Awake and Confused

Revised post. I took my blogs offline for several days, running away from my emotions, from myself, from everything. I tried to shut everyone in my life out, thinking I would quiet the emotional storm filling me. It didn't work, I haven't been able to sleep or eat for several days. So, I switched myself back on, trying to resolve my confusion, doing some very intense internal self examination. At this point I have come to only one conclusion that makes sense to me. I am unable to accept that someone loves me for me. I am missing something fundamental within myself. I expect the people in my life to eventually find my flaws and reject me. It works.

The Magical Quality of the Words of Others.

From the time I learned to read, I have devoured the written word. I was voracious in my appetite to lose myself in the words of others.

For several years, I'd felt I had lost some of that, the knack of losing myself in a novel, or staying with a piece of nonfiction because I found the subject matter fascinating. The words seemed to get lost in the foggy void of depression I guess. I suppose if I want to be completely honest here, everything in my life was lost in the mists of my inner misery.

I am awakening though, words have meaning for me again. Life once again has meaning. I care deeply again. A sign of healing? Maybe.

How do I know I am awakening? Hmmm...because I can read again, for the pure enjoyment of it, and occasionally certain passages send out sparkles of recognition, and leave an impression.

In my years of reading fiction to escape my "real" life, I've chanced across many authors, some good, some great, some bad, some really really bad. I read almost anything. Which is good I think, I rarely discount something just because it is of a certain genre.

An author I have rediscovered is Dean Koontz. I've read some of his horror novels in the past, nothing about them really struck me as particularly fascinating. Nothing about them had me thinking ... I want to read everything this author has written (that does happen on occasion). I don't even remember any of the titles, nor the stories, but I know I've read a few. Several years ago my son brought home one of Koontz's novels featuring the character Odd Thomas. A strange, quirky young man, lovable in some ways, if one can love a character, I know I hold some sort of surreal affection for this fictional young man. The Odd Thomas stories have made me a fan of Mr. Koontz. We, my son and I, have read several of the novels centered around this Shakespeare quoting young man. The most recent I've read is entitled Odd Hours. It doesn't have a particularly fascinating plot line, it's a suspense novel, but I really didn't care how it would end, I didn't really care to try solve the mystery. Odd Thomas himself once again held me in his grasp. There is just something about Odd Thomas that draws me in. I find myself ruminating on his words. Thoughts that in some way have inspired me to want to move forward with my life. Nonsensical I'm sure, but I found myself dog earing pages, so I could reread some of the passages. I have not sought permission to quote him here, (had that problem once before), but I'm gonna anyway. (Until, or unless they request I remove them)

* * * * * * *

Odd Hours

Page 119: "When I am battered and oppressed by the world that humanity has made--which is different from the world that it was given--my primary defense, my consolation, is the absurdity of that world.

The given world dazzles with wonder, poetry, and purpose. The man made world, on the other hand, is a perverse realm of ego and envy, where power-mad cynics make false idols of themselves and where the meek have no inheritance because they have gladly surrendered it to their idols in return not for lasting glory but for an occasional parade, not for bread but for the promise of bread.

A species that can blind itself to the truth, that can plunge so enthusiastically along roads that lead nowhere but to tragedy, is sometimes amusing in its recklessness, as amusing as the great movie comedians like Buster Keaton, Laurel and Hardy, and the many others who knew that a foot stuck in a bucket is funny, that a head stuck in a bucket is funnier, and that trying stubbornly to move a grand piano up a set of stairs obviously too steep and narrow to allow success is the hilarious distillation of the human experience.

I laugh with humanity, not at it, because I am as big a fool as anyone, and bigger than most."

Page 121: "... I was incomplete without a family of close friends. I am no good alone. I need bonds, vows real if unspoken, shared laughter, and people who depend on me as I depend on them."

Page 167: "I love novels about road trips, about characters who walk out of their lives, who get on a bus or in a car and go. Just go. They leave the world behind and find something new.

Page 177: " Loss is the hardest thing, ... But it's also the teacher that's the most difficult to ignore."

... "Grief can destroy you--or focus you. You can decide a relationship was all for nothing if it had to end in death, and you alone. Or you can realize that every moment of it had more meaning than you dared to recognize at the time, so much meaning it scared you, so you just lived, just took for granted the love and laughter of each day, and didn't allow yourself to consider the sacredness of it. But when it's over and you're alone, you begin to see it wasn't just a movie and a dinner together, not just watching sunsets together, not just scrubbing the floor or washing dishes together or worrying over a high electric bill. It was everything, it was the why of life, every event and precious moment of it. The answer to the mystery of existence is the love you shared sometimes so imperfectly, and when the loss wakes you to the deepest beauty of it, to the sanctity of it, you can't get off your knees for a long time, you're driven to your knees not by the weight of the loss but by gratitude for what preceded the loss. And the ache is always there, but one day not the emptiness, because to nurture the emptiness, to take solace in it, is to disrespect the gift of life."

