Who Is This Woman?

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Recently I took an online relationship/personality profile test.

The final analysis surprised me in some ways...in others it seemed right on target.

I dunno, something to think on...

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Agreeableness: Taking Care of Others, or Taking Care of Yourself

You Are Best Described As:

• Usually taking care of others.

Words That Describe You:

Understanding Unquestioning Humane

Selfless Gentle Kindhearted

Gullible Indulgent

How You Interact With Others:

Here's one important truth about you: you have a tender heart. Yes, you know that others need to learn to take care of themselves. Yes, you know they need to accept the consequences of their foolish or bad behavior. And sometimes, even when your instinct is to help them, you will let them fend for themselves and let them suffer the consequences of their choices or circumstances.

But most of the time you are there to help when they need you. If they are in trouble, you offer compassion and go out of your way to be helpful. If they need someone who will listen, you are trustworthy and sympathetic. And you are direct with them; when they need advice or counsel, you offer it in a straightforward, direct manner, without beating around the bush.

You're also smart enough to know that you cannot take good care of others if you fail to take good care of yourself, so you listen to your own wants and needs. If you've run out of sympathetic energy, you spend time restoring yourself. If you've ignored your own pain or frustration, you find a friend who will listen well, or go into your own private healing place and give yourself permission to focus on you.

But before long, you're back at it with your friends, offering a sympathetic ear and compassion on which they learn to trust, also giving straightforward advice and counsel when they ask for it. You do know how to take care of yourself, but your genuine interest is in taking care of others.


Negative Reactions Others May Have About You:

Selfish people might be embarrassed by you. While they're using their time and energy almost exclusively on themselves, they see you giving time to others, and your kindness puts them in a bad light.

Maybe they'll think you're a phony, that you use your altruism to get others indebted to you so they'll then owe you a favor. Or perhaps they'll accuse you, directly or behind your back, of focusing on the needs of others so no one ever focuses on your foibles or your genuine wounds.

All of these are false accusations; yours is a genuine compassion, because you truly have a tender heart. One criticism might be more substantial, though. People might notice when you let things get out of balance and spend so much time responding to others that you neglect your own needs.

Perhaps it's true to some extent that you are more comfortable when the focus is on someone else's needs than when you and your needs are front and center, and this may be a criticism worth paying attention to.


Positive Responses Others May Have Towards You:


Positive responses to you are likely to far outweigh negative responses. For many people, your genuine kindness will be an example of a way to treat others and a way we want others to treat us. They will see in you the traits of compassion and sympathy which they might want to focus on in the development of their own character.

For those people you help you will be the friend they need, there at the right moment to help them when they've stepped into yet another thicket of pain or confusion. They will be grateful for your listening, for your straight talk when they need straight talk more than anything, and for the hand you extend so they can find their way, with your help, out of whatever tangle they've gotten themselves into.



Openness Dimension: Curious or Contented

You Are Best Described As:

• Sometimes curious, sometimes content.

Words That Describe You:

Accepting Flexible Educated

Self-aware Middle-of-the-road Proper

Distinctive Indecisive Adaptable

A General Description of How You Approach New Information and Experiences:

Like someone who can sleep comfortably on either side of the bed, you are equally at home with ideas and beliefs that you have held for a long time and with new ways of thinking and believing that grow out of your intellectual curiosity.

Your sense of who you are and what your place is in the world around you rests on values and principles that are the solid ground you walk upon. You've tested them, they work for you, and much of the time you are content to trust them, that is, until some provocative new idea slips in from a conversation, book or some flight of your active imagination. "Hmmmm. What's this. Never thought of it before." And off you go, exploring.

Since you love to learn, you've always been teachable; you absorb new information, which means you are well-educated in things that matter to you. Sometimes your intellectual exploring will lead you back to where you started; the "next new thing" proves too shallow or impractical to you. But once in a while a new idea or belief will dislodge you from the ground you've stood upon; it is so compelling and persuasive that you step away from the tried-and-true and embrace this notion that is brand new to you.

Because you hold both solid beliefs and are open to new ideas, you are accepting of other people and other ways of thinking and believing. You are flexible enough to listen to something new and different, or something outside of your comfort zone; if it works for you, you'll take it in, and if not, you'll let it go. In this sense, you know who you are: you are neither closed-minded nor wildly open-minded, but walk somewhere near the middle of the intellectual road.


Negative Reactions Others May Have Toward Your Style of Thinking:

Not everyone will be thrilled by your flexible, middle-of-the-road ways of thinking and believing. A few people are so taken with flights of imagination into whatever is new that they might find your commitment to long-standing values and beliefs too confining, if not too boring. Oh well; so be it. They'll just have to be in free-flight without you.

