never happens?
Reminding myself once again, that I have to live in my now, that I can dream of a future with a myriad of choices open to me, as long as I remember to live now too.
But damn sometimes I just don't fucking want to!
Saturday, September 09, 2006
Time for a Vacation?
Signs that it is definitely time to take a vacation...........A coworker arrives in the morning singing a cheery song, and you want to slap the s&*% out of her.
Someone pokes their head around the corner and announces "meeting in 5 minutes!", and you think "what the f*#@ do they want now?"
When you and a co-worker are discussing something and a third party butts in saying, "well, at my last office", and your hand itches to throw the stapler at them.
When you hear a co-worker call your name, and the first thing that crosses your mind is, "s&*% what now!?" and think about hiding under your desk.
When you're asked to stay late to finish up a project someone else started, and you think, "You can both kiss my sweet a$$!"
If you avoid saying anything more than hello, or goodbye to someone, because you know it will lead to hearing their life's story if you say more.
You receive one more "justa a little reminder", email from your boss, and you think what now you f*#@*%@* b*&%$!!
If you can decipher the words that have been bleeped out.
IT IS TIME FOR A VACATION!
(I received this in an email from a former co-worker, she didn't take just a vacation, she found another job!)
Friday, September 08, 2006
Morning Skies
It's so strange to me, spring and summer are my favorite seasons, when I feel the best, but those times when I wish I had my camera with me, are almost always the fall and winter.
Technically it is not fall yet, but the air feels like it, it is the end of summer, the early mornings and late evenings feel like it. This morning was one of those days when I needed my camera, of course the photos of the morning sky to the west and east of me do not do it justice, but this is what I awoke to this morning, and it was truly beautiful. The moon and sun both showing so clearly in the morning sky.
Technically it is not fall yet, but the air feels like it, it is the end of summer, the early mornings and late evenings feel like it. This morning was one of those days when I needed my camera, of course the photos of the morning sky to the west and east of me do not do it justice, but this is what I awoke to this morning, and it was truly beautiful. The moon and sun both showing so clearly in the morning sky.
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
An Untravelled Road
"It's not like I've ever even focused on what I want or where I am going. It's like life has been driving me and I have not been driving my life."
~ Said by the character Katherine, in the novel Annie Freeman's Traveling Funeral, by Kris Raddish ~
When I read this in the novel, it was like a bell went off in my head. I have often wondered, why the things in my life have come to pass, I did not plan so many of them, life was driving me. Now I just have to figure out how to drive my life in the direction I want to go. Even though I do love to take a random interesting sideroad on occasion, it is time to open the map and really look to see where I am going, where I want to go. Too bad I can't google those driving directions. But this time it is truly up to me to find the best road to travel.
~ Said by the character Katherine, in the novel Annie Freeman's Traveling Funeral, by Kris Raddish ~
When I read this in the novel, it was like a bell went off in my head. I have often wondered, why the things in my life have come to pass, I did not plan so many of them, life was driving me. Now I just have to figure out how to drive my life in the direction I want to go. Even though I do love to take a random interesting sideroad on occasion, it is time to open the map and really look to see where I am going, where I want to go. Too bad I can't google those driving directions. But this time it is truly up to me to find the best road to travel.
Sunday, September 03, 2006
A Great Idea: BookCrossing
bookcrossing
n. the practice of leaving a book in a public place to be picked up and read by others, who then do likewise.
Came across this website while doing some googling.....and I thought what an amazing idea, a great way to share favorite books, a great way to keep the bookshelves from groaning under the weight of too many books, a great way to encourage the joy of reading.
I personally can't wait to get started, I spend a lot of time in parks, I love taking a break during the work day by stopping by one of the many parks in my area, enoying the weather, and it makes a nice getaway from the office atmosphere. So I think I will get started on Tuesday when I return to work, by leaving a book or two on a picnic table.
n. the practice of leaving a book in a public place to be picked up and read by others, who then do likewise.
Came across this website while doing some googling.....and I thought what an amazing idea, a great way to share favorite books, a great way to keep the bookshelves from groaning under the weight of too many books, a great way to encourage the joy of reading.
I personally can't wait to get started, I spend a lot of time in parks, I love taking a break during the work day by stopping by one of the many parks in my area, enoying the weather, and it makes a nice getaway from the office atmosphere. So I think I will get started on Tuesday when I return to work, by leaving a book or two on a picnic table.
Saturday, September 02, 2006
It Still Makes Me Laugh
I was chatting with a good friend last night, or the wee hours of this morning, and somehow in all the convoluted things we were talking about, this came up, and it gave me such a smile. Hoping it gives you one too. *Very Big Smile*Abbott: Well Costello, I'm going to New York with you. You know Bucky Harris, the Yankee's manager, gave me a job as coach for as long as you're on the team.
Costello: Look Abbott, if you're the coach, you must know all the players.
Abbott: I certainly do.
Costello: Well you know I've never met the guys. So you'll have to tell me their names, and then I'll know who's playing on the team.
Abbott: Oh, I'll tell you their names, but you know it seems to me they give these ball players now-a-days very peculiar names.
Costello: You mean funny names?
Abbott: Strange names, pet names...like Dizzy Dean...
Costello: His brother Daffy.
Abbott: Daffy Dean...
Costello: And their French cousin.
Abbott: French?
Costello: Goofè.
Abbott: Goofè Dean. Well, let's see, we have on the bags, Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third...
Costello: That's what I want to find out.
Abbott: I say Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know's on third.
Costello: Are you the manager?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: You gonna be the coach too?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: And you don't know the fellows' names?
Abbott: Well I should.
