I Missed the Good Part

I was so ready yesterday to tell my boss of my resignation...to hand in my 'formal' letter...and what happens? She doesn't show up until noon, after I had been at work all morning I had to leave for a client interview.... when I return to the office she is there and has been told by our COO, I told him on Friday because of many factors...mostly needing to let him know some of the reasons I am leaving....and hoping in some way for him and the rest of his "team" to realize they need to make some changes that are simple but they seem unable to see or they are going to lose many more of us.....our current employee turnover rate is 58%. Tell you anything?

Anyway, I didn't get to witness her initial reaction, and somehow that disapointed me I wanted to see her squirm just a little before I told her I would work extra for them until they get my replacement hired and trained (evil I know but I was looking forward to it)....I did learn later that she "blew up" at another employee, which they blamed on me....and I gladly took the blame...because they did not deserve nor did the problem deserve that type of reaction.

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After also sharing my news with those I supervise, and a few of my friends at work...I was beginning to have second thoughts about my decision. That didn't last long.

Today she then has the nerve to say she learned of it before I came into work yesterday at noon....I looked at her and said, I was in at 8:50 yesterday morning...you were the one that wasn't here until noon. And after a few snippy little emails from her...... a half dozen phone calls from those she is supposed to be supervising who request to speak with me instead to handle their problems..... I remembered the main reason why I am leaving....I am leaving because I can no longer work with someone who keeps secrets, who thinks communication should only flow upward, who has no people skills....grrrr!

So anyway....I am still feeling the stress of making such a big change...still feeling the excitement, nerves, dread, and fear, but mostly excitement....hoping I still feel that sense of excitement in 2 weeks, and wishing oh wishing I had taken some vacation time between jobs.

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The worst part of leaving will be the people I deal with daily, in that I feel sadness, I have not often felt that I am the greatest supervisor in the world.....but the women I work with...they have opened up so much in the past 18 months...felt a trust they never felt before...and I feel as if I am letting them down. Even the ones I do not directly supervise call me at home at least weekly....... their jobs can be so tough...... they need someone with empathy to listen to them, and I may have my faults...but empathy I have in spades!

The clients too, oh I will miss them...even those that cause me the most headaches, I will miss them. A few I will stay in contact with.....but the rest.... fellow employees and clients....my fear is I will let happen once again what I always let happen....I have people in my life...that are so special to me....and I let them slip away...over time...I just let them slip away. ~sigh~

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I keep telling myself change is good, Fiona (thanks sweetie *S*) keeps telling me this is a good thing for me....now...I just have to listen!

Weekend from Hell

Good name possibly for the few days before Halloween.
My parents asked me to help them move this weekend....and I thought that I would be a good and dutiful daughter and do just that. (oh where did that thought come from?)

Somewhere in my brain I have forgotten just how disfunctional my family is....we decided to spend Friday night at my sister's house to be closer to help out, after all my parents are moving 2 doors down from her...we arrive about 9:30 Friday night...ready to relax, watch a movie with Lil Sis and her daughter, with the hopes of getting an early start Saturday morning.....

Somewhere in all of this I had forgotten how secretive my sister is....I have been accused of being cryptic at times....of using the art of redirection to not answer a question....perhaps I learned this from my sister....she is a master at it....although sometimes there is no redirection...there is just no answer...she will just get up and leave the room....I had brought a large bottle of Zinfandel....after a few glasses I was okay with the simplest question not being answered....but when she received several phone calls from family members and she did not bother to let them know that I was sitting across the room from her, I did begin to wonder ....wtf?....When asked about this...she just said...."They will know soon enough that you are here....

So we settled in, watched a movie, I fell asleep feeling all warm and snuggly from my glasses of wine....using this to also allow me to forget the startling, upsetting, and shocking news my lovely almost 17 year old daughter had decided it was time I learned on our drive there...she always imparts her secrets on long drives....gulp...sigh...tears....she has lost her virginity....not because she was in love.....but because she had just decided it was time.

My response was to ask for as many details as she was willing to indulge me with....sigh....more than perhaps I needed to hear...and enough to make me very sad....and to also realize that I had really had the inkling for awhile now but had not wanted to press her to tell me.

