Feeling of Impending Doom

Ever have that feeling, when things are bad, you just know that no matter what you do , things will get worse before they get better?

It happened, I knew it would, I had no idea it would happen as it did, and my wish of course is that it did not.

Miss Daughter who in recent months has proclaimed herself of the punk genre has been showing those signs of rebellion that all teens go through, with her it came suddenly. It was as if one day I woke up, and my little girl was gone. The way we were able to 'connect' was gone.

I could rationalize, and know in my brain, that it was something that had to happen eventually, and if we could get through it, we would be OK. Hopefully we will.

The catalyst, the sword of doom, fell this past Thursday night. Her good sense was tossed aside and pure teen-age girl took over. I know she drinks alcohol, she still swears she doesn't do drugs, says she has tried pot and didn't like it. She has started smoking cigarettes, which is a main point of contention, I will not allow her to do it in front of me, or in our home, if I witness it I will stop it. She knows this.

Back to Thursday. She attended a small concert, they happen most weekends, small, usually high school age garage bands, are highlighted for a few sets, there are usually two or three bands on the roster each weekend. This week, one of them was her boyfriend's. He decided it would be fun to be drunk during their sets, and so he scored some Everclear. They all drank four or more shots before the band went on. Miss Daughter and friends included.

I was to pick her up at 11. At 10:38 we get the call...she and her boyfriend had been arrested for drinking underage, and being a public nuisance. GRrrrrr!

Not a lot happened with the police, they kept them separated, they each had their own cruiser to ride in. I arrived to pick up Miss Daughter...then my mistakes began:

1) I didn't wait for her father to arrive so we could pick her up together, he was on his way, but I was already in town, since I was supposed to be giving them that planned ride home.

Lesson--no matter the good intentions or because it seems easier, if at all possible both parents should be there. Even in relationships where there is more disagreement than agreement, both should be there in times like these.

2) I had no idea how drunk she really was, she does seem able to pull it together when she needs to. So I decided with her defenses downed by alcohol it might be a good time to try to take the time to talk, get past her anger and find out what was going on, how I could help her, if I could help her. If there was something I/we needed to change to help her.
Ahhh, the darling girl, she was and will always be a master at manipulation and deflection, she was able to once again deflect the conversation away from herself and focus it elsewhere, no matter how I tried, she would continually redirect focus in another direction, toward areas she knows I have deep concern about. At one point she said something about her brother that really got to me. I pulled over to be able to focus on what she said.

Lesson--ffs! don't try to talk sense to anyone who is drunk...what was I thinking?

3) She was angry, oh so very angry...looking back I now know it was at herself as much as at me...but, of course in the heat of the moment, I didn't see that. She tried to leave the vehicle, so I grabbed her, this resulted in a rather violent tussle, me trying to keep her inside, her trying to get out. It escalated to a point I never would have thought possible. I ended up hurting her by pulling on her hair to keep her in, she ended up punching me, punching me four times. God! I never would have imagined Miss Daughter could pack such punches! My face is still showing the results of those punches, and probably will for the next week or so.

Lesson--it is too easy to let my emotions and fears override good sense, and don't try to 'get' someone who is drunk, all of those defenses may be down, but there is also no self-limiting factor, the alcohol has erased that.

4) We eventually calmed down. When we arrived home, I didn't try to restrain her, I just allowed her to climb out of the vehicle. Bad move! She took off running. We live on a farm surrounded by fields, but not that far from a small town, and within a few miles we are close to a highway interchange with a couple of gas stations. We looked for her for over two hours, maybe more. Thank god her older brother was at the house, he was a huge help, and when he finally found her (exactly where I knew she would be), she came home with him. Full of bravado and insolence, proud of what she had accomplished in those few hours. During that time, every bad scenario I could imagine went through me, I felt literally ripped apart, as did her brother and father.

Lesson--don't relax your guard, it is not over until she is safely tucked in bed, and then vigilence is still necessary.