Others are content with the ideas that have served them and their culture well; they're not excited by the prospect of moving on. And some people are afraid of new ways of thinking because they are somewhat fragile; they have trouble maintaining their current worlds and don't want someone like you, for instance pushing out the edges of their intellectual cosmos. So don't be surprised if your solid values sometimes make people distrust you as an explorer, or if your flexible and open mind sometimes gets you criticized by people who walk away from the very same explorations that you find refreshing.


Positive Responses Others May Have Toward You:

Many others will find you trustworthy and therefore an attractive companion on the intellectual journey. They will appreciate the combination in you of open-mindedness and a commitment to the tried-and-true. In an intellectual climate sometimes dominated by the extremes of either wild innovation or dug-in traditionalism, your moderate views and your proper acceptance of a wide range of possibilities will be a distinctive and refreshing quality. Because you join your curiosity to strong foundational ideas and beliefs and practical solutions to problems, people will trust your occasional explorations into new territories to be reliable, and not "something new for newness sake".

You are accepting of others, flexible in your own intellectual commitments, well-informed in areas that matter to you, and comfortably aware of who you are and where you stand. This combination will make you a desirable companion on the intellectual journey for many, many people.


Emotional Stability: Steady or Responsive

On Emotional Stability you are:

• Steady

Words that describe you:

Relaxed Even Unwavering

Constant Certain Together

Cool Detached Tranquil

A General Description of Your Reactivity:

When emotions get topsy-turvy, most of the time you keep your feet on solid ground. When some of your friends lose control of their feelings, you are able to stay relaxed and even. It's not that you're cold-hearted or without feelings. On the contrary; you can be fun-loving. You hurt when a friend is in pain or is in trouble.

You might cry occasionally at a movie, or when watching a particularly touching story on the evening news. But in moments of emotional pleasure, or when troubling feelings rise up within you or around you, you keep yourself together.

Here's a fundamental truth about you: when it comes to your emotional world, you are certain and constant, not flapping around and out of control. It's a good thing because life will come at you, as it comes at all of us, with emotional surprises. We all hit hard times, or get caught off guard, or feel a sudden swell of fear or joy or anger or sadness.

Once in a while you'll get caught up in the feelings of one of these moments. You get silly, maybe too silly, with your friends. You wake up in the dark, or run into dark thoughts, and find yourself afraid of . . . of something, though you're not quite sure of what. The sadness around you creeps inside you and you feel "down" for a while, but you push your way through it. "Think", you say to yourself. "Stay calm, and figure out a way to cope". Soon, you're relaxed and together again, your feet are once more on solid ground, and your emotions are under control.


Negative Reactions Others May Have Toward You:

"How do you stay so calm in this emotional storm. Don't you feel anything?" Some of your friends might find you too controlled, as if you don't feel things as deeply as they do.

Your ability to stay so unflappable while they're coming apart at the seams could lead them to believe you just don't care enough, either about your own emotional world or about the pain or pleasure they're so caught up in. This might lead them to exclude you from those seasons of their lives when their feelings are deep and they need to surround themselves with people they believe will understand the turmoil they're in. They won't think of you as such a person, so they won't let you in on their emotional whirl.


Positive Responses Others May Have Toward You:

The opposite may be true as well. When some of your friends can't contain their emotions they might turn to you as the steady rock, the stable one, the person who will remain composed and help talk and think them through their turmoil. You're just what they need, their calm, cool and collected friend, when their emotional world is falling apart.

Also, people who are as calm and secure as you and who, like you, are emotionally composed most of the time, will find you a friend they are comfortable with. They know that when the world goes upside down, and for everyone the world will occasionally stand on its head, you will be there, as secure and unflappable as they are, and are therefore a trustworthy companion through any emotional turmoil.


Conscientiousness: Focused or Flexible


Your approach toward your obligations is:

• Flexible

Words that describe you:

Spontaneous Intuitive Perceptive

Natural Somewhat Disorganized Unpredictable At Times

A General Description of How You Interact with Others:

When there's a job to be done, like most people you want to know what the goal is and when it's to be completed. For you, that's a start. Next you want to know what the plan is to get to the goal. So you lay out a plan, or at least the major points of a plan: "Organize the kitchen sometime this spring" or "Get the project at work done as soon as possible." You don't need an in-depth specification of every little detail; in fact you prefer not to work that way. You lay out your goals, develop a general plan, and then you get things done.

You believe in intuition as well as organization. As such, you trust impulses as much as strategies and you value spontaneity as much as you do efficiency. In a word, you like to keep it flexible. When you set out to accomplish a task, you prefer to have some room to maneuver. Like an artist, you find that the best way to reach a goal is not always in a straight line. Some of the most productive times for you are the unplanned moments of inspiration and creativity that just come to you. While you do keep to a general plan, those times of pure vision and originality are what really drive you.