So, yes in this instance I used alcohol to dull my senses...to try to allow that piece of information to digest for a bit....still not sure how I feel about it...glad that she did it safely...but sorry she didn't wait until it happened because she could not imagine not making love to a particular boy....she said she wanted her first time to be with someone who was not a virgin, and this close friend fit that bill along with the fact that he was a very good friend....another....sigh....and I kept and keep thinking at least she did it safely and was prepared....but when I asked her if she enjoyed it all....the answer was no.....so is that a good thing? or a bad thing?

I thanked her for telling me....she said she had to, she had wanted to tell me immediately, even cried several times at keeping it a secret from me for as long as she did....but I keep thinking maybe..... just maybe if she had done it with someone she really loved, really felt that overwhelming lust for....it would have been a wonderful experience....instead of "ho hum". Perhaps this way was better, no fear of forgetting herself and having unprotected sex, no fear of it happening on a regular basis with a steady boyfriend....but I know each time she becomes involved with a boy now....I will immediately wonder how fast they are moving along the sexual highway.

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Saturday morning, we arrive at the home of my parents.....my god! I thought I was going to lose it! I have never thought of myself as the most organized person in the world...but the few times I have moved as an adult...there are several lists.....each box is labeled....each piece of furniture to be loaded is well planned out.....

They were packing as the truck was being loaded....literally one box at a time.....have they reached dementia and I didn't realize it? They was no organization, I remember walking in the door, looking around and immediately wanting to turn around and walk out again.... but nope.... I basically ended up taking charge....putting boxes together and packing packing packing packing as fast I could while still being able to label...my daughter was amazing...everything I asked her to do...she did...no questions asked thinking...I think...even though she has never moved in her life...that this was not exactly the proper way. Finally at 8:00 P.M. tonight.....the last few boxes were unloaded.....and I asked myself....where did I get the idea that I would move them on Saturday, and help them unpack and have the majority of their new home set up and organized by tonight? I have lived away from them for far too long...because memories of child hood moves started flickering through my brain....and it wasn't really that different.

My parents are the caregivers of one of my nieces young children....which is the reason for this move...instead of downsizing their home as most elderly adults do....they have to once again upsize....another niece had babysat for the 10 month old all weekend, and someone needed to pick her up.....another 45 minute drive oneway across my state's largest city....her father...my brother rode with me...he called his daughter to tell her we were on our way to pick up the baby. When we arrive at her apartment she in not home....he calls her...she tells him she is on her way to my parents new home...but only 5 minutes out...so she turns around and meets us back at her house....where is the difficulty in communication here?....I had heard his end of the first conversation...he quite distinctly had told her we were on our way.....sigh

We get the baby...my little brother who has lived in the area for the last 18 years shows me a back way to get to my parents new home....sigh.....another 45 minute drive that is supposed to take 12....yep you read that right 12 minutes...that is what he told me...

We are driving on back roads...unlit, unlined, pothole filled back roads....5 miles from the new house...when I hit a pothole I couldn't even see....right rear tire blows out....I mean blows...there is at least a 7 inch gash in the tire....luckily there is a small parking area nearby for a small lake ....pull in...check out the damage....find the spare...happily a full size one since I am 45 miles from home...call my sister to see if she can come and pick up the baby...

Remember how I said my sister is cryptic? She says she will be there immediately .....waiting waiting....by this time my wonderful little brother has the tires switched...but the spare is very low.......sigh......call my sister back....she says she is "almost there", I see headlights...I say "Oh this must be you....nope....that car just passed on by...."

She then says, " I am walking out the door, what do you want me to do?" At this point I also realize that her enunciation is very slow...she is drunk! I tell her, "Never mind we have it taken care of"....I look at my brother.....and say...."Please define for me the words "I am almost there" and "I am walking out the door". He just shruggs and says, "I think we can make it to Mom and Dads on this tire."

Huge sigh....what choice do we have....parents have no phone yet....more poor planning...and no cell phone..it had gone dead earlier in the day.

