Monday, June 02, 2008
Sifitng Through My Mind
I am beginning to feel movement in my life. I am learning (or at least I think I am learning) certain truths I have never really known before. I am beginning to feel life again.
I've come to realize I really, really, really, really do not wish to think about stuff anymore. I want to do, or not do, as the feelings come. I am changing, or maybe, moving on, is a better way to put it.
Some of the stuff on my mind includes...
Blogging...I have been in a transitional phase for quite some time now...it has become less and less important...well...aspects of it...there were times in the past when I blogged because I had readers...I don't think I have done that so much lately. I blog because I need to sort through my thoughts and emotions...even when, or most especially when they make no sense to me...comments from others sometimes help that process, enough about that, I've written it all before.
I don't think about blogging on a regular basis like I used to. When I have the need to sort through something, I write, right now that is enough.
There are a couple of things I have been thinking about doing with blogging. One idea I have been contemplating involves typing out into blog format the journals I wrote for my children. Also pasting the entries written about them here, and another blog. They will then have the old handwritten copies, but, they would also have what's been written since I began blogging. The thought being, they will have them for as long as Google allows us free access to blogging. Or, I could just print the entries out, as well as type up the handwritten journals since my handwriting it barely legible. But if I create blogs for them, I can also add images and photos, to go along with the words...kind of a virtual journal/scrapbook...yep I like that idea.
Sitemeter...I just don't care anymore, so why have it, it only slows down the page loading process for me...so goodbye sitemeter, I don't think I will miss you. Although I gotta say, it was interesting at times to see the words/phrases people search for. Miss Daughter's tattoo has gotten quite a number of hits, as well as the post on emotional detachment (which tells me I am not alone in this world of living life as the emotional victim of another), of course the many quotes, song lyrics, and poetry posted in the archives gets hits as well, but mostly its images that get searched...well on this blog anyway...the sexual content of the other blogs got some really weird hits...makes ya wonder. Anyway...done with site meters.
Guilt...I am done wrestling with guilt...for now...I will never ever be completely free of it...but for now...this moment in time...and I hope for several in the future.... I'm done beating myself up with it. I have been busily trying to poke holes in that black cloud that has hung out over my head for so many years, and it is finally beginning to dissipate, a little bit anyway.
Inner Chatter...I am tired of all my talk, talk, talk...it's time for me to do. I am not exactly sure what all that doing will be, but I'm so very close to being ready to begin. I cannot count the number of times I have said, and/or written "actions speak louder than words", it's true...they do.
People...The people in my life, offline and on. Recently in my offline life, I have really come to realize how important it is to open oneself up. By doing so, I have people opening up to me.
'Tis a wonderful feeling to have someone come to me for support, and to know I can give it freely. It is even more wonderful to have that contact, to see a smile, to receive a hug, to share laughter and tears. A fairly new friend told me today that I am an inspiration to him, my opening up, talking about my dreams, has encouraged him to start doing the same. That moment was a really good moment. These friends offer me so much...when I am weary of talking the talk of divorce and fear they are weary of hearing it...they tell me to keep talking...they tell me they will not tire of it...they tell me they know how important it is to get it all out...they then offer up invitations to lunch, or dinner, or small social gatherings, to show me they are...here...for...me. I had forgotten what that feels like. It feels great!
The people I have become friends with through this online world of ours have aided me so much in this learning-to-open-up process. I know they care, truly care about me, and I care about them. When we have been out of contact for a while I miss them, I worry about them. They are often as mixed up about life as I am, their lives too are filled with their own stresses, some of their own making (just like my own), some not, but even though they are mostly online-only friends, I still care about them, very much. Being an online-only friend can be difficult at times, because mostly we only have words to use to show we care. But I have come to realize, these wonderful people I have come to know, or, am coming to know, are also much much more than mere words. Some do more than offer words of support, some have actively supported me in a variety of ways through these rather difficult times I have been living. One has sent me innumerable gifts to show her affection and support. Another sends an email, or makes a phone call, we met late last summer, and I hope we will be able to have more face to face chats in our futures. A fairly new online friend too sends emails and even a sent me a text message hug on my cell just to give me a smile when I was feeling down. A few others send a small personal email now and then that shows I am in their thoughts as well. I appreciate these beautiful women, I hope they know that. They have shown me exactly how very important it is to have women friends. One of my dreams is to get us all in cabin on a lake somewhere, where we can chat, cook, drink wine, and simply celebrate. Celebrate ourselves, celebrate being women, celebrate our friendship...someday...it could happen...maybe...someday.
There are other online friends as well, other bloggers, all people whom I have read long enough, that even though I don't really know them, I still care about them, I care when they seem to feel blue, or overwhelmed with what is going on their lives. I rejoice with them when something wonderful happens, I cry with them, I laugh with them, I feel their frustrations, their anger, their love, their anguish, their loneliness, I can sense their need for more of...whatever that more may be. I may not always leave a comment, but I read, I feel, and I respond emotionally even though I sometimes am unable to articulate it. There are times when I wish so very hard that I could be there in person for them. To let them know I can listen when needed, I want to be able to offer them friendship, and support. But...not gonna happen, some things have to happen slowly, and some things happen not at all, but even though it is only words, there is true affection behind those words.
There are a few people in my life, that I have been waiting on to truly show me how they feel. I thought I needed that surety, the reassurance, I thought I needed to be acknowledged as important, or no longer important, but I don't. Those are expectations, I don't want to have expectations of others (I do, we all do, but I would rather just live as best as I can, without worrying if someone else is being honest with me or themselves). What is... is...if the time comes when I need more, I will ask for it if I can, if it is not forthcoming then its my choice what I do next...it all seems much less complicated that way. I have also realized some people are just incapable of doing more than talk, words are all they have to offer. There are times when I read or hear their words and find myself closing up because their words do not ring true, or I find myself bemused by the very humanness of their foibles. Bemused by how dramatic we humans can be at times.
Depression...I am putting it aside, I am weary of the blues, I have too much to do, to allow it to run my life anymore. I went shopping on Saturday afternoon. It was the best shopping trip I have had in well over a year. I bought plants; squash, zuchini, egg plant, green pepper, and tomato--several varieties--, as well as two perennials--bee balm and clematis. It felt so good to be able to stack them all in a tray and make my purchase. I spent several hours browsing through the assorted annuals, perennials, herb and vegetable seedlings, another 30 minutes dreaming over seed packets (wishing I had a green house--a very old dream), and reading the labels, more time was spent sifting my fingers through the bulk seed bins, all those lovely seeds. So much variety to choose from. Then on Sunday, I worked in the yard, prepared some flower beds for planting, and sowed some old wild flower seeds I already had on hand, (I also cursed Kiko for destroying the flower vines I had planted last fall...sigh), but it didn't stop me from dreaming of a garden full of maturing vegetables and flowers.
All of this, sifting and sorting in recent weeks and days, has led me to believe that I care again, I have life in me again.
I feel fairly content right now, which seems odd. When I arrived home tonight, I felt bone tired, my mind was full of all the stuff I hadn't accomplished at work, my living room was filled with teen-agers and scrapbooking debris, the trash had not been taken out, the sink was full of dishes, I wanted only to retreat. And yet...I feel content. Weird.