After our first few sentences, I actually started taking notes during the conversation, I didn't want to forget any of the important parts, because it really shook me up, more than I would have imagined. I have no idea what to think, what to feel. I am hopeful, yet that hope is tinged with disappointment. I had to ask myself so many questions once I hung up the phone and had time to reflect upon our conversation.
* * * * * * *
The conversation...
"Mom?"
"Hey, Son! Where are you?"
"At a hiker hostel about 30 miles from Springer."
"How are you?"
"I'm great, better than I have been in years, in fact, I'm elated."
"Mom, I'm coming home next week."
"Why next week?"
"Because, I've found out what's important to me. This isn't. I know it sounds like I am quitting, but I don't think I am. The trail will always be here. I know where I need to be right now, and it isn't here. I need to be spending time with you, with my sister, and with dad, especially dad?"
"Why especially your dad?"
"Because I don't know him."
I couldn't help it, I immediately teared up when I heard that.
"Mom, are you alright?"
"Yes. Are you sure this is what you want to do?"
"I've spent these past 8 days thinking of nothing else, and the last few days talking to a lot of people. Most of them couldn't believe it when they heard I was missing my sister's graduation. They said I was being selfish, I told them I talked to her about it and she didn't care. Several told me I would be sorry if I missed it, it's a once in a lifetime occasion. One guy asked me, what's most important to me right now. I thought about it, and I do feel selfish.
I have been selfish."
"You've been selfish for a really long time now babe."
"I know, I wrote in my journal, selfish hurts."
"How do you feel right now?"
"I'm sunburned and happy, happier than I've been for so long. Although I am worried about my ears, they're pretty badly burned."
"Put some aloe on them. Are you journaling all of this, your thoughts, your feelings?"
"Yes, I still have some things I need to reconcile, but I found out most of what I needed to find out."
"That's what a part of this trip was about."
"It was a really expensive way to find out."
"That depends. It depends on you, and what you do when you come home. It depends on whether these changes you want to make, the way you feel lasts. If it does, then it was a bargain, babe. But, if you slide back into depression, if you end up living like you have for the past year or more, then yes it was expensive. But, I will tell you this. If you come back, and end up sliding backward, I am going to buy one of those long swimming pool noodle things, and I am going to beat you with it."
He laughed, "Do it, and then say Springer Mountain. Because that's part of why I feel so good, I did it! I climbed it, I made it up to Springer, what I couldn't do before. I did it, and it was beautiful, the most beautiful view I have ever seen."
"They say there are even more beautiful spots along the trail."
"Really? They would have to be phenomenal, Springer Mountain is amazing."
"Mom, I feel like talking for awhile, is that okay?"
"Yes, go on, I have all the time in the world."
"Mom, will you make me a list. A list of all the repairs you need done on the house?"
I laughed, "That's a really long list, and anyway, I can't afford them all."
"I can help with that, some things can be done really inexpensively. I've seen some really great decks while I've been down here. I think I could make ours better."
"It could definitely use some sprucing up."
"Son, are you sure?"
"Mom, I have made lists in my journal, so many. There're things I need to make up for. I need to help dad more on the farm. I need to help you. I need to con dad into going fishing with me...if he will. I want to keep hiking, all summer, just I like I would be if I were still here. I want to get the motor cycle license I've been talking about for so long. I have a lot to think about, decisions to make about school, and a lot of other things."
"Okay, I think I understand. What was the trail like? How far did you walk each day? Did you meet many hikers? What are the shelters like, did you use them, or camp outside them? Did you see any bears?"
"Wow, hold on...the trail is great, easier than I thought it would be. I was doing about ten miles a day, I set a pace for myself, one I knew I could keep up all day, it worked, though I was exhausted each night. In fact I walk further than most of the other hikers, not that I walk faster, but they seem to stop a lot more often. I ran into the same guy off and on over the days, we would talk. He had an encounter with a bear at one of the shelters, in fact from his description, it sounded exactly like the behavior of bears that stalk, hunt and kill humans, I think he was really lucky there were other hikers around, or he would have been seriously hurt."