Some of the people who rely completely on an organized approach to getting things done may be surprised at your efficiency. But there is a definite method to your approach. With a creative flair that others may not have anticipated, the original plan gets met and there are often a few extra accomplishments along the way. Your comfort zone starts with a task and a plan but it also requires the freedom to be able to go with your instincts and impulses so that you can not just accomplish the task, you also have the option to explore something brand new along the way.


Negative Reactions Others May Have Toward You:

People may have problems with your style for two reasons. First, you don't always follow the rules or go along with detailed plans, whether at work or at home. Those who need the details to stay on task just don't quite understand how you are going to get it all done. Second, while you get things done - the way you veer off course at times and use your creativity may leave others wondering what went on. Some people find all this creativity and thinking "out-of-the-box" at odds with their desire to follow a clear course. And this causes not only some confusion it may also spark some anger toward you at times. Even you would likely admit that living and working with you takes someone who is able to let you do your thing at times. If someone is really tied to a rigid approach to how things should get done, there is clearly the potential for some conflict with you.

Every workplace and home does need a modicum of reliability and a decent amount or order and organization if it is to accommodate the mix of people who work or live there. That leads to a serious question for you: Are there times when your creative, though at times unpredictable, style keeps others off balance? Are there some plans that should be sacred, some space always well organized, some charts left as designed? Are there are some things you could change that would allow those who live and work with you to feel more in control; changes that wouldn't impinge on your creative processes? If others are finding your style to be difficult to deal with you may want to consider how you can all work together most efficiently.


Positive Responses Others May Have Toward You:

The truth is that your work style gets things done, often with more beauty, fun, creativity and imagination than others could ever manage. But your style is very unique to you. Flexibility is essential to your style. With your creativity and flexibility the path you take to any goal can make everyone's accomplishments more inventive and enjoyable. Bringing some extra enjoyment to people's work can be a real asset; one you may want to use more consciously.

Deep down inside there's also another truth you should consider. A lot of people wish they had some of whatever it is that you've got. They get so bogged down reading the committee notes or checking the project calendar that they seldom just cut loose and let their impulses run. They neglect their intuition to the point that it barely whispers - that is, until you come along with yours shouting out loud and remind everyone in the room that there's something to listen to besides the original plan and the orderly, organized path laid out to get there. So not only do you enhance the accomplishments of the group, you also enhance the lives of each member willing to find in themselves the spontaneity that is your trademark personal characteristic.


Extroversion: Outgoing or Reserved

When it comes to Extroversion you are:

• Outgoing

Words that describe you:

Friendly Gregarious Full of Life

Unreserved Kindhearted Talkative

Emotional Spontaneous Vigorous

A General Description of How You Interact with Others:

People light you up. In conversations, planning meetings or almost any social situation, you bring your energy and your friendly, outgoing personality into these engagements with other people, and you come away pumped up. You can hardly wait for the next event, as long as other people will be there. And you're good at it.

You know how to communicate. You listen well, the first rule of good communication, and then, when it's your turn, you talk vigorously and with animation; in your uninhibited way you give all that you've got to the encounter.

In situations where you feel very safe, when you know and trust the people you're with, you can be very kindhearted and unrestrained. You let your affection for and pleasure in being with others flow freely. You're wide open And when you get back this same kind of unrestrained warmth, you are deeply satisfied. Because you are so friendly and full of life, these are among your favorite moments.


Negative Reactions Others May Have Toward You:

As much as you like being with other people, not everyone will like being with you. Hard to believe, but your gregarious and warm manner is not everyone's cup of tea. Some people are more cautious than you in personal encounters; others think the work place should be more formal, more impersonal than is comfortable for you. Still others, who may want more of the spotlight, will find you too much to compete with once you get your lively and outgoing self in motion.

Here's another word of caution. You've been at this warm and open way of relating for a while, but for some people it's a brand new experience. They may be protecting something inside themselves, some fear or guilt or shame, or some private part of their story that they're not yet ready to share. Your openness might threaten them, and they'll take a step back and be reluctant the next time to engage you in the kind of exchange you find so easy and satisfying but they find so dangerous.


Positive Responses Others May Have Toward You:

Many people, most probably, will be glad to be in the room you're in. At work you make the environment livelier and the banter more interesting, so the time moves swiftly and the experience is a happier one. At home you keep everyone connected because you engage each of them in the conversational action, and as a result they are more connected as well with one another. You make home a warmer and more interesting place for everyone who lives there.

