Thinkin'

Wedding Day

Been lots of stuff floating around in my head these last few days.

A friend recently asked me, "So Ms. Delight, now that you are divorced, what are you going to to do with the rest of your life?"
My reply, "Uh, I have no clue."

But, I do have an inkling.

Two years ago, I told a special someone, that in my heart of hearts I knew I couldn't really make any plans for a future loving relationship until I had lived on my own for awhile. Until I had created a life for myself. I've come to realize, I still believe it. Don't get me wrong, I think there is room for both, creating my life, and loving, but I also know, it's gonna take me awhile to get there.

I'm still coming to grips with the fact that it's all over. I am divorced. But, life does go on, and, I'm starting a new journey. Still lots of fears going on inside me, but, mostly, these fears have to do with me failing to create goals, and then living them.

Funny how something small, seemingly inane, can sometimes get our minds to focus.

That something arrived in my email inbox a few days ago, something I've received innumerable times in the past, but this time... a few of the items got me to thinkin' and askin' myself questions, (yeah, yeah, I know, I'm always asking myself questions, but, now, I'm trying harder to stay focused on finding the answers).

It's been said many many times, "timing is everything". 'Tis true.

Paula Redmon Satran wrote the following in 1997.

By 30, you should have:

1. One old boyfriend you can imagine going back to and one who reminds you of how far you’ve come.
2. A decent piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in your family.
3. Something perfect to wear if the employer or man of your dreams wants to see you in an hour.
4. A purse, a suitcase and an umbrella you’re not ashamed to be seen carrying.
5. A youth you’re content to move beyond.
6. A past juicy enough that you’re looking forward to retelling it in your old age.
7. The realization that you are actually going to have an old age—and some money set aside to help fund it.
8. An e-mail address, a voice mailbox and a bank account—all of which nobody has access to but you.
9. A résumé that is not even the slightest bit padded.
10. One friend who always makes you laugh and one who lets you cry.
11. A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill and a black lace bra.
12. Something ridiculously expensive that you bought for yourself, just because you deserve it.
13. The belief that you deserve it.
14. A skin-care regimen, an exercise routine and a plan for dealing with those few other facets of life that don’t get better after 30.
15. A solid start on a satisfying career, a satisfying relationship and all those other facets of life that do get better.

By 30, you should know:

1. How to fall in love without losing yourself.
2. How you feel about having kids.
3. How to quit a job, break up with a man and confront a friend without ruining the friendship.
4. When to try harder and when to walk away.
5. How to kiss in a way that communicates perfectly what you would and wouldn’t like to happen next.
6. The names of: the secretary of state, your great-grandmother and the best tailor in town.
7. How to live alone, even if you don’t like to.
8. How to take control of your own birthday.
9. That you can’t change the length of your calves, the width of your hips or the nature of your parents.
10. That your childhood may not have been perfect, but it’s over.
11. What you would and wouldn’t do for money or love.
12. That nobody gets away with smoking, drinking, doing drugs or not flossing for very long.
13. Who you can trust, who you can’t and why you shouldn’t take it personally.
14. Not to apologize for something that isn’t your fault.
    
15. Why they say life begins at 30. (gonna change this one to 49 ~grin~)
    

* * * * * * *

Even though this ending of my marriage still has me feeling very sad, there is also another part of me that is feeling little tendrils of excitement. I have choices to make. Choices I would never have had the opportunity to fully embrace just five years ago. Choices I wouldn't even be considering if my marriage had not failed.

There are a couple of different ways I can approach this major turning point in my life.

I can view myself as a failure. I can bemoan the fact my marriage failed, I can take a look at my life and monetary balance sheet and see lots of lack. I can look at my kids, and say, I failed as a mother, because, they're not "out there achieving" in the way I think they should be. I can look at myself, and say, I failed, because, I didn't achieve all I think I should have. I can look at everything that's happened in a negative way.

Or.

I can tell myself I have these new opportunities, these choices, because, my marriage is over. Yeah I failed, but I also tried, we both tried, we failed, it just didn't work. I learned from that. I'm still learning from that, (I hope I'm learning better ways to love, slowly, but hopefully I will get there).

I have choices, because, my children are grown now (even if they don't act like it), but, I gave them my best, and it's their turn now to make their own decisions.

I have career choices, because, I was a stay at home mom, and used those years volunteering in a wide variety of arenas, (I just achieved in a different way than the plans of my youth). I have career choices, because, I have ten years of career (field) experience behind me now.

So...yeah, OH YEAH, I have decisions to make. Some major, some minor, and, frankly, even though I have no idea what I will be doing next month, let alone next year, when I allow myself to, there are moments when those little tendrils of excitement have me smiling.

* * * * * * *

*Blogger note: The Belgium job was gone from the job listing the day after I posted that entry, so I didn't go for it. I'm still pondering moving in a different direction career-wise, but, with the divorce final now, I keep thinking more and more about building a house and creating my very own tiny nature preserve here on my little 12 acre oasis (thinking about the future of my aging parents plays into that decision as well). Decisions, decisions. This day, I'm kinda leanin' toward building the house, and then deciding on my career future. As to the rest, it's still one breath, one moment at time.

**I also bought a goat...you should too!

Decree

Petitioner. Respondent. by Counsel. Dissolution of Marriage.

There has been an irretrievable breakdown of the marriage of the parties, and said marriage should be dissolved.

