It's Been Said Before...

When will we listen, when will we learn?

* * * * * * *

"We have spent lives and wealth without limit in pursuit of an unworthy goal, preserving our own power and prestige while laying waste the unfortunate lands of ..."

H. G. Wells, the English novelist and historian, once wrote:

The true strength of rulers and empires lies not in armies or emotions, but in the belief of men that they are inflexibly open and truthful and legal. As soon as a government departs from that standard, it ceases to be anything more than “the gang in possession,” and its days are numbered.

"The people do not want, nor should they any longer be subjected to, the paternalistic protection of an Executive which believes that it alone has the right answers. For too long both the people and Congress have been denied access to the needed data with which they can judge national policy. For too long they have been spoon-fed information designed to sustain predetermined decisions and denied information which questioned those decisions. For too long they have been forced to subsist on a diet of half-truths or deliberate deceit, by executives who consider the people and the Congress as adversaries."

"If ever there was a time for change, it is now. "




Who said all of this, and more?

Mike Gravel, U.S. Senator, Washington, D.C., August 1971

Pentagon Papers.

Once upon a time American's had a passion for their country, for the future. Can it be reawakened again?

"But now there is a great awakening in our land. There is a yearning for peace, and a realization that we need never have gone to war. There is a yearning for a more free and open society, and the emerging recognition of repression of people’s lives, of their right to know, and of their right to determine their nation’s future. And there is a yearning for the kind of mutual trust between those who govern and those who are governed that has been so lacking in the past." ~ again...Mike Gravel~

Vote, Vote, Vote.

A Part of the Hidden Me

I don't think I have ever written about this part of my life. I have kept it separate for a very long time. But for some reason, recently I have come to realize, it too is a part of my story, and since this and my other blogs, are my story, my journals, it is time I write of it also.





We found each other through our blogs, back in the beginning of 2007. Another online friend directed me to his blog, I read a few entries, was intrigued by his lyrical writing, and how many of his viewpoints matched my own. I left a comment or two on his, and, at around the same time he had begun reading my blogs, leaving comments on a couple of mine.

On a whim, I sent him an email message in reply to one of his comments:
"You sir have definitely intrigued me in the past few days."

His reply:

"How so?

Then again, I should probably add that I think you're something special. Just a hunch."

From that moment on, we began exchanging emails, multiple emails, between us over a 1000 in the past year.

Within a few weeks, the emails became an opening of two souls to the other, I quickly became very fond of him, then infatuated.

All the while, knowing that I was in the worst place possible emotionally to be feeling what I was feeling. But as time moved on I came to feel a love for him, fighting it at first, because I had been involved in "online relationships" before. I knew how dangerous they could become to someone in my emotional state. I knew that if not kept in check, if I did not keep myself focused on what was going on in my day to day life, I could quickly lose myself in a world of fantasy. I had been there before, and was not going to allow myself to do it again. I had to concentrate on the changes I needed to make in my "real" life.

Those "online fantasy love affairs" had taken place during a time when I was unable to face the changes I needed to make in my life, I used them to distract me from my inner angsts. In a sense they were an important part of my growth process, in that, I learned I could feel again, in fact there were times I felt like a teenager not knowing the difference between lust, infatuation, and love.

As I look back upon those online "love affairs" I have come to understand many other things as well. I did use them to hide from my inner pain, to hide from the failure of my marriage, to hide from the fact that I couldn't go on as I was. I used them in an attempt to get needs met that were not met in my relationship with my husband. They also taught me, that for me anyway, they didn't work for long. They were a soothing salve, but eventually they did not aid me in moving on with my life, in making the changes I needed to make, changes that were needed to save myself, or my children. They were only a hindrance.

So, when I began looking forward to his emails, when just the sight of one in my inbox would make my heart flutter in happiness, I became more cautious with myself, examining each feeling in detail, before I let it be what it was. For, I knew I could not allow myself to become lost in another world of fantasy. Yet I could not back away from this "Lyrical Man", I was completely under his spell. As the weeks and words flew, we eventually exchanged those three little words, words that scared the bejeezus out of me, but words that I knew I felt. I love you. Three little words, that carry so much meaning, three little words that have a multitude of definitions depending upon who they are said to, where we are in our life, how much we are willing to open our hearts. Yet, even though this was through written word only, and I couldn't really put my finger on why, I felt this time was different, I was different, he was different. It was not just fantasy, or roles we were taking on to fulfill unmet needs. Don't get me wrong, fantasy was there, all those words we exchanged included desire, lust, ravishment, and romance.