Arrive at my parents new home....unload the baby, grab my daughter and head to the nearest gas station to air the tire....finally find the air compressor in the darkest farthest corner of the lot...and it doesn't work!

Find the next gas station...they of course do have one...but it costs $ .75. They charge for it! Dig around...... find the coins...fill the tire....get on the freeway...drive approximately 10 miles....and....we are at a deadstop....the highway department has decided that late Sunday evening is the perfect time to resurface the freeway. We then travel 5 miles in 34 minutes.

I am home, I have to tell my boss about my new job tomorrow, hand in my formal resignation....ah my weekend is over...I now have 2 weeks of a new hell....of maybe not...

Changes

In recent months I have half-heartedly been searching for a new job. Whenever one that interested me came open I would send in a resume....most I eventually decided weren't really for me or they decided I wasn't for them....then a couple of old work pals told me of an opening in an agency that I work closely with. Intrigued I sent them my resume...at the very last minute of course....my procrastination showing through...I received an email the next day asking me for an interview, and salary history.

Had the interview--which went great btw, discussed salary, less than I am making now...but they worked on it...and raised it substantially from the first offer....at that point I was flying high! Imagining all the new possibilities....the new things I would learn....the variety of experiences I would have......she wants a second interview....we talk...I get more excited.....

At todays second interview we talk benefits and salary.....

She says...." the dollar amount"
I say...."I can live with that"

Then I say..."are you offering me the position?" (shocked)

She says..."it makes me sick."

I say...."it makes you sick to offer me the job?" (laughing)

She laughs...."No, that I cannot offer you more money, to be honest I had 3 great candidates but I want you!"

My thoughts....wow, cool---then---- what if I disapoint her? what if I turn out to be not all that great? what if I can't do it? (I do not have a self-esteem problem)

I was trying so hard not to wriggle in my chair in excitement....we talk some more...I learn a few more details of the position....it is everything I think I want.....except.....except.....


So I yahoo my friend who works there...tell her my idiotic low-self-esteem worries....she tells me....

"You will be great, you have always been an overchiever."

Is she talking to me? Me? God I must have her fooled.

So...what I do know is......

I want this job...it has so much about it that I know I would like...love.

Another friend said to me....to reach your dreams you have to cross your fear...pretty good wisdom from someone half my age!

I know I need to make some changes in my life....I love my current job....but also strongly dislike the atmosphere and poor management style.... this is a life change....granted not a humongous one....but still something different.....

The downsides of the whole thing....
1) I have never in my whole working life.....worked a rigid 9-5 type schedule....I have always had the flexibility to create my own schedule....I will not have that with this job.
Someone told me "Welcome to the real world"

2) The people I supervise will miss me, I am one damn good boss! and I will miss them.
Two someone's told me "You have to do what is best for you"

3) Am I looking for change in the wrong place? Am I facing the wrong fear?

Shopping and Fun in the same sentence?

I am not a woman that loves to shop, I would even use the word hate when it comes to shopping, I can't even spend time online shopping...it bores me.

When I shop I know what I am looking for, try to find it as quickly as possible, and then get myself out of there as quickly as possible. Well..... I do have to qualify that statement just a bit, if it is a junk shop, or an antique shop, or a toy department (online specialty toys too) I will explore to my hearts content....maybe it is just the chore of grocery shopping and clothing shopping, and must have now! gift shopping that I hate.

