Reflections

There once was a girl...

Who was that girl?

There is a woman...

Who is this woman I have become?

Questions.

I turned 50 one week ago.

It was a wonderful day, and a sad day.

Not sad because I am 50.

The age thing...isn't bothering me. Surprisingly.

But the day itself.

I had expectations.

Expectations I hadn't realized I had, until...they didn't materialize.

Thus, there were at times, during the day. unexpected tears welling up deep inside.

Tears that I questioned.

Tears.

but there was also

Laughter. Hugs. Love.

The laughter, hugs, and love part...that was good, very good.

The tears...oh...they really shook me.

Until I shook them.

The feelings that engendered them...really surprised me.

In the beginning...such strong feelings of desolation, isolation, to the depths of my being such a feeling of loss. Loss? Of what? My life today, is as I have chosen it. Why such a feeling of loss?
Eventually there was understanding... of a sort... and finally acceptance.

Due to allowing the feelings be... what they needed to be. The tears be... what they needed to be.

I opened myself to all of it for the first time in such a long, long,long time.


That day, one week ago, was my Birth Day.

I realized how far I've come from the ohsofrightened woman I used to be.

There is much, so very much I still wish to change about myself.

But, there is much I have no desire to change.

I have a power within me that I did not have even five short years ago.

I have a sensuality that was not in the younger me.

Age has its benefits. To this woman anyway.

I look forward to this next decade of my life.

I am still a mother, will always be. But there is so much I no longer am.

I am more than I used to be, so very much more. I love that feeling.

A very good friend of mine turned 60 last month. She told me with such a huge smile, that 60 is sooooooo much better than 40 or 50.

I believe her.