But, for the first time in years I also felt more grounded, I was coming back into my own. Even in the midst of extreme emotional turmoil, I was finally allowing myself to view my life in all of its oh so bleak reality. I was already in the process of moving on with my life, planning the changes I needed to make. His becoming a part of my life at the time seemed more helpful than a hindrance, he gave me words of encouragement, when I most needed them--not words encouraging me to end my marriage--but words that boosted me up, words that allowed me to see myself in the eyes of another that were not denigrating.

As often happens, we were both experiencing many changes in our "real lives", changes that also meant we could really think about one day meeting. So, after many, many months of exchanging words alone, we did meet.

Our first meeting was an eyeopener to me, (to him as well I am sure, I honestly cannot remember if he told me of his first impressions of me from that weekend or not...I do so hate my memory). I had to reconcile the man I only knew through words, to the man he truly is. Even though I had desperately tried to not create a fantasy man, I knew in part I had. Thus I was apprehensive at the thought of meeting him. This man who had me completely enthralled.

With that first weekend we spent together, he did become real, very real. Upon my long drive home, from that weekend we spent together, so many thoughts, so many emotions rippled through me. I was one very confused woman, unable to reconcile all that I felt. I was conflicted, thrilled, enthralled, guilt ridden, sad, joyful, amused, and bemused. Since that time, we have been together on other occasions. I am always excited at the prospect of spending time with him, I enjoy almost every moment we are together, no matter what we are doing, (even when he is whining)*. Each time I have left him though, during my ride home, I would be happy we spent time together, yet, I would still be filled with confusion.

Even with that confusion though, comes the knowledge that it is all OK, I have no room in my life to want more. I have too much healing, and growing to do, to seek a full blown loving relationship with another. I am simply not ready. There have been days when questions arise within me. Will there be a someday when we will both be willing to explore each other's hearts to the very fullest? Or, as our lives become freer, will we slowly fade from each other's lives? Only time will tell, and although it sometimes amazes me (since I have never thought of patience as one of my virtues), I am very OK with that as well.

We have shared so much of ourselves with each other, our stories, our fears, our flaws, our dreams. I have grown so much because this man is in my life, I cannot ask for more than that. In his way, he has given me so many gifts, gifts that have aided me in my journey to healing my heart and psyche. He accepts me, for me, as I am, my many flaws, and failings, he accepts. I am constantly awed by that.

I have no idea where my journey through this life will end, but I am grateful he has become a part of it.

Most important of all though, I think I have finally put to rest my need to define my feelings for him, very simply, I love him, I cherish his presence in my life. That is enough for me.**

*sorry, inside joke ~grin~

**gotta say though, I do look forward to the next time we can spend some 'real' time together.

thorny thoughts

When I drink socially, with friends, or family, there is always food available to share, to enjoy together. We laugh, eat, talk, eat, joke, eat, drink. We munch and crunch. Together.

It is a sharing, these friends mixed with food and drink, it feels right.

When I drink alone, there may be food available, yet I don't eat. I can even start the evening hungry, yet it gets lost, I no longer feel it. I become numb to food.

Isn't that weird?


There are people in my life, that seem to thrive only when there is drama, lots and lots of drama.

In my observations of them, they seem to only feel alive when each emotion they experience is at full intensity. When the thorns are pricking deeply, when the bead of blood becomes a river. Then they thrive.

Their way, doesn't make sense to me...which I also find confounding, in that I make most of my decisions based on emotion.

Any yet...their way...would feel like a weight to me...this intensity would be an anchor tied to my ankles, I would drown in the utter intensity of it...yet they only seem able to live by breathing in huge vociferous gasping gulps of air, or so shallowly they become dizzy with lack of oxygen.

I cannot live such a life. I need to breathe freely, deeply, easily.

I have been there, in that place, when it seemed I was constantly mired in the depths of despair, or flying high with happiness.

I like my life much better, when it feels even, simple. I may feel sad, I may feel happy, even full of joy, but there is no drama to it, it feels as if it is...just...life...being lived...as honestly as I can.

I wonder though, is that just how I perceive my reality?

Perhaps other's think I live dramatically?



I have created distance in my life from those that I used to be the closest too. My extended family.