You might also be helpful to some people. There are those who need to talk but aren't very good at it. They don't know how to begin the kind of conversation that would allow them to share whatever is in their personal stories that they'd like or need to talk about. You could make that easier for them with your way with words. Some people just need an example and a little encouragement to come out of their shell and get into the greater fun and personal connectedness that will make their lives so much more satisfying. Again, you might be just the right person to make that happen for them.

So almost everyone will be glad to be with you, you make life more interesting for those you live and work with, and you could help some of your friends who need just a little encouragement to open up and find in themselves the kinds of energetic and warm connections that you thrive on. Not that you are a pushover; in fact, you are often quite assertive. In taking care of yourself you also make sure that others are engaged and energized.

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I kind of like this woman...I hope I become her.

I think I am going to show this to my boss...see who she thinks it describes.

Free at Last?

Four nights ago, around 9:30 in the evening, I was walking along one of my favorite parts of the city near me. Enjoying the crisp cold air, the evening sky, and the reflection of the city lights shimmering on the water below the bridge I was standing on, when I became the target of what I am now ready to believe was a teen-age/college-age prank.

One that was frightening nonetheless. As I was leaning against the railing, lost in thought, I was grabbed from behind, pressed up against, and a few...lewd words were whispered in my ear. My immediate reaction surprised me, as well as the jokester....because I shouted something along the lines of "WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING!!!!" Which caused him to run away.

I stood there, frozen for what seemed an eternity...ready to dial 911, but my fingers/mind couldn't seem to do it...it didn't seem quite real at the time...and as I began to process information again, I rationalized the incident by
thinking of it as some sort of sick joke or dare, as I was in a very public place, in an area that is always filled with young people. Although due to the cold, I had thought I was alone on the bridge.

Anyway, I pushed it out of mind, or so I thought. Until I tried to sleep that night. I couldn't, all the could'ves ran through my mind. I began to cry...and cry...and cry. I remember finally drifting off in the wee hours of the morning. Waking up...and dealing with the multitudes of activities that needed to be accomplished on Sunday morning...I had surprise house guests (friends of Miss Daughter), as well as puppies to get ready for adoption, (we have given away 3, with 2 more on the most wanted list...Hooray!). So, again, I didn't allow any negative thoughts to hinder me, until sundown. Again, the tears began to well up and overflow. I didn't understand why I felt so traumatized. Nothing happened.

I also became ill with a touch of the flu bug I am guessing, and maybe a lot of stress, and ended up staying home on Monday, again a day filled with tears, so many tears. I couldn't understand where the tears were coming from.

I had not been injured...frightened yes, but no injuries, no trauma. I was fine.

Then I realized what was really going on in my brain. All of these years and years I have been filled with feelings...feelings of inadequacy, feelings of fear, feeling that I would never ever attain even the smallest of my dreams.

Saturday taught me a lesson. Safety is only in our mind. Fear is only in our mind.

As each hour passed, I realized, the two biggest fears I have been dealing with in recent months...financial insecurity, and the fear of not going for my dreams when I am free of this marriage, free of the major responsibility of motherhood...were holding me back as much as I had allowed all of my other past fears to.

I then held a conversation with me.

Asking myself the questions I needed answers to.

* * * *

"What is the worse thing that can happen if I find myself poor and alone at age 70, 75, 80?"

"I live a life of discomfort."

"And, then? What?"

"If I am that unhappy, who says I have to keep living? If I am so poor, and unhealthy I hate my life...who says I have to continue with it?"

"End your life? You think you could/would really do that? Just because you didn't like your life?"

"Only if there seemed to be no other choice, only if I were unable to find joy in the small things. But it isn't really about suicide in old age...it is about realizing that it doesn't really matter. It is a silly fear. Not the financially secure thing...of course that is important...but there are no guarantees in life...so why not just do what I can to attempt to insure I will have what I need, and stop the damn worrying!"

* * * *

The fear will take a while to completely disappear, but it is definitely a ghost of its old self.

I moved on to fear number two.

* * * *

"Why do you think you will stay stagnant, and not follow up on your dreams?"

"The financial security thing was a part of it...but aside from that...I don't know...hmm.
Why don't I think I will follow my dreams?

Because I never have."

"So, I had responsibilities, I thought our marriage was important, I thought Soon-to-be-ex would be a part of some of those dreams. Admit it, I really believed for the longest time that he would take part, that we would explore some things together. I had a dream for the two of us, that took a really long time to let go of."

"I did, but when I realized that wasn't going to happen, aside from the other stuff, I gave up that dream."

"That doesn't mean I have to give up on MY dreams. Does it? What am I really afraid of?"

"Me."

