*This entry is focused upon my children...they have their many faults...as do we all...but this night...I choose to view them with the blurry eyes of pure motherly love.
Miss Daughter, was in the show ring day before yesterday, ably and gracefully dealing with some very large nervous, and frightened animals. Her largest steer weighed in at 1,416 pounds, yet not once did she allow him to get the best of her, even though there were other animals in the ring out of control.
The show is over for another year, tomorrow she will say good bye to one of them, as she parades it around the auction ring...the culmination of over a year's hard work. By this time every summer, she is burned out with all the work she has put in working and training these huge gentle beasts. My lovely 17 year old "Punk Rocker", will have a small vacation, and then start the process all over again in a few short weeks. She often states how much she hates it, but I only had to see her taking the time to teach, and give aid to the younger showmen at the fair, to know she does take pride in this facet of herself.
She is a young woman of such varied interests....the more piercings the better...is one of her mottoes. She is a a budding artist (her dream job is to work her way through college as a professional tattoo artist/piercer), at times she completely revels in the mosh pit at the local punk rock dive. Like her brother, she devours books and movies of every genre, and can wax quite philosophic at times. The walls of her bedroom here are adorned with many of her favorite quotations. There is rarely a song played on the radio that she cannot sing the lyrics to, she mothers and counsels her friends, always there to give a hug, or a word of encouragement, along with an occasional "What were you thinking?", she is a problem solver of the first order, views the world in a most logical way, (when her teen hormones aren't in charge). Then there is the farmer side of her. She has a talent with animals that I marvel at, they respond to her in a way I have rarely observed in any other person.
I am often awestruck that this amazing girl, is a child of my loins. A young woman, of whom I know, without a doubt, will grow into a most wonderful, strong-willed and stunning woman. Oh, she has her faults, as any teenager does, there are, and will continue to be days...weeks...when I wish to strangle her. She has shown me many times in the past eight months, the hell a teenage girl can put her parents through. But when I observe her from afar, (the best times are those she is unaware of), my delight in her, who she is at her core, knows no boundaries. She is the beauty of youth finding her way into the world of adulthood.
Mr. Son, a young man who lost his way, somewhere during the last few years. I have feared for him for many, many months, wondering if he had inherited my penchant for depression, (and, yes, I think he has). He is a young man of vast intelligence, who has come to question that in recent years, during high school, he was quite arrogant in the knowledge that he was of high IQ, but somewhere along the way, he began to doubt himself, to doubt his abilities. He has wallowed in those doubts and fears for quite some time. He does indeed take after his mother.
In recent years, I have worried, and been disappointed in the waste I saw residing in him, in his lack of will to truly explore his passions. He has his dreams, some of which he shares with me, and some of which he does not. He too, has many talents at his disposal, he explores those talents in his own way. For many years he used charcoal to express his art, then for a few more, it was the lens of a camera. He writes beautifully when he allows that part of himself to be expressed. I have come to believe, that once he reaches what he believes to be the pinnacle of each talent, he moves on. He seems to then come to a point, in which he feels fulfilled in his explorations, and then, has to ponder, mull, and percolate what he will try next.
In recent months, as I have had the opportunity to learn again, this young man, that is my son, I have come to realize, he has a way of looking at the world we inhabit, in a sensitive, hopeful way. The cynicism of his generation is with him too, but that hope is still there, though ofttimes buried deep. What I have recently found delight in, is that he looks forward to the next Presidential election, he looks forward to casting his vote for those he opines will best lead our country out of this latest morass of ineptitude.
He seems to be journeying through to the other side of this most recent episode of depressive inaction, at least I have that hope. He was a placid, though happy baby, an ever questing toddler, a delightfully imaginative and very active young boy. But along the road of growing toward manhood, his faith in himself came close to being shattered. I do not know all the reasons why, although I do have a suspicion or two. My eyes are slowly opening, as are his. He has made a few very small strides toward a new dream. It has taken me some time to be able to see that within him. I am one who often moves too quickly, one whose mind jumps too far ahead at times. But, when I slow down, and listen to him, truly listen, I begin to remember how he works. This is young man who ponders long, before he makes a decision, wavers, and wobbles before he is ready to make a move. He has sometimes taken a plunge before he was quite ready, because he sensed our high expectations of him. What I hope I have come to realize about him, is that he will get there, but as his own speed, not mine. My faith in him, in the kindness of his heart, in his abilities will never leave me. I am saddened that he has been lost for so long. I am saddened that I allowed my own inner woes, and, what I thought of as his need for me to let him go completely, keep me too distant. He has been a wonderful pillar of strength for me these past few months, with just a few words he has been able to point out to me, that, yes, I have faltered, and wobbled myself for years, but that I had good reason. Most importantly, he has shown me honor, he has shown me...me...in his own very special way.
Mr. Son, is still wandering a path with an undefined destination, but I will not give up on him. I will not lose sight of the man within that loves to learn for the sake of learning itself. I will not lose sight of his heart again. I have hope for him. He knows that.
The most wonderful thing of all about these two beings, two beings of such different temperaments, is that they are the best of friends, almost always there for the other (they are siblings after all, gonna be some strife between them). My hope, my wish, my dream for their futures...is that they always will be...there for each other...through thick and thin, through the heartbreak and triumphs of living. My hope is that they each will find their passions, and follow their dreams.
A mother's hope.