Bemused Confusion

I am sitting here this evening in front of my computer, munching on my dinner....which consists of a glass of Oliver's Soft Red, (not too bad, a little sweet for me), a dill pickle slice, cheddar cheese, and pretzels. In between bites, I ponder, and I write.

I am pondering over the two earlier blog entries I wrote today, I really thought I was on the road to my inner healing. Now, I am not so sure.

I spent the entire day alone, Miss Daughter left at 7:30 this morning, and is still not home. Although when I spoke with her, she gave me such a fright. It seems she ran her arm through a glass door today, "But don't worry Mom, I'm fine, it isn't as bad as it sounds. The man mowing the lawn was a nurse practitioner, and he said, I didn't need stitches. He bandaged it up for me, and told me to stay out of the river for a few days. I just peeled the top layer of skin off. But, Wow! All of that blood really scared me at first!"

Yeah, right! Don't worry! She will be home soon, and then I will inspect the handywork of the yardman/nurse. Nope, I am not worrying at all!

I have been rather lazy today, although I spent a considerable amount of time continually voicing the word no, to very active, and always hungry 3 month old puppy. But, basically, I was lazy, I did clean a little, and met a very nice telephone installation man, who was kind enough to examine the nonworking wall jack in my bedroom, and repair it. Then wrote some, ran some errands, and cried. Yes, I cried. It surprised me. (It also is surprising me how much I am craving these dill pickles, on my 3rd one now!)

Anyway, why did I find myself crying? I didn't really know why. Three times early in the evening, I picked up the phone to call a friend. But I would then not dial their numbers. Each time telling myself, "They do not want to hear me if I get started on this whole divorce subject." Which would surely come up, as it is the current angst in my life. I didn't want that, what I wanted was a peaceful evening, spent laughing and talking.

At that point I remembered the advice I have heard from so many different people. "Keep a support system going, you need a strong support system throughout all of this."

Great advice, but one I cannot seem to follow. I don't want to cry on someone's shoulder. I will gladly lend mine, but I don't like feeling needy. I did want a hug though, wanted one badly.

Me being me, I had to ask myself.........why? Why can't I call those closest to me, to moan, whine, and wail? Why can't I call those closest to me, and receive their understanding and support? I couldn't or wouldn't allow myself to find the true answer. I instead let my mind wander to the fact that I have no problem writing about all of my whining and moaning. But in face to face life, I don't want to do that.

I then realized, I haven't even begun to move through all the healing stages. A large portion of my wall is still intact. I haven't allowed it to completely fall, I haven't even begun to knock it all down as I had thought. Even the palms of my hands tell me so, they are itching like crazy, a sure sign of inner battle.

I know I want to feel healed, I know what I am supposed to feel when I have healed. But, I am not there yet. I want to be there.

I ask myself, so many questions in the midst of my tears falling, trying to get them to stop. "Why am I so unhappy? Why? Do I want my old life back?"
The answer was a resounding NO! I know, I have made the right decision.

Now, I just have to learn to dial those phone numbers, ask for some of their time. Only then, will I have my chance to get those laughs and good conversation. There may be a few tears involved also, but amidst the tears, there will be laughter.

Ok, one more dill pickle before I go to bed.