Tuesday, May 29, 2007

How?



I stood under the moon tonight, thinking..........

I don't know how. I don't know how to do this.

How do I to tell someone something they do not want to hear? How do I tell someone something that will tear their world apart? How do I tell someone that the life they have known, the only life they have said, had meaning to them, has ended? How do I tell someone something that will fill them with so much pain? A pain so agonizing it hurts to breathe, a pain that envelopes the heart until it feels as if it must stop beating, because no heart could feel a pain so intense, and survive it.

How, how, how.......

Knowing they have not prepared themselves for this inevitability?

I feel the pain, I am full of the pain, I have felt it seeping into me, through me. But, I am prepared, I have lived it so long. I have let it fill me, until I did not think I could hold anymore. Yet, I have not ever purposely given it to him to hold, I kept it, I held onto it, I tried to protect, until I no longer have that ability.

Destroying someone's dreams.

Is that what I am doing?

To live my own?

Lonely, lost, heart full of tears, cracks and crevasses appearing, filling with tears.

I might just be a sinner that wants to be saint; one justifies the reason; one understands the pain.

Will he ever understand? Will he see that this is truly for the best? Will his heart ever heal?

Will I?



Tonight

If I had weakness, you sure found it tonight,
Some hidden desperation you saw floatin' in my eyes.
Moments just like these, baby: wrong can feel so right,
An' I don't wanna go home tonight.

I've held it all together long as I can.
There's pieces of me fallin' right into your hands.
Don't the lies come easy, baby, when the truth just ain't worth the fight:
No I, I don't wanna go home tonight.

So lay me down easy, hold on tight,
Tell me I'm the only one you see tonight.
Lonely woman, lonely man:
There's just some things only lonely understands.

I might be just a sinner who wants to be a saint;
One justifies the reason, oh; one understands the pain.
And I don't know what's wrong, baby, and I sure don't know what's right,
But I don't wanna go home tonight.

So lay me down easy, an' hold on tight,
An' tell me I'm the only one you see tonight.
Lonely woman, lonely man:
There's just some things only lonely understands.

~Sara Evans~

13 comments:

Fiona said...

How? By just doing it. By not dragging it out. By laying down the facts. It's not easy, these things never are. Something is being changed, forever. But that time has come. The time to let go. Noone has the right to chain another into unhappiness.

The alternative? Continue to live a lie. Continue to exist instead of living.

These things aren't meant to be easy. If it was easy, there'd be nothing there. And there is. Perhaps friendship can remain, you share the parentage of two wonderful children, you will be tied together by that for eternity. Nothing should change that part.

But there comes a time that you need more, he needs more (even if he's not honest about that), and you won't find it together.

History is never erased, you have years of a life spent together. Now you will years of separate lives, linked by friendship.

I feel for you, I agonise with you. I care.

Fiona said...

"Now you will HAVE years of separate lives, linked by friendship."

I need to remember to proof before I send :)

freebird said...

I can't think of anything to say that will help except that, as Fi has just said to me, you are not alone. Hug for you. x

LePhare said...

The truth often hurts, but it better than living a lie. Take a deep breath, be strong, and say it with care and understanding.

Several times I've been the giver of bad news and it's never easy. Hope it all goes well for you.

IanS

All of her Secrets said...

I just did this...yes, he was so hurt...he told me that he didn't have a choice in his future, that I made the choice for him. That is crap..he KNEW things weren't right and he didn't step up to the plate to help fix it until it was way too late and I had no feelings left for him. I had to finally say that to him to make him understand that this was over..I told him that when I looked at him, I felt nothing. There is no way for me to get that back...then he understood. Its been much harder on him than I, but so far its ok. We have developed a friendship..and so far, its working. Hugs

Sunny Delight said...

Fi,
You are so right! If it were easy, I would not be me, nor would I have stayed as long as I have. You know my decision, I have told you already. I needed to get the feelings out, it hurts to have to cause pain to him, yet, I know this is something I must do! Thank you!

FB,
Thank you, and I am thinking of you at this time too....hugs back.

Ian,
Yes I too have imparted bad news before, but never something like this......but it is a lie now, and I cannot continue, moving forward, where ever that takes me, is the direction we both must travel. And I will take your advice to heart. Thank you.

all of her secrets,
Yes, I heard something similar when I told him that I was going move out....he said, "I feel like you are making me do something I don't want to do."

I had no response, this time it was/is for me, and my children, I must hold onto that thought, as often as I need to.

I hope we have the opportunity for us to someday be friends, way back when.... we were friends first....and its nice to read there is a chance for that to happen in the future. Hugs.

Fiona said...

Sunny, your compassion needs no explanation, it is an integral part of who you are. I know you will do this with love for your husband in your heart, and in the best way possible. Your strength and courage is inspiring. Big hugs.

deb said...

My girlfriend whom I have mentioned before had the same problem. Her husband was unable to understand why she was leaving, which is why she was leaving. She didn't want to hurt him but knew he would be hurt. He will be hurt but you have no control over that, really you don't. And you can't destroy the dreams of another, only they can do that to themselves.

So many people believe that what they feel is a result of what other people do but it's just not true. What we feel comes from within, we have a choice with regard to what we feel, so does your husband, he just doesn't know it.

Will he ever understand? Maybe not but it's his life, he can choose that road, the blaming others in an effort to not look within.

Sending you a hug.

Miranda said...

I agree with all of the above. It's tremendously hard....remember though, that by not hurting others you're hurting yourself more.

Good luck with it all.

X. Dell said...

Hmmm. It's not easy relating bad news. I'm assuming that you have to relate this bad news, and that you have to relate it for this other person's benefit. If so, there's not really a graceful way to do it, that I can think of.

Depending on the situation, I suppose you could prepare someone for the bad news. By delaying it, you might mitigate some of the hurt, because it might not matter so much down the road.

However you do it, I don't envy you.

Snowqueen said...

Sunny,
Better to live a life of truth than a lie. The fact that you do not want to hurt him is a testament to your integrity and compassion and to the relationship you had. Best wishes.

Sunny Delight said...

Fi, Oh! I hope I can do it compassionately, but I also have to be stoic in this, and that means coming across as cold and uncaring...sigh

Deb, I know you are right, but so much of this marriage has been based on the premise that my behavior directly affected his happiness and even his dreams for the future...or so he has said, over and over. But I know I have to do this with courage, compassion, love, and honesty. I must walk away from all of this, feeling as whole as possible.

x.dell, Yes, I must tell my husband that I have filed for divorce, and he has not reached the point yet, in which he has even considered that I would take that step. So it will come as a shock to him, and I have no predictions of how he will bear the news.

snowqueen, Thank you, so much learning over the years, so many years spent hiding true feelings, or not understanding on both sides, it is well past the time to stop hiding, stop living the lie, and move on.

.

Fiona said...

Not necessarily cold and uncaring. There is a part of this which is factual and that part is delivered as such. But it doesn't mean there aren't emotions attached because there are. But for just a moment there, you need to get the facts out. But I can't ever imagine you as cold and uncaring. Nope.