Saturday, March 31, 2007


A word that popped into my head yesterday, when I was trying to examine how I was truly feeling, attempting to acknowledge the many emotions filling my heart, and move past them.

Definition: Susceptible to physical or emotional injury.

There are other ways to the define the word vulnerable. But the one that truly defined my state of mind and heart, one that resounded, pealing through me with the accompaniment of inner trembling was the confusion, the insecurity, the sense of exposure I felt from keeping my heart and soul open, knowing the utter necessity of doing so, knowing it is the only way I will heal, the only way I can truly love, the only way to fully live.

This vulnerability arose because, I took a big step this week. The first step of many on my journey to personal independence. But that step sent my emotions fluctuating wildly, teetering precariously. I was faced with a major roadblock. An impediment is in my way, one that is surmountable, but eats away at me. Engendering a jittery impatience. I am anxious to begin, perhaps too anxious, I am tired of waiting. So many years I have spent telling myself I could wait, I could wait until........ the time was right for all......but, there is no right time.......there is only the time when you know you can no longer continue as you are. Unfortunately, it became painfully obvious, that I had not fully prepared for the journey I am about to embark upon. Thus time feels more like an enemy than a friend at the moment.

I knew that I would not turn back, but I also realized that it was going to take much longer than I had hoped, or planned. In that realization, I suffered pangs of sadness and insecurities. This journey I am embarking upon will be full of peril, it will not be an easy journey, it is one that will cause many to suffer along the way, including myself. In trying to deal with that knowledge, I was focusing on the end of the journey, knowing it was a place of healing, of future joys, of future serenity.

But, now, I have had to pull over off the road, and rethink, gather my thoughts, examine the resources available to me, with the realization that I may have to travel away from my original direction before I eventually arrive at my ultimate destination.

When one decides to embark on a journey, there is a destination in mind. To actually get there though, we have to have at least some knowledge of the roads to be traveled. We have to know how to get there. We look at road maps, to determine the best way to get from point A to point B. We may even develop an itinerary, a timeline. We check the weather, the amenities available, even the possible hazards that could hinder our travels. We need to know what to pack in our luggage, the necessities that may ease our way, that will save us unnecessary worries later.

I feel lost because I didn't do that, I set out without truly anticipating or planning past embarkation. When I fully acknowledged the obstruction blocking my way, my mind and heart froze. Then, my mind took off onto a bazillion tangents at once, I was unable to focus on anything but the utter disappointment in myself for not properly planning. I could only see the amount of time it was going to take. Time I felt would be wasted, time I don't want to waste.

I wallowed in those feelings of inadequacy, in those feelings of disappointment and loss for a bit. As I did so though, I realized those feelings were invading all aspects of my life, I quickly lost what self-assurance I felt, I quickly lost faith in myself and others in my life. I knew to continue onward, I had to let those feelings go, I felt them, still do, but they will not determine the course of my journey. I acknowledge their presence, I am mindful of them, I have even voiced them, but they will not become a road block, nor will they become a detour that ends in a dead end. They are just what they are, and I can learn from them, or wallow in them, I prefer to learn.

So, I took a few deep breaths, seeking to calm the inner turmoil, seeking to find focus, seeking ways around the impediments thrown my way, not wanting to turn around and go back the way I have come. I will continue to seek detours. In that seeking, I am feeling a little bit more confident. When I have embarked on road trips in the past, I have rarely ever considered myself lost when I had to take detours, I have always had a sense of the direction my destination lies in, and seem to almost intuitively know which turns to take that eventually get me there.

Sighing.........I will just seems there will be delays along the way.


X. Dell said...

(1) I remember that before a big recital I felt really vulnerable, as if the audience would see that I wasn't really a classical musician, that I was pretending to be something I wasn't, or in short that they would see right through me. I could only express to my professor in terms of nervousness.

"That's okay," she said. "Your fingers still work when you're nervous."

If you feel vulnerable, remember that you have all the strengths that you've always had.

And I don't think anyone plans beyond the embarkment point. First of all, it's impossible to anticipate everything on a journey.

Second, the fear of vulnerability, and the fear of feeling lost prevents a lot of folks from ever making a change, no matter how much they need to.

I'd guess that you're better equipped to improvise than you think.

Fiona said...

The thing about journeys is, that so often there are these detours, unplanned routes, alternatives to take one to one's destination.

In fact my love and I were speaking of these very such things just a few days ago as we drove along country roads...and we agreed that sometimes the detour reveals to us something wonderful, magical even, that we'd have missed if we hadn't had to detour.

There is a reason for everything my sweet woman and maybe you just don't realise the wonderful magical things in store for you on these detours.

Just be sure to follow your heart, it will lead you to where you are meant to be.

Big hugs in vulnerability - I feel my heart exposed too. But it's a whole lot better than having it caged up my love.