“It's the circle of life, and it moves us all, through despair and hope, through faith and love, 'till we find our place, on the path unwinding”
Things are moving forward, only centimeters at a time but they are moving.
I wrote in a comment tonight that I grew up with people who prefer to deal with problems as if they did not/or do not exist. Maybe that is what we all try to do sometimes.
I was away from home for the past two days, upon my return that was what husband and Miss Daughter tried to do...pretend it all never happened. I cannot face life in that way. The things that were said just a little over 48 hours ago happened, they hurt each of us. That pain has a right to be acknowledged and hopefully somewhere along that unwinding path that E.J. sang about we will heal, learn, and grow beyond theplace we have found ourselves in these past few months.
Even though in the heat of the moment we all said things that were painful to hear, some of it needed to be said, most importantly it needed to be heard. So, even though it may be less painful if we pretend they weren't said, sometimes we have to live through the pain to grow stronger, to appreciate what we have, even if it isn't what we envision as the "perfect life", we are a family, and we have to embrace that.
It is a lesson for me, one that I need to assimilate and remember. I must remember who I am. In doing that, the important people in my life also remember who I am, what I am to them. I hope anyway, because that is what I gleaned from all of this. I realized that I have to remember "who" each individual in my life is, and that my actions effect them, my actions perhaps more than my words. During this learning process I have to remember to listen...really listen for the unsaid...it is not always a good thing to "read between the lines", but in this instance it is/was/ will be.
In so many ways this goes back to trusting oneself, trusting our intuition, our instincts...I have known for months that choices were being made that would end badly, but I went against that intuition because I wanted so badly to believe that Miss Daughter would not lie to me. That if I was there...to listen when she needed to talk...eventually it would all come out...the things I knew were being left unsaid...they always did in the past...little bits a time...but eventually I got it all...was able to understand, accept, and help. But this time, I chose not to see.
It is an age old thing with us parents I think, (at least that is what I told my parents many years ago, and they freely admitted to)...we parents sometimes prefer not to know...oh, we know...but if we pretend hard enough...then we don't know. And, what we don't know, we don't have to deal with. We don't have to worry quite as much.
Well now I know, and once I can get past my own selfish wallowing in this feeling of failure as mother. Then I will be me....just me...saying aloud those thoughts that are sometimes so very hard to say...we think them...then we tell ourselves that we cannot say them...it will either open us up to more pain...or it may cause pain.
In one sense, rethinking those thoughts, feelings that go through our minds...those thoughts that we question and oftentimes decide should just be left unsaid...in examining them...we perhaps put a little rational thought behind them...instead of blurting them out in pain/anger/fear...we think about them...they get said, but in a way that is much easier for the other person to hear.
In my case, I think them, they are on the tip of my tongue, and I tell myself, "No, bad idea. Don't say that. Don't allow them to see your level of pain. Don't trust them to understand. They could misunderstand and be hurt even more." (I really do talk to myself like that)
Once I have that me-to-me conversation...I say what I am thinking, feeling...I may reword them, process them to make them less emotionally unstable, which in turn makes them more easily understood. The best thing about it though, is that the person I am telling these so very deeply emotional thoughts to...will then tell me...tell me those very thoughts they were having, that they thought were better left unsaid. We become more open with each other. We begin to "know" each other so much better.
This is one of those babbling posts...one where I just started writing because I had the need to get it out. One in which I will not edit, because I will not post if I do.
And sometimes the posting is as important as the writing...I have no idea why...but that feels right somehow. Blah Blah Blah and so on.
Anyway....time for me to move on I think.