5) I took to heart the things she said while drunk. I examined them and over examined them. I decided it was time to open up some of the problems we have been letting lie. Time to take the bull by the horns. So I addressed some of them...with her...we were able to get past the anger, and the emotional pain, we cried, we hugged, we apologized, and hopefully with time we will continue to do so. I also tried to talk to her father, we discussed many things, her punishment--which we did not agree on---it seems he thought mine too harsh--so we compromised at a 2 week grounding, and of course whatever community service she will have to do when probation gets done with her. But, I also tried to discuss the recent loss of our very much loved grandmother, tried to get him to talk it out as a family, so far no go...but hopefully soon. The biggest mistake I made was addressing our marriage. It was like hitting a brick wall. Within 30 minutes of our conversation it was as if it never took place.

Lesson--When so much is going on, when there are so many different underlying problems, even if you know the main problem...the one that is creating the other problems. Don't do it, address the crisis first, then at a later and a saner time dig deeper.

I have never in my life felt the amount of negativity and sadness that I have been feeling in recent months. But even in the midst of these darkest hours, I can see some positives. Miss Daughter and I got past the lack of communicating...it will be different, but we are back to voicing our true feelings, not retreating, not hiding, getting them out there. My trust in her will always be damaged, even my trust in that voicing of emotions, but I will never give up.

As to my marriage...maybe it was the wrong time...but there will never be a right time. It is the one area I truly still feel negative about, if I allow it, things will slide right back into the limbo we have been living for the past four years. So, it is up to me, I have to be the one, I am the one who is unhappy, and it is I who has to be that catalyst for the change. Someday soon, I have to bring it up again, I have to have a decision ready, I have to force him to see that even though I may not know what I want, I do know what I don't want.

A friend told me recently of a theory, that all things must equal out, whether bad things or good things, they equal out for all involved. So even though I have spent so many years trying to hide all the hurt, and keep everyone else happy and content, I did not succeed. Instead I ended up sharing that pain, they all feel it in one way or another. They will continue to do so. My time of fear and indecision must end, it has only caused harm, harm in the very ones I had hoped to avoid causing that harm to.

Family

One of those days, when I awoke with the feeling that I was somehow cracked, or broken. It was Christmas morning, we had our little nuclear family traditions that had to be completed. Which somehow felt as if something or someone was missing. There was someone missing...me.

I was dreading the rest of the day, the visit to my parents house, our third and final Christmas of the year. I don't know why, I usually don't mind the holidays with my side of the family, everything happily messily chaotic, with about five conversations going on at the same time, always getting interrupted and then trying to rejoin one conversation as the speaker continues on without realizing that I missed half of what they said. There is at least one small child crying or screaming somewhere, or, I am constantly having a set of headphones put to my ears as each new CD must be listened to. The constant rotation of food and more food being set out, eaten, cleaned up, and set out again. Amongst all of this is the main role I play...I am always the one looking around to make sure no one feels left out of the chaos...using jokes and encouragement to get things moving. But because of all of this and more, smiles and laughter are the mood of the day, even amid all the upheaval and stress that my extended family members seem to be constantly dealing with, we are a good natured bunch and the jokes and laughter last much longer than any tears or boredom.

I was feeling melancholy, and I didn't want to play my role, I didn't think I had the energy, I didn't think I could "fake it", I was enjoying my moody sadness. Then about half way to our destination, I realized, me playing my familiar role, was exactly what I needed.

I have allowed myself to wallow in my little world of woe for too long, and 'playing' my usual role would get me back. I would find the me who can look at the world with wide open eyes, and be glad I am here, be glad the people I love are here. It worked. Using my smile muscles worked.

Sitting back, and observing my weird wacky family, and being able to giggle, laugh, and joke was the mood elevator I needed. Just watching my 20 year old son playing with Legos with his four year old cousin. Watching my nine year old niece give her teenage cousins makeovers, feeding my one year old great-niece sweet-potato casserole, until I thought she would burst, hugging the thin shoulders of my father (and remembering when they seemed so very huge), giggling with my 21 year old niece (being a bit mean in our descriptions), as we listened to her father talk about joining a Russian online dating site, because after two bad marriages he preferred having his women friends 6000 miles away.