Page 187: "By doing, I learn what to do. By going, I learn where to go. One day, by dying, I'll learn how to die, and leave the world and hope to land in light."

* * * * * * *

Words, just words, but words I wish to remember.

When do you know?

So when do you know you've become who you wanted to be? Do we ever?

Maybe a part of it, is also asking the questions ...

As a youngster, what did you dream of? Who were you in those dreams? What ignited your inner passions? What did you think being an adult, being grown up meant?

I've known for 31 years what and who I wanted to be when I was a 'grown up'. My chosen field of study in college, that dreamed of career, and what I would do after college, fed most of my youth filled ideals of who I wanted to be when I was finally there. And, I hold the belief that even after all that life throws our way, even though we, can and do, change over time, that inner core, those deep felt dreams ... they don't change ... they are always with us.

When in college, I started out with the right major, it was a perfect fit for me. But, I changed it when I kept receiving messages from significant others' in my life that I wouldn't be able to get a job. When I didn't immediately fall into line, eventually their messages evolved into, " Being a woman, and staying in school for 6 to 8 years is wasteful, lazy, irresponsible, and not doing your part". So, although I didn't change my major field of study, I changed the focus to an area that was supposed to help land that 'entry level management' job. The subject area was interesting, but didn't fascinate, didn't involve me, didn't resonate, and, it didn't land me that entry level job either. And, I eventually told myself, I was tired of school, a Bachelor's is enough. I was done. (Now I ask, "Why did I listen to them, why didn't I follow my instincts?" Hindsights a grand thing, isn't it?) Then with wifehood and stay-at-home-motherhood, it all seemed to just slip away. As one of my favorites songs says, "Time keeps on slippin', slippin', slippin', into the future."

* * * * * * *

When do you know you are grown up?

When you get married? When you build or buy your first house? When you get your first full-time job? When you start saving money "for the future"? When you work 90% more than you play? When you can pay all your bills, and pay them on time? When you start accumulating stuff and more stuff? When you have children? When you accomplish all of the above? When you live someone else's dream instead of your own?

Funny thing is, I've done all of that, and through out the entire process of living it, I never felt "grown up".

I feel it now.

* * * * * * *

Way, way back in the dark ages of my college days, I attended an adult growth and development class, we studied Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. My goal from that time forward was to reach the level of self-actualization. I had this view of myself as a someday self-actualized person, one who had reached the ultimate level of development. I would possess an inner serenity, an open-spirit, and peace within myself, with who I was, and life itself. Years and years of work have led me to believe it will be years and years of more work before I will ever reach such an ideal, if ever.

Then as I started really being more and more mindful of all of this, as I started thinking about all of the elders I have known in my lifetime, I began to think, there's something missing here. Have I over romanticized my view of self-actualization. It's been a really really long time since I revisited the study of personality in the context of growth and development.

A quick perusal of a google search listing brought me to some simplified Wikipedia articles on the subject. (I'm lazy, and not in the mood for a complete refresher course at the moment). As I read, I began to remember. Funny how memory works. The visuals and scents came first. The psych class was in one of the old original campus building, sadly it is no longer standing, the classroom was small, gloomy and dark, the air always slightly chill, chalky and dank. The fluorescent lighting was on its last legs, most of the bulbs burned out, what few were left dimmed and flickered more than shed illumination. The desks were permanently bolted to the floor, arranged on three tiers. It was probably once considered one of the larger classrooms in the old days when the land grant university I attended was first built. There were few of us in the room, the 15 to 20 of us in attendance seemed sparse. Our professor (yes it was actually an undergrad class taught by a full professor), was most often seated at the desk along the west wall of the room. He was in his early 50's, bearded, and gentle-faced. His voice was mellifluous, and warm. I perceived him as a truly happy man. He was easy to listen to, easy to question, easy to learn from. It was the final class I took that was completely focused within my original field of study (before I switched to the subject area that would make me more "employable" with only a Bachelors degree.) I was entranced, excited, willing and open to learning then. As he spoke of adult development, and moved through the hierarchy, I remember thinking, "He's there, he has achieved it. He loves this, he loves his life, he's doing exactly what he wishes to be doing. I want to be there. I really really want it."

Anyway, back to Maslow, and his description of self-actualization.

