Gifts of Words

A moment of shock, fear, heartbreak, a moment when an unthinkable act occurs. A family is broken, before it begins.

That is the basic premise behind Kim Edwards' novel, The Memory Keepers Daughter.

I am only halfway into the novel, and I am spellbound, not just by the story itself, but by the depth of the characters, by Ms. Edwards descriptive turn of phrase, words that have to be reread, pages filled with words that resonate, words that mirror the moments of our lives.

~*~

"Her milk rose up again with its own irresistible tidal rhythms, a force so powerful it seemed to wash away everything she had been before. I wake to sleep, she thought..."

~*~

"He fished in his pocket for his keys and instead pulled out the last geode, gray and smooth, earth-shaped. He held it, warming in his palm, thinking of all mysteries the world contained: layers of stone, concealed beneath the flesh of earth and grass; these dull rocks, with their glimmering hidden hearts"

~*~

"He rose then, carefully, slowly, as if she were a bird he might startle into flight. But, Norah stood very still, intensely present in her body, feeling as if she were made out of sand, sand meeting fire and about to be transformed, smoothed, made glittering."

~*~

"Where was the toddler who had pulled off his shoes to taste them, the boy climbing trees and standing up on his bike with no hands? Somehow, that sweet daredevil boy, had become this young man. David's heart was filled, beating with such intensity that he wondered for a moment if he might be having a heart attack..."

~*~

"But he saw her understand, even as she spoke. In that moment something was stripped away. It all stood between them then..." "...the lies and the excuses..." "His lies too. She nodded once, slowly, and he was afraid of what she might say or do, of how the world might be forever changed. He wanted, more than anything, to fix this moment in place, to keep the world from moving forward."

~*~

Sunny Words # 19

"Is it so small a thing
To have enjoy'd the sun,
To have lived light in the spring,
To have loved, to have thought, to have done..."

~Matthew Arnold~

I write and you think:

• Journey::

• Eavesdrop::

• Ambrosia::

• Glyptic::

• Token::

• Meme::

• Picnic::

• Swashbuckler:

• Yellow::

• Base::

Breaking Point/Inner Strength

I wrote the entry below this portion last night.

I removed it earlier today, my daughter's beloved canine friend died.

I removed it because, knew I would be changing the entry, I had no idea how, I still do not, I am in a mood, to just write my thoughts out, examine, and let them go.

In all honesty, during the writing of the entry last night, I truly thought, I was only thinking of my daughter. But now, I am not so sure. Yes, she was in my mind. But, I now believe, I was transferring some of my own emotions.

We are dealing with many small stresses in our lives, (granted, they do not seem small to us). Miss Daughter manifests her stress in more obvious, teen-age driven ways, than I. I just did not want to think about how I was truly feeling, I was only allowing myself to think about her, or so I thought....we are all very narcissistic at times in our lives.....gazing at our reflections, seeking answers..........sometimes.....missing the complete truth of what is happening around us.

Anyway, when I compared our stresses, to those experienced by those of others peopling our world, our problems appear so minuscule. As I was writing last night, my thoughts turned in that direction. The families across the world, who fear to ride public transportation, due to the possibility of suicide bombings, or the many other acts of war. Those families who have no clean drinking water, or no more to eat than a ration of rice to fill their starving bellies. Illness, disease, multiple deaths, poverty, war, the list could go on, and on......with no end. These thoughts helped to place my own problems in perspective. These thoughts do not make my own disappear, nor any less stressful, but they do open my eyes to the fact, that I live a very easy life, and so do my children. Anyway, all a part of my thought processes throughout.

In all of this, my wondrous baby girl, demonstrated her strengths to me.

Miss Daughter, is sad, grieving, but handling it, amazingly well. Open to the memories she has of her beloved pet. She filled her day with school, friends, and with music. She made a conscious decision not to spend the day grieving. We each spilled tears, sharing hugs, words of support, and the need for answers. (Filled with the need to know why she died, in response to our questions, we have taken her body to a diagnostic lab for a necropsy to be done, hoping for those answers.)

My darling, said to me, only hours ago. "They say, getting another dog helps. But, I am not so sure I can. Not right now. I would only make comparisons, and there would be no comparison. My Dog, was always mine, she had a spirit that was uniquely her, we belonged to each other."

And, my darling daughter, was correct, her pet, was truly hers, when it was time for Miss Daughter to return her to her pen, the dog, always obeyed, but, often times, she would place her mouth over Miss Daughter's hand, until that hand was engulfed, and, then, gently tug. What meaning do we put to such a gesture?

Dogs, are loyal creatures to their pack members, Miss Daughter was her Alpha, she obeyed her without hesitation. The dog suffered a broken leg at a young age, and had to have the leg re-bandaged every week, due to her rapid puppy growth. She was very hard to handle for the Veterinarian staff, her body writhing, teeth flashing, unless Miss Daughter stood by her head, and then, she was completely docile, no matter the pain or discomfort she suffered.

Pets. Our lives are enriched by the animals we have in our care. No matter the species, there is learning we gain from having them in our lives. In the past 7 years, I have mourned the death of 3 dogs, several cats, and two rats. All, animals, that were loved by our family, cared for by our family, and in return, even the rats seemed to have some sort of inter-species affection for those of us who saw to their needs. We have a tendency to anthropomorphize our pets, placing human thoughts and emotions on them, a fun verbal game, we in my family play (making up thoughts for the actions of the animals in our lives), but we also realize, they are truly beyond our understanding. Even with that knowledge, they do add to our lives, giving gifts of comfort, a living, breathing, soft warm life, to touch and caress, to soothe our souls.

When lost, we mourn them, or most of us, there are those that dehumanize, instead of humanize......with that thought, perhaps, a little anthropomorphizing of an animal is better, than thinking they do not feel. They do, just watch the interactions, whether animal to animal, or animal to human. They feel. In their way, I believe they love too.

I have seen a cat grieve the loss of her house mate, I have seen a dog, grieve the loss of its master. Just as we grieve their loss.

I have wondered, is it easier, this time, because we have dealt with so many deaths in the past year? Death has not taken a vacation this year, his scythe is well used. Does it become easier, or do we just learn to grieve more gracefully? Or, is it, because as pet 'owners', we know from the very beginning, that their lives are short-lived compared to our own? As children we do not realize this, but as we grow older, it is a lesson learned by all. My daughter, my son, learned this lesson early on, living on a farm, living with a constantly changing menagerie of animals filling our home and lives.

I have no real answers, but I do know.....that life continues.....each day, we breathe in, we breathe out.....we can witness life, or we can live it.....the good and the bad.....sighs.......and more sighs......I am still rather weary.....of saying goodbye........we all are.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Yesterday--04//26/2007
How much is too much? We each have a point we reach, when we feel as if we have reached our breaking point.

I have been sitting here this evening, pondering, trying to sort out, how much will be too much for my family, most especially, my daughter.

In the past year, there have been many changes take place in my daughters life.

Changes, that to me, I think I take in stride, (well sorta), knowing that each, is a part of life, maybe not a part of life that we want, or wish for, but they happen, we will suffer during some of them, but we will get through them.