Costello: Well then who's on first?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: I mean the fellow's name.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guy on first.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The first baseman.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guy playing...
Abbott: Who is on first!
Costello: I'm asking YOU who's on first.
Abbott: That's the man's name.
Costello: That's who's name?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: Well go ahead and tell me.
Abbott: That's it.
Costello: That's who?
Abbott: Yes.
PAUSE
Costello: Look, you gotta first baseman?
Abbott: Certainly.
Costello: Who's playing first?
Abbott: That's right.
Costello: When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money?
Abbott: Every dollar of it.
Costello: All I'm trying to find out is the fellow's name on first base.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guy that gets...
Abbott: That's it.
Costello: Who gets the money...
Abbott: He does, every dollar. Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.
Costello: Whose wife?
Abbott: Yes.
PAUSE
Abbott: What's wrong with that?
Costello: Look, all I wanna know is when you sign up the first baseman, how does he sign his name?
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guy.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: How does he sign...
Abbott: That's how he signs it.
Costello: Who?
Abbott: Yes.
PAUSE
Costello: All I'm trying to find out is what's the guy's name on first base.
Abbott: No. What is on second base.
Costello: I'm not asking you who's on second.
Abbott: Who's on first.
Costello: One base at a time!
Abbott: Well, don't change the players around.
Costello: I'm not changing nobody!
Abbott: Take it easy, buddy.
Costello: I'm only asking you, who's the guy on first base?
Abbott: That's right.
Costello: Ok.
Abbott: All right.
PAUSE
Costello: What's the guy's name on first base?
Abbott: No. What is on second.
Costello: I'm not asking you who's on second.
Abbott: Who's on first.
Costello: I don't know.
Abbott: He's on third, we're not talking about him.
Costello: Now how did I get on third base?
Abbott: Why you mentioned his name.
Costello: If I mentioned the third baseman's name, who did I say is playing third?
Abbott: No. Who's playing first.
Costello: What's on first?
Abbott: What's on second.
Costello: I don't know.
Abbott: He's on third.
Costello: There I go, back on third again!
PAUSE
Costello: Would you just stay on third base and don't go off it.
Abbott: All right, what do you want to know?
Costello: Now who's playing third base?
Abbott: Why do you insist on putting Who on third base?
Costello: What am I putting on third.
Abbott: No. What is on second.
Costello: You don't want who on second?
Abbott: Who is on first.
Costello: I don't know.
Abbott & Costello Together:Third base!
PAUSE
Costello: Look, you gotta outfield?
Abbott: Sure.
Costello: The left fielder's name?
Abbott: Why.
Costello: I just thought I'd ask you.
Abbott: Well, I just thought I'd tell ya.
Costello: Then tell me who's playing left field.
Abbott: Who's playing first.
Costello: I'm not... stay out of the infield! I want to know what's the guy's name in left field?
Abbott: No, What is on second.
Costello: I'm not asking you who's on second.
Abbott: Who's on first!
Costello: I don't know.
Abbott & Costello Together: Third base!
PAUSE
Costello: The left fielder's name?
Abbott: Why.
Costello: Because!
Abbott: Oh, he's centerfield.
PAUSE
Costello: Look, You gotta pitcher on this team?
Abbott: Sure.
Costello: The pitcher's name?
Abbott: Tomorrow.
Costello: You don't want to tell me today?
Abbott: I'm telling you now.
Costello: Then go ahead.
Abbott: Tomorrow!
Costello: What time?
Abbott: What time what?
Costello: What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who's pitching?
Abbott: Now listen. Who is not pitching.
Costello: I'll break your arm, you say who's on first! I want to know what's the pitcher's name?
Abbott: What's on second.
Costello: I don't know.
Abbott & Costello Together: Third base!
PAUSE
Costello: Gotta a catcher?
Abbott: Certainly.
Costello: The catcher's name?
Abbott: Today.
Costello: Today, and tomorrow's pitching.
Abbott: Now you've got it.
Costello: All we got is a couple of days on the team.
PAUSE
Costello: You know I'm a catcher too.
Abbott: So they tell me.
Costello: I get behind the plate to do some fancy catching, Tomorrow's pitching on my team and a heavy hitter gets up. Now the heavy hitter bunts the ball. When he bunts the ball, me, being a good catcher, I'm gonna throw the guy out at first base. So I pick up the ball and throw it to who?
Abbott: Now that's the first thing you've said right.
Costello: I don't even know what I'm talking about!
PAUSE
Abbott: That's all you have to do.
Costello: Is to throw the ball to first base.
Abbott: Yes!
Costello: Now who's got it?
Abbott: Naturally.
PAUSE
Costello: Look, if I throw the ball to first base, somebody's gotta get it. Now who has it?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: Who?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: Naturally?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: So I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally.
Abbott: No you don't, you throw the ball to Who.
Costello: Naturally.
Abbott: That's different.
Costello: That's what I said.
Abbott: You're not saying it...
Costello: I throw the ball to Naturally.
Abbott: You throw it to Who.
Costello: Naturally.
Abbott: That's it.
Costello: That's what I said!
Abbott: You ask me.
Costello: I throw the ball to who?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: Now you ask me.
Abbott: You throw the ball to Who?
Costello: Naturally.
Abbott: That's it.
Costello: Same as you! Same as YOU! I throw the ball to who. Whoever it is drops the ball and the guy runs to second. Who picks up the ball and throws it to What. What throws it to I Don't Know. I Don't Know throws it back to Tomorrow, Triple play. Another guy gets up and hits a long fly ball to Because. Why? I don't know! He's on third and I don't give a darn!
Abbott: What?
Costello: I said I don't give a darn!
Abbott: Oh, that's our shortstop.
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