Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Innermost Desires?





























"...
take a few minutes to look at the parts of your life that stimulate your innermost desires..."

~Daily OM~

I read the above line, and reread it, and read it again.

I'm not sure, I know what they are anymore. My innermost desires.

My mind is so full of just getting through the day, the next week, the next month, and the next...I have stopped playing with dreams of what I wish my future to contain...and yet...

My Innermost desires?

It should be simple now. I should know. I am 48 years old. Aren't I suppose to know?


* * * * * * *

Early last week, after hearing the very sad story of a woman only a few years older than myself. I experienced a deep visceral reaction, a life long desire came rushing at me.

Her life changed in an instant, she was pumping her car full of gasoline, when she suffered a massive stroke, a few months later came two heart attacks, a month after those, she was diagnosed with colon cancer. Life, for her, has become very difficult. Before...she was happily meandering her way through life, yet, in one day, it was all gone. Nothing will be simple for her again.

The story of her life is a pretty great one up until that fateful day last March. She is a person I would admire greatly if I knew her. She lived a simple, fulfilling life. She enjoyed her work, she gave back many times over to her community. She once enjoyed a life she considered rich and full.

It can happen to anyone.

It can happen to me.

So, what do I do about that?

As ASPI told me her story, so many scenarios ran through my brain, dreams I have half-heartedly entertained for years. Roadtrips, travel to near and far places. An urge to go...to go NOW!

My return comment to him was, "I don't want that to happen to me, I haven't done all the things I need to do yet."

ASPI replied, "Yeah, I know what you mean."

"I need to quit my job, and hit the road. I'll rely on the kindness of strangers to see me through."

ASPI laughed.

Thinking back over it now though, there was a serious undertone in what I said.
I can't seem to let it go. Her story, my response.

When I think back over my life, I realize I have been waiting, and waiting, and waiting, pushing my innermost desires so far back, so deep, that I no longer recognize them.

But, my immediate instinctive reaction was...Is this a risk I am willing to take?
I can't wait much longer. I don't want to wait any longer.

Alas though, my practical side came to the fore.
I have to wait, I have to have financial security for my old age. I don't have that yet.

But, my gut screams out at me. Do it! Do it! Do it! What if I don't have tomorrow?

I want to do it, want to so badly. I will always continue to search inward, but, I need more, I need to search outward, before I can be who I want to be at the end of my days.

But I won't do it, not this year.
I have a daughter that I must see settled into college. I am not worried about Mr. Son, I can encourage him, I can attempt to inspire him, but that is all, the rest is up to him. So, that leaves Miss Daughter.

Then...then...I tell myself...then it will be my turn.

But what will I do when it is my turn?

Will I let practicality win?

Or, will I find a way, to have both? Is that possible?

There are moments in life...small moments...which we must watch carefully for...or we may miss them.

I think I have missed some moments...I don't want to miss anymore.

If I continue on the path I am now following...I will miss more though.

It really sucks...this being a grown-up.




13 comments:

deb said...

I feel the same way, waiting and waiting for others and I want my turn. Now! I've waited long enough.

SoCal Sal said...

Wow! I don’t know that I could even start to deal with that. So many angles, so many perspectives. Is there even a “right” one?

Sunny Delight said...

deb,
You will get there, from reading you, I feel that.

Myself, I have the same hope...I am setting myself a goal of sorts...before the end of summer 2008 I will have visited at least one of my top 10 places here in the U.S., and if I am really good at saving my money, one of my "out of U.S." places too. Cross your fingers for me.

sal,
I don't know if there is a "right" one, but I am feeling my mortality, feeling some old and many new dreams nudging at me...soon I have to fully acknowledge them.

X. Dell said...

It's strange when you read the obits and find the story of people your age or younger who have passed away from natural causes. You wonder why them, and not you.

Then again, if you see people of all ages winning the ottery, you might say the same thing.

There's a bit of randomness in the cosmos. The exact same conditions, the exact same cercumstances, and injuries or pathologies can strike two different people. One will be fine, the other will be gravely ill, or illy in the grave.

The only thing we can do in the meantime is live. After all, none of us are getting out of this existence alive.

We can prepare for some things, sure, especially if we have a legacy or heirs to leave behind. Seems to be a tragedy, though, if that kind of business tends to occupy our thoughts to the point where we become distressed about it.

My best to the woman you know, obviously. But in the meantime, there are desires to track, innermost and otherwise. Right now, I have a desire to walk down that road in the picture you just posted.

Snowqueen said...

TOUCHE...I know the feeling. My mantra at the moment is "Find what scares me most and just JUMP' ... finding someting I have a passion for is the hard part. Nothing interests me. I have no ties, I can move at whim, and do, but still am liek an anchorless boat searching for direction and purpose.

S'mee said...

Another realy thought provoking post Sunny. Wish I had an answer.
IanS.

Mia said...

yup. it totally sucks monkey butt. Thank God for cocktails and xanax.

Sunny Delight said...

x.dell,
You give me so much to think about. I don't think I am anxious about it all yet. I try not to be, but there are moments when I would love to feel invulnerable to the future. When I want to "Just Do It!"
Hiking a similar road to that pictured may be the best first step I can take at the moment.

snowqueen,
Your mantra, "Find what scares me most and just JUMP' is a thought provoking one.

Ian,
Dancing...maybe...the answer IS dancing. SUH

mia,
The cocktails (eh, wine in my case) I have tried, Xanax...hmmm something new to add perhaps.

Sunny Delight said...

x.dell,
You give me so much to think about. I don't think I am anxious about it all yet. I try not to be, but there are moments when I would love to feel invulnerable to the future. When I want to "Just Do It!"
Hiking a similar road to that pictured may be the best first step I can take at the moment.

snowqueen,
Your mantra, "Find what scares me most and just JUMP' is a thought provoking one.

Ian,
Dancing...maybe...the answer IS dancing. SUH

mia,
The cocktails (eh, wine in my case) I have tried, Xanax...hmmm something new to add perhaps.

S'mee said...

Two lots of dancing.... and two SUH's? A senior moment Sunny? lol....

Sunny Delight said...

A blogger moment! One in which the word verification came up a second time...so thought it didn't add the comment...ah well... Who says extra dances...and extra SUH's are a bad thing? :-)

S'mee said...

I'm not complaining;-)

Sunny Delight said...

You might even get an extra SUH for that!