In my before divorce life. I could ignore, or leave behind my own pain, to listen to theirs. I would be there for them at a moments notice.

Now, in the midst of this divorce life. I can't do it, or won't do it. It takes more energy than I possess to deal with their traumas.

Someone once told me divorce is perhaps worse than the death of a spouse, because people respect the grief, and the grieving process. Yet with divorce, life is supposed to go on as before, only different. These people who have such need, feel me pulling away, and want more and more from me. I don't have it to give, not right now.

It doesn't work that way. Someone was right. I think it is worse.

I have no body to bury, no way yet to separate the good and the bad memories, no way to fully mourn the death of this marriage. There has been no memorial service, there is no sense of finality, no closure.


I miss...something...just don't know...or...don't want to...think about what it is...whatever it is...that I miss.

For You My Friend

The sunshine is out there my friend, waiting to warm you.

SUCH SINGING IN THE WILD BRANCHES

It was spring
and finally I heard him
among the first leaves -
then I saw him clutching the limb
in an island of shade
with his red-brown feathers
all trim and neat for the new year.
First, I stood still
and thought of nothing.
Then I began to listen.
Then I was filled with gladness -
and that’s when it happened,
when I seemed to float,
to be, myself, a wing or a tree -
and I began to understand
what the bird was saying,
and the sands in the glass
stopped
for a pure white moment
while gravity sprinkled upward
like rain, rising,
and in fact
it became difficult to tell just what it was that was singing -
it was the thrush for sure, but it seemed
not a single thrush, but himself, and all his brothers,
and also the trees around them,
as well as the gliding, long-tailed clouds
in the perfectly blue sky - all, all of them
were singing.
And, of course, yes, so it seemed,
so was I.
Such soft and solemn and perfect music doesn’t last
for more than a few moments.
It’s one of those magical places wise people
like to talk about.
One of the things they say about it, that is true,
is that, once you’ve been there,
you’re there forever.
Listen, everyone has a chance.
Is it spring, is it morning?
Are there trees near you,
and does your own soul need comforting?
Quick, then - open the door and fly on your heavy feet; the song
may already be drifting away.

~Mary Oliver~

Lessons Learned on a Friday/And a Request

Lesson Number One: If you are going to do something spontaneous...make sure you are dressed for said spontaneous activity. (Just how one does this for a spontaneous activity I am not quite sure...maybe keep a packed bag in the trunk...so I am ready for anything? Hmm, I used to do it for my kids...it was called a "Diaper Bag", mine can be my "Spontaneity Bag".)

I had to run some errands Friday afternoon. So, after my shopping was complete, Kiko and I went for a walk in a nearby park. The park was lovely, but, clogs are not proper walking shoes, trust me on that one. An hour later I could not understand why the arches of my feet were aching so badly...then it dawned on me...clogs+walking+running after a dog=bad idea.

Lesson Number Two: Cheap can be good.

So much of my life has changed in the past 10 months, my shopping list was a short one, and quite boring really, but it definitely shows how my life keeps getting simpler, and cheaper.

Shopping List:
Dish Drainer
Clothes Line
Clothes Pins
Dust Pan
Eye Bolts
Cranberry Juice

My dishwasher quit working--it is now a storage cabinet for clean dishes--thus the dish drainer.

My dryer quit working--well sort of...it tumbles the clothing around...but doesn't dry them--I though about using my blowdryer...but my arms just can't take it...thus the clothes line, clothes pins, and eye bolts.

My dust pan somehow disappeared about 3 weeks ago, and, a piece of cardboard just doesn't do it for me. After searching high, low, behind, inside of, on top of, and and every where else in between, I decided I would have to break down and buy a new one. I haven't purchased a dust pan for at least 20 some odd years. You can actually buy one for a $1.75, amazing!

Cranberry Juice...cause I like it of course.

You may be asking, "Why doesn't she get the dishwasher or dryer repaired, or replace the broken machines? "

The simple answer...it cost money for repairs and replacements...I have no extra money for such luxuries. (desperately hoping my rear tires make it through until the settlement).
It is a part of our provisional agreement for Soon-to-be-Ex to maintain/repair the basics at this property...but it is so very hard to ask him for anything, always was. At this point in time...way too hard for me.

