Saturday, December 09, 2006

War Wounds

You go along for weeks, life is not perfect, but it is acceptable, there are even times of contentment.

You know that there are many changes that still need to be made, but somehow you know they will occur when the time is more right.

* * * * * * *

Life has been full of changes in the past few months, especially the past ten months. Deaths, more deaths that I ever thought I would experience at this stage of my life. Extended family stresses, changing jobs, changes in relationships. So many changes, I really thought I had taken them all in stride, sure that I could handle more. But today more happened and I just don't know if I am as unbreakable as I thought I was.

* * * * * * *

In an angry overreaction last night to a multitude of things going wrong, someone told me to STFU!, and another person's reaction to witnessing it, has just blown me away. It was a heated moment, lots of things going on, I was trying to deal with a technical problem, and it was just not working. I don't even remember being told to STFU! I remember feeling frustrated, angry, and walking away. But the witness to the other person's outburst it seems was harmed more than I, and their response to that outburst has raised questions within me, questions that perhaps demand and deserve answers.

* * * * * * *

I have spent the past six weeks thinking that I had to wait, that one more life-changing event could not occur in our lives, that we all might break...

I can't remember the last time I have felt so sure of something, and so damn torn at the same time...the damage that could be wrought is so great. When I try to imagine the scenario of change, how it will effect each person involved, I am stymied. I can't 'see' it, I can't intuit it, or at least I don't trust my intuition on this one. I do know that I am being emotionally manipulated by two who are masters at the is an inborn part of their personalities...they use it on each other, they use it on me...mostly on me...they each know the exact buttons to push.

It feels like a war of love, him trying to tug her away, and shut me out at the same refusing to trust my perceptions on this one...but I think I have to...this is a war that I have been refusing to participate in...small arms fire being aimed at me...and me thinking that I could evade the bullets for another 18 months. But it seems the ricochets are wounding the innocent bystander. Maybe I need to stop picturing the warrior all alone, lonely and sad, and start worrying about protecting the innocent bystander from the pain this quiet insidious war is causing her. I really don't think time will heal these wounds.

Changing jobs was a piece of cake compared to this.


Fiona said...

Oh honey.....hugs you so tight....I'd like to tell him to STFU.

I can read between the lines and know who you are talking about and it's hateful.

I know, too, that you aren't 'overreacting' to any one incident, but responding to so many things around you.

I don't know what to say right now...I can't find the words. All I can say dear woman is, I'm here.

Fiona said...

OMG OMG OMG comments went mad!!!!!!!!!!!! sorry!!!!!!!

Fiona said...

pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease come and tidy up my stutter so i don't look so stupid *L*

Sunny Delight said...

Oookay tthe ssttutter is aall gggone! ~grin~

And thanks for your much going was a forewarning of things to come though....