Sunday, August 19, 2007

Thoughts to Ponder

Cool, fat drops of rain came splashing down upon me. Shocking me back into an awareness of my surroundings, interrupting my thoughts.

Each individual droplet felt with an intensity that surprised me, as my dusty, sticky, perspiration covered skin soaked them up. When I looked down upon my legs astride the mower, I could see the outline of each individual raindrop as it broke through the layer of dust covering me. I reveled in the feel of each cool splash. Small goosebumps rose as the accumulation of water began to run in rivulets down neck, my chest, my arms, covering my legs in a small brown gleaming rivers. Skin that had felt sticky with the salt of my perspiration, skin that felt gritty with the dust which the mower had filled the air with, now felt cool, refreshed. I turned my face up to the sky, eyes closed, smiling, laughing, suddenly feeling lighter, my spirit effervescent.

* * * * * * *

I had been mowing for several hours, eyes gritty, nose soon clogged, no longer able to smell the scent of fresh cut grass. My ears filled with the sound of the mower blades cutting through grass, body vibrating with the continual roar of the engine. My mind had filtered out the ever present noise though. Instead, I had spent those hours with so many varied thoughts, thoughts that at times seemed to make no sense, as they would filter through to my consciousness.

So many questions. They would land for an instant, then fly away, as another quickly filled the space. For the first few hours, I tried hard to concentrate on the task at hand, but soon, it was just too much of a monotonousness, growling, turning, reversing, vibrating ride.

* * * * * * *

Questions, so many questions flitting across my consciousness.

* * * * * * *

Is this the place I want to spend the next few years? Do I really want to spend so much of my leisure time working here? Building, improving, gardening, planting, pruning, raking, maintaining...mowing?

Where else would I wish to live? In a city? My city? Another larger city? Could I afford it? Would I like it? Love it? (Images of late night city streets filled my mind. Images of museums, restaurants, bars, galleries, unusual boutiques, cafes, and multitudes of people flickered across my mind.)

A subdivision? (That answer came quickly...A resounding NO!)

My dream spot? A small lake front cottage somewhere? But where? I used to dream of Wisconsin. No, I am not that fond of the cold. The Cumberland area of Kentucky? Again no...too many memories of post-retirement plans with my soon-to-be-ex. Maybe a mountainous region of the Carolinas? Hmmm...a future road trip to check it out. Or, along Lake Michigan? Nah, again, I would have to deal with the cold.

* * * * * * *

Am I still a good mother? Not so sure anymore. Too many things happening, that I have not dealt with in a consistent way. Am I wrong to allow them both this much freedom to experiment? Am I encouraging irresponsible behavior? Am I giving enough of myself to them, or too much? Have I let go too quickly? I do look forward to next year...with the hope that I will be living alone. Is that wrong? Too far into the future...just get through this month, this week.

* * * * * * *

Will my soon-to-be-ex be a problem as time moves on? Why aren't I saving more money? It should be easier now, I need to create a livable budget now that that a temporary settlement has been reached.

* * * * * * *

I wish I could hear my MP3 Player, music would be really good right now, too many thoughts, too many questions.

* * * * * * *

What is love, can it truly be defined? I can define the love I have for family and friends. But, romantic love? I seem to have a very difficult time defining that one.

So much is involved when I attempt to define that one.

At its most basic, it is a giving of my love-filled heart to another. I know I love unconditionally, at least I think I do. What is love? Do I love in the best way? How do I know? Will I know? Will I ever find a concrete definition? How do I love? Freely? Is it freely? How I have loved in the past? Did I wish only for their happiness? Was there any selfishness in that love? Yes, I know I have always wished for their happiness. I have always had a wish for the people I love to find those things in this life that bring them passion, peace, joy, a contentment within themselves. Is that enough?

But there is more. I know there is. Am I somewhat selfish in my love? Am I truly capable of giving love without some selfishness involved? Maybe not, because, when I love, I also want to feel loved in that selfish?

