Words, so many words have been typed out upon my keyboard over the past few years. So many, that the letters n and m have been worn away, I find them by touch alone.
In thinking about all of these words written, and self-published here, I do wonder...
Have I grown? Have I changed? If so, has it been for the better? Has this public catharsis been good for me? Will I eventually reach a point when I no longer feel the need to post my thoughts here? Are the answers to these questions I ask and answer today, the same answers I will find tomorrow?
I think, I hope, I have grown during these past few years. Most days, I answer in the affirmative. Yes, yes, I have. Other days, I do still wonder.
I know I feel stronger emotionally. Somehow even though the two are connected, I do not feel I have become stronger from the writing alone. I am also stronger because of the few wonderful friends I have made through this online medium of thought and self-expression.
When I review the life I was living just a few short years ago, to the life I am living now, I have often wondered, would the changes I have made occurred, if I had not been slogging my way through the public blogging world?
My first few blogs were totally private, for no eyes but my own. Then I "met" someone online, we established a connection of sorts...he shared his public blog with me, and I created another private blog to share with him, and a few others. Soon, out of a fit of pique and uncertainty, I then created another...one that evolved rather quickly from a tongue-in-cheek poke at the world of online chat, and the relationships established, to one that became a true attempt by me to examine this online world we are all a part of. I eventually began expressing portions of myself that had been hidden away in the deep dark recesses of my heart and soul. In a rather ambiguous way, I was reaching out, in an attempt to find me.
Soon, it seemed, a time arrived when I realized there were subjects I wished to write of that did not fit in the Confessions blog. Thus, I created this one. It too evolved over time, it became a public airing of my past, my now, my future. So much so, that I cannot remember the last time I wrote an entry in my private blog. Of this I too wonder. Why do I post here? Is it because I need to read the thoughts of others in regard to what I am feeling? I believe this to be so.
But, I have come to notice in recent weeks, I have less I want to write about and post. Or, if I do post, I may soon delete. So many thoughts, so many emotions are gnawing away within me...but there are times when I just cannot find the words to express the depth of emotion in a way that makes sense. The random thoughts, the flashes of insight, are in an ever constant state of transformation, and I know not what to do with them. Or, I end up expressing them more personally in email form.
I am connected to myself and others by what I view as tenuous, often ambivalent threads of thought, of emotion. I am often unable to truly define them. I am unable to find any consistency of emotion. There is very little clarity abiding within me at the moment. Thus, I soon feel lost, uncentered. I begin to understand, in my inner seeking, but I have no idea of how to share these convoluted mixes of thought and emotion. I am a rambler through this emotionally charged cornucopia of questions and answers.
(as an aside...my ramblings today, were described to me as creative...how cool is that?)
Even in the midst of my most anguished filled moments, I used to be able to write them out, the writing process itself aiding me in achieving clarity.
But, now, today, I feel...hmmm...I cannot even seem to find the proper words to describe these feelings.
Turmoil, angst, worry, and fear war within me. They war with moments of calm, moments of an almost ethereal grace, moments in which I feel joy, moments in which I feel mindful, moments in which I feel an abiding love for myself, and those that people my world.
I wonder, I ponder, I analyze, I over think, I under think, I retreat, I move forward, I find balance, and then...I reach...a moment...in which there is serenity...but that moment is so short-lived, that when it passes, I again wonder...will I ever achieve it?
Funny, my mind is filled with thoughts, yet, I am unable to write them all out...I think, no, I know, I need to sleep an entire night without waking every few hours. 'Tis amazing what a few hours of uninterrupted sleep can achieve.
*Blogger ramble...Why is it, that if I buy a cheap lighter, it takes at least 6 flicks before the damn thing produces a flame? Two of them now, in one week...this engenders within me small fits of frustration. An easier frustration to deal with? Than the fact that my bottle of wine is empty?