Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Words That Come From the Heart--Do Over

Words that do not become flesh in us remain "just words." They have no power to affect our lives... We have to keep making sure our words are rooted in our hearts."
~Henri Nouwen~

In times of extreme emotion, I find myself unable to comprehend, lost in a confusion of over-stimulation. It may take me several days, sometimes even weeks to find the inner stability to recognize how lost in those feelings I have become. Once the realization comes upon me, that I cannot focus, that I cannot find my center, or find a balancing point, I must take another step to do that, a step away from the intensity. It has always been this way with me. I must write them out to understand them. To place them in reality. A purging of emotional overindulgence.

In the process of attempting to find the words to describe the turmoil within, I once again regain a focus, regain my sense of balance. I once again regain the ability to find my center, the place where I can feel, but not become overwhelmed with the emotions.

Emotions are not tangible items, they cannot be boxed up and locked in storage. They cannot be washed and hung out to dry, or tossed into the dryer with a softener sheet. At times though, they are...too our minds, or, at least in my mind. Too much of anything can be a heavy burden to bear. With emotion too, whether positive or negative, either can be too much at times. in my mind and heart, they become too real. At these times, whether I am feeling an amazing sense of exhilaration, or a soul darkening melancholy, I soon recognize that they are taking way too much precedence in my life.

So, I must find a way to reach a sense of equilibrium. I have a need to dismantle them, examine them, and then reassemble them. To accomplish that, I have to write. It becomes a process of rebuilding. In that process, I also find that I am able to allow them to become what they truly are, an intangible part of me. An important part of feeling alive, but I also then regain the ability to see them for what they are, just feelings, emotion, that at times have physical manifestations. Once I am able to do that, I feel whole again.

You poor reader, those of you that read through my ramblings, often bear the task of having to read my poor attempts at finding my wholeness. Me...searching inward...then allowing the words to spill from fingertips to keyboard to blog post. In the distant past, no one but I ever read my words. Now with blogs, others of you read them. There are times I wonder why I want you to witness my meandering attempts to find my sanity. It helps for me to see the words on the screen or on paper. With this new medium, it sometimes helps to read your comments. A form of psychoanalysis perhaps? I even asked myself, if I am patiently awaiting the comment or email that points out my own insanity. (I gotta smile here, I feel insane most of the time lately) I may be, or maybe not, I truly have not found the answer, and frankly, it is really the least of my worries. I write. You read. I read. Somehow in that process I find reality again. A somewhat peaceful coexistence between emotion and life...once again able to experience moments. That is why I write.

The entry I posted last night, was the tail end of my woeful week of being lost in emotional excess and confusion. At first posting, I immediately wanted to delete it. I was done, I had found my center, regained the ability to think clearly again. But then, I found that it had been read. So again the confounding thought of do I leave it be, or delete it. But, this blog is also for me, to explore me, who ever I may be at the time of I leave it here, as a testament to myself, that I can be insane once in a while. That's Ok, it is all me. I am learning through this process, you, the reader, are a part of that learning process also. Your comments, or your silence, teach me. And, bizarrely, I like that.

All words, whether spoken or written, in a sense must be from the heart, to be real. And, like it or not, this is the real me, the good, the bad, and the crazy.

When I began this post, it was my intention to find the words to write again, in a more sensible fashion about the women who have begun to populate my life more and more in recent weeks. To write about them, as I did not succeed in doing last night. But that didn't happen, and, I have come to realize, that perhaps, I did write of them last night. Not in the way I had originally intended. But I did do it, in my own nonsensical way. So, it will stand as written to remind me, to place my emotions in a saner, and more intangible place...when they become overwhelming, and to keep trying to live the moments of my life, one moment at a time.


Fiona said...

Oh honey, we're all good, bad and crazy....and mixed up a lot of the time. But we find our equilibrium eventually and you will too.

You poor reader, those of you that read through my ramblings, often bear the task of having to read my poor attempts at finding my wholeness.

Not so Sunny, we are privileged to be allowed into the workings of your mind and soul. Since I met you, I have found new ways of tapping into my emotions and being able to pull them to the surface to deal with them. Gone are the days of quiet self-reflection and often resulting self-flagellation.

You have taught me to speak, to write, to listen. And always to unburden myself of my negativity and honestly, truly, I am a better person for having met you honey.

We're all here to read and write back to you. We care about you. A lot.

Jac said...

And the magic of this, for me, has become, that reading over your struggles and your emotional-wrangling, helps me to do the same thing. I am blown away by the universality of the human struggle, and those of you who are articulate and brave enough to post and blog, do a tremendous service for us who read your words and resonate so deeply! Kudos to you!

Sunny Delight said...

We are all a mixed bag of emotions much of the time, but there are times, especially lately when I do question my sanity!

You do me so much honor with your words, you have taught me so much! Given me so much support, and in reading your own "life stories" I gain courage to fight my own battles. Thank you so much for that! And so much more! I care a lot, a whole lot!

Sunny Delight said...

Reading others does the same for me, one of the best parts of the blogging experience is reading the words of others, realizing how universal we all are, and yet, so very unique as well.

I cannot express how much I have learned and grown from reading so many of my fellow bloggers, regardless of the content of their blogs...and I often learn even more from the comments made...nonbloggers and bloggers alike.

Thank you so very much for sharing your own wisdom, love, and support.