"... take a few minutes to look at the parts of your life that stimulate your innermost desires..."
I read the above line, and reread it, and read it again.
I'm not sure, I know what they are anymore. My innermost desires.
My mind is so full of just getting through the day, the next week, the next month, and the next...I have stopped playing with dreams of what I wish my future to contain...and yet...
My Innermost desires?
It should be simple now. I should know. I am 48 years old. Aren't I suppose to know?
* * * * * * *
Early last week, after hearing the very sad story of a woman only a few years older than myself. I experienced a deep visceral reaction, a life long desire came rushing at me.
Her life changed in an instant, she was pumping her car full of gasoline, when she suffered a massive stroke, a few months later came two heart attacks, a month after those, she was diagnosed with colon cancer. Life, for her, has become very difficult. Before...she was happily meandering her way through life, yet, in one day, it was all gone. Nothing will be simple for her again.
The story of her life is a pretty great one up until that fateful day last March. She is a person I would admire greatly if I knew her. She lived a simple, fulfilling life. She enjoyed her work, she gave back many times over to her community. She once enjoyed a life she considered rich and full.
It can happen to anyone.
It can happen to me.
So, what do I do about that?
As ASPI told me her story, so many scenarios ran through my brain, dreams I have half-heartedly entertained for years. Roadtrips, travel to near and far places. An urge to go...to go NOW!
My return comment to him was, "I don't want that to happen to me, I haven't done all the things I need to do yet."
ASPI replied, "Yeah, I know what you mean."
"I need to quit my job, and hit the road. I'll rely on the kindness of strangers to see me through."
Thinking back over it now though, there was a serious undertone in what I said.
I can't seem to let it go. Her story, my response.
When I think back over my life, I realize I have been waiting, and waiting, and waiting, pushing my innermost desires so far back, so deep, that I no longer recognize them.
But, my immediate instinctive reaction was...Is this a risk I am willing to take?
I can't wait much longer. I don't want to wait any longer.
Alas though, my practical side came to the fore.
I have to wait, I have to have financial security for my old age. I don't have that yet.
But, my gut screams out at me. Do it! Do it! Do it! What if I don't have tomorrow?
I want to do it, want to so badly. I will always continue to search inward, but, I need more, I need to search outward, before I can be who I want to be at the end of my days.
But I won't do it, not this year.
I have a daughter that I must see settled into college. I am not worried about Mr. Son, I can encourage him, I can attempt to inspire him, but that is all, the rest is up to him. So, that leaves Miss Daughter.
Then...then...I tell myself...then it will be my turn.
But what will I do when it is my turn?
Will I let practicality win?
Or, will I find a way, to have both? Is that possible?
There are moments in life...small moments...which we must watch carefully for...or we may miss them.
I think I have missed some moments...I don't want to miss anymore.
If I continue on the path I am now following...I will miss more though.
It really sucks...this being a grown-up.