My husband called me, wanting us to get together, to discuss the DIVORCE, this was the first time we had spoken more than a few words to each other since early May, when I moved out. A lot was said, none of it angry, tears were shed, the past, and future became a part of the conversation. Many emotions were felt on both sides. And...an attempt to turn it into what it will all boil down to in the end...A Business Transaction. I wasn't prepared for that, not at all.
I left that meeting confused, somewhat bemused even, and sad, very sad.
I talked it over with a few friends, all attempted to bolster my self-confidence, all tried to make me see past the emotions of it all, to be more objective when viewing the future. It helped.
For much of the day, I was overtaken by a numbness of spirit. I knew there was a deep inner sadness, and grieving going on within, but could not seem to tap into it, could not seem to allow myself to really feel the depth of it all.
I did not sleep well last night, my mind and heart were overtaken with many thoughts and feelings, in my attempts to understand what had taken place earlier in the evening. So, I allowed myself 25 minutes, to lie on my bed, to not think, to rest.
When I awoke, Mr. Son was waiting for me. Only seconds after my alarm went off, he was gently pushing open my bedroom door.
"Hey, what's up?"
"I'm...um, not sure...are you OK? What happened yesterday? Are you OK? You don't have to tell me if you don't want to."
"I'm OK...really. I feel rather strange discussing this with you, we are your parents after all, he is your father, my take on this...is still a bit confused, but if you want to know...I will tell you."
"I do, Miss Sister and I were talking last night, wondering how things went...she has really been thinking a lot about all of this...she really has been analyzing Dad's behavior, she has him pinpointed pretty good I think."
"Yes, she would, she is much like him. One of the reasons they connect so well."
"Yeah, anyway, what happened?"
So, I told him, how it went, not all of the conversation, but the general idea. How I felt, what my impressions were. Mr. Son was amazing. He was very accepting, very supportive, taking time to think deeply about what I told him. Withholding his comments, until he felt sure of what he was going to say.
Mostly, not judging, just showing me in his own way, that he loves, he loves his father, even though they do not have much of a relationship, and I can see that saddens him. But, he also demonstrated to me, that he loves me, and knows that I love him. We ended our conversation in a very comfortable place. We ended our conversation in a way that we end many of our conversations.(One of us usually recommends a book to read to the other, this time it was me, asking him if he had read one that I own. He had not, he perused it, and replied, this is a must read. Which he is doing now.)
I had some errands to take care of, in having to do that, I decided to visit the small town close to me, instead of driving to the city. The road is a long, windy, curve strewn, hill and dale road. Very little traffic is on it during the time I drove. I was able to enjoy the scenery, enjoy the feel of the fresh cool air blowing in the window. My mind felt truly free for the first time in over 24 hours.
I think I shopped rather dreamily, not even really sure of what I was purchasing, a few fresh vegetables, and some fruit, some of the kids favorite ice cream treats, a frozen Mexican pizza, other odds and ends. It all felt a bit surreal to me, to be in that small town grocery store, not a Supermarket, but a true grocers. Mostly, I felt so calm, for the first time in weeks, I was filled with an inner calm.
the drive home:
As I retraced the road I had traveled only a little over 30 minutes before, I again was conscious of that feeling deep inside, that I was a bit freer, peace, there is a measure of peace in my soul.
I admired, and smiled to see the clouds of fireflies lighting up the fields on either side of me,(they still seem magical to me), I am happy I can still see their magic.
As I entered the road to my home, I realized, I am truly able to say Good-bye. I can truly say with peace filling me, good-bye to my marriage, and even though, I know not what dramas, and turmoil my near future may hold...there is a peace within. For now.
I can live with that.