Within in minutes the familiar patterns emerged, the mingling and intermingling of groups. Observing the many different, oh, so very different personalities, but still able to see the similarities as well.

Going home, sometimes just going home to all that is old and familiar can allow me to look at my life, to know, there can be mountain and molehill sized problems, but that these 16 people will always be there for me in one form or another, to give me a hug, a kiss, a laugh, a giggle, or even a frown on occasion.

Morsels of Affection

"Frequently performing small, loving gestures creates a cumulative effect that reinforces the depth of our love and care. We often feel that small gestures hold less value than large ones, especially when conveying things as important as love and affection. By choosing instead to recognize that even small gestures can carry big messages to the receivers, we feel inspired to engage in them more frequently. As we make a habit of expressing kindness through small, meaningful actions, our loved ones are reminded again and again that we care. Over time, we realize that our little gestures of kindness have a longer lasting effect than would have one or two large gestures that may fade from memory."

A good thing to remember.

Under Attack?

I was on call for the past wo days, which means I manned the phone for whoever called needing information regarding a multitude of issues. Those issues ranged from several someone's needing money to pay their rent, or money to buy prescriptions, or money to make modifications to their homes for the use of a wheel chair, or ease of bathing, or money to pay a utility bill, or money to buy food, or Christmas gifts. Most of them seem to be from people lacking enough money to survive on. Unfortunately it being the time of year it is, there is no money left in the charitable coffers.

A few others were from elderly people seeking affordable or free transportation. I had very few phone calls in which I was able to offer viable happy solutions, or options to the caller's problems.

My last phone call of the day was the most frustrating. One that almost made me lose my compassion, my empathy, and brought me very close to not holding my tongue. Something I have noticed in the past few weeks of being on call, is at least once a day I receive a call from someone who has a source of income from the government, but have currently spent it all, have no way of earning any, and seem to feel they are entitled to any extra money that is available. But my agency has no actual money to give them, I have at my fingertips and in my brain a variety of charitable resources, but those do get depleted, the caller then becomes very angry when I am not forthcoming with a source of unlimited funds. Several have even told me that they had tried the resources I gave, but they want too much information, or it is too difficult to get to them. Most are within blocks of each other.

Anyway...that last phone call...tied in with one I had received earlier in the day from a woman calling in looking for a place to stay for a pair of homeless men. Both ill it seemed and living in their car. There was a lot of conversation that basically went nowhere, because they were not willing to visit one of the local homeless shelters, nor, it seemed the free health care provided for the homeless in our city. When I asked how she was going to give them the information I had given her, since she lives in another city, she told me they had recently purchased a pay as you go cell phone. OK.

The phone call...I answered the phone, and was immediately berated by a man because there is no place in the city for him to stay. He then began to list all of his illnesses and problems, without letting me interject a word. I finally got the opportunity to name the shelters and agencies available for emergency funds, and he then told me those won't work for him, He then told me that he just wanted $10.00 for gasoline. Which he is living in. By this time I have pretty much decided he is the very same homeless man I had received the call about earlier, and when he mentions a woman's name...I know for sure it is indeed he. I almost bit my tongue trying not to say..."Stand in front of the theater and panhandle for the ten bucks! If you can spend money on a cell phone then you need to think more about your priorities."
But I didn't say it. I apologized for the hard time he was having, reminding him that it was close to 5 o'clock on a Friday, and a holiday weekend at that. He was quite rude before he hung up on me. I tried to tell myself he was sick, he was tired, he was frustrated and in crisis mode, and I was the easiest person to blame. But, the more phone calls I get like his, the more I begin to wonder...where did this sense of entitlement come from? The thing is...all I really wanted to say was, "Tell me where you are, and when I am done at five, I will stop by and give you the $10.00". But I didn't, even though I have done it before, and will probably do it again. Instead, I reminded myself that this man and his friend had options, he was just not willing to take those options because they required some effort on his part.

This whole subject, sometimes puts a fright in me, I can see how very easy it would be to find myself in their very same circumstances, to find myself out of work for whatever reason, to find myself standing on line at a food bank, or, at a shelter hoping for a place to sleep. But, I truly do not believe that I would expect help and not give something back. There is a saying I have heard many times throughout my life, "What goes around comes around." Another way of saying "We reap what we sow."