"As a person moves up Maslow's hierarchy of needs, eventually they will reach the summit—self actualization. Maslow's hierarchy of needs begins with the most basic necessities deemed "the physiological needs" in which the individual will seek out items like food and water, and must be able to perform basic functions such as breathing and sleeping. Once these needs have been met, a person can move on to fulfilling the "the safety needs", where they will attempt to obtain a sense of security, physical comforts and shelter, employment, and property. The next level is "the belongingness and love needs", where people will strive for social acceptance, affiliations, a sense of belongingness and being welcome, sexual intimacy, and perhaps a family. Next are "the esteem needs", where the individual will desire a sense of competence, recognition of achievement by peers, and respect from others. Some argue that once these needs are met, an individual is primed for self actualization. Others argue that there are two more phases an individual must progress through before self actualization can take place. These include "the cognitive needs", where a person will desire knowledge and an understanding of the world around them, and "the aesthetic needs" which include a need for "symmetry, order, and beauty" Once all these needs have been satisfied, the final stage of Maslow's hierarchy—self actualization—can take place.



As I reviewed the material...I thought, "Hey, I'm almost ready, been there, done that. Oh, oh, wait, maybe not. Somewhere along the way, I began to lose my balance, and fell off the ladder." I am getting divorced, so even though I've stumbled my way through most of the needs, even though I climbed most of the rungs of the ladder of the hierarchy in this life I've led, I've also taken several steps (or leaps) backward. Especially when it comes to my safety and esteem needs. Surviving a bad relationship, surviving controlling people, and most of all divorce, has a tendency to do that to a person. Friends keep reminding me that I don't have to worry as much as I do about my 'safety needs", but, man oh man, it's really hard not to right now. Aside from the fact that the current state of my country has most of us wondering whether we will retain our property, or our jobs.

Onward with my thought processes though. Due to the tinges of melancholy that often affect me (somewhat of an understatement...yes?), there are times when my sense of belongingness needs, and my esteem needs feel unmet, BUT, when I am feeling rational and able to view my life without the bruised fragility of melancholy, I do realize I've met most of those needs as well, or, have at one time. I have love in my life, I love and am loved, (even though I may be completely confused when it comes to primary love, *I liked the way sixdegrees labeled it that in a comment on my last entry*) I am blessed, truly blessed with love in my life. I have a small number of very good friends. I am damn good at what I do, and have been in every job I've held since my career was kick started 1o years ago. I may not always be the most organized, but when I am on task, and my brain is firing, I can almost see the sparks flying, and then, most especially then, I love what I do.

So, if I am ready to accept I've met most of the lower order needs, then I have to ask, "What about my cognitive needs, and aesthetic needs?" Those fluctuate, the aesthetic seems so easy, I am always thirsting for beauty, and I find it everywhere. The cognitive...eh...a bit more difficult...there I think depression, age, physical condition, and stress play a large factor, my mind wants to go there, but I tire, I don't retain information like I used to, which I find extremely frustrating. I've always wished I were more of a left-brained individual, wished for a brain that was rich with the talent for memorization, a memory that pulls forth information instead of the way mine pulls out colors and emotions. Alas, that just ain't in me.

Back to my ultimate goal, self-actualization, Maslow's definition strikes the proper chords within me.

"People that have reached self-actualization are characterized by certain behaviors. Common traits amongst people that have reached self-actualization are as follows:

• They embrace reality and facts rather than denying truth. (I deny and deny at times, but eventually face up to it)

• They are spontaneous. (I've been accused of this my entire life ... so ... eh ... maybe not something I reached, but now I revel in it, so there is a difference)

• They are interested in solving problems which may include personal problems or the emotional conflicts of others. (Oh, I am definitely there!)

• They are accepting of themselves and others and lack prejudice. (Accepting me, this changes on a daily basis, depending on the amount of sleep I get, and most especially on the level of physical activity I have been engaged in,*yep that includes sex too*, but I am growing there more and more ... eh ... at least I think I am ... this may relate back up to embracing truth ... and I really really do think I am ... at least most of the time, about most things ... ah the insanity of it all!)

"... Qualities expressed ... independence, autonomy, a tendency to form few but deep friendships, a "philosophical" sense of humor, a tendency to resist outside pressures and a general transcendence of the environment rather than a simple "coping" with it."


I admit, I am soooo not there yet, but, when I turn my face skyward, I can see it, taste it, smell it, and feel it. I'm getting closer ... closer to ... to ... ya'know, I'm still really not all that fond of the connotation of the words "grown up", so ... eh ... maybe ... I'm just gonna stick with feeling more accepting of myself, my life, more serene, content, and happy.


~Maslow's theory is of course not the only theory of human development, but the romantic in me has a decided preference for his definition of self-actualization.~