But to a 17 year old, each change, has been a major one. She lost a very close friend last spring to suicide, she then lost her great-grandmother and mentor this fall. She lost her best friend, or the person she thought was her best friend due to the usual teen-age stuff. Then I changed jobs, and went from having a very flexible schedule, from being a large part of her life, being available to her most of the time when she was not in school or with friends, to being gone 9 to 10 hours every week day, sometimes more. In addition, her family has fallen apart, her grades have fallen, which has left her feeling very disappointed with herself.

Will one more thing, be her breaking point? Her dog, and I mean, HER dog, is very ill, possibly dying, of an unknown, undiagnosable, untreatable illness. She has loved this animal, she has trained her to behave in the way an animal with huge sharp teeth must in our world. Miss Daughter, used her intellect, her natural intuition of animal behaviors, to teach a very strong willed dog, to obey her, for the dog's safety, as well as that of humans.

She has had many pets in her short life, has lost many, through illness, old age, or even at the meat packers (being that she makes pets of her beef show cattle), but this one, this is an animal that became more to her, she has been her running companion, her soccer partner, her companion to hug, when she was miserable over lost love, and teenage angst. They have explored the nearby state park together, they have learned together. Miss Daughter is a true animal lover, she has a gift, most especially with feral animals. But this, this is losing a member of her family.

I am not sure how she will handle this one. She has been suffering from panic attacks in recent months, has started experimenting more and more with teen-age rebellious behavior.

As a parent, we want to soften the blows our children feel, we ache when they ache, we feel their pain, we commiserate with them, but there is nothing I can do in this situation, as with many others, except try my best to be there for her, give her the nurturing she needs. Grieve with her, cry with her, hug her, hold her. It doesn't feel like enough.

Don't

"Don't probe darkness to understand light.
Don't probe sickness to be healthy.
Don't indulge in lack to have supply.
Don't dwell in misery to understand happiness."

~Lester Levenson~

A list of don't s.

It makes sense.

Let go of the negative, let go of the wanting, embrace what we have, change what we can, as we can.

When my mood is dark, and I dwell on that darkness, it gets no better. So, if I try to remember to look for the light, I can find it, there always is light, somewhere. Always. It rained today, skies were bleak, but during a lull in the rain, the sun came out, and even though I couldn't see it, I knew there was a rainbow......somewhere.

When I am sick, or feeling pain, if I dwell on the pain or the symptoms of an illness, it seems to become more intense. If I look for a distraction from the pain, do something to take my mind off the symptoms, they are not nearly as bad, at times forgotten, just a dull ache or feeling in the background of the moment.

If I only think of terms of what I need and don't have, to make my dreams come true, I get bogged down in the details of trying to make up for that lack. If, I instead look at what I already have, and what I can do with what I have to supply my need, then dealing with the lack seems so much more manageable.

To me, the darkness, and dwelling on it, is what creates misery. Thus they feed each other. Letting go of the misery, means seeing those glimmers of light, piercing the darkness. And, when that happens, I feel this tiny little bubble of happiness, it is always with me, and always will be, it is why I can view life with bemusement and amusement at times. Let the drama go.

All words that make sense to me, all ideas that if incorporated into the way I live my life, would create a brighter, more optimistic outlook.


So, why is it so hard to don't?


Years, and years, of slowly feeling my real self eroding away.

Another World

The Wild Trees: A story of passion and daring. By, Richard Preston.

A book, I plan on reading very soon.


I had the opportunity to listen to an NPR, Day to Day interview of Richard Preston, telling the story behind his book. It had to have been a truly amazing, life changing experience.

The author, who is afraid of heights, even took a tree climbing course to be able to visit the trees deep in the temperate rain forests of Northern California. These forests, that are five to ten times the biomass of the tropical rain forests. Rain forests that we forget are here in our little corner of the world.

I was spellbound by his quiet passion-filled voice, for that is what his expedition created, a passion for the world of the giant sequoias.

These giants, hiding out on our continent, are often 30 feet in diameter, and up to 35o feet high, it takes special climbing equipment, (called a spider rig), to reach the canopy. Trees of such height, the climbers are only able to communicate via hand held radios. The group of botanists studying these behemoths, are led by couple, Steve Sillett, and Marie Antoine. My imagination was sparked, and intrigued, as I listened to the author tell his story. I dream of seeing them, these land giants of our world, someday........but, somehow, I doubt I ever will, not in the way Richard Preston did.

His soft, compelling voice, described a 14 hour trek, covering only 2 miles, a dangerous hike, that also included some crawling, through thorn thickets, and piles of deadfall, (walls of wood that can be up to 30 feet tall), walls that a hiker must climb and crawl over during their travels, walls that can lead a not so careful hiker to their death. Thus, one, would have to be extremely physically fit to accomplish the task of just getting to the redwoods themselves. Much less, experiencing the canopy world.

A world filled with abundant life, a canopy of interlaced and fused branches, of fire caves burned into the trunks, or limbs with several meters of soil layered on them. Creating a canopy filled with plant and animal life, such as few living humans have ever seen. Ferns, insects, lichen, moss, and salamanders. Tree limbs with bushes and other small trees growing from them.

He described a world within a world, when elucidating on the tree canopy.

A world of mystery, and beauty. A fragile world, a world hidden from most of us.

A world that should stay that way.

Hiding in the Shadows.

"But to love me, I have to accept that I am more than fear and shadow, I have to accept that there are things within me that can make me happy, that can make someone else happy, that there truly is something about me that is lovable, likable. Because when I set all outside influences aside, and just "be me" I am so content, and there are people who want to be with me, want to spend time with me, want me...they want me in their life, in whatever form that takes. On those days, when I can accept that....the joy I feel is so wonderful, so freeing." ~Quoting Myself~

"...just step inside my heart and walk around these rooms, where the shadows used to be..." ~Mary Chapin Carpenter~

Recently, several older blog entries of mine were brought to my attention, I reread one, then another, and reread them. Pondering, have I come very far since then? Am I worse off? Better?




In the past few weeks, I have been feeling lost, alone, needing to make a change, but out of fear, or guilt, or both, I have not accomplished it. In that process I begin the self-flagellation process, a continuing downward spiral. Wanting to hide, but forcing myself not to, forcing myself to come out of hiding, if only for a moment or two before I ease back into the shadows.

Never before in my life, have I heard these words directed toward me, "You look so sad", until now.

There are times, when life doesn't really make sense, when things happen. And, they seem to happen at the perfect time......when we need them to happen. Karma, maybe? I don't know. I don't really care why they happen. I am content to know they do happen.

I have been hiding from myself, from the needful things to be done in my life.

Hiding in shadows, hiding in fear, hiding in sorrow and tears, hiding in depression, hiding in guilt.

I look at my life......at what I have to do......and......I.......freeze.

Twenty-seven years. It repeats in my head, twenty-seven years, twenty-seven years married. Then I add the other three years we were together before marriage, thirty years of my life, almost two-thirds of my life invested (was it? invested I ask myself), in a relationship, in a marriage, in creating, nurturing a family. Two-thirds of my life........(OK, vain enough to state it is not quite two-thirds, but close).

And, I want to, need to, have to, walk away from that. Every part of me shouts out.....go, Go, GO!!! Yet, I am still here.

Even though I have taken many of the initial steps, even though I now have a plan, and know, that my children, my family, my friends, support me.

I stay here.
Hiding.
Buried in guilt.
Buried in fears.
Buried in sorrow.
Hiding in the shadowed recesses of my mind.

