Thursday, August 20, 2009

Reflections



There once was a girl...

Who was that girl?

There is a woman...

Who is this woman I have become?

Questions.

I turned 50 one week ago.

It was a wonderful day, and a sad day.

Not sad because I am 50.

The age thing...isn't bothering me. Surprisingly.

But the day itself.

I had expectations.

Expectations I hadn't realized I had, until...they didn't materialize.

Thus, there were at times, during the day. unexpected tears welling up deep inside.

Tears that I questioned.

Tears.

but there was also

Laughter. Hugs. Love.

The laughter, hugs, and love part...that was good, very good.

The tears...oh...they really shook me.

Until I shook them.

The feelings that engendered them...really surprised me.

In the beginning...such strong feelings of desolation, isolation, to the depths of my being such a feeling of loss. Loss? Of what? My life today, is as I have chosen it. Why such a feeling of loss?
Eventually there was understanding... of a sort... and finally acceptance.

Due to allowing the feelings be... what they needed to be. The tears be... what they needed to be.

I opened myself to all of it for the first time in such a long, long,long time.


That day, one week ago, was my Birth Day.

I realized how far I've come from the ohsofrightened woman I used to be.

There is much, so very much I still wish to change about myself.

But, there is much I have no desire to change.

I have a power within me that I did not have even five short years ago.

I have a sensuality that was not in the younger me.

Age has its benefits. To this woman anyway.

I look forward to this next decade of my life.

I am still a mother, will always be. But there is so much I no longer am.

I am more than I used to be, so very much more. I love that feeling.

A very good friend of mine turned 60 last month. She told me with such a huge smile, that 60 is sooooooo much better than 40 or 50.

I believe her.

7 comments:

Jonas said...

Ah, Sunny. You were ALWAYS "...more than I used to be."

I'm thrilled you finally see that.

Happy Birth Day!

Fiona said...

Yikes, I missed it!!!! (But I missed my little sister's day too - hanging head in shame).

It's so wonderful to 'move on' to new parts of our lives and I smiled when I read this post, to see such movement on your part.

More than you used to be....and not as much as you will be...life is so full of growth, wonderment, experiences (good and bad) which shape us until our last breath.

Birthday hugs from a fellow 50-year-old (((((YOU)))))

Fi
xxxx

labsurferdude said...

That is a wonderful post - Life does get better with age!

Love, Evolution, and Resilience said...

You rock! Maya Angelou has some freakin' wild explanations about growing old... 'mmmmm WHAT Do You Say Jay!'. Love the thought of all the confidence and beauty that comes with growing older!

S'mee said...

Belated birthday wishes Sunny. 50 isn't so bad, it's the next big '0' that really gets to you.
And 'yes' I'm still around........ wondering where do I go from here? Looks like we are both traveling new paths and finding things strange at times. I'm even getting the odd SUH. Sending one to you..... X IanS.

deb said...

Happy belated birthday.

Love, Evolution, and Resilience said...

Happy Birthday! I don't know if it's too late now, but I am gonna try to find you this piece I read... It's Maya Angelou talking about growing older. It made me wish to be seventy... It was during an interview with Oprah, I'll see if I can find it.

Happy Birthday Beautiful Woman!