Thursday, August 20, 2009
There once was a girl...
Who was that girl?
There is a woman...
Who is this woman I have become?
I turned 50 one week ago.
It was a wonderful day, and a sad day.
Not sad because I am 50.
The age thing...isn't bothering me. Surprisingly.
But the day itself.
I had expectations.
Expectations I hadn't realized I had, until...they didn't materialize.
Thus, there were at times, during the day. unexpected tears welling up deep inside.
Tears that I questioned.
but there was also
Laughter. Hugs. Love.
The laughter, hugs, and love part...that was good, very good.
The tears...oh...they really shook me.
Until I shook them.
The feelings that engendered them...really surprised me.
In the beginning...such strong feelings of desolation, isolation, to the depths of my being such a feeling of loss. Loss? Of what? My life today, is as I have chosen it. Why such a feeling of loss?
Eventually there was understanding... of a sort... and finally acceptance.
Due to allowing the feelings be... what they needed to be. The tears be... what they needed to be.
I opened myself to all of it for the first time in such a long, long,long time.
That day, one week ago, was my Birth Day.
I realized how far I've come from the ohsofrightened woman I used to be.
There is much, so very much I still wish to change about myself.
But, there is much I have no desire to change.
I have a power within me that I did not have even five short years ago.
I have a sensuality that was not in the younger me.
Age has its benefits. To this woman anyway.
I look forward to this next decade of my life.
I am still a mother, will always be. But there is so much I no longer am.
I am more than I used to be, so very much more. I love that feeling.
A very good friend of mine turned 60 last month. She told me with such a huge smile, that 60 is sooooooo much better than 40 or 50.
I believe her.