Something keeps happening though, as these seemingly infinitesimal increments of time pass, as I allow myself to express how I am feeling, without hiding in the shadows.

People, old friends, new friends, strangers, all give me a gift.
These gifts, may be a few words of encouragement, a listening ear, a quote, a poem, a bouquet of flowers (thank you Fi *s*). Or, a few simple phrases........"I wish I could hold you and tell you everything is going to be OK."......"We sleep under the same moon."......"I love you, I am here." Simple words, or gestures, that allow me to know that I am not alone.

Each helping, each shining more light into the shadows. Each at a time, when I need these shadows of mine illuminated, when I need the fears brought out into the open again.

I am very good at rebuffing people, very good at not returning phone calls, very good at hiding. I often have to force myself to be open, to allow my feelings to emerge. Each time forcing myself out of the shadows, to let someone in. So many times in the past, someone has attempted a deeper friendship, and I have discouraged them, by keeping the conversation on the lighter side, changing the subject, refocusing the conversation in another direction........

Thinking, they did not need to see, or deal with my boring, little problems, did not want to hear my whining, did not want to hear my fears, guilts, sadness........(yeah, still battling that self-esteem problem).

Yet, these thoughtful people do not give up on me.....so I have learned to speak, learned to allow one more person in, even though there are times, when I think I say too much. But, whenever I do allow my feelings to be expressed, the most AMAZING things happen! They support me, they hug me, they give me smiles, laughter, and affection. Best of all, a few give me little gems of wisdom........or just when I think I have thought something through, and can come up with no answers.......one of my new found supporters.......comes up with the most brilliant answer to the current predicament.

When I find myself retreating, which is often, when I realize I am hiding, once again hovering in the shadows of my mind. I wallow for a while, then when the hot tears well up, and no matter how hard I try to keep them from sliding down my face, they overflow my eyes. I realize, I have say it, or I have to write it in an email, not just in the anonymity of the blog. I say it to people who know me, who stand by my side, and show me, they are here, now, and will be there for me in two days, or two months.........they.....will.....be.....here......as long as I continue to reach out.

These friends, these angels of life, they cast a light on me, to illuminate my hidden heart. They pluck at the tattered edges of my soul, helping me, caring for me, just being there. Brightening my world, and I then can see.........I see the answers I was so hopelessly seeking.

Then, in the midst of wallowing, in the midst of sinking into the bleak abyss, wonder of wonders, I hear these amazing, fantastic people tell me.......they believe in me. They share their strength with me, they gift me with the self-knowledge, that I do have the strength, to do what I must do.

I take a good look at these wonderful people, these jewels of light that are attached to the fabric of my soul, and I have to acknowledge their specialness, I have to know with no doubts. If these beautiful beings, these spirited loving messengers, care about me, then I am doing something right in this world, to have them in my life.


And, I smile, through the tears in my heart.


*this blog entry started out as a way for me to ease some pain, an attempt to freely write out my deepest fears and guilts......but somehow in the writing, it changed, it became an awakening, I began to be grateful, instead of sorrowful.

Sunny Words 18

It's been a while since I posted any word associations.........


I write and you think:

• Weak::

• Pressing::

• Canoodle::

• Safekeeping::

• Wastrel::

• Mush::

• Bountiful::

• Knock:

• Preoccupied::

• Fame::

* * * * * * * * * * * *

I was so thrilled with myself yesterday! The weather was glorious, a sunny, 82 degrees Fahrenheit. I have hesitated at attempting to take the rag top off of my Jeep, thinking it would be a difficult endeavor. Nope, it was so easy! To take off, and put back on! More importantly, we had fun.......

Although I had forgotten how much the wind tangles my hair.......but so worth it!





Luckily, we weren't in need of this!

Meaning

Words, there are days when certain words will circle 'round and 'round in my head. Until, I finally have to examine them, look for their deeper meaning.

Since late Wednesday, one word has been rebounding in my head, conjugating many more.

Respect. A friend used it in an emailed discussion with me, and, as I kept pondering, wondering, contemplating respect, others began to appear. And, what we do to authenticate them.

Definition of Respect: esteem for or a sense of the worth or excellence of a person, a personal quality or ability, or something considered as a manifestation of a personal quality or ability. To show regard or consideration for.

Synonyms of Respect: reverence, regard, honor, veneration, consideration, esteem, admiration, love.

And, there, they were, those words that were resounding within me, all there, in respect to the word Respect.

Admiration, Reverence, Consideration, Veneration, Honor, Regard, Love.

Hmm, so many words, to describe one word, synonyms each, yet all having slightly different connotations.

How does one show respect, how does one honor another, demonstrate love?

In another communication, I made the attempt to explain, how through the use of words, I was trying to demonstrate a depth of feeling. It was, in effect, an action, one which had deeper meaning, than just the use of words, yet, solely through the use of words. Words were, all I had to convey how I felt.

Again, and again, I ask myself, how do we do it? How do we use actions, combined with words, to convey real meaning? Have them understood, and accepted for what they are.

Words alone, cannot do it...........actions alone, often cannot do it.

Bestow respect?

So much is involved, it is listening (or reading) with intent. Aspiring to convey to another, that we give credence to their thoughts, words and actions. A demonstration marking our admiration/love/esteem for another. Positive acknowledgment of differences, perhaps, even highlighting and celebrating those differences. It is being solicitous of another, and expressing it. Affirming the feelings of another, caring.

In the process, understanding, that no matter how we may deny it, our actions, and words, do affect the feelings of another. Acceding, that no matter how we try to deny it, we do allow the words and actions of another to affect us.

In a comment on another blog entry, I made mention of a nibblet of a memory, in which the people of another country, greet each other with the words , "I see you". I don't remember which country, or culture, I especially do not recall which language. I even tried googling it, but couldn't find it, I do know why that particular phrase sticks in my memory........it demonstrates respect in one form of another.............."I see you today, I hear you today, I care about you today, I love you today."




I have been trying to walk, or walk/run most nights for the past week, usually Miss Daughter is with me (chattering away), but last night, she didn't feel like going, so I went alone. I took my MP3 player along this time. On replay was the song below, somehow, it seemed to fit my mood, fit my thoughts, fit the words.

Mary Chapin Carpenter's ~This is Love~

If you ever need to hear a voice in the middle of the night
When it seems so black outside that you can’t remember light
Ever shone on you or the ones you love in this or another lifetime
And the voice you need to hear is the true and the trusted kind
With a soft, familiar rhythm in these swirling, unsure times when the waves are
lapping in and you’re not sure you can swim
Well here’s the lifeline
If you ever need to feel a hand take up your own
When you least expect but want it more than you’ve ever known
Baby here’s that hand and baby here’s my voice that’s calling, this is love,
all it ever was and will be
This is love

And if you ever need some proof that time can heal your wounds
Just step inside my heart and walk around these rooms
Where the shadows used to be, you can feel as well as see how peace con hover
Now time’s been here to fix what’s broken with it’s power
The love that smashed us both to bits spent it’s last few hours
Calling out your name, I thought this is the kind of pain
From which we don’t recover

But I’m standing here now with my heart held out to you
You would’ve thought a miracle was all that got us through
Well baby all I know, all I know is I’m still standing
And this is love all it ever was and will be
This is love

And I see you still and there’s this catch in my throat and
I just swallow hard till it leaves me
There’s nothing in this world that can change what we know
Still I know I am here if you ever need me
And this is love

