I've been feeling blah for days, going through some physical stuff I was hoping was over with, in fact I now may face surgery...not in my current plans...but one option. There hasn't really been anything of note that could get my mind off of my little difficulty, until tonight. A television show of all things did it.
I have often told various friends I haven't really missed television since I moved out here, satellite is just not in my budget at the moment, or the next several months either. But, tonight Miss Daughter brought home Season Two of the Showtime program Weeds. I love it! Its smart, the writing is brilliant, so off the cuff funny, the music score is perfect, all making up a program I will now need to see Seasons one and three of.
This following little scene had me rolling, and I will never look at bananas the same way again!
Andy Botwin: [to 11 year old Shane about masturbation] Alright, listen closely. I'm not going to beat around the bush. Ha ha ha. Your little body's changing - it's all good, believe me. Problem now is... every time we jerk the gerkin, we get a lot of unwanted sticky white stuff everywhere, right? Right. So... First order of business - no more socks. They're expensive, gumming up the works plumming-wise. Now you might be thinking to yourself, "But, Uncle Andy, what do I do with all that pearl jam if I can't spew it into Mr. Sock?" Glad you asked... You can have a lovely time tugging the tiger in the shower each morning - that eliminates the need for a goo glove. But, the day is long, masturbation's fun, so unless we want to take 4 or 5 showers every day, we're gonna need some other options. So let's start with the basics. Tissues. Perfectly acceptable backstop for all that Creamy Italian. They can be rough and dry on such soft, sensitive skin and it can stick to your dick head like a fuckin' band-aid - ouch. From there we move on to more lubricated flack-catchers - specificially, bananas. Step one: Peel the banana. Step two: Slip the peel over your Randy Johnson and start pitching. Now for extra credit, warm up the peel in the microwave. Not too hot! Serious yowza. Also, olive oil, moisturizer, honey, spit, butter, hair conditioner, and Vaseline can all be used for lube. In my opinion, the best lube... is lube. So save your allowance and invest in some soon. Alright, moving on - when you tug your Thomas on the toilet - ffft - shoot right into the bowl. In bed - soft t-shirt, perhaps a downy hand towel of your very own that you don't mind tossing after tossing. There's no such thing as polishing the raised scepter of love too much. It reduces stress, it enhances immune function. Also, practice makes perfect. So work on your control now, while you're a solo artist - you'll be playing some long, happy duets in the future. Ok - class dismissed.
[Shane gets up to walk away]
Andy Botwin: Hey!
[tosses Shane a banana]
Andy Botwin: . Homework.
If you haven't seen this show, you gotta! (even though it is 3 years old, somebody besides me might've missed it)