But even the Ihatetobein clothing shops give me some enjoyment when I am with my daughter....we have fun, just plain fun....granted we can be a bit playfully cruel, and I would feel badly if the buyer for the women's clothing line were within ear shot, or a designer....because we have a tendency to trash all that is ugly...which believe me there are a ton of ugly things on the racks these days. We slash and shred with our words as we move rapidly through a department....with an occasional......"ooohh this is nice".....but mostly we are rapidly redesigning as we move along the the aisles....in a sense I suppose that is good, we know what we like, and what we don't....our tastes are not that similar...I go for the classic look on most occasions....even today on a casual Friday work day, I wore jeans, a plain white shirt, and wool blazer...looks good, and is comfy too. Miss Daughter is more trendy.....she has a style of her own...and is not afraid to express it....but if I have to say so myself....we know quality of make and design...and are definitely not afraid to let our opinions be expressed....so we giggle a lot as we move through a shop perhaps flicking a finger in disgust at one item...saying "that should be in the shredder" as we spy another.....or say "that is soooo you" at the ugliest thing in sight at the moment...thus I forget that my feet hurt, that I am tired from my workday, that I am hungry....(one of these days I am going to learn to take regular lunch breaks, I skip them more often than take them)....anyway.....we have fun together....and even though we may trash the clothing, and even a few of our fellow shoppers....we feel comfortable doing so with each other, funny thing neither of us does it with anyone else....we even dress those we know in our minds as we move along.
Knowing that many of the items of gold, red or yellow, but still classic are what my mom would purchase.....if it glitters, is furry, and an animal print...then her other grandmother would grab it up in a flash...somehow those things look good on that woman...whereas unless you are a fashion maven..they often just look ridiculous....plus I just have this thing....black and white leopard print? red and black zebra stripes? or the tacky fake furs that don't even feel soft under your fingertips? I wonder about the people that buy those things...do they feel good in them? do they feel like they are 'all that'? Jeans that look like they are made from gold lame'?

Untill recent years, I never would have thought I would have fun shopping. But when we are together we make things fun....we laugh, we joke, we do silly things, plus we have our guy radar on and in that area we do seem to have the same taste....even though I do like my men a bit on the more older than she does ~grin~

Family

1. 1. A fundamental social group in society typically consisting of one or two parents and their children.
   2. Two or more people who share goals and values, have long-term commitments to one another, and reside usually in the same dwelling place.
2. All the members of a household under one roof.
3. A group of persons sharing common ancestry.

So many ways to define a family.


The family that is upper most in my mind right now, in terms of inheritance is a patriarchal family....they all were ruled by the father, dominated more like...and even in the 18 years she lived past his death, his wife rarely made a decision about the family home, or property that she thought he would disagree with. In fact she never even made a new will, but kept the same one he had created for them both so many years ago.

In a sense she was the matriarch of the family, as she was indeed the tie that bound them all together after his death.

But now she is gone, and in the less than 2 weeks that have passed...it has become clear how very weak that rope was that bound them together....small skirmishes have already developed. I am hoping a full out battle will not develop....but I think it will.

In this partriarchal family the male progeny inherited the land, and the largest amount of money, which he is then supposed to distribute to his sisters in the manner he thinks is best.

What I have seen occur in the past week is the first born child (a woman) has decided that even though her baby brother inherited the family home...she has the right to make the decisions on how this home will be used. She has decided that it will be for her use as she sees fit...she wants to use it for a vacation home, a holiday home....her brother (and his wife) have other ideas. Her sister says she will never return to this home for a holiday celebration. They are now arguing over who spent the most time with their mother in recent years (they all live far away). They each are gathering all the items they gave her as gifts to be returned to themselves. Listing who spent the most money on her. Going back years in their memories, I have heard them say to one another, "Since you inherited this from our grandmother, I should get this now."

It has begun, this home is next door to me.....daily I have seen cars and vans belonging to extended family members pull up to the back door, eventually be filled with whatever they can carry away. 5 times now I have been asked to go through the house, and to choose those things I would like to have. 5 times I have refused. There is one item this family matriarch told me she was bequeathing to me upon her death....I did not ask for it, but it was something she wanted to give me....so when it comes down from the wall upon which it has hung these many years I will accept it....but already there are those trying to put strings on this small inheritance of mine....my son...her great-grandson said that the only remembrance he wanted of this woman was the very same item she bequeathed to me...at the time of his request he had no idea she had already promised said item to me.....all of the female members of the family have known for years....I suppose because she spoke of such things to them more than the males....although my husband...her grandson knew....anyway I told my son "no problem babe, it is yours, when you have a home of your own, and wish to hang it on the wall, just ask."

