Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Words That Come From the Heart

"Words that do not become flesh in us remain "just words." They have no power to affect our lives...
We have to keep making sure our words are rooted in our hearts."
~Henri Nouwen~

In recent weeks, I have often found myself spending time in the company of other women. Women who have lived divorce, the ending of a marriage.

These women in my life, they talk, they tell me to talk. To talk and talk about what I am going through, to get it out, "Talk as much as you want Sunny, say it over and over and over and over, if you have to, it's OK, I have been there, and talking about it helps." Words, so many pain filled words.

So, I begin. Releasing my words. The words of confusion, of worry. But, then I stop. I find myself in a place in which I cannot utter anymore. So, they tell me their stories. I listen to their words. I understand, I commiserate, I celebrate their new beginnings, and I listen some more. I lean in and recognize the deeply hidden pain behind the words. I cry on the inside, I smile on the outside. They see my hidden tears, we share them, those tears.

These words say so much, from this group of middle-aged women, scratching away at life, with joy, and anguish, and hope filled with dreams.

But then there comes a moment. When each will tell me, how much they admire me. They say, they admire my courage, my ability to walk away. They say, they know how frightening it is.

They didn't do it.

I am the only one within this small circle, who did the walking away. They did not make the decision. Their husbands were the first to leave. Many of these same husbands a few months later told their wives they had made a mistake, and wished to reconcile. Each of these women then tells me, she found her courage, found her strength, found her voice, found her words, to say no.

Why do they think I am the brave one? I do not feel courageous, I do not feel brave. I feel battered, I feel weak, I feel frail, broken. Yet, there is buried deep, so very very deep, that I cannot always find them, little seeds of contentment and peace beginning to sprout within my tattered soul.

With words, and tears, I search for a sense of finality. Too many years of not being enough, too many years of living a life filled with self-imposed unhappiness.

One day, I finally picked up the knife, and cut the shroud that was covering my eyes and heart. There is blood on the knife, I can see it when I look closely. It was not done with ease, it was not done with joy, it was not done without pain...this cutting away of the past, in the search for the future. There will be scars, so many scars. I am not brave.

I have no idea how it will all turn out in the end. I am uneasy about my future, I am uncertain and uncomfortable. I am frightened, confused, at times lonely, at times content, at times melancholy, at times, filled with small snippets of joy, but through it all, is that uncertainty that I try so very hard to let go of. I am not brave. I am filled with tears.

Our stories are all the same, only the details are different.

Edged in pain the words falter then flow, flashes of joy overshadow the anguish, words spark, and flash, hiding behind eyes bright with hope and dreams.Voice rough and soft, she feeds us with her newfound sense of freedom rising. The words flow on, pain's shadow hidden in the depths, continues to grow, seeking release from it's bonds, waiting. Words flatten, smile gone, eyes unseeing, words halt, quiet descends, lies easy, waiting, breathing in, out. Thoughts unspoken, pain's shadow stirring from the depths, unbidden lying in wait, its time will come, it always does. The smile falters, words cease, fail, the shadow darkening. Words spilling like shards of broken glass, flaying, cutting deep, the pain implodes upon her heart, each word landing with a glittering shatter, not hidden, slicing deeply, wounds reopen. Eyes unseeing, focused inward, shock at the oozing drops of blood leaking from her soul, glittering moon tears, pooling, spreading, the words lie there waiting. Cries from the past, each bloody tear a badge of freedom won.


Fiona said...

You ARE brave Sunny. You did it. You broke free, no matter how uncertain that future is. So many don't. So many stay unhappy and afraid. Not you.

Nurture those sprouts, those seedlings. They are at their most vulnerable right now. As are you.

The future never has any guarantees and it's a scary place to try to look into. With your freedom comes opportunity, paths to follow which otherwise you would have been unable to. Growth to go through. You can now stretch your body, mind and soul.

You're like a butterfly in its final stage of development. Your wings have been crumpled and held tight and you need to open them, stretch them out, get the life force running through them before you can use them properly. But you will fly Sunny, you will. Hell, I reckon you will soar!!

Phil said...

You my lovely dear are most definitely the brave, strong one. If things were easy no one would consider us brave for doing them. I certainly couldn't say it as eloquently as your friend Fiona did above, but I agree. It's time for you to feel free and enjoy every minute of your life instead of just grabbing little snatches of happiness when you can get them as you were doing before.

X. Dell said...

You write: "Why do they think I am the brave one? I do not feel courageous, I do not feel brave. I feel battered, I feel weak, I feel frail, broken."

That's how most warriors feel. Maybe your friends admire that aspect of you, the one that can cut away the shroud when she has to, instead of letting it be cut for her.

Sunny Delight said...

I am trying, there are days when I get lost in the emotion of it all, and cannot see very clearly.

I do look forward to many different experiences...someday...sigh.

OK, really ready to break out of this cocoon! And, thank you so much for your encouragement...it helps! BBGR! Hugs!

Sunny Delight said...

Thank you, for your words of support. I will eventually get there, it isn't an easy process, nor one I would wish on anyone. Happiness in small doses is OK with me right now. One moment at a time.

Sunny Delight said...

The way you put it, sounds wonderful, but if I am a warrior, I am not a very good one. There are many days when I just want to run away as far as possible. But, I won't. I do know that. And when I regain my sense of sanity, I realize there are many times when it all really is alright, and I and my family will get there. Especially with so many people offering support.

Thank you all.