So, back to the basics. I tell myself that standing at the kitchen sink hand washing the dishes is much greener, and healthier, than just loading and unloading a dishwasher. (yeah, yeah I can hear you now. Why don't her children wash dishes? Mainly, because I don't ask, I rarely ask for anything...basic idea behind this post) Sun/wind dried clothing smells fresher, and is better for the environment. When these excuses become a lot less fulfilling, I will gather the courage to put up with Soon-to-be-Ex's grumbles, gripes, and digs...when I do ask.

Anyway, everything I purchased was from one of those Dollar Stores...Dollar General, Family Dollar, Dollar Tree...something like that. I hoped they would carry the things I needed. I was pleasantly surprised...as they did, (almost, they were out of eye bolts). The quality of my purchases were not quite what I am used to, but I decided two things...1) Who needs a dish drainer to last 20 years? (my last one did) 2) Cheap is good.

* * * * * * *

'Tis a rare thing when I post an entry that requests something from a reader of this blog...but today I am.

I am a registered member of several online charitable organizations. At the moment there is little I can donate (monetarily anyway) to these organizations, but occasionally there is something I can do for them. In the future, I hope to do more.

One of the organizations is called the Global Volunteer Network. They sponsor a world wide fundraiser, Eat So They Can, which is quite painless for the volunteer. Actually a very American type of fund raiser, in that it is easy, social, and fills the participants belly with good food, while raising money for a good cause. A cause I am now asking you dear blog reader to investigate and take part in.

"So what is Eat So They Can?

It is an international fundraiser that invites citizens of the world to participate in what is collectively one huge dinner party; where something as simple as sharing a meal with friends can help stop child poverty. The event is a co-initiative of Global Volunteer Network (GVN) and GVN-Foundation.

Last year GVN kicked off the world-wide dinner party in New Zealand at a picturesque vineyard, and as the sun traversed the earth, Eat So They Can fundraisers sprung up across Australia and Asia, followed by Europe and Africa, the Americas and Canada. Eat So They Can crossed all seven continents and raised over $37, 000 for the Kenya Children's Fund. This year, with your help, we hope to raise $100 000!"


Imagine, if enough of us get involved, there could be bloggers around the world hosting dinner parties on October 18th or 19th of 2008, and the donations would roll in. Think about it...please.

Allowing a Life of Unity

Unity: Undivided or unbroken completeness or totality...

Serenity: an absence of mental stress or anxiety.

Tranquility: an untroubled state, free from disturbances.

Contentment: a state of mind in which one's desires are confined to his lot whatever it may be.

Curiosity: the desire to learn or know about anything; inquisitiveness.

Joy: the emotion of great delight or happiness caused by something exceptionally good or satisfying.

Spontaneity: coming or resulting from a natural impulse or tendency; without effort or premeditation; natural and unconstrained; unplanned.

Spirituality: concern with things of the spirit.

Active/Engaged: engaged in action; characterized by energetic work, participation/to involve oneself or become occupied; participate.

Aware/Sensual: having knowledge; conscious; cognizant/pertaining to, inclined to, or preoccupied with the gratification of the senses.

Simplicity: freedom from deceit or guile; sincerity; artlessness; naturalness.

* * * * * * *

The word UNITY has been stuck in my consciousness for days. As I pondered the word, I began to think of other words I felt somehow defined what I seek within myself, and outwardly in the living of life itself. There were several more words that fluttered across my brain, but I confined myself to those I have listed above. They are more than enough for my feeble brain to contend with at this time. Enough to set my dreams in motion.

At times looking up the definitions of a word allows me to focus more intently on my own personal more emotional intuitive definition.

When researching the many definitions of each word, and choosing those that best bespoke my emotions regarding each word. I first had the thought, "how can these words help define my life, how can they define my dreams of the future me, some of them seem almost in conflict with each other, with unity?"

But essentially, they are each an essence of me, and/or how I wish to live my life.

As I sat down to add to this journal entry, I did not have to look far to find moments that bespeak how this life I live is on its way to me finding unity.

As I remembered/examined this day. today, I again realized my life is simpler now, when I allow it to be.

And when I allow myself to see the specialness of the moments experienced, I find some of that sought after unity.

Although my work day was stressful, I also feel pleased with it. As I review, I find accomplishment, and serenity in the knowledge I did good work today. I spent the day engaged...with callers, with coworkers, a few special conversational moments with a dear friend. My day was a mix of all that makes life good. (except for the weather, it was lousy).