* * * *

An epiphany of sorts...it started a process...a process I have been holding off on because I kept thinking I couldn't even make tentative plans until the divorce was final.

But I can, and I have started the process. I don't know where I will be in six months time...but I have begun...I have sent out a few job feelers. I have begun the process of exploring graduate school options, I have my passport application filled out, and ready to turn in on Monday of next week.

The tears were months and months worth of emotions held in check. The tears were years and years worth of fear that I wouldn't be able to live up to my own expectations.

So even though, a young man for what ever reason chose me to frighten. I have to thank him for allowing me to realize I am free.

I am free to make choices for me.

An Open Heart

Map of the World


One of the ancient maps of the world
is heart-shaped, carefully drawn
and once washed with bright colors,
though the colors have faded
as you might expect feelings to fade
from a fragile old heart, the brown map
of a life. But feeling is indelible,
and longing infinite, a starburst compass
pointing in all the directions
two lovers might go, a fresh breeze
swelling their sails, the future uncharted,
still far from the edge
where the sea pours into the stars.

* * * * * * *

Pocket Poem

If this comes creased and creased again and soiled
as if I'd opened it a thousand times
to see if what I'd written here was right,
it's all because I looked too long for you
to put in your pocket. Midnight says
the little gifts of loneliness come wrapped
by nervous fingers. What I wanted this
to say was that I want to be so close
that when you find it, it is warm from me.


From Valentines, by Ted Kooser


*******


From my heart to yours, Happy Valentine's Day

WHAT Has Happened to Our World?!?!

Miss Daughter has been away the past few days staying with her father. We had a very nice chat when she returned home tonight, we caught each other up on the happenings in each of our lives over the past few days,and played with the puppies (she played with them, I cleaned up the poopy mess in their little den...ick! Double ick! Why can't puppies wear diapers? I know, I know...all of that fur! I couldn't ask her to. She cleans up after cattle...and in my book, I much prefer the puppies.)

Anyway, as we were winding up our chat, she told me she watched something called the BME Pain Awards while visiting her father. The $50,000.00 Grand Prize Winner, only had to take a hatchet to himself, and chop off his testicles and penis! I have linked it for you if you care to watch. This is one of the very rare times, I am actually happy I am on dial-up and am unable to view the video myself.

I was in shock! How could anyone, for any amount of money, (fame?), castrate himself?

How? Why?

I asked Miss Daughter the same question. Her reply to me...had me in shock again!

"I would cut off my pinkie finger for someone if they offered me a million dollars. But, they would have to use anesthetic, I wouldn't do it for the pain."

"What!" "No way, you wouldn't?!"

"Mom, think about it. What do we need it for? It's not an important finger, it's not the wedding band finger. We don't need it to drink anything with, think of all those cup of tea drinking scenes, the pinkie is always sticking out anyway. You wouldn't do it?"

"No, I don't think I would, no." "Wait, you need your pinkie, think about when you're drawing. You need it to balance your hand as you use the pencil, or charcoal."

"I use my right hand, I would only allow them the left. No way could they have my right one!"

I was flabbergasted, still am.

Would she?

Would you? Would you allow someone to amputate a piece of your body for one million dollars?

Take Me Home With You

New Addiction

I've been feeling blah for days, going through some physical stuff I was hoping was over with, in fact I now may face surgery...not in my current plans...but one option. There hasn't really been anything of note that could get my mind off of my little difficulty, until tonight. A television show of all things did it.

I have often told various friends I haven't really missed television since I moved out here, satellite is just not in my budget at the moment, or the next several months either. But, tonight Miss Daughter brought home Season Two of the Showtime program Weeds. I love it! Its smart, the writing is brilliant, so off the cuff funny, the music score is perfect, all making up a program I will now need to see Seasons one and three of.




This following little scene had me rolling, and I will never look at bananas the same way again!

