Farming

I'm becoming a farmer, not your usual kind of farmer though.

I've kinda been a farmer all along. But, I didn't do any of the work. I rented the ground out to another real farmer.


I found a USDA farm program that is going to pay me grow wildflowers! I love flowers! Someone is going to pay me to grow them!  Amazing!

I was so excited when I placed my bid...imagining my backyard filled to the brim with lovely lovely blooms, butterflies, bees, maybe even quail! 

My imagination was running amok.I didn't think about the work involved in creating all of that beauty. I mean, yeah, I researched  it, I knew it would be a lot of work. Special rules to follow. I knew there will be no beauty the first summer,  I've grown small patches of wildflowers before, I know it takes a few seasons to get the flowers established, the first summer it will look like a field of weeds. But I also know, that as year two comes around the beauty will arrive. 

But...then...I won my bid. Oh My Gosh! Oh My Gosh! 

The ground  is bordered by forest, there will be thousands of tree seedlings I will have to remove each spring, acres and acres of seedlings removed singly, by hand! The flowers have to be mowed each fall. I have 5.33 acres of  tillable acres. Doesn't sound like much does it? But when I stand in my backyard and look over those 5+ acres while thinking of having to mow those 5.33 acres each fall, then my breath stops for moment and my heart falls into my stomach.

There needs to be buffer zone between the wildflower habitat and the forest. Which means I have to clear a strip of land all around the field that is at least 20 feet wide, a strip of land that is currently filled with young trees and shrubs.

 In three years I will have to disk one third of the field, and continue to do so for two more years. All the while searching out and pulling 5.33 acres of tree seedlings.

I am an immediate person, I often begin a new project thinking I must have all the tools necessary immediately.  So, I started pricing the machinery that is required. Gulp! That's when I really began to worry. Thinking, oh my, oh, oh my!  I will need a tractor, a flail mower (still not completely sure what that is), and a cultivator, tiller or a mechanical something that will disk portions of the soil for me.  I freaked, completely freaked when I started pricing the machinery. So costly. Definitely will not be buying new. I've already determined that when I get to the tractor buying stage, my  tractor will most likely have been built in the 40's or 50's, anything newer is many thousands of dollars!

Once this all became reality, not just a pretty dream, I really began to worry. Asking myself, "How am I going to do this! I  am a mechanical numskull!  I can occasionally fix my small lawn tractor when it breaks down, but most of the time I rely on a very good friend to fix it with me. Yet, I'm going to buy a really old, very used tractor and other miscellaneous machinery??? Who, me? "

In the blink of an eye, I had myself in a frenzy of self-doubt. So full of doubt I had to get a grip. I had to say,"Hold on girl! Who says you can't hire someone to do the first spraying, cultivating and planting this spring. Who says you can't rent the equipment the first year? You?  Then you need to step back and think logically."

I have somewhat gotten a grip on my wild frenzy of self-doubt. I still have the tendency to think I must do all of this by myself. I still lean toward the need to buy all of the machinery now. But, I also know, I can do this. I will do this! I will make mistakes. I may even screw it up royally!

But...

I kinda like these dreams. I imagine how the field will look in 2 or 3 years, and I smile. I dream of looking out my back door and seeing, breathing in, acres and acres of flowers. Big smile.

More dreams... I think of flowers, and think...bees. Bees? I dream of  learning how to be a beekeeper, and selling honey. Okay, I'm still not thinking completely logically. Let's tone down that dream a bit. Hmm, how about allowing a beekeeper to place hives along the perimeter and me having a share of the honey? Yum! Wait, wait, lets not put the thought completely away. I could raise bees. Sure I could. At least, I know I'm not allergic to bee stings, that's a good place to start? Right?

After three years of being on my own...eh...not married, I'm still not used to making decisions without consulting someone else. Its all me now, nobody else can tell me they've decided for me. The biggest change in adjusting my thinking, in learning I don't have to fight anyone for for what I want, is realizing that I have to trust myself. This takes patience. I have become slow to make decisions. I mull them, stew them, mull them some more, mire myself in what ifs and self doubts. Eventually I get there. So slowly. The decisions are not  always the best ones, but, they're my decisions, my choices. It's all on me.. I can live with that.

