Monday Funk...

Today was one of those days, it didn't seem to matter what I attempted to do, I would end up breaking, spilling, tearing, tripping, stuttering, or just plain doing it all wrong.

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Reflections

There once was a girl...

Who was that girl?

There is a woman...

Who is this woman I have become?

Questions.

I turned 50 one week ago.

It was a wonderful day, and a sad day.

Not sad because I am 50.

The age thing...isn't bothering me. Surprisingly.

But the day itself.

I had expectations.

Expectations I hadn't realized I had, until...they didn't materialize.

Thus, there were at times, during the day. unexpected tears welling up deep inside.

Tears that I questioned.

Tears.

but there was also

Laughter. Hugs. Love.

The laughter, hugs, and love part...that was good, very good.

The tears...oh...they really shook me.

Until I shook them.

The feelings that engendered them...really surprised me.

In the beginning...such strong feelings of desolation, isolation, to the depths of my being such a feeling of loss. Loss? Of what? My life today, is as I have chosen it. Why such a feeling of loss?
Eventually there was understanding... of a sort... and finally acceptance.

Due to allowing the feelings be... what they needed to be. The tears be... what they needed to be.

I opened myself to all of it for the first time in such a long, long,long time.


That day, one week ago, was my Birth Day.

I realized how far I've come from the ohsofrightened woman I used to be.

There is much, so very much I still wish to change about myself.

But, there is much I have no desire to change.

I have a power within me that I did not have even five short years ago.

I have a sensuality that was not in the younger me.

Age has its benefits. To this woman anyway.

I look forward to this next decade of my life.

I am still a mother, will always be. But there is so much I no longer am.

I am more than I used to be, so very much more. I love that feeling.

A very good friend of mine turned 60 last month. She told me with such a huge smile, that 60 is sooooooo much better than 40 or 50.

I believe her.

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The School of Life

RULES FOR BEING HUMAN

1. YOU WILL RECEIVE A BODY.
You may like it or hate it, but it will be yours for a lifetime.

2. YOU WILL LEARN LESSONS.
You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called LIFE. Each day in this school you will have the opportunity to learn lessons. You may like the lessons or think them irrelevant and stupid. But, you will have the opportunity.

3. THERE ARE NO MISTAKES ONLY LESSONS.
Growth is a process of trial and error: Experimentation. The "failed: experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiment that ultimately "works".

4. A LESSON IS REPEATED UNTIL LEARNED.
A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can then go to the next lesson.

5. LEARNING LESSONS DOES NOT END.
There is no part of life that does not contain its lessons. If you are alive, there are lessons to be learned.

6. "THERE" IS NO BETTER THAN "HERE".
When your "there" has become a "here" you will only search for another "there" that will again look better than "here".

7. OTHERS ARE MERELY MIRRORS OF YOU.

You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects some thing you love or hate about yourself.

8. WHAT YOU MAKE OF YOUR LIFE IS UP TO YOU.
You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you.

9. YOUR ANSWERS LIE INSIDE OF YOU.

The answers to LIFE's question lie inside you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.

10. YOU WILL FORGET ALL OF THIS.
You can remember any time you want.

From "Rules for Being Human" by Cherie Carter Scott

For me, 6 through 9 are the lessons that have/are taking the longest to learn.

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Searching...

Stumbling along, at times feeling lost, I know the path is there, it's a sandy one, I'm barefoot, I can feel the smooth grains of sand between my toes, but, I can't see the path, it's hidden, my guide star dimmed by the clouded night sky, I keep moving, my steps slowing, faltering, telling myself go slow, don't hurry, you will arrive when you are supposed to, hoping the small glowing lights in the distance will be enough light to keep me going in the right direction.

But...but...what if they aren't enough...what if...what if...what if...

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Random Bits of Me...

There've been many thoughts and emotions /pulsing gently through me of late, a stray thought or feeling that has left me thinking, "I really need to journal this, I need to examine it more deeply."

But, I haven't taken the time.

I 'm quite content (most of the time) with my life right now. Even though, there is nothing of major import going on, just life.

My life...

I work, I like my work, many days, I love my work. I feel useful, productive, needed. I have affection for even the most difficult of my clients, and am quite pleased I'm able to offer them something that makes their live's better.

I like my home now. It's not a pretty or fancy one, it's a 30 year old mobile home, but, its mine. Plus, I love the land, the location, the scenery, the place itself. I'm showering the house and land with my affection, my time, it's my hobby, my pastime, my home. It's changing almost daily, and it felt really wonderful when Alex told me, our house "feels like home now." My free hours are usually spent working in one of the flower beds I put in this spring, or checking out the new growth in the vegetable garden, chatting with one of the kids (sometimes bitching/venting at them, I am their mother afterall).

