Thankful

I was thinking of what I am thankful for being that we here in the U.S. are finishing up our long Thanksgiving holiday. The day itself was a rather different one from what my family is used too, we did not host the family gathering as is our tradition...and to quote my daughter.."this Thanksgiving sucked!" It was a bit more chaotic than she is used to. But during the long drive home I did realize several things I am thankful for.....

My son volunteered to do the driving that night, and we were all sort of zoning out, just listening to music relaxing. When I started thinking about what I do when driving at night. The car quiet, many thoughts flicker through my brain, so I asked my son what he was thinking about....expecting the first answer I got...which was...."nothing really".....so I said...."oh c'mon what are you thinking about".....his reply.............

"Wellll, I was thinking about the terminal velocity of humans"

"The what?"

He then proceeded to lecture me on terminal velocity....which I found very interesting but can't seem to remember now.

Anyway, I realized how much I love him...how much I love the way his mind works....and the comments from his sister in the back seat...were just so perfect .....and she knew what he was talking about....which made me feel so totally ignorant.....but still very happy to have these two wonderful people in my life.

But eventually we each quieted down again, each to our own thoughts, and for some reason I started to realize how much more content I am now with so many aspects of my life....there are still areas I am not...but on the most part....and this is in part due to some of my online friends.


In recent months I have become.....if you will...pen pals (email pals) with several people. One of my pals and I have exchanged mail on a variety of subjects but they all seem to center around our beliefs and perhaps are allowing each of us to examine our inner selves in more detail...what I am finding is that when I examine my life from a superficial viewpoint I do not see a lot change occurring, or at least not the type of change I think I seek.

But when I read what he and I have exchanged and truly examine some of my own thoughts in black and white.....I find that I am succeeding in finding me, in nurturing the me I have always thought I used to be or could be.....

And in finally being able to see that I have achieved some small steps toward what I consider self-actualization...I can even find moments of contentment with my now, and find myself able to enjoy my moments in the present without having to visit the past to review my mistakes or look toward a future so very different from what I have thought my present is.

In some of our exchanges, we spoke of how the past and future feel to each of us.....my reply to him.

"As to the past/present/future....the past cannot be changed, the present though affected by the past is open to interpretation, and too often becomes the past before I am ready, whereas the future is full of potential if I choose to seek it out."

When I read my reply to him in his reply to me....I realized I have thought of myself still buried under an avalanche of fear.....but though it is much slower than I would like, I truly believe I on my path to a future open to possibilities, I no longer feel stagnant, I no longer feel as if I am allowing life to pass me by, but that I am moving forward.,

"Everything we experience whether good or bad can teach...if we allow it...I choose to learn."

The above also was written in response to us sharing some of our life experiences....experiences that many would find very sad. But again when I thought of my response to the horrible things that happened to me a child, to some to the choices I have made as an adult that I am....ashamed of.....I also allowed each one to teach me more about myself, I allowed myself to grow.

In writing of relationships he wrote:

"My thought is that it is a particularly nice thing to know that there

is someone out there who thinks fondly of you once or twice during the course of

the day, and it would be even better if one were able to find and make a life with

that person. Perhaps I just wax notstalgic for that ideal of a caring and sharing

relationship. "

I of course being rather wordy replied:

"I am not sure it is nostalgia as much as it is a need for us all (or most of us) to have a significant person in our lives...someone who smiles warmly when they think of us. Someone who is as anxious to hear about our daily happenings as we are to hear theirs....someone that we want to tell our daily happenings to, someone to laugh with us, cry with us, moan and groan with us. I know that I have moments when it would feel like pure bliss to be able to walk into the arms of someone I love, and just being in the circle of their arms would be a balm to the soul, to soothe away the stressors of the day. Someone who creates an ache within me, a desire to just be in their presence, to reach out with a touch and to know they want that touch from me.. As you so aptly put it...caring and sharing....."

He replied:

"Your second paragraph conveys what I was trying to describe much better than my

own attempt. You obviously "got it". It would be nice to come home to someone

who doesn't mind listening to you bitch about the day at work, and you don't mind

listening to them...to have a conversation about the events of the day in the wider

world...to just sit down and share dinner."


For so many years I kept people at a distance, whether they be family or friends in an attempt to hide my inner pain, my contempt for who I thought I had become. In the past year, and in recent months especially, I have allowed more people than ever before into my life, I have shared my pain with them, and they have shared their pain with me....in that sharing....I have relearned a valuable lesson...we become who we are not just through our own struggle, our own efforts, but also because of those people who we allow inside to see the "real" us.

I want to say to Thank You to all of my wonderful online friends who even though some of you may not know it, you have helped me to grow into the being that is me.