I've written a lot, but, I can never seem to hit the publish button. It's all been a mishmash of thoughts, with nothing really concrete coming through. I've insulated myself from just about everything these past weeks, family, friends, coworkers, blogs, email, current events, you name it, I've been hiding from it. My distance has really been noticed by my coworkers, I can't count the times someone has stopped by my office and said, "You've been awfully quiet. What's going on?"
My reply has usually been, a shrug of my shoulders, and a "Not much.'
When what I really want to say is, 'Too much, I can't take it all in, I don't know what I'm doing anymore, I'm finally letting go of so much old stuff, stuff that's held me back for so long, letting go of so many old fears. Or, maybe, it's that the ending of one part of my life is so close, and the possibilities in front of me are just too much for me to contemplate. And this new person in my life has brought something into my life I don't understand. Something I didn't expect, didn't want, and I don't know what to do with it, except just live through the moments and hope, hope, hope I realize what I really want, without reverting back to the old me. The old me who desperately tries to keep everybody happy. The old me who feels like it is a selfish thing to want me to be happy."
But no matter how much I try to hide, life goes on.
The divorce?
NOT OVER YET...close, but no cigar.
My attorney, myself, and my financial planner worked on a 2nd revision of the settlement agreement last Thursday and Friday. No news so far of whether it was accepted or not, and still no report from the mediator (I paid her $350.00 an hour so she could lose her notes?)
My children?
Some slight (that's an understatement!) disappointment on my part there as well. I found out that Miss Chels stopped going to school...yep...she dropped out...no job, no school, just boyfriend...lots and lots of boyfriend. Alex is working, he is going to school, but is very close to failing two classes...not because he didn't know the stuff...Oh No! His test scores were some of the highest scores in his classes! It was because he didn't read the syllabi for those two classes, and missed doing many of the homework assignments. GRRRRRRrrrrrrrrr!!!! Of course the main thought running through my brain is....WHAT DID I DO WRONG AS A MOTHER???????
Me?
Let's just say my emotions are running in the extremes. There's lots and lots of vulnerability, and massive amounts of confusion. Most especially regarding my own out of character and really stupid behaviors in recent weeks. For instance, I drove home completely toasted one night not long ago, barely made it home by the way, and was full of self-recrimination for days afterward. I still wonder what the hell I was thinking...but then I tell myself...I wasn't thinking! Because I have been indulging in (or maybe the word is abusing) alcoholic beverages in rather large amounts of late.
The Holidays?
It's taken me several weeks, but I think I've finally found some of that ol' Christmas spirit. I bought and decorated a tree, purchased gifts and wrapped those gifts. It's the gifts for my loved ones that accomplished the raising of my spirit. I love to give gifts...gotta say...I kinda like receiving them too...but mostly it's the giving that gives me the greatest joy. I will miss not preparing our Christmas Eve feast, and the one on Christmas Day as well. But, on the positive side, if the weather holds, I will be spending a portion of Christmas Eve with a dear dear friend, someone who has given me more gifts than he will ever know. The icing on the Christmas Cookie will be at our family Christmas celebration. I'm gonna see my baby brother for the first time in almost a year! (one of those almost family estrangements that worked out...love helps heal so many wounds)
The conclusion?
I'm still not ready to examine all that I'm doing (and not doing) right now. When the thoughts start trying to break through, when all the grief I have been holding off for the past two and a half years comes knockin' on my heart I don't let it in. I don't wanta grieve over lost loved ones, a lost marriage, lost friends, a lost lover, I know I have to, I know it's all gonna hit me soon, but for right now, I just don't/can't allow it. I feel too vulnerable, too bruised, too broken to handle that much grief. Occasionally I feel the brush of my dear friend S cross my soul, hear/feel his words of wisdom, and I miss him so damn much, (funny isn't it...how we sometimes don't realize how important someone is to us, how much we love them until they're gone?). I tell myself, I'm really screwing up in every direction these days, but, even with all of that, there are some moments when I feel bliss, some moments when my smile is real, some moments when I feel loved. Those are really good moments.
I think, no, I know, this Christmas, will be a happy one, and if anyone still reads this blog...
I sincerely wish you all a very very very Joyous Christmas (Chanuka for you Jac) filled with the warmth of love and laughter.
