Thursday, June 21, 2007

A Measure of Peace

Yesterday.

the meeting:

My husband called me, wanting us to get together, to discuss the DIVORCE, this was the first time we had spoken more than a few words to each other since early May, when I moved out. A lot was said, none of it angry, tears were shed, the past, and future became a part of the conversation. Many emotions were felt on both sides. And...an attempt to turn it into what it will all boil down to in the end...A Business Transaction. I wasn't prepared for that, not at all.

I left that meeting confused, somewhat bemused even, and sad, very sad.

I talked it over with a few friends, all attempted to bolster my self-confidence, all tried to make me see past the emotions of it all, to be more objective when viewing the future. It helped.

Today.

recuperation:

For much of the day, I was overtaken by a numbness of spirit. I knew there was a deep inner sadness, and grieving going on within, but could not seem to tap into it, could not seem to allow myself to really feel the depth of it all.

a nap:

I did not sleep well last night, my mind and heart were overtaken with many thoughts and feelings, in my attempts to understand what had taken place earlier in the evening. So, I allowed myself 25 minutes, to lie on my bed, to not think, to rest.

a talk:

When I awoke, Mr. Son was waiting for me. Only seconds after my alarm went off, he was gently pushing open my bedroom door.

"Hey, what's up?"

"I'm...um, not sure...are you OK? What happened yesterday? Are you OK? You don't have to tell me if you don't want to."

"I'm OK...really. I feel rather strange discussing this with you, we are your parents after all, he is your father, my take on this...is still a bit confused, but if you want to know...I will tell you."

"I do, Miss Sister and I were talking last night, wondering how things went...she has really been thinking a lot about all of this...she really has been analyzing Dad's behavior, she has him pinpointed pretty good I think."

"Yes, she would, she is much like him. One of the reasons they connect so well."

"Yeah, anyway, what happened?"

So, I told him, how it went, not all of the conversation, but the general idea. How I felt, what my impressions were. Mr. Son was amazing. He was very accepting, very supportive, taking time to think deeply about what I told him. Withholding his comments, until he felt sure of what he was going to say.

Mostly, not judging, just showing me in his own way, that he loves, he loves his father, even though they do not have much of a relationship, and I can see that saddens him. But, he also demonstrated to me, that he loves me, and knows that I love him. We ended our conversation in a very comfortable place. We ended our conversation in a way that we end many of our conversations.(One of us usually recommends a book to read to the other, this time it was me, asking him if he had read one that I own. He had not, he perused it, and replied, this is a must read. Which he is doing now.)

the drive:

I had some errands to take care of, in having to do that, I decided to visit the small town close to me, instead of driving to the city. The road is a long, windy, curve strewn, hill and dale road. Very little traffic is on it during the time I drove. I was able to enjoy the scenery, enjoy the feel of the fresh cool air blowing in the window. My mind felt truly free for the first time in over 24 hours.

I think I shopped rather dreamily, not even really sure of what I was purchasing, a few fresh vegetables, and some fruit, some of the kids favorite ice cream treats, a frozen Mexican pizza, other odds and ends. It all felt a bit surreal to me, to be in that small town grocery store, not a Supermarket, but a true grocers. Mostly, I felt so calm, for the first time in weeks, I was filled with an inner calm.

the drive home:

As I retraced the road I had traveled only a little over 30 minutes before, I again was conscious of that feeling deep inside, that I was a bit freer, peace, there is a measure of peace in my soul.

I admired, and smiled to see the clouds of fireflies lighting up the fields on either side of me,(they still seem magical to me), I am happy I can still see their magic.

As I entered the road to my home, I realized, I am truly able to say Good-bye. I can truly say with peace filling me, good-bye to my marriage, and even though, I know not what dramas, and turmoil my near future may hold...there is a peace within. For now.

I can live with that.

9 comments:

Fiona said...

Big big hugs. I'm so glad you have found the peace you need honey. I have so few words right now. I felt I travelled your day with you, as I read your post. I feel almost exhausted. But more than that, as though the worries I've been feeling for you have lifted and there is a hopeful emptiness within me. Not a bad one, but a good one...a good emptiness full of hope for your future.

Extremely BBGR hugs.

Ciera said...

Sounds like it was a much needed drive. Do you ever call them lightning bugs? That's how I grew up knowing them as.

Jonas said...

Step by step, you'll get where you need to be.

Jac said...

Oh my, how many miles you traveled in a single day. Now, you just have to get over (jet) travel-lag and you'll can enjoy life's adventures! Lucky brave girl!

X. Dell said...

In this process, you seem to be going through a very noticable period of adjustment, some of which is awkward and painful. I'm wondering about what kind of adjustments you made when getting married.

LePhare said...

Early days Sunny, but you'll get there.
Best Wishes.

Terri said...

I'm sorry to hear you have this going on right now. Become your own best support system, continue those naps, talks and drives. Allow yourself all the emotion. Most importantly, remember this is part of you moving forward with your life, not a slide backwards.

*hugs*

Sunny Delight said...

fiona,
In an emotional sense it has been exhausting, when I posted this, that first calm had begun. Which felt so wonderful...and your words..."hopeful emptiness"that is what I have been going through these past few days...I do have hope.

ciera,
I think I need more drives, many more before I sort all of this out.
Yes, I call them lightening bugs too, but somehow, when I see the trees, glades, fields full of them, they are 'fireflies' to me, dunno why.

jon,
I think so too.

jac,
There are many many more miles to go! I am very much looking forward to those future adventures.

x.dell,
At the time I was married, it was a much slower process, I was much younger, and the emotional aspect of it was not so intense. (from the viewpoint of time) We had known each other for almost 4 years before we got married, and as time passed we just became more and more...plus the ideals of youth were on my side.

Now, I to think of all of the ramifications of each step of this journey, before I take it.

Ian,
Thank you, and exactly right...early days.

Terri,
No, I feel no slide backwards, this is all forward momentum at this point, and I am happy with that. It may be painful, but it is all focused on an important goal...happier lives...for myself, and those I love.

LePhare said...

Sunny, I can't keep up. Another new you....... and on a swing this time.