Andy Botwin: [to 11 year old Shane about masturbation] Alright, listen closely. I'm not going to beat around the bush. Ha ha ha. Your little body's changing - it's all good, believe me. Problem now is... every time we jerk the gerkin, we get a lot of unwanted sticky white stuff everywhere, right? Right. So... First order of business - no more socks. They're expensive, gumming up the works plumming-wise. Now you might be thinking to yourself, "But, Uncle Andy, what do I do with all that pearl jam if I can't spew it into Mr. Sock?" Glad you asked... You can have a lovely time tugging the tiger in the shower each morning - that eliminates the need for a goo glove. But, the day is long, masturbation's fun, so unless we want to take 4 or 5 showers every day, we're gonna need some other options. So let's start with the basics. Tissues. Perfectly acceptable backstop for all that Creamy Italian. They can be rough and dry on such soft, sensitive skin and it can stick to your dick head like a fuckin' band-aid - ouch. From there we move on to more lubricated flack-catchers - specificially, bananas. Step one: Peel the banana. Step two: Slip the peel over your Randy Johnson and start pitching. Now for extra credit, warm up the peel in the microwave. Not too hot! Serious yowza. Also, olive oil, moisturizer, honey, spit, butter, hair conditioner, and Vaseline can all be used for lube. In my opinion, the best lube... is lube. So save your allowance and invest in some soon. Alright, moving on - when you tug your Thomas on the toilet - ffft - shoot right into the bowl. In bed - soft t-shirt, perhaps a downy hand towel of your very own that you don't mind tossing after tossing. There's no such thing as polishing the raised scepter of love too much. It reduces stress, it enhances immune function. Also, practice makes perfect. So work on your control now, while you're a solo artist - you'll be playing some long, happy duets in the future. Ok - class dismissed.
[Shane gets up to walk away]

Andy Botwin: Hey!
[tosses Shane a banana]

Andy Botwin: . Homework.

If you haven't seen this show, you gotta! (even though it is 3 years old, somebody besides me might've missed it)

For This is Life

Sarojini Naidu

CHILDREN, ye have not lived, to you it seems
Life is a lovely stalactite of dreams,
Or carnival of careless joys that leap
About your hearts like billows on the deep
In flames of amber and of amethyst.

Children, ye have not lived, ye but exist
Till some resistless hour shall rise and move
Your hearts to wake and hunger after love,
And thirst with passionate longing for the things
That burn your brows with blood-red sufferings.

Till ye have battled with great grief and fears,
And borne the conflict of dream-shattering years,
Wounded with fierce desire and worn with strife,
Children, ye have not lived: for this is life.

Love, The Loss of Love, and Self-Confession

Friday was Soon-to-be-Ex's Birthday. On Saturday he celebrated that birthday, with family and friends.

His family, our children, and our friends.

The only one missing was me.

This sent me into a tailspin of memories, of lost dreams, and finally, maybe, into the reality of our life together and the reality of our lives apart.

*******

"Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings." ~ Anais Nin~

*******

Destructive Words:

Ten years ago, 18 years into our marriage, I was told by Soon-to-be-Ex that if I was not planning to be his wife forever, I should get out then, to stop wasting his time, before it was too late.

Is it...in a long term relationship? Time wasted? Is not any time spent...especially time hoping to save it...is that wasting our time, our life?

I didn't see it that way then, and I still don't, he may, I don't know. I haven't ask. Maybe, I am afraid to hear his answer.

* * * * * * *

"When two people meet and fall in love, there's a sudden rush of magic. Magic is just naturally present then. We tend to feed on that gratuitous magic without striving to make any more. One day we wake up and find that the magic is gone. We hustle to get it back, but by then it's usually too late, we've used it up. What we have to do is work like hell at making additional magic right from the start. It's hard work, but if we can remember to do it, we greatly improve our chances of making love stay." ~Tim Robbins~

* * * * * * *

Uncomfortable Truths:

I used to get so angry with my mother when she recreated, what I viewed as, our mutual reality to fit her own sanitized version.

I have come to the realization, that unknowingly, or at least unconsciously, I may have done the same.

Maybe it was a necessity, there was no other way I could function in my world if I did not. It hurt too much. If I did not give and feel my love fully, completely, then the loss of the one love in my life that was supposed to last forever would not be so painful.

So, somewhere along the way, quite early on, I convinced myself that the love I felt for my husband was never given fully. Thus, only I was to blame for the foundering, and eventual failure of the relationship. I was so convinced of this, that it took an eternity of memories suffusing me to realize what I had done. I don't think I recreated all of my reality, because, I always knew living in, and sustaining myself along with, the relationship would be difficult.

When we met, when we fell in love, we each had within us the need to love, and be loved, so badly, that once I let my doubts go, he became my love, the focus of my love, and I his, thus I felt there was no choice but one.

I now have to admit to myself. I did hold an all encompassing love for him . (We need more words/definitions for love, I still love him, only differently). He was only the third young man I had ever felt such a deep emotional connection with. In addition, with him, I also felt the tumult of infatuation and sexual desire. He was only the second young man whose kiss was felt as if it brushed against my soul. We loved. We loved in the idealistic way of the young, in the soul hungry way of the abused. We loved as only the insecure can, we loved to destruction, his and mine. I loved him the way my own parents inadvertently taught me to love my partner. On my part, I believed our differences were part of the old adage, "opposites attract". I believed those very differences would make each of us better as we grew older. I believed we would learn from each other, until one day, we would be less opposite...of course to be very truthful, I thought he would become more like me in ideology, and I would become more like him in the practical matters of life.