And if you ever think of me let it be around twilight
When the world has settled down and the last round of sunlight
Is waning in the sky, as you sit and watch the night descending
A car will pass out front with lovers at the wheel
A dog will bark out back and children’s voices peal
Over and under the air, you’ve been there lost in the remembering
And if you ever wish for things that are only in the past
Just remember that the wrong things aren’t supposed to last
Babe it’s over and done and the rest is gonna come when you let it

And this is love, all that it ever was and will be
This is love, when you let it, if you let it now
This is love, all it ever was and can be
This is love

Nature's Gifts

I wrote this yesterday:

I love Spring, yet, I find something inspiring within all of the Seasons, except Winter, and even Winter can have it's moments. But, the months filled with warmth and sunshine, are by far, the best. I love the warm days, and the cool nights of Spring and Autumn, I love the flashy, lush, explosion of color and life in the heat of the first flush of Summer.....granted, the mid-July to mid-August days of summer in the Midwest do leave me desiring the cool mornings and evenings of Fall. But, oh, the sunshine of Summer! I need the sun, I revel in the feel of the heat of it sinking deep within my skin, into my very sinews and bones. (I kind of ignore the fear of melanoma)

Thus, of late, I have been allowing my eyes to wander on my morning drives to work, and those back home again. Reveling in the enormity of the changes in nature that seem to occur overnight. The Tulips, Daffodils, Hyacinths, Crocuses, the Lily of the Valley, seeming to appear and bloom overnight. The Forsythia bushes shouting out their beauty in their blazing golden yellow glory. The (purple) Redbud trees all abloom. The incredible shades of green that are appearing before my very eyes.......each year, I notice anew, the variety of greens, I am not sure there are even enough color words to describe the full spectrum of greeness. This beauty, that nature accords us with. Emerald, Seafoam, Avocado, Lime, Evergreen, Olive, Peagreen, Forest......and so many more.

Green, the spring greening of nature. Green, a color of renewal, of change, it gives an infusion of life to us all. During my drives, as my gaze follows the flow of trees greening along the riverbanks, the diffusiveness of the leaves on the various tree species, I am continually, in awe at the beauty of our world. I may not love living in the flatlands of the prairie, I always feel as if I have come home, when in the mountains, but there is a beauty here. I am lucky, I live near two rivers, I pass wetlands, I pass acres of prairie, I witness the new young of wildlife, and domesticated animals daily. The farm pastures I pass by, are full of the dancing and skipping of calves, foals, and lambs. My barn has several new litters of kittens inhabiting it. As I walk along the night darkened, streets of the small town near me, I hear the wetland noises of toads, and spring peepers. My morning drive is filled with the sight of Pheasants, Cardinals, Robins, Bluebirds, Geese, and Hawks soaring.

When life seems too much, when my emotions seem to be running on high, and then plummet unexpectedly to the lowest of the low, in what seems to be a blink of an eye. I allow my gaze to wander, allowing the beauty of our natural world to send small fingers of joy radiating through me, when I allow myself to see......to truly see.....what is wrought upon our world.....these are times, when serenity is allowed to enter me, allowed to soothe me, allowed to inspire me with the feeling, that no matter how bad things seem, there is another day, and each day has moments of joy. Not a big, THIS IS A MOMENT TO ENJOY MOMENT.... they are rather small ones really.....but each small infusion, is uplifting, life giving, when I allow myself to see it, to feel it.

Yes, it was a warm, full of sunshine day here in the Midwest, and, I took the time to really see it.

Then today:

I had to take a longer drive, it was an enjoyable drive, in many ways, the scenery was breathtaking, even on the return trip, I drove through a portion of a thunder storm, and the rapid darkening of the skies, the rain hitting the windows, the wind blowing, were again a wonderful sign of the wonder of our world.

But, my thoughts were also distracted. I was on the strangest kind of high, at least in retrospect that is what it seems like. I had to make a home visit today. I have a client who is dying, it is not even easy to write of what he is dying of, he has four different deadly illnesses battling away at his body. His family is exhausted, they have been caring for him in their home for over six months, there are three of them, there and ready to give aid to him, regardless of the hour. They are all so very exhausted, on the verge of a meltdown. It was palpable in the very air of the home, how stressed they all are. Yet he is not the only one who is ill, his wife battled and won against breast cancer, she is currently suffering from a debilitating lung disease, his niece (another caregiver) cares for her own child, who has Spina Bifida, another caregiver has diabetes, heart disease, and the associated problems that go along with those illnesses.

In recent months, they have been receiving four hours a week of respite, from an outside home health agency. It has helped a small amount, but not nearly enough. Today, I was able to offer them more, to give them aid financially, as well as additional hands, if a hospice service decides the client is ill enough (dying) to come into the home.

Thus my high, there I was, in this home filled with sadness, exhaustion, and grief, and I was able to offer them more, because, their loved one is dying. I was on a high, because, most of the time, I have to turn people down, because, they are not sick enough, they are not the right age, they have too much money (though not enough to fill their needs). I could actually give, because someone is sick enough! How sad that is to me. It is wonderful that the services are available, but, one has to be close to death's door, or crossing the threshold before they can be offered help.

Anyway, that is not really the reason I was distracted in my thought processes. It was due to my thinking about, the nature of how illnesses, accidents, disease, disaster, seem to befall some people, they are deluged with it/them. Why?

What is it, what causes that?

I cannot count, the number of times, I have looked at the lives I have observed, like the family I have described, and I think....."I am so lucky."

Is it luck? There doesn't seem to be a rhyme or reason to define why some are deluged, and some are not. They are not bad people, they are not good people, they are just people, all different, from all walks of life.

I cannot help but make comparisons, to the life I lead, and to theirs. We are no different, I have the same vices as many, the same faults, the same fears, the same joys, some are filled with faith, some are not. Some are hopeless, some forever full of hope.

What is different about them? What is it that befalls them, why them, and not me?

Perhaps, it is the very nature of my career choice, that I see so much more of it, whereas many other people, just go along living their lives, and, do not see the vast differences in people, and what heartaches are experienced.

Nature gives, nature takes........just life I guess.

Something Besides My Maudlin Meanderings

Whenever we read/hear/watch the daily news, it always seem to be bad news, or really awful news. Today was no exception, today was a day filled with horrific news.

Except for one (old) news story I heard today.

For some reason, it stayed with me........sigh.....that doesn't happen often, I forget most factual items rather quickly. It must have stuck, because of where my imagination flew off to when I heard it. Visions of blue vests, with lots of "flair" pinned to them, yellow smiley face stickers, and grey hair.

Do you shop at Wal-Mart? or Meijer? They employ very special people, to perform a very special job. The main job requirement is one in which, the employee exhibit an extremely effusive, bubbly personality, and a kind smiling face.

Their official job title, I believe, is A Greeter.

Their purpose?

No, it is not to happily find you that one special shopping cart without the squeaky wheel.

The psychology behind The Greeter, is to deter shoplifting.

Does it work?

Hmmmm, in 2006 Seattle, Washington held the great distinction of having the 7th highest number of bank robberies in the state.

So far, in 2007 robberies have been down from the same quarter of 2006, to almost half the number. (either the job market is better, or their new technique works)

How? By using a version of your friendly neighborhood Greeter.