2 days later, I was told by my mother-in-law that her another of her grandsons had requested the very same item, she then proceeded to tell him that when Aunt Sunny was done with it, I would gladly hand it over to him. Did she ask me before she made this grand gesture? I told her that my son (also her grandson) had requested it, and I then let the matter drop. But I am wondering, if I choose to place it upon my wall will it become an item of contention every time an extended family member is in my home. This particular item hung by the chair that was habitually used by Gram, there are very few photographs of her that do not include this particular wallhanging. I cannot store it away somewhere, so what will I do with it...one small question of many that are now spinning through my mind.

As I stopped by my home today for a quick lunch, another van and car were pulled up in her driveway, being loaded with items that once belonged to her. They say they are only taking away the small items that have sentimental value, or the antique items that they do not wish to become a part of the final estate appraisal.....but arguing over who will get possesion of her recipe boxes?

Many families go through very similar circumstances when the eldest of the family dies, and each family handles it differently. My wish is that I did not live so close by, it is so very difficult to watch. I find myself averting my eyes when I pull into the driveway, not leaving the house once I am home, and if I do have to leave I once again try my best not to look across the way. I keep asking myself how much worse it will get before all is said and done....

I am not sure if it is because I am who I am, or if it is because I am not a blood relative, but I seem to be the middle ground.....I keep getting phone calls, or visitors telling me of the things that are being said, of the secret phone calls between brother and sister, between Aunt and niece. I listen, I do not advise. But, I have asked many many times three simple questions to each who come to me..."Is this really that important?"......"Do you not have her in your heart, in your memories, why do you need more"....."Why do you take offense at someone else desiring an item that was special to her?"

I mainly get a version of this response...."She did not want her life sitting in the driveway for sale."

That is not going to happen unless they cause it by their greediness. My husband who also is co-executor of the estate luckily agrees with me so far....but my fear, the one thing both patriarch and matriarch hoped to avoid was this family infighting, this greed, this division of the family.

I know it is avoidable....but somehow I think things will become much worse as time moves on. I have suggested fair ways to disperse contested items, but so far have been ignored....and what it reminds me of is when a group of toddlers are all together wanting to play with the same toy....who will win....the one with the loudest scream? the strongest? or in the end will the toy have to be taken away to be played with by none? In this particular case put up for auction to the highest bidder, in turn causing exactly what she did not want, her belongings up for sale.

I am wondering.....perhaps the ones who do it right are those who when they start thinking about the end of their lives.....give away their worldly possessions before death, before their family is divided by things.

Everyone is in such a hurry to clear away this wonderful woman's life....why can't we just take some time to breath, to grieve?

We did it!

I wrote several days ago of a project I and others were involved in. I had hoped to show you some photos of our own participation but blogger is being difficult tonight ~sigh~

This past weekend we finished the final stage. It went wonderfully, in many ways I knew it would, everything building up to it had been so difficult, one fiasco after another, aside from several wanting to stop the entire thing from happening, the next thing that happened was that when I followed the organizations instructions to charge all the purchases we needed to make, the store made a mistake and charged it all to the wrong organization. On the morning of Oct. 2, I received a very angry email accusing me of stealing.....sheesh....I was in shock....after I finally calmed down it took a 5 minute phone call to get it all straightened out, but in the mean time I was just a teeny bit upset (major understatement).

Anyway, aside from some major stuff happening in my personal life we continued on with everything that needed to be done....and it was fantastic! The weather was amazingly beautiful....the festival had all time record crowds on the first day....we sold out of product by the last half hour we were literally selling crumbs topped with powdered sugar at half price, and sold out of those too. The second day the crowds were not as huge, but we did well, sold out again.

We had less help than in times past, due to ....get this....two members of our crew requiring emergency surgeries earlier in the week.....so I was a little concerned about taking the booth down on Sunday afternoon, but an old friend whom I only see at festival time showed up to save us some time, he has been involved with the festival for years and knew some deconstruction shortcuts....and even though we were a group of women and girls...he was quite impressed with our abilities....girls do rock! The only important thing I had forgotten to load up for that final take down was a knife to cut all the rope used to hold the booth together, but a neighboring vendor loaned me his, so even with me climbing a 6 foot ladder in my costume's ankle length skirt it all went smoothly, although I did have to be careful since my skirt kept falling over the top of he ladder and each time I descended I had to lift my skirt.....but somehow I don't think the old friend who was holding my legs on the ladder minded that too much ~grin~.