So, finally after denying it for more years than I can count, I admit, he was one of the true loves of my life, but it was also a love doomed.

* * * * * * *

"I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you. I love you not only for what you have made of yourself, but for what you are making of me. I love you for the part of me that you bring out."

~Pablo Neruda~

* * * * * * *

Love as Life Itself:

Only twice in my life have I felt the loss of love so deeply that I thought my very soul would not recover. I experienced psychic pain so intense I was sure it was unsurvivable.

The memories of those first days of grief will never leave me. Each time, if someone had told me I would go on to love again, I would have told them it was an impossibility, I could never love anyone like I loved him,(or him), I would never allow myself to feel such a pain again. But I did, we do, I may again.

The physical manifestations of my grief were undeniable: I was suffocated by the grasp of a giant fist intent upon rendering me dead. I could not breathe, nor could my heart beat, it was ripped from my body and squeezed, as one would squeeze the water from a wet sponge, I was eviscerated, and my entrails set aflame. I felt as if my soul had been annihilated. An annihilation that I relived minute by minute, hour after hour, day after day. Thick hot tears spilled from me in that initial deluge of pain, until I felt as if I had no moisture left within, I was lost in a forever desert of pain. I longed for true death.

Such emotional intensity take its toll though. I eventually became worn out, worn down, a deep sleep overcame me, a healing sleep. Upon each subsequent awakening the pain would be somewhat dulled. And, I became more rational, I could intellectualize my pain, my loss. I knew, I would continue to breathe, one inhale, one exhale at a time. I was lost though, lost in a cave of despair. I searched for ways to deaden the pain, the first time I used drugs, alcohol and another young man. The second...I closed off of my heart and used denial, a denial so strong that for a long while I couldn't even allow the memory of his face to come forth in my mind.

And, so, it went for me. During the recovery, from the love addiction, I was alive, but I was not. I suppose what I experienced is what we all experience when we lose someone we love with our entire being, someone we love because in loving them we feel as if we are a part of something bigger, something gloriously ours alone. That very love makes us more than we are if we do not have that love.

I survived, I lived. The first time, because it was a first love, and I was young. The second, because I could not put the daily living of life on hold to wallow in my pain. I had responsibilities. Eventually I did recover. Little pieces of me eventually came back. I was able to see my world and those who inhabited once more. The last time, I had choices to make, I chose the known over the unknown, I chose what I had, over what I did not, and never would. I chose what I thought would in the end create the lessor amount of pain. When I was somewhat healed, I realized even though I felt that I had loved and lost, I had still been given a gift. I accepted, healed, and moved on with life. Or, I thought I had. I had become more aware though...of the nuances silence breeds.

* * * * * * *

"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave. A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in... " ~Elizabeth Gilbert~

* * * * * * *

Today and Tomorrow:

So here I am, today, writing all of this out. Trying to make sense of it all the memories and thoughts. Not really being able to, but somehow understanding that I am Ok with not being able to.

I have felt, do feel, and will feel love for many others as my life continues. This I know. Some of those feelings I have not, and will not completely trust myself with yet.

There have been times, will be times, when I look off into the future and hope that I love again. I hope to give my love again, I hope to be loved again. It is a hope for love undefinable in many ways. I have a hope to experience the passion of youth, tempered by the knowledge learned by mistakes made, and the wisdom of a gentler heart.

I have that hope.

For although there is so very much I do not know...there is one thing I do know.

I am a woman who revels in intimate connections. My soul seeks to provide shelter and nourishment to the soul of another, just as I seek the same in return. I gain strength from such intimacy shared, and in turn provide strength. We each grow stronger. When I am enveloped in love, love given and love received, we become...we become gifts, we become priceless treasures, we become beauty.

I am saddened it took me so long to find that out.

I have a long way to go before I can freely give complete intimacy, but I will continue to hope.

* * * * * * *

"Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein~

* * *

"He dug so deeply into her sentiments that in search of interest he found love, because by trying to make her love him he ended up falling in love with her. Petra Cotes, for her part, loved him more and more as she felt his love increasing, and that was how in the ripeness of autumn she began to believe once more in the youthful superstition that poverty was the servitude of love. Both looked back then on the wild revelry, the gaudy wealth, and the unbridled fornication as an annoyance and they lamented that it had cost them so much of their lives to find the paradise of shared solitude. Madly in love after so many years of sterile complicity, they enjoyed the miracle of living each other as much at the table as in bed, and they grew to be so happy that even when they were two worn-out people they kept on blooming like little children and playing together like dogs. " ~Gabriel Marcia Marquez~

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Pollution/Climate Change...How Much Do We Care?

