After I wrote and posted my last entry...I spent some time in deep thought, evaluating some of the pivotal events in my marriage. With the result that I have arrived in a place I have not truly explored before.
It is my TRUTH...
I have entertained the very same thought many times before, but never truly accepted it.
Now I have.
It was not all my fault.
I must repeat that, it feels so damn good to say it!
IT WAS NOT ALL MY FAULT!!!!!
Maybe, maybe, just maybe...it wasn't even half my fault! For me, that is a grand epiphany of thought!
My marriage didn't fail because I wasn't good enough for him. My marriage didn't fail because I didn't meet his expectations. My marriage didn't fail because I couldn't love him enough. My marriage didn't fail because I couldn't change enough. My marriage didn't fail because I didn't work hard enough at it. (I knew it was wrong from the very beginning...but I tried anyway, in fact, because I felt uneasy about it, I probably tried harder for longer than many would have, to make it work, to NOT FAIL)
In a few hours of just letting it all out, by freely allowing all the thoughts to tumble forth, with no allowing myself to beleaguer each point, just allowing one event after another to spew out, it all came together, it made sense, I didn't feel crazy anymore (well not so much). I was able to come to terms with the idea, that grand efforts were made, whether intentional or not, to create within me doubt, severe doubt in my abilities. Seeds of doubt were planted, nurtured, and groomed to incite within me doubt. Doubt in my capacity to love, to honor, to cherish, as well as to doubt my own intelligence, my perceptions, and my natural abilities.
OK, so I have accepted that. I think I truly have.
Now...what do I do with all of that acceptance? With that knowledge?
I think, I need to learn to revel in me. To fine tune my thought processes. To realize I have many unexplored talents, and then...
Why then, I need to find them, examine, explore, and treasure them. Something I have never, ever done...I didn't realize it until recently, I truly have never....treasured me! A part of me wonders if it is truly possible. Can I? Will I? Am I able to learn to treasure me?
Letting out a HUGE, the HUGEST of SIGHS...
I am not exactly sure how to do that...but...the process is beginning already. I have the hope I will allow myself the time, the space, and the courage to plant new seeds of surety within me...to nurture them...and then...the possibilities are virtually endless! (If I let them be)
* * * * * * *
Blogger aside: A friend sent me this link in an email...some truly beautiful photographs of our world. Take a gander...it is well worth your time.
* * * * * * *