For a while this spring, I kept looking at my life, and asking myself, "What's so different about my life now? How am I holding onto this wonderful sense of contentment ?"

It's not what I do, or how I do it. It's me deciding to accept and live each day the best I can. It's being loved, and loving. It's realizing when things really seem out of whack...it's the hormonal highs and lows of menopause. It's taking a deep breath and letting go.

So, nope nothing really special going on in my life. I just living it the best I can...today...with thoughts of tomorrow thrown in on occasion.


Thoughts regarding tomorrow...

A few days ago, I was discussing how working with the aged and disabled has changed my viewpoint toward life, living, death and dying. Words cane out of my mouth, words thatare hard for me to believe came out of me. But, I said them, and they felt/feel true. "Not long ago I was afraid of dying, didn't want to contemplate dying/or aging, because there 's so much I've always wanted to do, see, learn. But, I don't think I feel that way anymore. It's really weird. Since my divorce, I've come to realize I have the freedom to do whatever I want, maybe not the finances, but I do have that freedom. The thing is, it doesn't scare me anymore that I may not get to live my long ago dreams. I may not do all the things I've always wished, but it's my choice, my life, and someday, anyday, it will be my death. I'm OK with the thought that a lot of my dreams won't be realized. For the very reason it's my choice."

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LIfe is Messy, but I'll Live.

I've had a lot of little stressful things happen of late that would be so easy to turn into small catastrophes.

Going back to my old house to get some of my things was not a good day, it was an experience I sincerely hope is never repeated. It was a good reminder though, of exactly why I left my marriage. A needed reminder.

I've also found out I have to orthopedic surgery on my left elbow, there's a growth, (I'm thinking positively and have decided it's just calcium deposit caused by an injury) between the ulnar and the medial epicondyle (if I'm remembering correctly), and also a fluid filled sac above the lateral epicondyle which also has some white bits floating about in it. Rather painful, and prone to swelling whenever I use my arm, which is often since I'm still painting the house. Anyway, my best option seems to be an incision along the side of my elbow so the doctor can remove both of the icky bits at the same time. Followed by some rather intense physical therapy to keep the joint from freezing. Sounds a bit unpleasant to me, but something I gotta do if I want full extension of my arm, which I do.

There's lots more little things at work, and extended family stuff that I've been allowing to keep me feeling stressed too. I seem to let it all build up until I find myself mired in misery, dealing with some very negative feelings

But, if I remember to take a deep cleansing breath, or two, or ten, and then remind myself that I'm in control of how I feel. And, to tell myself, the bad feelings just aren't worth holding onto. Then, I let them go. I'm definitely a self-talker. Once I acknowledge what I'm doing to myself, then I may even begin chanting, "Let it go, just let it go. Let It Go." It works, this way of telling myself, to just get busy, and fix the problem. My way of showing myself, I'm strong, I can handle whatever it is, I can do it, I will survive and go on to face another challenge be it big or small. It's all really so much more complicated, and has taken such a long time to arrive at this place, than these simple words can impart. But, I'm really proud of myself for finally achieving the ability to do so.

It hasn't been, and isn't, easy to remember to let it all go at first. Being able to recognize the feelings has been a big step. Determining, and then, accepting the reason behind the feelings, has been an even bigger step. It may take me several hours at times. Hours when when I let frustration, fear, sadness, hurt feelings, or even anger build and build until I'm lost in all the negativity. I may end up growling in frustration, or, letting a few tears flow, or ask myself, "Why me, why now?", whilst bemoaning my fate. I may even reach a point when I begin telling myself, "I can't do this, I can't." But, eventually I get to the reason part, and the understanding part, and then...it's all good, even the bluest of blue feelings will depart. And, then, I know I'm gonna be OK.

It all boils down to something so simple.

Reminding myself of what's important, and what's not.

When I do that.

I'm happy.

God! That is so amazing to be able to say. Life is still messy, it's always gonna be. That's life. But, I'm feelin' pretty freakin' happy in my messy life!

Spring's arrival has helped...bunches...but...the optimistic side of me isn't gonna give the season all the credit...it's me and my ability to let the negativity fly away, finally knowing I can handle it, that's a big part of it too.

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Doing Instead of Trying...

“I’ll try” means “I think I can't.” That's why trying doesn't accomplish anything but trying. Rather than try, do it!
~Lester Levinson~

A Quote from Today's Daily OM



"There are many ways that you can serve the world. Imagine the impact we would have on the environment if we picked up one piece of trash off the street everyday and chose not to drive our car once a week. Even gardening tactics such as throwing wildflower seeds onto a vacant lot can brighten the lives of others – including the lives of birds and insects. Everyday, you can do something to make this world a better place."

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