Smiles, laughter, teasing, helpfulness, awareness, intellectual stimulation, interest, curiosity, activity, friendship, love, thoughtfulness, mindfulness, being...a day of just being me. It was a good day, a unified day. I left the office tired but content.

As I pulled into my driveway tonight, I was very aware I felt happy to be home.

Simplicity, contentment, awareness.

Even though it had been a long day, filled with stress, I had a sense of peace within me. I was home, and happy to be here. I hold inside, the knowledge of how nice that feels compared to how it felt to arrive home one year ago. Such a difference...in the past...I cringed when I arrived home...no smile on my face, no warm feeling in my heart then.

Today, Moose and Kiko were playing in the yard, Mr. Son was standing on the deck, talking to them, while insuring they wouldn't wander far from the house. As I exited the car, filling my arms with stuff to carry inside, Mr. Son and I greeted each other, pleasantly, happy to see each other. So nice. We chatted a few moments, while I began to prepare a light dinner, then Mr. Son went off to shower. I watched as the dogs continued their play in the living room.

Upon first glance it would have seemed it was a battle for dominance and submission. As Kiko would appear to be quite rough with Moose, he would then run under the sofa, along the back side, and peek out from one end or the other. Kiko would plant her body at one end, her attempt to guess which side he would reemerge I supposed. But, as I watched them, the suspicion came over me, they were playing a form of peek-a-boo I got you, she would rest her nose on the floor just on the outside edge of the sofa, and Moose would rest his nose very close to hers from underneath the sofa. She wouldn't move...waiting him out...and each time... he wouldn't be able to wait...I could hear his little tail thumping as he would slide his head out further and further until she would pounce on him. Over and over they played this game. Reminding me of similar games played with my children when they were toddlers.

In those moments, I was aware of nothing else except the pleasure of watching the two of them play. So involved in fact that I did not hear Miss Daughter's arrival until the front door opened.

I was content as---We exclaimed our pleasure at seeing one another. My spirit warming at the sight of her. More small joys filling me as I heard her voice. Feeling comfort at the feel of her embrace of hello. My admiration of her as she loosely, though gracefully, threw her body down upon the sofa, dangling her long strong legs out so Moose could run between them, all the while filling my ears with her chatter. My own smile widening, as I watched smiles flit across her face as she began to play with the dogs.

Soon Mr. Son joined us, another soul I love to observe. His movements slower, smoother, heavier than those of his sister. Two very opposite characters are my children. Miss Daughters movements mimic her internal world. Mr. Son's do not. His relaxed easy outer appearance, a mask to the intensity of his inner world.

As I examine the moments we three spend together, even when we are at odds with one another, there is a feeling of...of...hmmm...maybe...it is a form of tranquility. When we are all emotionally calm and relaxed, the atmosphere is the same. When there is discord among us, still, there is always an underlying feeling of acceptance, and a certain knowledge that it will blow over, we will be OK. An atmosphere often missing in my old home.

Only moments ago, I felt supreme contentment, joy, tranquility, and even curiosity. I was aware. Embraced with a sound that floods my heart with love and joy. I sat here at my computer reading the days most recent news, when I heard a sound that has filled me with pleasure for over 17 years. It was the sound of my two children laughing together, enjoying each other, sharing their ideas, opinions, and music with each other. All I could hear was the murmur of their voices under the sound of Tom Waits's raspy croon, and even when the more primal sound of Jack White's voice was issuing forth from the stereo speakers, I could hear the occasional burst of laughter, and more murmurs. A fleeting curiosity came over me to hear what they were talking about, but I allowed that to pass, as I simply allowed myself to revel in the sound of them, enjoying each other.

So...a life of unity. I sought definitions this week, attempting to understand. To define my life. To define my dreams, mild and wild dreams. Definitions which on appearance seem at odds with each other. But, they are not. They are unified within me, or will be.

If only I remember this feeling of almost unity when those moments come upon me, those moments when all I seem capable of holding onto is that feeling of gray.

Purpose

Meeting his eyes with my own, I smiled and said, "Well then, today, I have served my purpose."

* * * * * * *

Our offices are side by side. He is a coworker, and becoming a friend. We notice when the other is not quite up to par. We exchange the usual office banter on a daily basis, and both of us drink way too much coffee, often grumbling over who had to make the last pot. On a few rare occasions we share special moments at the end of the day, and, our conversations take a more personal turn. We speak of our different philosophies on life, relationships, ourselves. In some ways we are quite similar, in others very different.