South Coast Today Article

Excessive friendliness is the key to the "Safecatch" system created by FBI Special Agent Larry Carr. The premise is that an overdose of courtesy will unnerve would-be robbers and get them to rethink the crime.

"If you're a legitimate customer, you think, 'This is the friendliest person I've met in my life.' If you're a bad guy, it scares the lights out of you," said Drew Ness, a vice president of Bellevue-based First Mutual Bank, who advocates the approach.

Carr, who has taught the method to employees at 16 Washington banks over the past few years, credits the system in part for the drop in Seattle bank robberies from 80 in the first three months of 2006 to 44 during the same period this year. On Tuesday, he ran a training session for employees at a First Mutual branch in Seattle.

The method is a sharp contrast to the traditional training for bank employees confronted with a suspicious person, which advises not approaching the person, and at most, activating an alarm or dropping an exploding dye pack into the cash.

When a man walked into a First Mutual branch last year wearing garden gloves and sunglasses, manager Scott Taffera greeted him heartily, invited him to remove the glasses, and guided him to an equally friendly teller. The man eventually asked for a roll of quarters and left.

Carr said he suspects the man was the "Garden Glove Bandit," who robbed area banks between March 2004 and November 2006.

Carr stressed that employees should never put themselves in danger, and they should comply with any demands made by an armed robber.

Some interesting follow-up comments from the Cognitive Daily running a similar version of the same article.

Comment # 1: "If you're a legitimate customer, you think, 'This is the friendliest person I've met in my life."

If a bank clerk shook me warmly by the hand and came on extra friendly, I'd think "Fuck off you creep, I don't want your obviously fake charm, I just want you to do your job. And if you can't do that, I'll find another bank."

Besides, how are they supposed to spot "potential robbers" and single them out for the smarm treatment? Anyone wearing sunglasses? Anyone they haven't seen before? Anyone who just looks a bit rough and unshaven?

Posted by: Kapitano

He has a point in regard to profiling.

Comment # 2: I agree with Kapitano. I hate the banks that feel the need to greet you with a fake smile and ask you how your day is. I don't like interacting with fake people to the point where I do all my banking at the ATM and shop at the grocery stores where you can check yourself out.

Posted by: Adria

She seems like the friendly sort.


Comment # 3: I'm assuming they're basing this approach on the fact that most bank robbers share certain psychological characteristics or are of a certain psychological type. Perhaps the bank robber is generally of average or below-average intelligence, has poor social intelligence, low self-esteem, yada yada yada. Some years ago here in Buffalo, a bank teller told the robber he had to have an account to rob the bank (evidently she must have seen that the hamster in his head was pretty slow), and the guy got discouraged and left. This friendly approach definitely would not work with an armed gang that immediately takes control of the whole bank, or a drug addict in desperate need of money for his next fix.

Posted by: Dave Group

Bet she received a raise and a promotion, I know I would have given her one!

More Thoughts on Love and Life

Oil on canvas by Deron Cohen, 1998

"The only thing more beautiful than two lovers, is being one of them"

When someone tells you they love you, what do they really mean?

How do we interpret those words?

Is it not our own interpretation of what loving is? Our own interpretation of those words in comparison to how we love?

We all understand, or hopefully all do, that we cannot begin to see inside another's mind, another's heart. We have to trust their words.

Sometimes, the words when spoken, when we hear them, they feel so right, the tone of voice, the inflection 'sounds' as if they mean it, but what if their actions do not back them up? What if the actions feel as if they are a direct contradiction to the words? Which do we believe?

We listen to their words, or, we read their words (if that love is expressed in such a way), but all we have are the words, unless they back them up with actions, actions that ring true. Those actions, are the only way to quell the uncertainties, and whether it is admitted by some or not, we all feel uncertainty in love.

Thus, proof we seek, by questioning, measuring. We measure their words and actions, against our own words and actions. We measure their words, against their actions. We measure their words and actions against previous love's words and actions. If words and actions do not match, we question, we question because we are afraid of being hurt, and we do not want to be hurt, we do not want to feel pain.

You know what?

It doesn't matter, we are still going to feel pain, we may think we can temper it, by our questioning, by telling ourselves we will hold back just a little, but in reality we are going to feel the pain of loss of love. Because, we love.

If that love ends, or is not shared, we move along in our lives, thinking, "I survived that one, it wasn't too hurtful, I protected myself, protected my heart from the total devastation I feared."

But the wound is there, it may be scarred over in our self-protective coating of it, but it is only a surface scarring. The pain will manifest itself, in one form or another. It may not occur until we allow ourselves to love another, but in that new love, we hold back even more (feeling the previous pain).

We are then worse off, because we cannot be completely honest within ourselves, or in giving completely to our new love. We are in a sense, partially walled off, in our need to protect ourselves. Sadly, this is when the games of love and protection against pain often begin. Our self-protective, Narcissistic selves take over.

"He/she did not give me what I needed, when I needed it, so they must not love me enough. I will hold even more of myself back, to protect me."


"He/she didn't do this for me, so I will show them how it feels, I will respond in kind. That will teach them how I feel."

We are so fearful of just saying,

"I don't understand, I am feeling a loss, I am feeling insecure, I love you, but no matter how difficult it is for me to tell you, I need to be shown that you love me too."

Because no matter how noble we may feel, in thinking that we can love, give love, and not have it returned. We want that love returned. It feels damn good to have that love returned by the one we love. We don't want to love from afar, we want to revel in a shared love.

Words, words and words of love, I have heard so many in my lifetime.

In thinking about all of this, I have come to the rather bizarre thought, that I can trust the words of love from a friend, much easier than I can trust the words of a lover. Of course, I do temper that thought, with the knowledge that the majority of my life, I have heard words, so many words, that do not match actions. In addition, in a friendship, no matter how vulnerable we make ourselves to that friend, there is a difference, there is not the strength of complete emotional and physical intimacy we share with a lover.


These thoughts of the uncertainty of love, bring me to.......the idea that........


In wanting someone to love us, we are searching for a certainty of self, we are searching for validation of ourselves, we are searching for that total and complete giving and receiving of intimacy. We are searching for an ease to dissatisfaction, and we are searching for the sublime pleasure an intimate love can give us, and that we can return in kind.

Yet, many of us, if we have loved before, and suffered for it, are not fully open to new love. We do not want to feel the pain. Because, deep down we know it will not be eased by them, we have to do that from within. We have to accept that someone else cannot do that for us. So, we set in self-protections; we question their love, we keep a part of ourselves set aside, not wanting to feel the pain of that not occurring.

Until quite recently, I had the theory, that at some point in my old age, I would find a contentment, a serenity, in finally 'knowing' who I am. I would be fully self-sufficient within myself, having intimate love would be wonderful, a bonus in my life, but that I would also be OK, without being loved by another, because I would have me.

A grand theory, but one that I now, do not believe will ever happen. We are just not made that way. Those of us that allow ourselves to awaken to the need to question our dissatisfactions with life, with ourselves, will never stop that questioning. With this new outlook on life, I also have realized that I do want to have shared love in my life, it isn't a bonus, it is a real need. It is much better to seek with someone, than alone. At several different points in my life, I will probably find myself alone, but I sincerely hope, that I will also end my life, with the knowledge that a part of my life was shared with a lover.......in a joyous seeking together.

