"Many years ago I heard the statement "To change something, first you have to accept it as it is." Seems contradictory. Yet it is true. We can only start from where we are. " ~Rita O'Connor~
"We can only start from where we are."
I am at a new starting place in my life, attempting to accept my life as it is, and as it was, a very difficult outlook to maintain for any length of time. But, I am beginning to see that is all I can do.
In that acceptance, I am coming to realize......I encouraged my worries, they were safer than doing. I have really, finally, seen that ........I can......just......not......know...... and I can be OK with that. Someone reminded me today, that I am very capable of fulfilling my dreams, I just have to accept that I am strong enough.
I can accept that I am going to worry, no matter how hard I try not to. But, I also, do not have to allow that worry, that fear, to rule me, as I have done in the past. I cannot facilitate change, if I do not accept my life as it is. I cannot make changes unless I open myself to accepting that I deserve what I wish for, hope for, dream of.
So, where am I now?
I have moved, both of my children and I are sharing a home, on a serenely beautiful piece of land. I am surrounded by birdsong, morning and evening. The night skies are not disturbed by city lights. I find myself sitting for several hours each evening after sundown, out on my deck, just gazing serenely up at the wondrous night sky. Contentedly absorbing it all.
There are moments, when the worries over the future sneak up on me, especially in the very late evening. Last night, I found within myself, the urge to write, it was then, I realized, it is still a need within me. Those first nights, I had nothing to write, I felt so free and light, there was no describing it. But as the days have passed, I have come back to the knowledge, that I still have so much more inner exploration and healing to seek. I have a life to........hmmmm......not exactly plan....it is more as if, I have a life to add dreams to, dreams that I can open myself up to fulfilling.
It has been years, so many years, since I have felt this sublime inner freedom of self. (I am not completely there yet, that may take years, but I can feel little fingerlings of it, my spirit peeking out, the spirit that was locked away for so very long).
Oh, I am still full of worries, when I allow them to take over, before I remember to tell myself to just.........let them go. But, even then, I feel this tremendous sense of personal freedom. A freedom to be myself. Not as many self-protections in place. None of my old, 'walking on eggshells' self. I am beginning to remember who I used to be, I am beginning to remember what it felt like when I allowed my spontaneity to come to the fore. I am beginning to remember what it feels like to not have to wonder if something I do is miscontrued, or misinterpreted. I really like this feeling.
I finally feel like my life truly is full of unlimited possibilities. Realizing, I am the only one who truly limits those possibilities. And, ya' know what? I really, really want to test those limits, my limits.
So do me a favor my friends, keep your fingers crossed for me, I am striving to keep this wonderful forward momentum going. It is the most amazing feeling, and, I wish to revel in it, before I come back down to earth.
Although, there is the possibility, that my feet will never again completely touch the earth. The weights, even those many self-imposed ones, are being shaken off, I am so very close to being ready to soar!
I want to also take this opportunity (currently rare opportunity, I stopped by my local library) to thank those of you who have given me your love and support. It has been so wonderful to feel that, and I do feel it, even across this world within the ether of the internet.
Thank you, thank you, thank you! And, a HUGE CYBER HUG is being sent your way!