Our similarities have only become known through our few in-depth conversations. We are both introspective...to a fault at times. We are both prone to falling into depression, especially in regard to our own failings, our own self-critiques. We both treasure solitude, books, art, analyzing humanities foibles, poetry, and finding ways to express ourselves. He is an artist, spending hours each evening after work drawing. We are both shy by nature, although I am better at hiding my own shyness. He has begun journaling his life, his thoughts, his fears, his losses, and his dreams. I have done that for more than half of my life. Funnily enough...though I shouldn't have been surprised...he too was once married to a person who needed to be "in control" of their life, and him.

At some point as we were speaking of our rather negative experiences through out the lives we have led, and within our marriages themselves, I voiced one of my truisms, "In my life, especially as a child, I experienced a lot of negative things, and ended up living a different life than I ever imagined I would. But, I do have to say, there is not a single bad thing that has happened in my life that I can't find something positive which was a direct result of that very negativity."

He gave me a rather puzzled look, and with surprise in his voice asked, "You really believe that?"

"Yes. I do. Everything that has ever happened to me, helped to form who I am, how I view the world. And, even though I have a lot of things I'd like to change about myself...the basic me of who I am...I like her."

He smiled, "Good for you."

Anyway, today's conversation meandered along, covering various subjects, but there was a common theme. Life, how we each view it, how we learn, grow, and sometimes are changed from our varied experiences.

We spent some time speaking of his youthful infatuation with Kierkegaard, he spoke of how his readings, and interpretations of Kierkegaard's abstractions have affected his outlook on life in general. As a very young man, he accepted Kierkegaard's writings as the ultimate truth, and now feels that his pessimistic view point on life was colored by this early infatuation of his. One of Kierkegaard's most oft repeated aphorisms really does describe this new friend of mine. "The thing is to find a truth which is true for me, to find the idea for which I can live and die." Yet, he fears he will never find this truth.

Our conversation soon segued into purpose...life's purpose. He feels he hasn't found his purpose in life, and fears he never will.

I of course had to express my own viewpoint, which is, "I believe we serve many purposes in this life we lead. Sometimes they may seem so very insignificant, at other times our purpose becomes glaringly obvious. There are times I even ask myself, what purpose does my being in this situation, or involved with this person serve? I always find a purpose that satisfies me. Each day in my job, I serve a purpose, I suggest options for someone in the midst of a crisis. Sometimes I can only listen. Like today, I listened to a woman who is barely functioning, she can do no more...I just listened, for almost two hours I listened, when she left here, she felt better. I served a purpose. As a mother, raising my children, even though I feel in many ways I failed, I still served a purpose, as did they, we have taught each other so much."

I then told him a very short story told by a 95 year old woman. "At the age of 87, this old woman felt she had reached the end of her life. She had fulfilled her purpose for being here on this planet, for being alive. She wasn't completely sure what that purpose had been, but she was satisfied, she had led a good life. Yet, there was one final thing she felt she needed to accomplish before the end of her life. She wanted to fly, she wanted to ride in an airplane. Eventually, her son bought her a private flight on a two seater plane, (of course, I can't remember what kind it was), she was high up in the sky enjoying the thrill of flying, when the pilot suddenly lost consciousness, he didn't respond to her calls. She had no idea what to do. But somehow, either through luck or by observing the pilot earlier, she turned on the radio, and was able to call for help. The air traffic controllers found another pilot to talk her through flying the plane, and most importantly landing it safely. The plane did not crash, they did not die, and the pilot lived to be a father to his children. She said, that is when she knew, really knew she had served her purpose, she was supposed to be on that plane to save his life.

I usually have a terrible memory, but for some reason, all of these years later, I still remember her story."

My coworker stood leaning against the door frame, thinking over all he just heard. Then said to me, "Humph, you've really given me some food for thought. Thanks."

You know my reply.

* * * * * * *

*blogger note* I saw a Bald Eagle soaring through the sky today...from that point on...I had a great day.

I Need a Map

I am flawed. I am human. I make mistakes, unfortunately more often than I wish to contemplate, I make the same mistake several times over before I learn from the making of it.

I have spent my life punishing myself for not being what I considered as close to perfect as I could be. I have also spent most of my life punishing myself because another also considered me imperfect.