With all of these wonderings of mine, on life, on love, I am beginning to dabble with the idea, that constant questioning, is the answer to truly living. For, in our questioning, we are also incorporating into our very "being" life itself. In the act of searching for answers, we have to acknowledge the joys, we have to acknowledge the pains, we have to feel them, we have to live them. There are no certainties, but, if we are awake to life, to fully living, to fully giving love, to fully receiving love, to all that encompasses, we just might, end our lives with some form of enlightenment. (I have no idea what kind, because I am not there yet.......so hopefully, I won't die today or tomorrow, because I still have a whole lot of questions!)

I truly wish to reach a point in my life, in which I can accept, just accept, that there are no certainties in love. We just love, we give our love to another, we demonstrate our love to them, in the only way we know how, sometimes it is enough, sometimes it isn't. Sometimes it is reciprocated in kind, sometimes it isn't. We have to accept, that loving someone else, and being loved must be enough on its own.

Sigh.......my dreams of a future self.......a self that can just accept.......be open to love, feel free to give love, feel free to receive love. Accept.

I am not there yet, I have much more learning to accomplish, I don't know how...... to just accept.......I still have expectations.........I have expectations that actions will match words.

That in itself seems so simple, yet it is the most complicated of all.

I have accepted that I will always be uncertain, always be seeking answers...........a start?

Memories of Love

"...the voice of love, the voice that in these moments of disarray she had forgotten existed, the voice of love, which caresses and soothes her but for which she is not quite ready: as if that voice were coming from far off, from too far off; she would need to hear it for a good long while to be capable of believing in it." ~Milan Kundera, Identity~

There was a time in my life when I could only look back upon a relationship gone horribly wrong, and only see the negative, only feel that pain. I wanted to hold onto the memories of what went wrong, because I didn't want to miss what I had once had.

I didn't want to remember what it felt like to feel I was loved for me, just me, accepted as who I was, and loved for who I was becoming. I didn't want to remember what it felt like to love someone else in the same way. I didn't want to remember what it felt like to need him, didn't want to remember how the feel of his arms surrounding me, could soothe me.

It seemed easier to deal with the pain of what went wrong, it was easier to let him go, let the love go. I also held onto the thought, that perhaps, I would learn something from revisiting all of the negatives, hoping I wouldn't make the same mistakes again. So, only the shattered thoughts, only the tears spilled, only the fears voiced and not taken away, only my broken heart was allowed to be remembered.

But time passes. I can remember the love, remember the moments, be mindful of them, learn from them. I need those memories as well. The memories no longer reopen the wound, there is just an ache for two souls who found, loved, lost, and hopefully.........learned.

There are beautiful memories, faded with time, but the memories are there; memories of being filled with a warm loving glow, of smiles of delight, of learning of and from each other, of explorations, of desires fulfilled, of knowing of what it felt like to......just........love........and revel in that love.

Flashes of memory......

The memory of a bouquet of summer flowers. Memories of being held so tightly I felt infused with his love. Memories of long quiet talks, sharing our thoughts on everything and nothing. Memories of beautiful silences. Memories of walking together, along forest paths, over city sidewalks and bridges. Memories of our eyes meeting, of feeling embraced by the love I saw there. Memories of play, laughter and smiles. Memories of splashing barefoot in a cold clear brook, of kisses that seemed to last as long as the sun dappled shadows formed by the trees, of warm sand sifting through my fingers, and filling his palm. Memories of the beauty of an enormous spring moon filling the windows of a North and East facing corner room, of his arms wrapped around me, of his chin resting on the top of my head, of his lips moving to caress the sides of my neck, as we gazed out in awe and wonder. Memories of the fulfillment of being loved and desired, over and over again. Memories of music and soft voices, champagne, raspberries, poetry, and fingertip caresses, the taste of chocolate melting in the most luscious of places and licking it off. Memories of waking up and reaching for each other, reveling in the moments.

Memories of rain sliding down car windows, desperate embraces of love and yearning.......saying goodbye.

Finally, finally, letting so much go, embracing the feelings these memories of love bring. Allowing the memories to remind me it is possible to love, to just love. Memories of loving and letting go, because sometimes, we love best by letting go. Memories that bring sadness, but also the knowledge that a broken heart can heal. Letting it all go, no more revisiting the past, moving on. Saying the final goodbye.

Time, time to allow myself to remember.

Hearts do heal, and love again.

Visions

Recently, I have been thinking about positive visualization, the concept of it. It is a much touted way to aid us in reaching our dreams, to seek successful accomplishment of tasks, and even attain physical healing.



The basic premise being, positive thoughts bring positive outcomes.

While meditating upon this idea, I suddenly remembered the movie, Field of Dreams. A 1989 Movie, starring Kevin Costner (playing the character, Ray Kinsella), loosely centering around the story of "Shoeless Joe Jackson" and, the "Black (White) Sox Eight", the baseball players who threw the World Series in 1919. (and no, I didn't remember all of that, I googled it of course)

*Digressing here, but another one of my recent thoughts; have you noticed how googling, or googled, has become a verb?*

Costner plays a struggling, ex-hippie, Iowa farmer, who hears an esoteric voice coming from his cornfield, telling him, "If you build it he will come."

Through out the film, many unusual requests are made of the Ray Kinsella character, to encourage him to complete the project. In this mystical process, a vision is born, and Kinsella's struggles to keep from losing his farm become even more dire. But, throughout it all, we have the sense, that all will come right in the end. And, it does.

As I was googling the information on the film, I came across a quote from the character, Terence Mann, played by James Earl Jones, (love that man's voice), and I remembered how it made me feel when I heard it in the film. It brought forth a welling of warm emotion, and engendered the idea, that yes, we can reach our dreams.

" Ray, people will come Ray. They'll come to Iowa for reasons they can't even fathom. They'll turn up your driveway not knowing for sure why they're doing it. They'll arrive at your door as innocent as children, longing for the past. Of course, we won't mind if you look around, you'll say. It's only $20 per person. They'll pass over the money without even thinking about it: for it is money they have and peace they lack. And they'll walk out to the bleachers; sit in shirtsleeves on a perfect afternoon. They'll find they have reserved seats somewhere along one of the baselines, where they sat when they were children and cheered their heroes. And they'll watch the game and it'll be as if they dipped themselves in magic waters. The memories will be so thick they'll have to brush them away from their faces. People will come, Ray. The one constant through all the years, Ray, has been baseball. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It has been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt and erased again. But baseball has marked the time. This field, this game: it's a part of our past, Ray. It reminds of us of all that once was good and it could be again. Oh... people will come Ray. People will most definitely come."

If you envision it, it will happen.

Do you believe that?

Is it true?

Over the years, we have all heard of the scientific studies done, on the use of visualizing one's self succeeding, or improving skills. Experiments detailing how the use of mental exercises, of envisioning success, of winning, can help athletes improve their performances. Of, ill people healing faster when they believe they will get better. Of, frightened, phobic people overcoming their fears. In essence, using imagery, the power of the mind, to see a future self, embracing and living a dream.

Does it work?

Haven't we all done it at one time or another?

Our thoughts do color our world.

When I am depressed, feeling blue, my whole life is affected, my interpersonal relationships, my job performance, my physical appearance, my demeanor, my health (feeling of well-being). I suffer more aches and pains, more colds, when my life is really stressed and my mental attitude is very low, even my skin is effected, I get skin rashes, hives, I often feel like a dried-husk of a person.