We added funds to our account, the girls and adults had a wonderful time....and decided that no matter who tries to stand in our way they still want to return next year. Some of them even purchased additonal pieces to add to their costumes for next year......the only down side is next year they want to camp in the primitive campsites.....so I am hoping the weather is as warm next year, since I do not own a tent like those used in the 18th century, we will have to build a lean-to to sleep in.

We were all exhausted by Sunday evening, but it was a great feeling to have so many of the participants and attendees tell us how glad they were that we were there, and they looked forward to our return.....so one way or another....even though the other organization has changed the rules on us....we will do it all again next year....

I have not had the opportunity to face the woman who caused me the most trouble, but I hope to soon, with a huge shit-eating-grin on my face! Oh Yeah!

Wandering off the path.

Finding my way.....many times I have mulled those three words over, wondering if I have.

In recent months, they have been in my mind a lot....wondering...have I found it?

Did it happen, and I missed the epiphany? It just occurred one day, or so slowly over a span of time that I haven't really noticed?

There are days when I feel as if I am centered, I am balanced, I know where I am going, I realize I have done many things right, more things right than wrong.....

Is that it, is that having found our way?

But then there are those days when I just feel out of sorts, not really sure what I am supposed to be doing...or that the direction I seem to be traveling is not very good for me, or good for those in my life. Wondering......Am I on the right path? Did I get lost, and need to create a new one?



Today due to the death of someone very important in my life, I had the opportunity to see some people I have not seen in years....it taught me something very important.

There are people who enter into our lives, for a period of time we may see them often, spend many hours with them....and then something in our life or their life changes, and we may not see each other for years....we lose touch....we think about each other on occasion...but don't pick up the phone and call ....don't put pen to paper and send a small "Hi, thinking of you" note.....we just let those thoughts enter our minds and then move on to the next task in life that seems so very important.

But, then something heartbreaking happens.....and those true friends....... those people that we have let disappear from our lives, that were once so much a part of our lives.....they are there.....right there in front of you, to give you a kind word, a hug, a smile...and you know....you know that.....yes you are on the right path.....how could you not be? These wonderful people are a part of your life....they may not be there on a daily basis....but when it counts....really counts...there they are.....they are there for you, to let you know that you are someone who touched their life, someone important to them.

The number of times my heart lifted earlier tonight...to see someone enter the room whom I have not seen in years....and they were there to tell us that they were there for us if we were in need.

I question though, would I be there for them? If I knew......yes I would be....but so many times.... because of inattention....I do not know until later that a former very close friend was or is in need, and I think it is too late....but perhaps it is never too late to let someone know that we care.

No matter what has happened in our lives to keep us from being there immediately, maybe just being there when we can be is enough.....after tonight, this past weekend, it was enough for me.

I don't want to forget how wonderful it felt to feel the love and friendship I felt tonight...I don't want to forget that it is never too late. That whatever path my life happens to be following, it is the right path, if there are so many wonderful loving people along it to help guide me in my search.

We Lost Our Anchor

She made the world safer for us all, gave us a sense of security, stability, knowing she was there always on our side, no matter what we did, whether it was something wonderful, or something that disapointed her. We knew we were loved. No matter how badly she might hate something that was happening in our lives, she didn't judge us harshly. She would worry, oh how she would worry about those she loved, but she kept that hidden away most of the time, knowing in her wisdom that we would all eventually find our way, make peace with the lives we lead.

She spent the majority of her life bearing others burdens, never questioning why that was her lot in life, just doing it. Just being her, providing all who knew her with the gift of herself.

I am not sure I ever truly thanked her for the hours she used to listen to me, listen to my fumblings at trying to learn how to be a good wife, a good mother.

I was not of her blood, but she welcomed me from the beginning, even on those days when I felt that I was failing her....she never stopped letting me know that she loved me...that in her eyes I was special. In her eyes we were all special.

