Tuesday, June 05, 2007

"Fear makes the wolf bigger than he is." ~German Proverb~

Mr. Son in concern for me the day after I moved out of my marital home, found a quote for me, that he had at one time memorized. I watched as he scanned the bookshelves, until, he found what he was looking for. He picked the book from the shelf, opened it, and found the quote within seconds. He then read it to me, twice.

I thanked him, and, requested he write it out for me, which he did. I took it to work with me, placed in a desk drawer I save for just such special items, and on several occasions since, I have lifted that piece of paper from its special position in the drawer, and read it. It was exactly what I needed to hear that night. There are days to come, that I know, I will continually pick it up, read through the words, and take comfort from them, but more importantly, I take comfort from the young man who gave them to me.

"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
~ Frank Herbert, Dune - Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear~

I imparted the news to my husband last night, that I had filed the petition for divorce. I had spent days worrying, fearing, or, (as one dear friend told me) "wound up tightly" with those emotions controlling me. But, I knew that I had to tell the man I have spent the last 30 years of life with, the decision I had made. He was not pleased. In fact he was quite angry. I survived, we all have survived, and I will continue to survive, hopefully with as few emotional wounds for all as can be managed. Life does goes on.


Fiona said...

When all is said and done between the two of you, when the union evolves into whatever it will become, you both need look only to your children to know that you were meant to be together once. For without that union there would be no son and daughter.

He's angry, yes, he didn't expect this of you. The anger will move into other emotions, it may linger forever as he feels 'wronged'. He would have been content to live out his life in a relationship that brought you nothing. When you love someone deeply, you want the best for them, even if that doesn't include you. I hope he gets to that place.

I'm glad your daughter is with him tonight but I also hope he doesn't use the opportunity to malign you. That you do NOT deserve.

You are brave in stepping away from a relationship that doesn't let you be yourself. That's the saddest thing when you see couples like that. And frozen in fear of moving on. You gave him more years than you maybe should have, but you know that every day spent in the marriage was one you had to spend, if only for your own peace of mind.

Right now you are like a butterfly emerging from the chrysalis. And you will fly fly fly Sunny. And finally you will spread your beauty as you spread your wings, unencumbered and free.

Big big hugs.

Jac said...

You go girl. Facing the giant wolf fears that you have this month, will put future fears into perspective. They'll simply be mouse size! Savour a few moments of relief. You are very brave and an inspiration to your blogfriends and fans.

deb said...

Fear is awful, it makes your bowels knot up, your heart pound. But you survived. And you'll keep surviving. Take care.

plan0 said...

I love that quote, and so miss reading Herbert.

Good girl for doing what has to be done. It's not only your kids that now see you're the strong woman the rest of us know. If it was me in his position, it would be anger only that denial didn't make the situation go away.

Sunny Delight said...

Today, a friend asked me, if I had any regrets that I had married my husband, if I could do it over again, would I. My first thought was "knowing what I know now, of course not!" But that thought lasted the briefest of seconds, and changed to a, "Yes, I would, I wouldn't have my children if I had not." They are my reason for being, they were my meaning for so many years. Now, I search for a new meaning, and if I am lucky, very lucky, I will find one just as fulfilling.

I don't feel brave, I feel weak, that I let it go on for as long as it did.

If I am to be a butterfly, I think I want to be a blue one *S*...another post someday!

Not exactly feeling relief at this moment, but there have been a few moments when that little twinkling star of joy in my soul seemed to pulse....a good start.....thank you my friend.

The fear is not completely gone, but I have the hope I can keep it in perspective.

:-) I loved reading the Dune series, but it took my son to remind me of the many words of wisdom Herbert's mind was filled with.

I have the hope that someday I will feel strong, and that my children will also. As to my husband.....sigh......I just don't know....he has me more confused than ever, and sadder too.

Ciera said...

the odd thing about this post, is that it wasn't all that long ago that I dreamt that I was attacked by a wolf...all in all a frightful dream...but later as I thought about it, I realized that at some point I had stopped being defensive in my fight with the wolf and had switched to the offense...and was winning...I was really choking the wolf. It is a thought that I have mulled over several times...and find myself further comforted by your post, though you are going through something much more real than my silly dream.

X. Dell said...

Your husband's reaction is curious, since he apparently hasn't spoken much if at all to you for the past thirty days, and you had difficulty talking about your marriage for years.

At least you have come to a decision, and you have endured something you didn't want to do. Maybe, someday, you should pat yourself on the back for having the courage.

Sandi said...

I am wishing the best for you and only hope I have the courage someday to look my wolf in the eye.

thanks for your beautiful writing.

Sunny Delight said...

What an amazing dream! Not silly, I think at some level all dreams have some meaning, our unconscious mind trying to deal with something. What ever it was, you dealt mightily with it!

Maybe someday I will, but I have a feeling I will laugh at myself instead, for being so fearful of something others go through daily, and many go through so much worse.

Thank you for your kind words, and we all find that courage when we need it most, I am beginning to learn that. When it feels right, we do finally do it!

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