Saturday, September 22, 2007

Relationships...Vulnerability...What this Girl Wants...Maybe

As a result of the pondering involved in my last entry, I have once again found myself, pursuing the idea of relationships, I seem to have multiple blog entries on the subject, especially over at confessions, in reading them, I realize how much my thinking has changed in the last few years.

This time though, I have been attempting to determine where my continual feelings of vulnerability are coming from. I find my thoughts tumbling all over the place when I seek to find answers.

* * * * * * *

So much not going and going on in my life.

I am procrastinating on the next stage of the divorce process...the settlement portion...this leaves me feeling impatient with myself, and very vulnerable.

But, I am attempting to get out more, experience more, do the things I used to not do. I have done more purely social things with people in the past few months than I have in years. Compared to this time a year ago, those are some pretty big changes. Compared to two/three years ago, even though I was gone almost every week night involved in one volunteer activity or another, it is still a big deal, because now I am doing things for me, not for some organization, not because of my children, not to...just not be home...but for me, doing things that give me joy.

These friends, and the exchanges we share, each leave me feeling very special, I have the hope I give them the same gift in return.

Yet I feel impatience with myself, especially these occasions when a feeling of vulnerability starts sending tendrils of unease, tinged with sadness through me.

In dealing with this issue of relationships and vulnerability...




























I think I have much to learn/relearn about relationships, all sorts of relationships, from casual acquaintanceships to intimate, loving relationships.

Anyway...

As I contemplated all of this, and my impatience with myself...I also could not help thinking about, just a little bit, some of my somewhen dreams, my someday wishes.

No matter how much I try to not have them, I do have several barely-focused dreams of my future post-divorce.

Some of those dreams involve knowing, very strongly knowing, I must spend time with me, alone, my fantasies have me enjoying that time, exploring, and reveling in it.

My children are practically grown. With luck, by this time next year, both will be out on their own, or at least away at school, studying, exploring, learning, experimenting, diving into life.

(I fear for Mr. Son, he is way too much like me in many ways, and that is limiting the choices he makes.)

I wish for myself too... the discovery of more of...of...everything! I used to think that a selfish wish, now I think of it as part of the continual growing into the me I want to be, whoever she may be.

So, anyway...

These dreams are tempered with the knowledge I have much grieving/healing still to do, I also have a strong feeling that I am not the sort who can hole up alone and hermit-like to heal, I must be out, expanding my horizons, allowing people into my life. All sorts of people. I am trying.

(this also is advice I receive from every woman I know who has gone through a divorce, they each continually encourage me to allow more and more people in)


The other night, an old friend said something to me, that really hit home. I had told him that I have many people in my life I care about, but I also often wonder why I keep involved with some of them, as there are many facets of their personalities I really don't like. There are only a very few people I enjoy spending more than small amounts of time with. His comment back to me was...

"So? People are what bring us happiness, not the trappings so many think are so important like money and things, but people, all kinds of people. So what if you have people in your life that you don't like all of the time? They are in your life because you like them a part of the time.

There is something about them that makes you happy...some of the time.

Enjoy them when you're with them. When you tire of them, then the time has come to leave. See them again when you can take them for a few more hours, knowing that you will enjoy that time, and when you're no longer happy in their presence, it's time to leave again. We don't have to like them all of the time, but we can, and should enjoy the times we do." (sorta paraphrasing, but the heart of it is there)

It does make sense to me. These "sometime people"in my life, have many things about them I don't like, but there is some thing, some aspect about them that I do enjoy in small doses. So, why not enjoy them then? When I can't stand them anymore, I know it is time to leave. There will be a next time. I like that idea.

Maybe though, I like it, because when I have thoughts of those people, I rarely end up feeling vulnerable...they are people I can take or leave, no problem. It is the ones I really care about that I often feel that vulnerability with.





























I am often quite comfortable just being with me, plus I don't feel vulnerable then, but, I have also realized I am the sort who enjoys having other people in my life. The years of my marriage, in which it made for easier marital accord to cut myself off from other people, taught me that. I like having a support system, I had too many years without one.

Humans are social creatures, pack animals, most of us thrive when we allow others to be a part of our pack. I wish to remember it is important to have in my life, people who intrigue me, people who give me joy, people who expand my horizons. I want to be be able to give them the same gifts.

To do that though, I have to learn to unfold my heart, to trust again. I am not sure I am fully able to accomplish that yet. 'Tis a rare day when I make overtures of friendship to someone first.
