Perhaps I am selfish in my love. For, I do want that love returned.

These thoughts on love, romantic love? What do I want?

Oh...back up, not ready for that question yet.

Slow down, think this one't want to...I'm too unsure yet.

Am I at a point in which I can give my heart completely? No, I don't think I am quite capable of fully giving my heart into the hands of another, I lack complete trust, complete faith that it will be cherished. I'm not ready to take a full risk of my heart being crushed just yet.

What about the idea I once had, that a friend would make the best lover? Would I be satisfied with that? Do I really want to think about all of this now?

* * * * * * *

God, I'm horny, it's got to be the vibrations I'm feeling from the mower. (Images of making love then filled my mind. Images of lips, fingers, skin, bodies bared to each other, touching, so much touching.) Oh, I want to be touched, caressed, the need continues to grow each day, each hour. I miss touching, being touched. I miss sensing him walking up behind me, feeling his hands as he runs them up under my shirt. I miss feeling his body pressing against my back as he hugs me from behind. I miss feeling his fingers slide into my blouse, floating over my breasts, as he lightly flicks his fingers across my nipples. I miss his fingers lazily stroking across my skin. Do I miss him, or touch itself? What is it that I miss? Really? I miss...I miss being desired...I miss being wanted...I miss being thought beautiful...I miss being craved, and craving...I miss that all encompassing feeling of complete intimacy. I miss him sucking on my lower lip, I miss the erotic feel of my lips slowly, gently, gliding across his.

* * * * * * *

Then the rain began, my skin came alive, as thunder trembled off in the distance.

Many thoughts, to ponder, to wonder about, but not tonight.

I need a shower.


Fiona said...

You are in such an amazing place right now Sunny. And it comes through so vividly in all your posts.

The rawness of it all. The fear-excitement of it all. The possibility of it all. It's exciting. I know you have trepidation in your heart.

But when I read your posts it's all so real. So honest and open I could hear the perspiration dripping down your body. So borderless and unchained, I can feel the shifting of your soul.

It's really quite amazing to read your words right now. They take my breath away.

Anonymous said...

It's not wrong to want to launch your children into the world. I want to be alone as well. I think it's our age, kind of like puberty, a time of great change.

As for love, who knows? The only thing I do know is that there are no guarantees. I tend to throw myself, whole heartedly into things and I often get hurt but I don't want to change that part of myself. I like my passion.

Horny. What can I say? Get laid. Try a vibrator. Sex is no different than any of our other bodily functions. We give sex a lot of power over us because it is so intimate, it affects us deeply, sometimes, sometimes it can just be sex. Both are okay.

Nothing is set in stone. The decisions you make today, you don't have to live like that for the rest of your life. You can change your mind at any time and that's okay.

Good luck sweetie.

Anonymous said...

Take a chance.

Sunny Delight said...

Fi, my friend, you praise me way too much...but in my current state of mind...I will bow to your vast wisdom,*VBS* I need all the pumping up I can get!

I am in a place right now...a confused one...not so sure it is amazing...although there are some days that do feel that way...

Deb, I will take that chance...just slowly...hopefully with my heart and eyes wide open. The heart bit, is the hard part though, no matter how hard I try for it not to be.

X. Dell said...

(1) Perhaps it is a blessing that you have so much grass to mow. You apparently have time to think, and you definitely have an added bonus.

(2) Love has come to mean so many things that perhaps the word is useless. A lot of love doesn't really feel so loving (e.g. tough love, feigned love for personal gain, heat, etc.). And a lot of stuff that feels unwelcome (e.g. anger, frustration) really has the concern and care for another at its core.

(3) The previous post on self-delusion is rather interesting. I'm not sure I agree with all the points of view expressed by the quotes. In actuality, we do rely on others for our self-image, for they are the mirrors that reflect us the keenest. If your kids are still plodding through life, no matter how difficult, then they have the tools not to quit. That's the job of a parent. So thinking that you were a good mother or a bad mother might not be as an important as the fact that you were.