Friday, May 05, 2006

Faith in the unknown Me

Have you ever looked back over a series of events in your life that at the time you were sure were really stupid, idiotic, majorly bad decisions?

It may have even felt like it was the end of your little world as you knew it. But in retrospect, it was for the best, the bad choices, set a series of events in motion that needed to happen?

I have been at that point so many times in the past year. Kind of running on impulse, doing things without really thinking them through because the one really big change in my life that I know I need to make, I have let fear take control of-- fear of the unknown, fear of failing miserably, fear of losing what I have.

But as I look back over some of the things I have done, each mistake, each thing that at the time I thought was really stupid, had a learning moment. Now those learning moments are culminating into THE MOMENT though.

I am finally realizing that each small moronic step has been leading me up to the point where I must face the fear, face it and conquer it, no matter the end result, I cannot predict, I cannot KNOW.

The funny thing is, this epiphany of thought has come from two random events, I picked up a novel a few weeks ago, just because I liked the title, didn't even read the synopsis of what it was about, the novel is written by an author who writes as if she is speaking just to me. But she isn't, she is speaking to millions of women just like me. I am not alone in my fears, I am not alone in my needs.

The next epiphany came from a statement an aquaintance said very recently, "You may not know what you are doing, you may beat yourself up for not being able to face your fear, not being able to overcome it now, but think about a year from now, how will you feel if you are still where you are now?"

That question, thinking about how I will feel about me, if I am still stagnating in this same exact place in a year .....I don't think I can live with that..... I don't want to be here then....

I thought I was okay with the teeny tiny small steps I was taking, but it is time for a leap of faith.....A leap of faith in myself.

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