IT IS THEREFORE ORDERED, ADJUDGED AND DECREED by the Court that the marriage of the parties is hereby dissolved...

ALL OF WHICH IS ORDERED this 15 day of January, 2009.

* * * * * * *

Words, words that jumped out at me this morning as I scanned the document delivered in this morning's mail.

I've known since Tuesday.

I didn't know what to do with the knowledge then. I don't now.

On Tuesday...
I thought I would get drunk that night...I didn't.
I thought I would spill gallons of tears...I didn't.
I thought about driving to the Lake and finding my own kind of closure...I didn't.

Today...
I read through every page, even though I knew every word contained therein, I felt as if I had to.

Then, I took out the photo album that houses my wedding photos, as I leafed through the pages all I thought was, "We were so young."
I don't know what I expected, maybe that it would help...it didn't.

Still numb.

Leona Lewis - Better in time
by gupekmopa

It Ain't All Bad

Random notes to remind myself that no matter how often I try to convince myself otherwise, life can be pretty OK sometimes.

There are days when I feel as if my entire life is one humongous mess...but then something happens to allow me to prove to myself that I'm just not as bad as I try to convince myself I am.

I did another presentation tonight...the subject was one I am far from expert on, but gotta say...I FREAKIN' ROCKED! And, I have the audience evaluations to prove it! I always read audience evaluations with a feeling of trepidation...but these were filled with great responses, and who am I to argue with them? Of course I also know that one of the reasons why I feel so good right now is strictly because of the presentation, and the rush of adrenalin I always get from a job well done.

I've been exploring job opportunities of late, I've come across two that have really sparked my interest. One is here for our local city government working with teens. The other is in Belgium...which is the main reason it sparked my interest, and in my own little area of social services...although it is working for the military in a civilian capacity...which would be the downside. It's time for me to decide if I am serious about moving on, and if so, then I need to get my resume updated.

I have a very very early meeting with my attorney tomorrow, and I'm feeling alright about that too, which is weird, I usually get very sad right before our meetings, but, I am reaching the point where I WANT THIS DIVORCE DONE!

And, maybe I feel good because I've only had one drink tonight...a record for me of late.

Reminders to self...

#1) My life is what I make it. So, even though I am a mass of confusion when it comes to love and relationships, and I eventually have to really examine my feelings in that area, I also know I have to make those decisions for the right reasons, I'm not going to rush anything. I'm finally learning to give myself the time to do what feels right...for me.

#2) Don't forget this feeling, don't forget that I am good at some things, damn good!

#3) Drink less.

A Fool I Am

Honesty. Truth.

Two things I keep saying are what I seek in this life.
In the seeking, I first must be honest with myself.
It ain't pretty, it ain't easy, in fact it fucking hurts, but I'm tryin'.

Torn.

A New Year begins...

but, it doesn't feel like a new year to me yet.

Photo title: The Old Moon in the New Moon's Arms

I haven't made any resolutions, and have no desire to do so at this particular juncture.

In recent days, like so many others', I've attempted to revisit the important occurrences of 2008, (those important to me anyway). As I looked backward in time, I found I also had to revisit 2007, because by early 2007 I had finally reached a turning point, and, the true beginning of this stage of my life. A particular date on the calendar just isn't how life is lived.

In my attempt to place all that has happened this year, to place my memories of important events in their proper perspective, I had to ask myself the one question that helps keep me grounded.

"How important will this be in five years?"

As I examine each event, each memory, so many times the answer is, "VERY IMPORTANT".

As I review the past, a past I sometimes have to force myself to see with a much clearer eye than I had at the time, I also find myself looking forward...toward a future that had/has so many variables effecting it I find the dreams almost impossible to visualize. Some dreams, not long ago, I tried to visualize, was somewhat successful, but I'm too wounded, and too cowardly, to try to live them. Other possibilities are only that, vague possibilities. What I always see though are choices.

Life really is all about choices.

So many choices are made in the (roughly) 393,120 minutes the average adult is awake each year. The majority of our choices are simple, mundane. But, some are life changing. Some are agonized over. Some are made and regretted. Some are made and celebrated joyously. And, so it goes.

I've made choices.

Choices that I at times find it hard to believe were made by me (or who I used to think I was). Choices made that carry so much emotion attached to them. Choices made that will reverberate through me to my last breath. Choices made out of pain. Choices made out of love. Choices made out of fear. Choices made that I will question for the rest of my life, but, they were made, and I must live with them. Choices made during a quest. A quest I've thought of as a search for my truths. A search for dreams, happiness, peace, love, contentment, and knowledge (of and for myself and others, or so I thought).

Choices made.

Mistakes made.

Love given.

Love received.

Forgiveness sought.

Life lived...

the best I know how.

* * * * * * *

I was given a small, delightfully silly toy as a Christmas gift. As I sat playing with the toy, the following was said by my sister to her daughter, "See Gabi, Neverland exists. You don't have to grow up completely."

I am a grownup. I know this because grownups have to live with the consequences of choices made, no matter how much we may regret them. It all counts, there are no do-overs, rarely are there second chances, no matter how much I may wish there were. But, even though I'm a grownup, I fervently hope a part of me is always able to find Neverland.

It's a new year filled with new choices. I wish myself the heart and wisdom to make better more honest choices.

To everyone else I wish you the above, as well as beauty, light, love, joy, peace, learning, warmth, good health, and so much more.

I wish you a little piece of Neverland.