"Oh no! I guess he was lucky. I wonder what they do, do they report the location of the bear, its unusual behavior?"
"I think so, don't know though."
"The shelters are full of mice, last night, I left my socks on top of my hiking shoes, and the mice chewed a hole in each of my socks...just my socks, they didn't get into my pack or anything else, really weird."
"They must like the taste of your feet."
"Anyway, Mom, I will tell you all about it when I get home, which should be around Thursday, I have to hitch a ride back to Gainesville, it's the closest bus station."
"Alright, but Son, if you change your mind, decide to stay on the trail, or go somewhere else for awhile, just let me know...okay?"
"I will, I love you mom."
"I love you too, and hey, get some aloe vera gel for your ears."
* * * * * * *
I sat in the chair thinking over our conversation for well over an hour...trying to understand. My emotions are mixed. I am happy for him, surprised this epiphany of his occurred so quickly, but I also understand that sometimes it really can happen that way.
But, I also wondered, is he just home sick, and isn't willing to admit it? But, then I think of when he went to Japan in 2004, granted he was only gone for 16 days, but he didn't want to come home, he loved it there, he wasn't homesick at all. All of these wonderful feelings, plans, goals, that are filling his mind, they are very real to him now, he is full of new found self-confidence, and self-belief, but, will it last once he returns home?
I also had to determine why I was so disappointed he wasn't staying on the trail longer. I had to question, how much of this adventure of his was really my way of vicariously fulfilling my own dreams? Is that why I feel so much disappointment? I have to be honest with myself...it is.
But, I also wish he would give it some more time. He's there already, why not go for it? He could stay out for another two weeks and still not miss his sister's graduation. I know it would cost him more money. But, I don't know, I just don't think he gave it enough time. But that is me. I am so unsure of what do or say. Do I tell him I think he should continue for a few more days? Do I track down the hostel he is staying at and voice my opinion? Or, do I stay out of it? Is it detrimental to tell him, or more detrimental to not tell him? This is his decision after all, his life.
When I told my mother, and sister, they were thrilled he is returning home already. Why aren't I? His dad feels the same way I do, why not stay another week or two? I think we are both fearful this is just another way of taking the easiest path. GRrrrrrrrrrr! I JUST DON'T KNOW!
This child, actually both of my children, have me literally pulling my hair out at times.
But, I also wondered, is he just home sick, and isn't willing to admit it? But, then I think of when he went to Japan in 2004, granted he was only gone for 16 days, but he didn't want to come home, he loved it there, he wasn't homesick at all. All of these wonderful feelings, plans, goals, that are filling his mind, they are very real to him now, he is full of new found self-confidence, and self-belief, but, will it last once he returns home?
I also had to determine why I was so disappointed he wasn't staying on the trail longer. I had to question, how much of this adventure of his was really my way of vicariously fulfilling my own dreams? Is that why I feel so much disappointment? I have to be honest with myself...it is.
But, I also wish he would give it some more time. He's there already, why not go for it? He could stay out for another two weeks and still not miss his sister's graduation. I know it would cost him more money. But, I don't know, I just don't think he gave it enough time. But that is me. I am so unsure of what do or say. Do I tell him I think he should continue for a few more days? Do I track down the hostel he is staying at and voice my opinion? Or, do I stay out of it? Is it detrimental to tell him, or more detrimental to not tell him? This is his decision after all, his life.
When I told my mother, and sister, they were thrilled he is returning home already. Why aren't I? His dad feels the same way I do, why not stay another week or two? I think we are both fearful this is just another way of taking the easiest path. GRrrrrrrrrrr! I JUST DON'T KNOW!
This child, actually both of my children, have me literally pulling my hair out at times.
