I sit here in front of the computer some nights, and I really wonder at what I am doing.
I love to write, love to try to create something that is not the same old same old....I haven't been able to do that for a long time now.
I know all the psychological reasons why....I have had so many changes in my life in recent months....the deaths of two people I loved dearly....and the deaths of 5 of my clients from late August to now. I never thought we would ever lose so many at once....and at first I thought I was handling it well....but this past week I learned of another client who will be passing soon, her old frail body is riddled with cancer.... they can only try to keep her comfortable until her end comes. When her son told me of her illness...it was like the final straw....I didn't handle the news well.....my eyes welled with tears....and the faces of my clients, my friend, my grandmother-in-law.....all seemed to flow by my eyes....the sadness of saying goodbye to so many was overwhelming.
I realized then why so many of the elderly have those moments when they just want to give up.... with our better health care, better medicines people are living longer.....but some feel they are living too long...when they outlive all of their family, all of their friends....and to have times when they all seem to go at the same time....how awful that is.
Death has paid too many visits to me in recent months. There are endings in other things as well....endings that I didn't even realize were endings until now....can't really go into the details but those endings again have to do with people in my life....losing them...or the relationship between us changing.
Then of all things...now is the time I choose to change jobs....I am still happy and excited about it...but perhaps my timing could have been better....that is not something I will ever know of course.....I just know I want to go into the new position with a calm clear mind....ready to learn and apply what I have learned.
This past week and weekend flew by so fast....it is amazing to me how fast time does seem to fly....especially when we don't really want it to. It is the changes going on....even the changing weather (around here never know if it is going to be cold or warm), changing time (I have decided I don't like daylight savings time), changing jobs, changes in my family.
I did notice this weekend I was irritable....had to ask myself what was causing that. Couldn't really seem to find the answer....what I did find was the need to be alone....to just be....not even to really contemplate anything...to just not have someone seeming to want something from me.
I even asked myself what I would be doing if I had the complete freedom to do whatever I wanted this weekend. I wouldn't have been home, I even did some online wishing....looking over vacation rentals in southern island or beach locations....that's where I would have been...number one preference anyway....number two would have again been a cottage somewhere, but remote....in the mountains or on a forested lake....so I dreamed of where to go, I even found one that rented for only $1000.00 a month in the off season....didn't think that was too bad....especially compared to $1000.00 to $3000.00 a week during the peak season.
Looking for an escape from all the change in my life....dreaming and wishing for something to take my mind off to far away places....looking for something give me comfort....something that is simple and full of beauty and warmth....it can be simple things....the moon was amazing this weekend....the comfort of an easy conversation with a good friend....the comfort of an old soft blanket wrapped around my shoulders and a novel to lose myself in. I did find a few hours of comfort and escape from my daily doses of change....it was nice.