Thursday, May 17, 2007

It's My Life

Such a life giving day.

I called my phone number, and it rang, no disembodied voice telling me the phone number I was calling was not in service. MY PHONE NUMBER RANG and RANG. MY PHONE NUMBER!

Amazing that such a small thing would be so exciting. But, I have never had my own phone number, my own address, my own home. MINE, ME, Alone (well....not completely alone my children live here too) but it is, MINE. It feels damn good! No. It feels great!

I had my moments of questioning......... Knowing my memory as well as I do.....funny how easy it is to remember that you don't remember things.

Anyway, the confusing thoughts running through my mind were something like this.........

"Did I remember the address correctly? Did I tell the phone company the proper directions? (I am living in the middle of nowhere after all.) I hope they didn't make a mistake, and connect to the wrong address!" I finally called the local post office to double check the address. (I had remembered it correctly.)

Unfortunately my certainty did not last long. Late in the day, I received a voice mail from my phone company that the workman were falling behind schedule, and that it might be the 24th before my service was installed! "What?"

My mind started doing one of those stuttering buts....."But, but, but......I dialed the number 2 hours ago, and it rang! How can they say it is not connected?"

I dialed the number again, and again, and again, (I have no answering machine yet). It rang, and rang.

So, then I had to ask myself, "Why did they call and leave me that message? The phone is ringing?"

Then my mind went to......" Maybe, I did tell them the incorrect address. No, the postmaster said it was right. Is the postmaster wrong too? If it isn't a wrong address, then, why does the service I find online tell me that I have access to broadband, while the phone order person told me it is not available? I want broadband, I want high speed! No, that is OK, dial-up is better than nothing. But high speed would be so cool! The songs I could download, the videos I could watch!"

I did finally reach some moments of rationality, remembering that I am trying to stick to a tight budget, and that I can live with what I have.

I allowed only positive thoughts to enter my mind. "The phone company made a mistake, my phone is connected." It was, it is!

When I returned home this evening, another thought entered my mind. "I have a mail box, do I have mail?" I did. As I reached in, I was joyful again, there was mail, my mail, I could take my own my own mail from the box!

To many, that may seem like no big deal. But for most of the past 30 years, it has been a rare day when I would arrive home and find mail in the mail box, see a small stack of mail addressed to me, that had not been sorted and scrutinized by someone else first.


Hmmm, does that mean I am finally a completely independent person? A grown up?

Nope, not completely, I must/will always keep my sense of fun, and joy over the little things intact. I don't think I will ever tire of toy stores....of either kind ~grin~

But, it does mean, that I am finally free of having to be constantly vigilant.....of how I am, of how I act, of who I am talking to, of what I do. I can just live, no more walking on egg shells.

Pretty nice feeling.


Fiona said...

Big big smile.

YOURS all yours. Makes you feel so grown up, doesn't it. And in control of your life.

Kudos to you hon, for all you have been through and to arrive where you are, so incredibly intact. You are an inspiration.

freebird said...

Sounds like you're living my dream, Sunny!
Just catching up after a period of over-work and restricted access. Seems I've missed a lot! All my very best wishes for you, you're doing so well and I'm sure it will get better and better.