I have always known I wasn't, and never could be, but it was the act of seeking to be the best I could be that was important to me, in my seeking, I was focused, I had a goal.

In recent months, I feel as if I am no longer seeking to be my best, to do my best.

I don't like this me.

In the past when I felt my world was falling down around my ears, I kept my sanity, my inner strength by always seeking to do/be my very best in as many aspects of my life as I could. Always realizing that not every aspect of daily life will always get my best effort, something/someone always loses out when my attention is focused elsewhere.

But right now, today, I feel as I am failing everything. My old world is no more. It crashed, shattered, disappeared. I am creating a new world, a new life. But, somehow my best efforts are not in it.

A part of me thinks this is so, because I need a blueprint, a plan, a map to begin with, to center my focus upon. Once I have that, then I will feel more certain. It has never mattered to me if I end up deviating from a plan, as I long as I have a plan to begin with.

I haven't done that. I have no plan. No map for this new life I have embarked upon.

I once wrote somewhere, somewhen about my love of road trips, and traveling. Of how I may carry a map along with me, in case of coming to a dead end, but a few wrong turns, a few side roads taken, excites me. The deviations from the plan make any trip more worth while.

But I have no road map along with me now. Instead of feeling excited about the journey as I did almost ten months ago, I now feel lost before I have truly begun.

I am driving aimlessly. I am stuck on a never ending four lane freeway, one that seems to have no exits. Even if I made a U turn the destination would be the same. Nowhere.

The road sides are littered with trash, the discards of my fellow travelers, there are a few wildflowers poking their petaled heads up above the debris, but mostly I only see the ugliness lining the road sides. I see old abandoned cars (lives with no plan?), piles and piles of fast food wrappings scattered amidst the dried grasses, broken bits of styrofoam tumbling hither and yon along the median, a flattened lost lone shoe (how does that happen?), and roadside crosses decorated with faded silk flowers, forgotten.

I have no wish for a specific destination, and yet...

I want to do more than drift along this endlessly long road completely unsure, unknowing.

Each day I awake with renewed hope, that it will all fall into place. I will know which direction I want to be heading in. Instead, I follow this road just because it is there.

That isn't good enough for me.

I need to know if I am heading into the sun, or following the path of the moon.

After I know that. Then, I can give it my best shot. Then, I can dream.

Huge sigh, hugest of sighs.

It is the land of divorce I travel in...there is no road map.

Nothing Inbetween

Icy fingers of doubt slid up her spine, gripping her mind with a sudden blast of fear, "What have I done? Why did I need to revisit this place? Its all wrong, so very wrong."

Alone. Bereft. A gray forlorn figure blinded by tears, and the immensity of loss. No stars or moon to shed their comforting luminance, the sound of aged brown leaves whirling in the breeze her only company.

Spirit bleak, lost in an avalanche of ancient memories tumbling down upon her.

Once upon a time her bare feet had merrily skipped down this very same street. The bricks which formed it warmed from the sun, worn soft from years of pedestrian traffic passing over them. Once sharp edges eroded smooth from eons of cold and heat, wind and rain, snow and ice expanding and contracting them.

Once upon at time, long ago, a lifetime ago, she had lived, she had loved, she had laughed. Cocooned by its beauty and bounty.

Empty now. So empty.

Trees once swathed in green had lined its edges, trees now a dead frostbitten gray. Buildings once spied upon this street through windows of sparkling crystal light, windows now dulled and shattered filled with the ghosts of tattered curtains fluttering raggedly, as if the buildings are expelling the fetid air that fills them. Proud carved oaken doors once stood golden and gleaming facing the street, doors now roughened, splintered, hanging crookedly upon their hinges.

Once upon a time she had dreamed of a life garbed in joy, her heart beating to the deep rich rhythm of love and acceptance.

Once upon a time sparkling laughter had freely spilled from her lips.

Once upon a time she had embraced the future, as it had tried to give her its gifts, arms outstretched to her, palms cupped, forming an open bowl filled with soul lifting possibilities.

Once upon a time she had been guileless, guilt free and trusting.

Once upon a time she thought she was deserving of such gifts.

Once upon a time an open heart had beat within her chest.

But somewhen along this street of her life, the armies of the dark slipped out of the shadows, oozing up through the crooked cracks between the bricks, seeping out of the dank basements hidden beneath the buildings, and began flogging her soul.

Once upon a time was no more.

