Saturday, September 27, 2008

Awake and Confused

Revised post. I took my blogs offline for several days, running away from my emotions, from myself, from everything. I tried to shut everyone in my life out, thinking I would quiet the emotional storm filling me. It didn't work, I haven't been able to sleep or eat for several days. So, I switched myself back on, trying to resolve my confusion, doing some very intense internal self examination. At this point I have come to only one conclusion that makes sense to me. I am unable to accept that someone loves me for me. I am missing something fundamental within myself. I expect the people in my life to eventually find my flaws and reject me. It works.

4 comments:

Jonas said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mom to the Girls said...

As always... You invoke the passion in me. I want to be fought for, but more than that... I want to want to fight for someone else. Love you Sunny.

deb said...

Sending a hug. I wish I knew the answers but I don't and I suspect the answers are different for each one of us.

Sunny Delight said...

Jonas,
I do not believe lovers can be replaced, that seems like an impossibility to me. Some people do try though, and perhaps all along that has been my biggest fear, that I was a replacement love.

As I have spent time trying to reconcile my emotions, needs, and desires, asking myself some very tough questions. I have found no answers, except one...there is something flawed within me that only I can cure, I have so much work to do and instead of facing it, I run from it.

mom to the girls,
There is passion in being fought for, and in the fighting for the one we love. But what if they don't want to be fought for? What if they are not willing to keep their hearts open, what if we only cause them deeper wounds? I don't have the answer, I do know my entire being is infused with sadness at my inability to trust.

deb,
In my search for answers I lost someone very precious, I keep telling myself I will survive this, but today it doesn't feel so.