South America, has always been included among the top five places I wish to visit some day. So it wasn't surprising to me when my eye was immediately attracted to a recent Op-ed piece in the New York Times. As I read, my mind was also filled with words, and concepts such as; social consciousness, communal participation, pollution, politics, civic pride, peaceful coexistence, rhetoric, complacency, and so much more...

The article, (to me anyway), portrays, in a very well-written descriptive fashion our real social consciousness: There's a lot of rhetoric, but few of us actually do anything. We're complacent, we know it needs to be done, but we assume all of those eco-ideologues out there will do it for us. I'm guilty of it, for I'm one who does nothing to reduce my own carbon footprint, (although it is always in my mind that, 'someday' I will get myself organized and do it.)

Article Snippets:

The Melting Point

Los Glaciares National Park, Argentina

Dominique Browning

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Article Snippets:

"THE most striking thing about the drive out of El Calafate on the way to the Patagonian glaciers is the trash. Sheer, flimsy, white plastic bags, tens of thousands of them, are strewn across acres of land. The harsh wind has blown them in curtains up against the chain-link fences around construction sites; thousands have been tilled into the mud of wide tire tracks; thousands more, tattered by sharp nettles, festoon the low, clumping bushes that cover the landscape."

*******

"...Tour companies run boats of various sizes several times a day across the enormous Lake Argentino. Its peculiar blue-green water, called glacial milk, looks opaque because of the way light refracts off the silt and sediment it contains..."

"Before we’ve even pulled out of El Calafate’s harbor, a fight erupts among several passengers over seating; the armchairs aren’t arranged in such a way to allow all the couples to be together. An elegant Frenchman, his head and neck swathed in an expensive vicuña scarf, is furiously berating the young boat attendant who, it seems, didn’t appreciate just how V.I.P. the man was; he wants the seats being occupied by a hip young British couple, who are not budging but yelling back at him. Their voices grow louder as the engine picks up."

*******

"We come in sight of the first glacier and it is strange and magnificent, a frozen river of jagged peaks. Water pours off the sides. Glaciers worldwide have been receding for more than a century, but the melting has accelerated catastrophically in the last few decades. The tree line has not had time to advance enough to catch up; the ice has left behind wide scars of bare, hardscrabble earth. All the glaciers in Patagonia save one are shrinking more rapidly every year.

To my teenage niece, who has unplugged herself, (from her iPod), and joined me on deck, I explain all the science of climate change I can muster. Every once in a while a thundering crack is audible over the human din, as a huge piece of ice breaks off the face of the glacier. By the time you’ve heard it, you’ve missed it, and can see only the widening ripples radiating from the water where the newly calved iceberg has fallen. We watch melting ice cascade off the glacier’s crenelated face. “I guess this gives new meaning to ‘a glacial pace,’” my niece remarks.

I try to imagine what it must have been like to see glaciers looming 19 or 20 stories above, as the guide puts it, from a small, fragile craft, rather than from our three-story-high cruiser, and then I realize how strange it is that we resort to the architectural measurements of skyscrapers to wrap our minds around such grandeur. Getting to the glaciers in a small boat as a backpacker might have done a mere 20 years ago is now a privilege reserved for the very wealthy. Our cruiser cannot get too close for fear of a chunk of ice breaking off and sinking it — in revenge?"

*******

By now, the deck is crowded and people are arguing, pushing and shoving each other aside to get pictures of a companion with the ice in the background. We drop anchor at the edge of the park and are told to follow a path to a beachfront on which to picnic and admire the view.

Walking the length of the beach is like crossing a city and hearing accents change along the way: there’s the German area; the Italian neighborhood; the Japanese block. Next come the Israelis, the British and of course the aloof French in a choice arrondissement. There are surprisingly few Americans on our boat...

At the signal to get back on board we are reminded to leave nothing behind. I linger a bit, trying to steal a quiet moment in front of the glacier. I cannot seem to feel, in a deep way, the awe I know this spectacle deserves, a response more profound than the simple excitement that makes us reach for our cameras — closer perhaps, to a state of grace and wonder, the feeling of being in the presence of something holy. I cannot push aside the clamor of our journey or the mess of my companions. How can we expect anyone to care about melting glaciers in the abstract, in news articles and scientific papers, when even in the face of their stupendous presence we remain careless? Along the path grow exquisite, miniature Alpine flowers in every imaginable color, so tiny you could easily miss them. Among the delicate blossoms are bits of foil, trash, cigarette butts, broken glass and plastic water bottle caps. We can’t seem to help ourselves.

On the ship, people settle sleepily into the upholstery. We have four more glaciers to visit, but I suppose the general feeling in the napping class is that if you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all..."

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