I haven't made any resolutions, and have no desire to do so at this particular juncture.
In recent days, like so many others', I've attempted to revisit the important occurrences of 2008, (those important to me anyway). As I looked backward in time, I found I also had to revisit 2007, because by early 2007 I had finally reached a turning point, and, the true beginning of this stage of my life. A particular date on the calendar just isn't how life is lived.
In my attempt to place all that has happened this year, to place my memories of important events in their proper perspective, I had to ask myself the one question that helps keep me grounded.
"How important will this be in five years?"
As I examine each event, each memory, so many times the answer is, "VERY IMPORTANT".
As I review the past, a past I sometimes have to force myself to see with a much clearer eye than I had at the time, I also find myself looking forward...toward a future that had/has so many variables effecting it I find the dreams almost impossible to visualize. Some dreams, not long ago, I tried to visualize, was somewhat successful, but I'm too wounded, and too cowardly, to try to live them. Other possibilities are only that, vague possibilities. What I always see though are choices.
Life really is all about choices.
So many choices are made in the (roughly) 393,120 minutes the average adult is awake each year. The majority of our choices are simple, mundane. But, some are life changing. Some are agonized over. Some are made and regretted. Some are made and celebrated joyously. And, so it goes.
I've made choices.
Choices that I at times find it hard to believe were made by me (or who I used to think I was). Choices made that carry so much emotion attached to them. Choices made that will reverberate through me to my last breath. Choices made out of pain. Choices made out of love. Choices made out of fear. Choices made that I will question for the rest of my life, but, they were made, and I must live with them. Choices made during a quest. A quest I've thought of as a search for my truths. A search for dreams, happiness, peace, love, contentment, and knowledge (of and for myself and others, or so I thought).
the best I know how.
* * * * * * *
I was given a small, delightfully silly toy as a Christmas gift. As I sat playing with the toy, the following was said by my sister to her daughter, "See Gabi, Neverland exists. You don't have to grow up completely."
I am a grownup. I know this because grownups have to live with the consequences of choices made, no matter how much we may regret them. It all counts, there are no do-overs, rarely are there second chances, no matter how much I may wish there were. But, even though I'm a grownup, I fervently hope a part of me is always able to find Neverland.
It's a new year filled with new choices. I wish myself the heart and wisdom to make better more honest choices.
To everyone else I wish you the above, as well as beauty, light, love, joy, peace, learning, warmth, good health, and so much more.
I wish you a little piece of Neverland.