Monday, January 21, 2008

Feeling Fuddled


For quite some time now I have felt I have been on a journey. All the while with a simple destination in mind, knowing the trails I travel can be long, and winding. Knowing that I will occasionally arrive at a dead end and have to turn around. But, there are days when the paths I travel seem to become lost in a deep misty fog. I cannot do more than grope along, my hands outstretched feeling my way along, almost lost...but not quite. I have discovered this need within myself to try to live each day as joyfully as I can, and still have the feeling that I accomplished something...whatever my definition of accomplishment is for the day.

There are days when I blithely skip along the pathways, simply seeking to achieve a sense of balance in my life, happy with the various roles that make up my life: mother, social worker, friend, sister, aunt, cousin, daughter, lover, soon-to-be-exwife. Often knowing I am not quite there, but making the attempt with the hope that I will find the balance I seek.

Then one day I wake up and realize...no matter how perceptive I sometimes feel...there are times when the many people in my life befuddle and bewilder me. I listen, I observe. Out of love, caring, or friendship I attempt to give to them the aspects of myself I am able to. I want to be there for them...in whatever they need and I can provide.

But there are times, I end up mired in confusion.

People.

People...CONFUSE ME...at times it doesn't bother me one iota, what is...is. Good, fine, happy me and hopefully happy them.

But there are days when people just plain...CONFUSE ME.

Pets.

Pets are easy.

You give them all the things they need. A clean place to live (fishbowl, cage, bed, house), food and water, medical care as needed, love and attention, and that's it...simple. We provide a clean, attentive, loving environment for them and they seem happy, content, healthy.

But people...REALLY...REALLY...REALLY...CONFUSE me!

Maybe I am just tired. Tired of being a mother, ready to live alone, ready to move on to the next phase of my life...

or maybe...

It's really me, I confuse me.

3 comments:

deb said...

If by people, you mean children, I'm with you.

Speaking with my daughter last night and she tells me that her plan for her future involves "marrying money". We suggested a hockey player, with tongue in cheek, but she said, "no way, those guys are too ugly. I want someone hot and rich."

I bit my tongue, man, did I bite my tongue. I keep thinking, this is her journey. But really, what the hell is wrong with my daughter?

SoCal Sal said...

Just scratch me behind the ear from time to time and I’ll be alright. Well, maybe a belly rub too!

X. Dell said...

I have to admit people confuse me all the time. That's one of the reasons I studied psychology.