Which brings me to further contemplation of this relationship thing...

Even though I fear it, I also am pretty sure, there will be a someday, when I will want more, when I will desire a special someone in my life full time, a someone who will add another dimension to me, a someone I will enjoy almost all of the time. A someone who will enhance my life, a someone whose life I will enhance by my being a part of it. There will be a desire within me to have a...gulp...committed, intimate loving relationship again.

In knowing I will want this, I have asked myself many questions. (who'da thunkit? me? ask myself questions?)

Do I know what I want in a partner-lover? In even the simplest of ways, do I have any idea, of what I will want/need/desire from my future who?

One thing I do know...my relationship needs have changed, and, I am fairly confident they will continue to change as I move forward with my life.

Anyway....

I tried to make myself think it through...


I think...
I will want a someone who...
I can freely express my love to, and have that love accepted as it is, fears and all.

I think...
I will want a someone who...
will give me the gift of their love, fears and all. A love I will truly feel. (the thing is...I do wonder how long it will take to trust it...that vulnerability again...gotta lotta healing to do in this area)

I think...
I will want a someone who...
will put his arms around me tightly, and hold me close, for as long as I need, just because I ask him too, I want someone who is willing to ask the same of me. There are times when I need to feel protected and cherished, and that does it for me.

I think...
I will want a someone who...
will share and compromise with me, debate with me, argue with me, make me think.

I think...
I will want a someone...
to tease, to tempt, to entice, to laugh with me, flirt with me, be silly with me, to simply enjoy the small things with. (ya'know, like lying on our backs in the grass, watching the clouds float by, or hawks riding the thermals?)

I think...
I will want a someone who...
will see and accept me as I am, fears, flaws, and failings, weaknesses and wrinkles, quirks and eccentricities, but, who will also see what and who I can be, who will encourage me to stretch myself further than I ever have before.
























I think...
I will want a someone who understands that...
As a woman who revels in all that is sensual...my selfish feminine nature will lead me to...
Days when I will need to feel that to him, I am the most magnificent creature on earth.
Days when I will passionately need to feel his touch, his lips, him, all of him.
Days when I will need to hear him tell me how much he wants me.
Days when I will want him so desperately I will ache.

I think...
I will want a someone who understands that...
As a woman who is introverted and needs some inward time to recharge...
There will be times when I will want him close, but, that I also need some space to retreat within, hoping he will understand/accept that it is not him I am retreating from, but myself, or the stresses of life itself.
There will be times when I will be unable to tell him exactly what I am feeling, but with his patience it will come.


Funny thing is...I have never had what I just wrote....maybe I never will...



























But, I will never have it, I will not have that choice, if I do not stay open, fully open to love, vulnerabilities and all.


Adding to my confusion...

In asking what I wanted, I also had to think of myself as a future/someday partner-lover, I do wonder about myself. I learned many self-protective, even damaging behaviors over the years of my marriage.

I learned it is easier to not say what I am feeling, than to have those feelings thrown back at me as untrue. I learned to distrust. I learned to fear anger. I learned to fear being controlled. I learned others do not forgive as easily as I do. I learned others are not as accepting as I am. I learned what it feels like to be loved conditionally (if it was love). Mostly I learned to hide deep within.

But during the past few years, I also fought those learned behaviors, and continue to fight them. In the process I have also learned that I can unlearn what I do not believe. Unequivocally, I do not believe any of the things about love and relationships my soon-to-be-ex-husband teaches/believes, they are not healthy, true, or loving

Today, in my relationships, all of them, I try very hard to be communicative...if I feel it, and it confuses me, I try to understand it... if it is important, I say it.

Step one to healing...

Open to giving love, simply loving as freely as I can, leaving the fear behind.

I am trying, and will keep trying...I really hate this vulnerability thing though.






2 comments:

deb said...

"Funny thing is...I have never had what I just wrote....maybe I never will..."

You don't ask, you don't get.

I'm learning to say what I think and say how I feel now too. I was always afraid to before, thought I was wrong to feel as I did but I wasn't. I'm learning to speak my truth, with kindness. I'm making ripples in my pond that are affecting those around me but I realize now that's okay. They can be affected by what I do, it's up to them how they want to deal with it.

Sunny Delight said...

Wise words Deb, and I will keep attempting to 'say' what I want...when I know...lately it seems I am not really sure what I want...I really only know it is different than what I had...