Converse of that, when I am feeling light-hearted, happy, full of good feelings, my entire life also reflects it. Those aches and pains, hardly bother me at all, my skin clears up amazingly fast, no more rashes, no more itchy hives, no more dry skin. My job performance improves, my thinking is clearer, my posture reverts to one of standing tall, head held high, more eye contact is made, my face is smiling, my interpersonal communications are upbeat, more concise, full of laughter, teasing, and jokes.


So why not take that one step further, if our thoughts, our emotions, shape our reality, then, why can we not, envision an even better reality?



Several years ago, I was suffering from an invasion of mutating cells within my body (smiling, that sounds so much better than the name of the illness), and, I faced having to take a medication that had side effects I thought of as worse than the illness itself, or major surgery. I informed my doctors, I wished to think on the matter for a while, I had the time, I was not going to get much worse if I waited.

In that period of contemplation concerning my options, I decided to use mental imagery, to aid me while waiting. I remembered the arcade game Pacman. So, in the evenings, before I went to sleep, I envisioned little animated Pacman-like characters busily eating away at those mutated cells. Each night, I would perform some deep-breathing, self-relaxation exercises, completely relaxing my body, achieving a light meditative state, and then I would set those little critters loose.

One month later, I returned to the doctor for some tests, to see if the cells had grown. They were gone, not a sign of them remained. A natural phenomenon? Or, the power of my mind, the power of visualization?

As I mentioned at the beginning of this entry, I have been contemplating the power of positive thinking, the idea of envisioning positive energy, and positive thoughts, of 'seeing' my dreams come true, and wondering if they truly would.

In recent months, weeks, and in those to come, I am, and will continue, to be going through some fairly rough times emotionally. Life is a mess. There are days, in which, I feel quite devastated by the rush of negative emotions that seem to overpower me. On the worst of days, the tsunami of negativity increases, dejection, insecurities, fears, sadness, tears, multiply.

In realizing how it was all affecting me, I came, once again, back to my ruminations of using visual imagery to aid me.

Thus, the past few days, when I have felt myself sinking low, and lower, I have attempted envisioning the future I hope for, the achievement of my goals, my dreams.

I cannot say, that it has had any long lasting effect, but, at the end of each exercise, I have felt much improved in my outlook on my life, in my mood, in my ability to achieve mental clarity of thought.

So, the experiment will continue, and the future will either prove the theory for me, and life will be truly amazing! Or, the experiment will fail, and I will have a really sucky life!

Purpose

Philosophical Statements

"The greatest truth is that which we choose to act upon"

"Meaning is created by human beings actions and interpretations"

"Humans define themselves in terms of whom they become as their individual lives are played out in response to the challenges posed by existence in the world."

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

A purpose for my life, a life of balance, is it predetermined, or an outgrowth of my own experiences? I cannot truly see it as predetermination. The experiences of living determine my direction, determine what I do, how I feel, how I express my need to be a human of good will. There are some days when I have a perfect knowledge of what that direction is, others leave me wondering.

* * * *

In my relationships with others, I have often used the phrase, or one similar to, "The purpose for my being a part of her/his life, is/was................."


We are drawn to certain people, in effect I think how we are drawn, and by whom, changes as we ourselves grow in experience, and in how we interpret our experiences, how we infuse our life experiences within our being.

I have always looked for the underlying reasons that may have helped form many of my relationships. As I examine the people I befriend, or those that befriend me, we all share at least some commonalities. Those closest to me, share several common beliefs, values, desires, experiences. Often those commonalities are quite obvious, at other times, very imponderable, when only looked at from the surface. It is only when an in depth analysis is done, that it becomes unequivocally clear to me (not always, but most of the time), why I choose to remain friends with someone who seems so very different from me. I then decide, we each have a purpose to be in the life of the other. There is experience, knowledge, growth, to be gleaned from the relationship. We serve each other.

* * * *

As I mentioned, we are drawn to people for a myriad of reasons, many times not even realizing the full extent as to why, we just are. We may find ourselves seeking these people out more and more, wishing to explore that attraction.

Even here in the blogging world, maybe even more so in the world of online meetings, we find kindred spirits, we read their words, and hope they are truly from their heart. After a time, we begin to truly sense the truths behind the words, especially if we are willing to take that next step, and begin more personal exchanges, we learn more and more of them. I have met many people online, initially through the forum of a chat room, and later through blogging. Of those, there are only a handful of people that I can truly say have become kindred spirits, who have touched my soul, who have given me the gifts of their experiences, and of whom I can gift them back with my own. We serve each other, in friendship, acceptance, and love. We have a purpose for being in each other's lives.

In my life away from the computer, in face to face life, it is often more difficult to break through the boundaries I impose upon myself when meeting new people. I have to be truly fascinated by "that something" that entices me in, that sense I have about someone that keeps me trying to know more. Once that occurs the boundaries are sometimes dropped immediately, we "get" each other, we share our stories, our triumphs, our worries, our dreams, our experiences, we begin to serve each other. We each have a purpose for being in the friendship.

In one of my face to face friendships, it took me several years to understand that we served a purpose in knowing each other. Our philosophy of life is vastly different, our views on most any subject, very different. I am liberal, open-minded, a rule bender, I see the shades of gray in life. She is conservative, close-minded on many subjects, she sees rules most often only in black and white. She is also quite superficial in the way she lives, objects denote her worth, attention denotes her worth, the more attention she receives the 'better' she must be. But under all the superficiality, under all of her bravado, under all of her "social butterfly" exterior, lies a very tortured soul, one that exhibits itself in destructive ways, most often aimed at others. But, from knowing her, observing her, hearing about her life experiences, I have benefited. Knowing her has taught me to be even more accepting of all personalities, to search deeper for meaning behind the actions of others. Her purpose for being in my life?

What was my purpose in her life? One day, as I questioned why I continued to keep her in my life, I realized, that there was some essence of my personality that "got through" to her. I could tell her, how her actions made me feel, question her about why she behaved so harmfully to others, make statements regarding the very hurtfulness of those actions, and even make suggestions on other less harmful ways of determining the same outcome.

She has always accepted my words for what they are, as they are, they are not intended to be judgmental, nor intended to change her, they are spoken out of caring, (Okay, in all honesty, I, do sometimes, hope she will learn from, and possibly try to change a few of her more damaging actions and reactions, by hearing my wisdom and insight ~ehrmm .....laughter is allowed here~).

She doesn't shut me out, she doesn't blow me off, she listens, she reflects upon what I have to say, she often internalizes, and in turn asks me questions. She trusts my experiences of life, to guide me in what I say. In the end, even with our vastly different viewpoints, we gain wisdom from the other. As difficult as it was for me to see, we do share some commonalities between us. Early on, I knew there was something about her that struck a chord within me. We just exhibit our scars in different ways.

* * * *

We each have life experiences to share, it is how we interpret them, and use them that define us. In the sharing of ourselves, we add meaning, we learn, we grow, and we sometimes teach.

Truthfully, that is what I want my life purpose to be, by living, by loving, by being open to all the possibilities that giving, relating, and experiencing offers.

During my existence on this world, I continually hope that with each day of living, I can find the right and true way to just be the best me I can be, to live a life that is meaningful to me, one that is centered and feels balanced.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

"We should stay nestled in the present, and not run away to the past or the future."

