Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Just Ride

Ride the wind, the burning searing wind.
Ride, ride, ride, until the heat is no more.
Ride until there is a tidal wave of air enveloping every pore. Ride, ride faster, increase the speed, ride until your hair streams out in a line behind you, ride until the skin of your face is flattened, ride until you are flying. Ride until the wind tears your eyes, ride until you cannot differentiate your breath from the wind. Ride until the exposed skin no longer tingles, ride until it is tight, taut, ride until it feels washed clean by the very abrasiveness of speed itself. Ride, ride, ride. Ride until there is no thought, ride until fear becomes exhilaration, ride until you think you can take no more, and ride some more. Ride until muscles tremble from the ever constant small shifts and leanings. Ride until your body knows no other way to be.

Many years ago, I was often the passenger on the back of a speeding motorcycle, today, the memory of those hot summer day long rides filled me, reminding me of how it feels to push aside fear, and just ride.

Vulnerability filled me today. Some of the whys I know, some I do not wish to examine too closely. A vulnerability engendered perhaps by the many emotion filled moments experienced these past few months of ups, downs, and all arounds..

I examined this vulnerability of mine today, in a remembering of sorts.

I am vulnerable now, today, in a way I have not been for many years.
I am open, my mind is open to the words of others, my heart is open to the emotions of others. I am capable of being wounded once again, wounded deeply. The possibility of sustaining damage, is what allowing myself to become vulnerable means to me.

During the eons of being sliced up by the words and actions of another, I learned to close myself off in a pose of self-protection. I soon possessed the talent of seeming indifferent to the small spurs flung at my heart. When I felt too exposed, when I felt my heart might get pierced once again by the weapons of another, by those words and actions that wound, I found my heart had become enclosed in a shield of frozen tears.

Today, the tears are no longer frozen, there are times when the salt from the melting tears still burn, still sting, as they flow over those small wounds still residing in my heart, and in my psyche. But I think...maybe...I even heart will remain open to whatever comes my way from now on. I will allow the tears, as well as the joys, to freely touch me, touch me completely.

In these past few months I have experienced something I have not since my teens. I have opened myself to those beings that people my life on a daily basis. I absorb them, they in turn absorb me, and what I have found most amazing of all...they like me...and some even love me. Me! The real me...not just the Sunny I have often projected...just me.

I am vulnerable, susceptible to being wounded, but, I am also susceptible to being loved, and loving in return. A very heady feeling, a feeling that needs to be ridden full out.


Fiona said...

Through posts and comments, and countless emails in both directions, I have come to know you Sunny. And in knowing you, I have come to love you. And in loving you I have come to count you as a very very close friend.

Our vulnerability is a reflection of our human-ness, something that endears us to one another. We don't get it right every time and that makes us feel vulnerable. But the important thing is to do exactly as you do, which is to never give up on anything at all.

Big giant hugs!

Sunny Delight said... darling friend, you have been so important to me, in learning to allow others to know me, in learning to trust, in learning to open my heart fully in loving my friends...and welcoming new ones in...thank you for that...from the bottom of my wounded heart and tattered soul...I thank you for that. I love you my dear friend!

Jonas said...

"I am vulnerable, susceptible to being wounded, but, I am also susceptible to being loved, and loving in return. A very heady feeling, a feeling that needs to be ridden full out."

Oh, I know this feeling well! A beautiful entry.

deb said...

I heard a song today that reminds me of what you wrote about, it was by Martin Simpson but can't find it on the internet. It was about having the feelings of a young man but not being young anymore. It was sweet.

Glad you're able to open up again and let yourself be loved.

Sunny Delight said...

Jon...I am just beginning this ride, and I am going to try my very best to ride for all it is worth... wounds do heal...and embracing love and being loved...helps them do just that...or so I tell myself.

Deb...if you find it let me know, I would like to hear it.

Slowly, with many faltering, and sometimes backwards steps, I think I am getting to the place I need to be...'tis a hope anyway.