Each day that passes I come closer to fulfilling my dreams. I'm taking baby steps instead of the giant leaps I once thought I would take. I am learning to let time take me where it will. I'm still impatient with my patience, (though some would call it procrastination). When I slow my thoughts down, when I allow my worries to float away on a cloud. I know my someday will come. My little dreams will become reality.

Something that will never change. I will always question. So, once every so often I have to take several deep breaths, let them out slowly,calm my thoughts, and then I can continue along my path...only next year it will be a path filled with wildflowers. Big, big smile!

Bully

I hope with all my heart this documentary will be watched, will touch souls, and most importantly,

...MAKE A POSITIVE DIFFERENCE...

Beauty

Elderly Animals: Photographs by Isa Leshko from Mark & Angela Walley on Vimeo.

Today's Economy

A man walked into a pharmacy and was observed wandering in a rather confused way up and down the aisles.

The sales girl asked him if needed help.

The man responded by saying he was looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

The clerk directed down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later,he deposited a huge bag of cottonballs and a ball of string on the counter.

The Clerk, confused, said, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

The man replied, "You see,it's like this. Yesterday, I ask my wife to pick me up a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rollingpapers. Saying, "It's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper."

So, I figure if I have to roll my own, so does she

self-protection

"You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness."
~Jonathon Safran Foer~

Who I Am

Creating, becoming, always taking in what those in my life give to me.

*******

These gifts from others, they are great, if only we accept them.

Each encounter we experience helps create who we are.

If we let it happen.

*******

I.

I am learning to accept these gifts.

Slowly.

*******

So much pain we bring into our lives.

Do your remember time as a child?

Each day was a forever day.

As adults we wonder not where the days have gone but where the years have gone.

They are here with us if we arise and come out from under our interminable searching.

If we make the decision each day is a blessing.

*******

Have you ever ask yourself who you most admire?

Now go further.

Then ask yourself why do you admire them?

The answer brings us so close to who we really are.

When we see what we admire, we see what we are searching for.

If we are open to that search.

We create, we become.

*******

For what seems like forever I have searched for the perfect me.

There is no perfect me.

There is only the me I create.

The me I am becoming.

The me I will forever become.

On My Knees

Until a few days ago, I don't think I've ever really considered the question, "What would bring me to my knees?"

In my own ambigous way, I am a spiritual person.

I've prayed to, thanked, ranted at, questioned, and ignored my ambiguously thought of God(s) many times in my 50 plus years on this earth.

But no person or event, nothing, has ever literally brought me to my knees.

Not until last Sunday afternoon.

A phone call from my mother, to tell me my youngest niece had been taken to emergency room because she had cut her wrist attempting suicide. I felt for the briefest of moments as if my entire self had shut down. We talked for a few more minutes, I then called my brother, father of my 14 year old niece, I spoke with him almost calmly only slightly teary, I spoke briefly with my niece, she replied she loved me too when I told her I loved her.

We hung up.

I was seated in a rocking chair, slowly, ever so slowly rocking back and forth, barely breathing.

The words, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no echoing in my mind. Wanting to go there, to see her, hold her, cry with her. But, she had said no when I asked if I could come, my brother had said they wouldn't let me see her anyway. I'm here I told her, I'm here I told him.

I've had other family members injured terribly, other family members near death. As is part of life, I've lost friends and family. I at times did not believe I would escape the divorce process emotionally whole or healthy. I've experienced wonderous things in my life that brought offerings of gratitude from my heart, from my lips to my God.

But...

Not one time did I fall to my knees and beg my God over and over to help.

Not until Sunday.

After those few moments of begging I withdrew to somewhere deep within. There is a part of my heart that is holding its breath unable to come up for air. Not just yet.

Her mother committed suicide 13 years ago, this makes her daughter ever so much more fragile.