I Thought I Lost It

I had a rather melancholy moment today, OK, been having many of those moments in recent days....as if my blog postings haven't reflected that.

But, today, it was so much worse. I realized something terrible had happened.

I couldn't find my silly side, it didn't matter what I was doing, I couldn't find that little bit of me that is almost always amused or bemused by the things, and/or people I observe. It was rather disheartening.

I felt blah, totally and completely blah. Blah is bad.

A friend called, noticing my total blahness, a bit hard to miss, since my voice was practically expressionless, he tried to cheer me up, (at least I think he was trying to cheer me up), by imparting the following piece of wisdom:

"Life is just moments. Moments of joy, moments of sadness, moments of angst, moments of bliss, moments of confusion, moments of clarity. Life is full of moments, enjoy the nice ones, and remember, the not so great ones will soon pass."

I sighed, and told him, "That's a really great philosophy, and one I believe, but it isn't helping. I just want to see the amusing side of life again. I miss that part of me." I sighed again, a long drawn out, woe is me, sigh. That pretty much ended the conversation. I could tell he was bewildered, knowing I was not in the mood to be cheered up. I just wanted my silly back.

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This evening, was a family celebration, my son's birthday. So, we did the family dinner out, not an easy thing to do at this particular stage in our lives. But once we got through the initial awkwardness of being out to dinner together, and were home for birthday cake, and the gift giving, something happened that made me realize where most of my lighter side comes from.

My son was reading through one of his gifts (A Japanese Cookbook), and I was telling him of the really great one I hadn't purchased, even though it was quite well written, but it didn't have photographs of the finished product, or the ingredients, and I knew he would want one that did.

Anyway, it contained an interesting article on the history of Sushi. As I was explaining the story, (which I had already forgotten half of....sigh), my silly came back, for the life of me I couldn't remember the Japanese word for the seaweed used on sushi. I called it Nemo, for some unknown to me reason, this had him guffawing with laughter.

"Why are you laughing? What? Did I pronounce it wrong?" It took me a moment......well duh!.....Nemo is a fish...the fish with the bad memory is Dory, (my kids called me Dory for a while after the movie came out), and the seaweed is called Nori....which is probably why I called the seaweed Nemo in the first place. I started laughing too.

My discovery about me? When I am able to laugh at myself, I can see the amusing side of life again, so simple, just being able to laugh at myself.

Me being me, I had to google, Nemo Sushi.....and there it was! There are other people in the world who think like me! Who knew?

Dreaming of the Summer Sun

You may be able to help me. As always, when I need advice or counsel I turn to my friends. I do this because I know you will always be candid and honest with me. I need your opinion on something that has been bothering me for some time now. I am counting on you so please don't let our friendship influence your answer. Thanks in advance!




Does this bikini make my butt look too big???


















"BLESSED ARE THE CRACKED, FOR THEY ARE THE ONES WHO LET IN THE LIGHT! "

Just sharing a smile, that was sent to me earlier today!

A Day of Lows/Highs and Gratitude

Today was one of those days, internally I was a mass of confusion, my personal life has taken turns I had not expected it to take so soon, 4 days ago, I thought I would be dealing with the disappointment of having to delay my plans, my path still unsure. Yet, within just a few days, events have moved faster than I imagined, path still unsure, but there is movement. Luckily, today, I was able to function professionally, which was good, there were a few days last week, when that was nigh impossible.

Work was good because I was busy, very busy, but there was sadness also, there always is the first of each month. So many people seeking financial assistance......not enough money to pay their rent, not enough money to buy food.

So many young families, barely making it. One young mother called today, her husband brings home $400.00 a week, their rent is $850.00, their car payment $225.00, 4 children ages 5, 3, 2, and 5 months, with another on the way. They are on public assistance, with a plan to be off in one year's time. She was $100.00 short for her rent payment, and had no money for food. All I could do was give her a list of phone numbers and the addresses of food banks, and charitable organizations. I heard at least 5 similar stories today, so many homeless, or on their way to being homeless, only so many shelter slots available, only so much money out there to aid them. So many young mothers, with no where to turn. Another young mother who had used up all the time she was allowed at the domestic violence shelter, and now had to find an apartment for herself and her 3 young children. Another 21 year old HIV patient, 7 months pregnant, and homeless. I wish I knew the answers, I wish I knew how to make it end. We use the Homeward Bound Walks to raise money for the nonprofits who proffer aid, but it is never enough, nor will it ever be enough. And there are just enough people out there defrauding the welfare system, that those who really need help, are treated as if they are criminals, just for being poor, treated as if they are lazy, and have chosen a life of ease. A life of ease? Scrabbling everyday to find enough food to put on the table, to have a fairly decent and safe home for their children.

When I asked the mother of 4, if she had checked into the subsidized housing market, she stated that those places were not the type of environment she wished raise her children in, and I could understand how she felt. If an apartment complex has its own satellite police station, and still has the highest violence statistics in the city, one does wonder.

Aside from the poor in dollars, I also had calls from the poor in health insurance, those who are middle-aged, too ill to work, but not sick enough to qualify for disability, not old enough for medicare, not enough money to pay for state emergency health insurance. Where do they turn? It is frightening

There are some who say, "Why are they having so many children? Haven't they heard of birth control?" What the people who have that attitude may not understand, is that many times, it is the loss of a good paying job, that brought them to the low point in their lives. Or, an unexpected debilitating illness. Yes, sometimes it is just making poor choices, but we have all made poor choices. My hope for these who are receiving the help they need now, is that when they feel more secure in their lives (if that ever happens), that they will in turn help someone else who finds themselves in similar straits.

So many times, I have tried to imagine a future in which I myself could be in their place. It really makes one appreciate family, makes one appreciate friends, appreciate good health, appreciate having a decent job, with benefits available.

These calls are saddening, but they do help me keep my own life in focus, help me realize that no matter how awful my life at this moment may seem, I have options open to me, that they do not. That I will get through all of this inner and outer turmoil. It also has made me realize what a wonderful support system I have, I hope I have been able to let my friends and loved ones know how very much I appreciate the strength they lend me. It truly is a gift.

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There have been some moments filled with laughter today, my daughter is home from her trip to Europe, she is full of stories, funny stories, brave stories, making new friends stories, and best of all, stories that demonstrate how a good many people touched her heart.

Although at this point I am also still hearing her vacillate between being extremely happy to be home, and saying that she hopes to never see/hear/or board another plane for a good long time!

To hear her describe her sense of awe at viewing Michaelangelo's David is truly amazing. She said she wanted to stay there for hours, that she fervently wished for a sketchpad and charcoal, to try to capture the emotion on the Statue's face. She fell in love with Florence, and wants to return......my hope is that she does, often. Most importantly, her desire to study art has grown, of that I am very grateful.

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A quote from today's Daily OM

On Communication

" When we are in a relationship where we feel listened to and understood, we count ourselves lucky because we know how rare that experience is. We reserve our most intimate selves for the people who, along with us, cocreate an open space where we feel free to express ourselves and listen without judgment. These relationships, which thrive on open communication, can mean the difference between existential loneliness and a deep sense of belonging. We all long to feel heard, understood, and loved, and clear communication makes this possible."

For the first time in many years, I have people in my life, relationships, that I feel free to express "me" in, I am so very grateful for the gift of them, to them. I hope that those same people feel such freedom with me.