I believe this, if I am given, I must give back. Tere was a movie made several years ago...I believe the title was Pay It Forward, based on the premise that when ever a favor or good deed is done for you, you do the same for someone you see in need. I try to live my life in that way, I try not to expect a return, I try not to expect that I must receive for my good deed (I receive anyway, because it feels good), but I have always hoped that when I have given to someone, they in turn will give to the next person they find in need.

* * * * * * *

I arrived home this evening, and decided to wrap some Christmas gifts. The scissors were missing, and I knew that Miss Daughter had been the last one to use them. I entered her room, looking on all available services, when I spy an unopened pack of cigarettes lying on the floor in front of her chair. I think, "Well darlin', I told you I would not search your room, but this is just too easy." I pocketed them, found the scissors, and went to my room to begin wrapping. She noticed them missing, and went storming off to her dad, accusing him of taking her cigarettes. He then came upstairs, to ask me if I had taken them. I, of course, said,"Yes I did, it is illegal for her to have them, illegal for her to purchase them, and she is not smoking in our house." He proceeded to tell me, he does not want to fight with her about it, and, he will not be in the middle of it. I told him, "That's was quite okay with me."

Miss Daughter then came in, and asked me if I had taken them, I told her exactly how I found them, and she said, "Yes, I knew Ileft them lying about, but that you should give them back." I responded with a, NO, and my reasons. She then proceeded to tell me that I owed her the money for them. She is sending flames of anger toward me, with her eyes during all of this. And, being speaking in a very scathing tone. I repeated my reasoning. She repeated that I needed to repay her. Storming off, she then asked her dad to take her over to a her boyfriends house. Which of course he did. All this while I am sitting on the floor of my bedroom, wrapping the gifts I had recently purchased for her.

And I thought, "I picked these out with love, I picked these out, because I thought she would feel some delight in receiving them. I picked them out and am carefully wrapping them to please her."

We havw finally gotten back to a bare semblance of our previous relationship, but, if I allow/ignore her smoking, I feel as if I am condoning her behavior, as if I am going against my beliefs. We are now back to a week ago. I already miss her, I already miss her coming to me and talking to me about her relationship problems, I already miss our shopping trips, I already miss so much, but I don't know how to be any different. I know that cigarettes at her age are not that bad, it is something many teens do, and maybe I am wrong, but it feels more wrong to just allow it to happen, it feels dishonest, it feels irresponsible.

I wanted to go to her, and tell her that this was the choice she made, that when she blatantly breaks the rules, blatantly throws her rebellion in my face, that I feel as if I must be the parent, I cannot be her friend. I am her mother, and as her mother I must try to protect her in whatever form that takes.

Thus, I sit om front of my computer, with my secret blogs, my secret wishes and desires, and I sometimes feel guilty about them...but when I rationalize, I do think it would be worse if I just threw it all out there in the faces of those that love me, they would be unhappy/shocked to find that there are times when I am unable to just be their wife/mother/daughter/aunt/friend/coworker, there are times that I need more in my life than the roles I play for them, even if the definitions of those roles have been in large part set by me.

I finally have a wish for this Christmas, a wish that I won't get, a wish that it will take a huge effort from me to accomplish, because I am the only one who is going to be willing to swallow my beliefs, even my pride (because it is involved too) , and take the steps needed...

I want my abnormal imperfect but loving family back.

Chicken Soup Time

Teary eyes, a scratchy throat, and a dripping, oh so red nose, that starts to tingle and I sneeze three times. Then , just when I think it is over, three more sneezes sneak up on me. I have gone through two large boxes of tissues and a roll of toilet paper (ran out of tissues). And, this was only day three! They say most cold viruses last a week to ten days. Sigh, I did stop and buy some of the lotion filled tissues tonight after work...oh, they do feel so much better.

