Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Closer to Free

Media Player was set on random today, a mixed conglomeration of songs playing quietly in the background. A song came on, somehow this one grabbed my attention.

A set of warm brown eyes, and a smiling face peeked in my door. She asked such a simple question. "Did you mean what you said the other day?"

Emotion welled up from the very depths of my being, filling my heart, brimming, teetering, almost overflowing from my eyes. Words aching to spill from my lips. An admission of pain?

Where did that come from?

Closer to Free?
I no longer feel as if I am sliding on slippery ground.
Closer to Free?
Eyes open, heart open.
Closer to Free?
My heart no longer afraid of going, but afraid of not going.
Closer to Free?

One day soon I will be standing before a huge body of water.

On that day, with my gaze fixed on the endless horizon, I will say goodbye.

As I watch the waves lapping at my feet, I will sink my hands deep into the frigid water, feeling it cleanse them. I will hold them there, wanting to pull them away from the blazing cold, but not allowing myself to.

Feeling the icy numbness take them over as the water washes over them again and again, taking the old pain away.

The moment will come will I feel it let go, feel it bleed into the water. Feel it carried to a far shore.

There will be a new pain in its wake. But I will relish that pain.

As I shake the glacial water droplets from my fingers, a burning warmth will slowly begin to permeate them. That same burning warmth will weep from my eyes. Feeling the new pain, a healing pain.

Rising I will turn a half circle, my back to the horizon, my gaze will fall on the uphill climb, the sand covered hill side, where my feet will sink, trying to slide backward, but with each step taken, I will reach more solid ground.

At last I will reach the summit, to begin my journey home. I will turn before I start my descent, resting my gaze one more time on the steely water, I will lift my face to the sky, to find a smile lighting my way, as I take that first step onto firmer ground, my heart will be singing, my soul flying. That beginning step.

Closer to Free.


Fiona said...

The next chapter, my love, will be a wonderful one for you. You now have the maturity, the foresight, the hindsight, the inner sight, to make it your best one yet.

Strength and courage Sunny!

Big hugs

Jonas said...

I pray you truly are closer to free, Sunny.

I pray that you are right, Fiona.

Sunny Delight said...

Fiona, You see more in me than I see, but I am beginning to.

The Lake is calling me, stronger than ever. It may seem strange that a place can hold such symbolism for me. But it is a place that opens my heart, I feel so happy there, so free.

Once before it saved me, I buried away the pain of the past,and left there looking forward.

Only this time I feel the need for a baptism, a cleansing purification to ready me for my upcoming battles.

Thank you, that means more than you know.

Fiona said...

I think we do often see more in others than in ourself. That's the joy of friendship. The constant support and belief we have in people we care for. And I'm not seeing MORE, I'm merely seeing it SOONER.

Water is a wonderful cleanser, a purifier, and the weightlessness it provides is also an amazing equaliser ;). Plus, have you noticed that your boobs look really good when you're in water...they suddenly move back up the chest to where they were when we were 18!!

Sunny Delight said...

Fi darling you are a friend as no other!

And YES I have noticed! In addition they make such nice flotation devices!

Fiona said...

*L* glad to hear I'm not the only one to admire her own boobage when afloat ;)

I'm an incredible floater!!!!