Thursday, April 10, 2008

Life in a Nut Shell

Weirdly enough, though life has been rather frenetic this week, even overwhelming at times. I find myself feeling mostly...serene.

Yesterday, Miss Daughter received an OSS...which means...OUT OF SCHOOL SUSPENSION for one day. You may ask why...I know I did. She skipped her last hour...18 times! Why did she skip? It seems she is just too stressed out by the end of the day.

Me, being me, my first thought was ..."It's my fault. I left her dad, I upset her world, I tore apart her family!''

Then, I reminded myself, she started having panic attacks the winter of 2006...they stopped when we moved out. So she may not deal with this DIVORCE thing, in the best of ways...but her home life must be somewhat better. I suppose I could just be making an excuse...but I feel better for thinking of it that way.

One of my sister's friends told her I am nuts for walking away from a 27 year marriage.
Why am I nuts? was 27 years!
I still don't get it.

Last night, I spilled wine on my keyboard...some of the keys stick...some I have to hit the caps lock key to make them lower case, and others I have to use the on-screen keyboard...rather confusing.

Today...and yesterday...and the day before...and the day before that...I told myself I was going to get everything on my to-do list done. Did I? Nah, but I tried.

It was 70 degrees here on Monday, or maybe that was Tuesday...I forget...but, it was warm. Today, if the high was 45 I would be surprised. Grey, rainy, cold, icky, but, ya'know what? It's still spring!

I am tired of switching back and forth between keyboard and on-screen keyboard, so this will be typed as the fingers land. Regardless of whether the shift key works or doesn't work, regardless of whether some keys don't work at all.

It's amazing...I really don't spend a lot of time thinking about the question mark...but when you don't have suddenly becomes important.

I have inexplicably developed an unbelievably itchy spot on the top of my left foot...scratching only seems to make it worse.

I stumbled across a blog today, the blogger posted the song, The Rose, sung by Bette Midler, I'd forgotten how much I liked the song.

Some say love is a river that drowns the tender reed
Some say love it is a razor
that leaves your soul to bleed
Some say love it is a hunger an endless aching need
I say love it is a flower and you it's only seed

It's the heart afraid of breaking
that never learns to dance
It's the dream afraid of waking
that never takes the chance

It's the one who won't be taken

who cannot seem to give

and the soul afraid of dying
that never learns to live
When the night has been too lonely
and the road has been too long
and you think that love is only
for the lucky and the strong
Just remember in the winter
far beneath the bitter snows
lies the seed
that with the sun's love
in the spring becomes the rose

In a few weeks, I will be taking a several hours long certification test. To prepare myself for it, I must read approximately 700 pages of information. I have been half-heartedly searching for music to help me focus, to aid me in my concentration. Which is rather strange, this is a recent occurrence in my life, only been about the last 18 months or so that I preferred music to silence...I used to need complete silence when I needed to concentrate want a rhythmic beat...something soothing...ethereal...but still having a rhythmic beat...not easy to least not for me....if you have any ideas for music, or songs, that follow those guidelines, your ideas are very welcome.

I saw an old woman today. She looked to be about 75 years old. I would have noticed her anyway, as I often spend my time people watching. But, this woman, had me feeling very sad, I wanted to speak with her, I wanted to ask her to join me in a cup of coffee, I wanted to ask her about her life, her health, her family. Not out of any altruistic feeling, not because I thought she looked lonely, but, because she was wearing make-up, lots and lots of make-up. She had her brows colored in with black least 1/2 inch thick in width. Her eyeshadow was a brilliant blue, her lips outlined in deep red, and then a wider slash of the same red across her lips. My thought...she has a sight problem, either Macular Degeneration or really, really bad cataracts. But how do you tell someone they look ridiculous? Maybe, she thought she looked beautiful. Or, maybe I am right, and she just needs a really large magnified mirror.

Much has occurred this week, that should leave me feeling melancholy, work stuff....tons and tons of work far behind. Home stuff, friend stuff, family stuff...all of it not that pleasant when I allow myself to dwell on it. But, aside from the fact that I have been sleeping poorly, I feel pretty good about my life.

Sometimes, it does help to look behind, to see what is in front.

My a nut shell.

yes, I felt the need for some flowers in my life tonight.


S'mee said...

Love the flowers Sunny, so pretty, but too much blue. You are not a blue person. S.U.H.

Sixdegrees said...

I suggest instrumental not vocal music - something that provides some deep stimulation to your brain without being distracted by the words of the music. How about organ music - by JS Bach or others?

Maybe you are (rather, WERE) nuts for 27 years and only now are moving into sanity?

Don't take the blame for your daughter being stressed at school. But do try to figure out, with her, how she can better deal with it. And I know you will.

Don't you know - the point of a to do list is to organize what we need to do. If we were to finish everything on our to do list, we wouldn't need a to do list now, would we!

Phil said...

You are a woman who deserves flowers in her life and probably a nice long, relaxing vacation somewhere warm.

Sunny Delight said...

For some bizarre reason, I have become more and more fond of blue flowers as I age, (I used to visit many primary schools in my previous job,each small town had its own nursery, and each spring, I would stop at many of them, usually buying a flowering plant to add to my flower spring I eventually noticed that everything I purchased was blue. I somehow seem to have developed a fondness for flowers in shades of blue)

I can always use an S.U.H.

Bach is a good choice, I need to buy a few CDs methinks.

I am still nuts, in a way, I kinda hope I always will be, being nutty can be fun. But, what you say is also true, in that in many ways, I feel saner now than I have in years,...which might be a scary they say, if one thinks one is sane, then one most likely is not *smile*

Miss Daughter has been at her father's house all week, thus we have not had much of a chance to truly talk yet, but we will next week, and hopefully hash it all out, find what needs to be done to help her.

My to-do list is unending...the more I do, the longer it gets...but I did get to mark many things off today, and that was a great feeling. Although, at the end of the work day, I started a new one for next week.

Hi! Been so long, I hope you are well.

I do love flowers, deserving or not...I almost bought myself an orchid tonight, but decided it was not a necessity. I need a new keyboard more!

A vacation would be heavenly, it doesn't even have to be a place that is warm!

Deb said...

Blue is for balance, maybe that's what you're finding, a way to find balance in your life.

I just love flowers, I'm still waiting for them to show up here. It's a long winter this far north but it almost makes spring that much sweeter.

Take care sweetie and no you're not nuts for walking away.