~Once upon a future, a small smile forms on her lips, as thin beams of silver moonlight begin to break through the bleak night, sending the dark army skittering once again for the shadows~

So Ready for Spring

Draped upon the edge of exhaustion. I have been feeling such for days now.

Today, was/is Monday, and I think it is truly one of the few times in which I truly knew why some people say they dislike Mondays. It felt as if I were moving through a light fog of fatigue...the more alert I tried to become...the more difficult it became. 'Twas indeed a relief when the work day approached its end.

I realize a part of the fatigue is it being that time of year in the Midwest, it is March, we know Spring is approaching...but the weather is not fulfilling the promise. Yesterday it was 64 degrees Fahrenheit, this morn it started out in the mid-fifties but by noon it had dropped back down to 30-something. In addition the gray skies were filled with rain that soon turned to snow. I am ready for spring, we are all ready for spring.

Yet even with fatigue overwhelming me, there were bright spots to the day. When I returned home from work, I was very pleased to find Mr. Son had taken the responsibility to take the puppies outside for a bit of play and their necessary eliminations...I feared he would not. Something I am beginning to realize about this eldest child of mine...even though he has many wonderful qualities... he also possesses some that are not so great, although his penchant for depression does play a part, I have also come to realize that this young man is quite self-involved at times. Too often...there is so much he just does not seem to notice unless it directly affects him and his comforts. But today, without a reminder from me, he did at least realize the "babes" needed care. Although it does help that they are both quite vocal when the need arises.

When I entered the house, I found Mr. Son at the computer, researching recipes for trail meals, he tells me he is planning on leaving the 15th of April, and hiking the Appalachian Trail. That this time he intends to do it right...and to stick it out until mid-summer before he must return to be the best man in a wedding. I must confess, after the last time, I do not completely trust that he has the fortitude to really do it. But I do have hope he will, I also will applaud him every step of the way. I believe it will be very good for him, he needs it. Even though I have that niggling fear all parents get...that he will be injured, or lost, I still support him, and will continue to encourage. Especially after his most recent encounter with his father. An incident occurred in which soon-to-be-ex berated him for "using his home too much". Mr. Son was in many ways, it was his escape from our eight little darlings, and their occasional need to be in hyper drive. Yet, the way in which his father "told" him of his feelings was very hurtful, and in fact probably ruined any recent upturn in their relationship. Sigh...another one of those times in which I wish soon-to-be-ex would think before expressing his anger.

Some of my fatigue has lifted in recent hours. I allowed myself a short nap, then accomplished a few much needed chores around the house. In addition, tomorrow is trash pick up day, so that had to be done. But, what really aided me the most, was something so very simple. I took the puppies outside to play. They being the age they are, they follow after me me where ever I go, so I spent time running from them, calling them to me, running away, and calling them to me again. The late evening air filled my lungs, the exercise revived my body and my spirit, and the playful clumsiness of the puppies is so amusing. Life is full of simple pleasures when we allow ourselves to experience them.

And, Spring will arrive...yep, yep it will.

Woof!

All the puppies have been adopted!

I was so afraid I wouldn't find homes for them all. Huge, huge sigh of relief.

They all have such sweet, gentle dispositions it was an easy task. Each and every person that met them...immediately wanted them. I am amazed that all eight are so mellow in personality (canineality?), they are lovely animals, and I am sure they will grow into beautifully behaved pets, if each of their owners spends the necessary time. A nice thing about their adoptive families, is that I know several of them, and will thus be able to be kept informed of their growth and progress.

I am so, so happy. I delivered the last one today, and took another for a short visit with her new family. They will be out of the country for a few weeks, so I am puppysitting her until their return. Gotta say...her new 'Daddy' is gorgeous...just sayin'! ~smile~

We are keeping one...Moose...pictured above.

Other than that...I am looking forward to my house returning to some semblance of normality...or almost normal anyway.

There were days when it felt as if there were not enough hours...it seemed I was either cleaning up after them, feeding and watering them...and then...cleaning up after them again. It will be nice to not be going through over 20 pounds of dogfood each week too.

Don't get me wrong...I enjoyed having them around...well...most of the time.

Watching them grow, observing each change within and without, playing with them, nurturing them, bonding with several. They each knew me instantly when I entered a room...although that is probably because the sight, sound and scent of me meant FOOD!

I will miss them...but I am ONE VERY HAPPY WOMAN TONIGHT!