Friday, March 28, 2008
When I drink socially, with friends, or family, there is always food available to share, to enjoy together. We laugh, eat, talk, eat, joke, eat, drink. We munch and crunch. Together.
It is a sharing, these friends mixed with food and drink, it feels right.
When I drink alone, there may be food available, yet I don't eat. I can even start the evening hungry, yet it gets lost, I no longer feel it. I become numb to food.
Isn't that weird?
There are people in my life, that seem to thrive only when there is drama, lots and lots of drama.
In my observations of them, they seem to only feel alive when each emotion they experience is at full intensity. When the thorns are pricking deeply, when the bead of blood becomes a river. Then they thrive.
Their way, doesn't make sense to me...which I also find confounding, in that I make most of my decisions based on emotion.
Any yet...their way...would feel like a weight to me...this intensity would be an anchor tied to my ankles, I would drown in the utter intensity of it...yet they only seem able to live by breathing in huge vociferous gasping gulps of air, or so shallowly they become dizzy with lack of oxygen.
I cannot live such a life. I need to breathe freely, deeply, easily.
I have been there, in that place, when it seemed I was constantly mired in the depths of despair, or flying high with happiness.
I like my life much better, when it feels even, simple. I may feel sad, I may feel happy, even full of joy, but there is no drama to it, it feels as if it is...just...life...being lived...as honestly as I can.
I wonder though, is that just how I perceive my reality?
Perhaps other's think I live dramatically?
I have created distance in my life from those that I used to be the closest too. My extended family.
In my before divorce life. I could ignore, or leave behind my own pain, to listen to theirs. I would be there for them at a moments notice.
Now, in the midst of this divorce life. I can't do it, or won't do it. It takes more energy than I possess to deal with their traumas.
Someone once told me divorce is perhaps worse than the death of a spouse, because people respect the grief, and the grieving process. Yet with divorce, life is supposed to go on as before, only different. These people who have such need, feel me pulling away, and want more and more from me. I don't have it to give, not right now.
It doesn't work that way. Someone was right. I think it is worse.
I have no body to bury, no way yet to separate the good and the bad memories, no way to fully mourn the death of this marriage. There has been no memorial service, there is no sense of finality, no closure.
I miss...something...just don't know...or...don't want to...think about what it is...whatever it is...that I miss.