When life would get so busy that we would forget to take a breath, she would somehow with just few words, enable us to take the time to admire a clematis vine in full bloom, or the color of the autumn leaves, or the sound of a woodpecker hunting for insects in the mulberry tree. At sunset one could always find her gazing out her kitchen window reveling in its beauty. If it was especially spectacular, she would stop whatever she was doing to go outside trying to get closer, trying to take it all in. She taught us to look for the simple beauty in all the many things that make up our world.

If we took the time to observe her, we learned the art of patience. I cannot count the nights she would prepare dinner for her farmer husband and grandson, then set it in the oven to stay warm, the hours of solitaire, the hours of gin rummy we used to play, while waiting for our men to come in from the field at 11:00 or midnight, she always waited, we ate when they ate, our work was done when their work was done.Those many long evenings, as we waited, playing cards, talking, she gave me the gift of her wisdom, the gift of doing small things to show our love.

She loved all things beautiful, and worked very hard to bring that beauty into her home, into her life, into her soul. In doing so, she brought that beauty to us all.

She taught her family the value of hard work, the luxury of a dinner table laden with good food, and filled with conversation and laughter.

In the 28 years I knew her, I only heard her raise her voice twice, in both instances the person who gathered her ire, had pushed her beyond a point no other person could bear.

For years I used the serenity prayer as my daily chant, to get me through the day, or an hour of a day. But in reality she was my serenity, just being in her presence could calm me, bring a peace to my soul, allow me to know that life has those moments when you think you can take no more, but that if you dig down deep within yourself, you will always find that you can take more, that you will survive, that life will be good again, maybe even better. That from all things bad, something good will come.

Our anchor is gone, but she will live on in the memories of those whose lives she touched, of all those she loved and loved her.

I am just not ready yet, I am unable to say goodbye, I am unable to envision our lives without her. I know that someday I will, but tonight, tomorrow, next month I can't do it, not yet, I am not ready for her to be gone.

Only one more to go!

Hooray! Weekend one is down....and with only half the help of the past...we reached our goal...so am one happy camper!

We are now almost ready for next weekend, the festival draws huge crowds when the weather is good...and another....Hooray! It is supposed to be great next weekend.

More details to iron out over the next week, and then the fun part....the selling, the visiting with all the other vendors, the music, the dancing, the history lessons, and all the yummy food...

Now if only my body will recover....wishing so much for a hot tub right now....a nice long long long soak, a bottle of wine...and ooohhh mmmmmmm groaning just thinking about it.

Plus I am so looking forward to seeing the face of "The Bitch" who tried to put a stop to us doing this......oh sooooooo looking forward to it!

Feeling My Age

There are days when I sooo feel my age...it is 1 am, or a bit after. My left knee feels like I spent the day playing soccer, or football...my feet....god my feet....after standing, on them nonstop for 17 hours straight they feel as if they are twice their normal size....I looked...they aren't....but oh do they feel like it.....I think back to this similar weekend one year ago, and at this time of the night I was still going, no thought of stopping, but by 11:00 tonight, all I could think of was a warm bath and bed. By midnight I was thinking...it is time to stop...now please....time to stop, clean everything up, and be ready to start early in the morning.

In a lodge about 60 feet long, and 40 feet deep, I must have walked miles, back and forth from the kitchen area to the main room....accomplished what I intended to today though, so that is something, but to do it all again tomorrow.....I am nuts...totally nuts.....gotta say though the people that helped...they put in almost as much time as I did, and were wonderful....

Was a strange day...had two stereo systems going...most of the adults were in the kitchen area....so every time I walked through that door either gospel rock or country music was playing....back into the main room, and it was such an eclectic mix of music...Cake, Modest Mouse, Enya, Pussycat Dolls, Shakira, Justin Timberlake, Steve Miller band--even the sound track for Lord of the Rings......okay seeing something here that seems kind of strange to me....I know who the artists were on the cd player in the main room, but in the kitchen...I didn't know any of them....but that is also the music that kept me moving....kept the energy level up...and to watch the girls dancing as they were working....just more fun...than the kitchen area.

One more day, I get through tomorrow, and then the next weekend...and it is all over with for at least another year....one more day.

And this is the project...I FOUGHT TO DO!.... what was I thinking?