"...divest yourself of preconceived notions of what is good and what is bad so that you can appreciate the rich insights concealed in each stage of your life's journey."
How I have spent the past 20 years of my life was seriously called into question tonight, by one very troubled teen. My world has been turned upside down.
I read the above quote...what is good, what is bad? I thought I knew. I really thought I was doing the right thing, the good thing. I do not know how to appreciate yet what happened tonight. Where are the rich insights at this so very painful stage of my life's journey?
The thing is, when I look at it rationally I know there are parents in this world who have lived through much worse, so much worse. But I only feel sadness.
I had this misconception that I was doing good. How I have done so badly and not realized it?
I keep telling myself that most of it was teenage drama, deflection, redirection, to get the attention off of her, and to maim, stab, and cause us the pain she is feeling at being thwarted, caught.
But in every word there is a ring of truth, her truth as she sees it.
And her truth is that we have been living a lie.
All I wanted as a parent was to give love, stability, security, and for them to know that they could trust me to be there for them. I no longer know if I have accomplished that.
My soul feels as if it has been shredded. The edges are once again tattered, only now it is not by my own hidden demons, but by those I somehow misguidedly thought I was protecting my children from.