Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Hidden from Me

"...divest yourself of preconceived notions of what is good and what is bad so that you can appreciate the rich insights concealed in each stage of your life's journey."

How I have spent the past 20 years of my life was seriously called into question tonight, by one very troubled teen. My world has been turned upside down.

I read the above quote...what is good, what is bad? I thought I knew. I really thought I was doing the right thing, the good thing. I do not know how to appreciate yet what happened tonight. Where are the rich insights at this so very painful stage of my life's journey?

The thing is, when I look at it rationally I know there are parents in this world who have lived through much worse, so much worse. But I only feel sadness.

I had this misconception that I was doing good. How I have done so badly and not realized it?

I keep telling myself that most of it was teenage drama, deflection, redirection, to get the attention off of her, and to maim, stab, and cause us the pain she is feeling at being thwarted, caught.

But in every word there is a ring of truth, her truth as she sees it.
And her truth is that we have been living a lie.

All I wanted as a parent was to give love, stability, security, and for them to know that they could trust me to be there for them. I no longer know if I have accomplished that.

My soul feels as if it has been shredded. The edges are once again tattered, only now it is not by my own hidden demons, but by those I somehow misguidedly thought I was protecting my children from.


Fiona said...

Points to long-ass email just sent

I've not parented any children, nor been particularly well parented by my parents.

Your teenager hasn't got the value of adult years under her belt yet, so her view on your world is particularly black and white, when we all know that in reality life is a myriad shades of grey.

Sometimes I think kids start to test their boundaries at two and don't stop until maturity (not age, maturity) and hell some never do stop!!

It must be so hard to know when to allow, when to forbid...and then wonder if you're being listened to at all. How do you ever know, even if you trust?

See, told you I'd have nothing useful to contribute.

I just do so hate to see you troubled like this hon.

Big hugs from your bodacious friend.

Sunny Delight said...

thank you....the black and white view point....god that helps so much....i forget that....her world is so small still.....but still I make up a large part of that world, and damn i still feel like i failed her...but perspective will hopefully come with time

LePhare said...

Sunny, if you've done your best, as I'm sure you have, than you can do no more.

We 'lost' our daughter for about eight years. Wrong crowd, influence of so called friends etc. They were great with the ideas, but not there to pick up the pieces. There were some hard lessons to learn.

It caused a rift between my wife and daughter that has never been completely healed.

It was to do with expectations. My wife had set her expectations for my daughter far too high, and so was disappointed when she didn't achieve all that she could have. I just wanted her to be happy.

Thinking about it, I suppose we have both been disappointed.

Fiona said...

My sister was a 'lost one', she ran away from home at 17 (from Hong Kong to London). It took over 20 years for her to settle into who she really is, and she has many regrets.

Don't know what happened with her, we grew up in the same household and look how good I turned out *L*!! I'm joking, I have loads of baggage too, I guess I just chose to handle it a different way from her. God the hours I've spent with her, talking about CHOICES and making them!!!

I've missed out on motherhood but I continue to be awed by people who parent children because it must just be the hardest thing in life, harder than love partnerships I think.

Kudos to you both, no matter how you feel about having disappointments.

Group hug!!!

Sunny Delight said...

Ian--The thing is I am not disappointed in my daughter....underneath this teenage rebellion and pain...is a truly beautiful person. Both of my children are amazing people...people I would still want to know even if they weren't my children.

A dear dear person told me today that he knew I had to analyze all of this, because I have to think it through, I always do......so I did look at "who" my children are....and did wonder about how I would feel about them as people if they were not the loves of my life....and I do know that I would find the same things to admire about them that I do now....they may "do things" that I wish they didn't. But the young adults they have become....the inner people....are so wonderful...so loving....can be so sensitive to the needs of others....they are truly a gift to have in my life. They have gifts that I hope someday they will share with the world in some way.

So in all of this, I am disappointed in me....somewhere along the line I made some choices that were wrong...maybe I started letting go too soon, or maybe I allowed my own personal unhappiness to effect how I have dealt with them when they came to me with their problems.

There are a bazillion things that I can "what if" about. I know not to dwell there.

The only thing I want right now is to get rid of the rift....I cannot stand it....I cannot lose my daughter just because some of her choices are not what I wish them to be. I fear for her safety, I love her beyond reason, I cannot lose her because of a few hurtful words.

Somehow I will find a way to heal this. I have to.

Fi--bodacious one you did turn out wonderfully....so did I ~grin~ at least I keep telling my parents that I am the best of the bunch...eventually they will agree with me!

Your poor parents, what an awful time that must of been for them when your sister left, and for you too, hoping she would remain safe.

I have no idea where things will go from here, I guess I can congratulate myself at this point anyway that she still thinks "here" is better than being anywhere else.

I come from a long line of people who after something awful happens, they like to pretend it didn't, and that everything is okay. I have done that for years in my marriage to a point, it makes it easier on us both as neither of us is ready to take that next step...fearful of the consequences of where that step may lead...

But in all other areas of my life, our lives, I confront the problems, or try to, I don't let them lie buried....I don't look at them as something that has to be talked to death, but I do acknowledge that there was/is a problem, and go on from there. Once I can put my own self-doubt to rest....we will heal from this, and hopefully move on to an even better place...as I wrote earlier....I cannot lose her...we have to deal with our pain...and hug and cry it away...move onto the joy we do find in loving each other.

We are not a "perfect or normal" family...but we are a family....and I refuse to let that go.

*joining wholeheartedly in that group hug*

LePhare said...

Our daughter has two children of her own now. Boy, is she learning!

Hope it all get settled soon Sunny. I don't like to think of you being sad.


To Fi.
I can't get the 'comment' box to work on your blog. Just keeps throwing red letters at me, telling me to re-entry. Is it me?

Sunny Delight said...

Ian, she will learn won't she? We do eventually realize the pain we gave our parents.
lol at re-entry...ohhh the things i could write...but this time i really will be good :D

and anyway i had that same problem on plano's blog today.

LePhare said...

The Christmas Party one? One minute he's hating Christmas and the next he's really getting into the swing of things. Mmmmmmmmm I have those dreams as well!