I left work early yesterday, because of running a slight fever, and since I am new on the job I have no sick days. So today I took no lunch to make up for the lost time. The thing is, I didn't even miss it. The cold medicine I am taking that is supposed to hide the symptoms...steals my appetite away, and makes me extremely thirsty, so, I think I spent the day with a tissue in one hand, and a mug of coffee in the other. It got me through the day though. And by the way...the medicine doesn't hide the symptoms...or if it does, then I would hate to think what it would be like without it.


I had plans for this week, I am way behind on my Christmas gift shopping, plus, I was going to do some Christmas cookie baking, and make two Chocolate Turtle Cheesecakes---they are sooo good----but, I can't, unless I wear a mask while baking, which I don't want to do. I want sleep. Instead I had my daughter make some puppy chow for me to give away at work...and with each bag I included a card letting them all know it is safe to eat because germy ol' me didn't have a hand in the making of it.

Hey, maybe I am getting better, I just had a single sneeze, just one, not three.

Grrr! Nope, two of them just decided to surprise me.

I need sleep, oh I need sleep, a full 6 or 7 hours of sleep sounds so very wonderful.

Breathing Room

“It's the circle of life, and it moves us all, through despair and hope, through faith and love, 'till we find our place, on the path unwinding”
~Elton John~


Things are moving forward, only centimeters at a time but they are moving.

I wrote in a comment tonight that I grew up with people who prefer to deal with problems as if they did not/or do not exist. Maybe that is what we all try to do sometimes.

I was away from home for the past two days, upon my return that was what husband and Miss Daughter tried to do...pretend it all never happened. I cannot face life in that way. The things that were said just a little over 48 hours ago happened, they hurt each of us. That pain has a right to be acknowledged and hopefully somewhere along that unwinding path that E.J. sang about we will heal, learn, and grow beyond theplace we have found ourselves in these past few months.

Even though in the heat of the moment we all said things that were painful to hear, some of it needed to be said, most importantly it needed to be heard. So, even though it may be less painful if we pretend they weren't said, sometimes we have to live through the pain to grow stronger, to appreciate what we have, even if it isn't what we envision as the "perfect life", we are a family, and we have to embrace that.

It is a lesson for me, one that I need to assimilate and remember. I must remember who I am. In doing that, the important people in my life also remember who I am, what I am to them. I hope anyway, because that is what I gleaned from all of this. I realized that I have to remember "who" each individual in my life is, and that my actions effect them, my actions perhaps more than my words. During this learning process I have to remember to listen...really listen for the unsaid...it is not always a good thing to "read between the lines", but in this instance it is/was/ will be.

In so many ways this goes back to trusting oneself, trusting our intuition, our instincts...I have known for months that choices were being made that would end badly, but I went against that intuition because I wanted so badly to believe that Miss Daughter would not lie to me. That if I was there...to listen when she needed to talk...eventually it would all come out...the things I knew were being left unsaid...they always did in the past...little bits a time...but eventually I got it all...was able to understand, accept, and help. But this time, I chose not to see.

It is an age old thing with us parents I think, (at least that is what I told my parents many years ago, and they freely admitted to)...we parents sometimes prefer not to know...oh, we know...but if we pretend hard enough...then we don't know. And, what we don't know, we don't have to deal with. We don't have to worry quite as much.

Well now I know, and once I can get past my own selfish wallowing in this feeling of failure as mother. Then I will be me....just me...saying aloud those thoughts that are sometimes so very hard to say...we think them...then we tell ourselves that we cannot say them...it will either open us up to more pain...or it may cause pain.

In one sense, rethinking those thoughts, feelings that go through our minds...those thoughts that we question and oftentimes decide should just be left unsaid...in examining them...we perhaps put a little rational thought behind them...instead of blurting them out in pain/anger/fear...we think about them...they get said, but in a way that is much easier for the other person to hear.

In my case, I think them, they are on the tip of my tongue, and I tell myself, "No, bad idea. Don't say that. Don't allow them to see your level of pain. Don't trust them to understand. They could misunderstand and be hurt even more." (I really do talk to myself like that)

Once I have that me-to-me conversation...I say what I am thinking, feeling...I may reword them, process them to make them less emotionally unstable, which in turn makes them more easily understood. The best thing about it though, is that the person I am telling these so very deeply emotional thoughts to...will then tell me...tell me those very thoughts they were having, that they thought were better left unsaid. We become more open with each other. We begin to "know" each other so much better.

