Doubting myself, and feeling uncertain, two feelings that have been a large part of my living life. Maybe, a part of what all introspective beings experience. Those of us who look ever inward, searching for the unsearchable, our true selves. The time arrives when we must accept the knowledge that perhaps there is no true self, perhaps we are who we are, and that is best determined when we are living outside ourselves, (I don't mean living unthinkingly, I view it as if the narcissistic side of the self has turned away from the mirror.) I am thinking of those moments when we are experiencing life fully. I am ready to accept that I will never find my 'true self', I am just me, as I am. One of my simpler truths, and one of the hardest to grasp.
I have reached one of those times in life, when my learning seems to be accomplished all in one leap. I try, and try again, I seek, and continue seeking again, and again. Then one day, it happens. I UNDERSTAND. I have often associated these leaps into learning with the achievements of small children, in many ways I still feel quite childlike, so, I may learn in such a way also. It feels as if I have spent my life ever questing, ever questioning. Then, in a small space of time, I arrived at one of my destinations. My questing will never truly end, but I have arrived at some truths, and hopes.
- I know who the core me is, I have found me, it took tearing down my hiding place, but I was there, always had been. A truth. Tempered with a hope that I always seek ways to be a better me.
- I will ever make the attempt to express the love I feel for those I love openly and honestly. A truth. With the hope that they will always feel my love, truly feel it.
- I will ever allow myself to keep seeking knowledge, beauty, and salvation for others as well as myself. A truth. With the hope that no matter how gray the world sometimes looks, I can see the beauty.
- I will ever be in search of lost memories, and the reasons why of my forgetting. A truth. With the hope that I will hold onto the important ones.
- I will ever believe there is a basic goodness in the majority of humanity, even when other's point out all of the inhumanities man has wrought. A truth. With the hope, that I will continue to find those who prove me right.
- I will ever feel some doubt, and uncertainty, but I will let them flow through me, learn from them, and then, let them loose on the wind. A truth. With the hope that I will always recognize those doubts for what they are, yet always feel some uncertainty, because every time I doubt, I learn to accept that the doubts are really fear. And fear is a killer of living and loving to the fullest. Hoping to always experience some uncertainty because it keeps me humble.
- I will face times in my life, when it seems too hard to continue as I am, when I will begin rebuilding my walls of self-protection. A truth. With the hope that I always recognize what I am doing, and knock it down again.
- I will always carry within me regrets, regrets over past mistakes, regrets over past failings. A truth. With the hope that I will continue to learn from those mistakes and failings, to never repeat them.
But somehow, even when I cynically attempt to view it all as a romanticization of reality, I seem to never completely lose my rose-colored glasses, they are always there, somewhere close to hand.
"And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time."
~T. S. Eliot~
"Ten thousand flowers in spring, the moon in autumn, a cool breeze in summer, snow in winter. If your mind isn’t clouded by unnecessary things, this is the best season of your life." ~Wun-Men~