"Honey, at the end of your journey, will you still be somewhere you don't truly want to be?
Risk is part of life. So is failure, even only perceived failure. Believe in yourself. Be what you wish your daughter to be."
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Tonight, I decided to open up my blogsite meter, and noticed a search that had found this blog. That search referred to an entry I wrote back in January. As I reread that entry and the accompanying comments, I thought about how far I have come since then. Not just myself, but my children also. I am not sure about my soon-to-be-ex husband, not sure if he has changed, not sure if he has stopped pretending. I don't think he has, he still has not told anyone but his family members that I filed for divorce back in June.
The title of the blog entry was Shattered Hearts, at that time I was so full of fear, a fear I thought I had finally defined. I hadn't completely, I am not sure I have even at this point in my life. I still have fears...they at times feel overpowering...but each day finds me breathing through most of them, knowing I can continue my journey, knowing I will get through all of this, when I am ready.
For some reason, many reasons, I am not quite ready for what I consider the big showdown.
After rereading Shattered Hearts, contemplating the then thought processes I was attempting to sort through...I come back to the same thought again and again. The thought engendered by Fiona's comment. "Honey, at the end of your journey, will you still be somewhere you don't truly want to be?"
My journey continues, albeit slower than I anticipated. I had much forward momentum in those early months after moving away from our family home. I am moving at a slower pace now, but, I did change my path. I stepped away from the path, that had me ending up somewhere I did not want to be.
The path I am on now, is a new one, it is unfamiliar territory. But no matter where it ends, I do know that changing my path was the best choice for me.
As I watched my children tonight, I came away feeling fairly confident, this new path of mine has been a better one for them as well. They are both, in general, happier than they were just 9 short months ago.
Mr. Son has been battling inertia, depression, and even though the process has been a slow one, he has been making small changes in the way he is living, small achievements, which point him in a direction, I hope, is more positive. In the past week, he has gone fishing with a friend, been kayaking on the river twice, mowed the lawn for me, cleaned his car (it was a garbage bin), and cleaned his room (it was a dumpster!). All very good signs, especially compared to his previous lethargy. He is even excited about helping me at a local festival this coming weekend. ~although I gotta say, I am still a bit more than miffed at him for quitting his job~
Miss Daughter, is also happier, she has an aura of...hmmm...of contentment, she is more even-tempered now, there is a quiet joy emanating from her on most days. She is a teen-ager, and ups and downs are expected, but I sense that she has finally begun to adjust to this life she/we are living now.
Myself, I am happier too, I sometimes forget that, when the grieving overtakes me, when the uncertainties are allowed to take control of my thoughts. There have been many times when I have questioned why I blog, why I have spent my life journaling, but there is a reason, I can look back through time and truly see changes that are for me, difficult to comprehend any other way.
When I read the words I have written in the past, I see the movement toward a healthier me, I see that the journey I have embarked upon was needed. I know there will be many days to come, in which I will again question what I am doing, where I am going, and oft times even ask myself if what I am doing is right and true. But, I have my own words and those who occasionally take the time to comment here, to remind me of exactly why I am on this journey.
It is so simple, when I take the time to look. I do want to learn to believe in myself again, I do want to be like the woman I wish my daughter to be.
Loving, strong, willful, determined, confident, joyful, giving, creative, ever curious, adventurous, and most importantly...feeling free to...just be herself.
The path I now follow is unknown in length, filled with unknown hazards, but, I have to believe, there will be many unknown joys along the way as well. In fact when I think about it, I have already encountered a few of those joys.