This is one of those babbling posts...one where I just started writing because I had the need to get it out. One in which I will not edit, because I will not post if I do.
And sometimes the posting is as important as the writing...I have no idea why...but that feels right somehow. Blah Blah Blah and so on.

Anyway....time for me to move on I think.

Hidden from Me

"...divest yourself of preconceived notions of what is good and what is bad so that you can appreciate the rich insights concealed in each stage of your life's journey."

How I have spent the past 20 years of my life was seriously called into question tonight, by one very troubled teen. My world has been turned upside down.

I read the above quote...what is good, what is bad? I thought I knew. I really thought I was doing the right thing, the good thing. I do not know how to appreciate yet what happened tonight. Where are the rich insights at this so very painful stage of my life's journey?

The thing is, when I look at it rationally I know there are parents in this world who have lived through much worse, so much worse. But I only feel sadness.

I had this misconception that I was doing good. How I have done so badly and not realized it?

I keep telling myself that most of it was teenage drama, deflection, redirection, to get the attention off of her, and to maim, stab, and cause us the pain she is feeling at being thwarted, caught.

But in every word there is a ring of truth, her truth as she sees it.
And her truth is that we have been living a lie.

All I wanted as a parent was to give love, stability, security, and for them to know that they could trust me to be there for them. I no longer know if I have accomplished that.

My soul feels as if it has been shredded. The edges are once again tattered, only now it is not by my own hidden demons, but by those I somehow misguidedly thought I was protecting my children from.

War Wounds

You go along for weeks, life is not perfect, but it is acceptable, there are even times of contentment.

You know that there are many changes that still need to be made, but somehow you know they will occur when the time is more right.

* * * * * * *

Life has been full of changes in the past few months, especially the past ten months. Deaths, more deaths that I ever thought I would experience at this stage of my life. Extended family stresses, changing jobs, changes in relationships. So many changes, I really thought I had taken them all in stride, sure that I could handle more. But today more happened and I just don't know if I am as unbreakable as I thought I was.

* * * * * * *

In an angry overreaction last night to a multitude of things going wrong, someone told me to STFU!, and another person's reaction to witnessing it, has just blown me away. It was a heated moment, lots of things going on, I was trying to deal with a technical problem, and it was just not working. I don't even remember being told to STFU! I remember feeling frustrated, angry, and walking away. But the witness to the other person's outburst it seems was harmed more than I, and their response to that outburst has raised questions within me, questions that perhaps demand and deserve answers.

* * * * * * *

I have spent the past six weeks thinking that I had to wait, that one more life-changing event could not occur in our lives, that we all might break...

I can't remember the last time I have felt so sure of something, and so damn torn at the same time...the damage that could be wrought is so great. When I try to imagine the scenario of change, how it will effect each person involved, I am stymied. I can't 'see' it, I can't intuit it, or at least I don't trust my intuition on this one. I do know that I am being emotionally manipulated by two who are masters at the skill...it is an inborn part of their personalities...they use it on each other, they use it on me...mostly on me...they each know the exact buttons to push.

It feels like a war of love, him trying to tug her away, and shut me out at the same time...me refusing to trust my perceptions on this one...but I think I have to...this is a war that I have been refusing to participate in...small arms fire being aimed at me...and me thinking that I could evade the bullets for another 18 months. But it seems the ricochets are wounding the innocent bystander. Maybe I need to stop picturing the warrior all alone, lonely and sad, and start worrying about protecting the innocent bystander from the pain this quiet insidious war is causing her. I really don't think time will heal these wounds.

Changing jobs was a piece of cake compared to this.

Road Trips in My Future

I like, oh I like! Not planned, but she is all mine, mine, mine! To do with as I wish....and that means....top off, the wind in my hair, and the sun on my face.....top off the jeep not me! ~grin~





My question to myself is.........will I take her off roading? On some of those side roads I passed in the mountains this past spring, but was sure my little car wouldn't make it through? I think I will be unable to resist.