Monday, October 29, 2007

Up, Down, Barely Up, and Down Again

My brain is mush, and has been complete mush for days.

I really thought I was doing OK, getting through this divorce stuff, then at the latter end of the week, I felt myself sinking, fast. Melancholy hit me like a ton of bricks.

But I carry on, for what else can one do, but carry on?

Today, I asked a co-worker, "Can one just quit, walk away, check-out?"
She replied, "Be careful of your phrasing, I have a different definition of checking-out."

Was that a Freudian slip on my part? I did wonder.

I am grieving, worried, frightened, suffering the anxiety I have held at bay these many months. The feelings have been there in the background, but most of the time I have been able to tamp them down, attempt to breath through them all, and consciously tell myself, "Let it go, just let it go." But, recently, my little mantra doesn't seem to work anymore.

I can still smile...laugh. That is a good thing...right?

But it takes very little for me to sink low again, to fight for sleep, or sleep too much.

It's funny, the emotions I can deal with, a few tears here and there are OK, they relieve the emotional buildup.

But not being able to hold onto a coherent thought, not to being able to dive into my mind and find facts, facts I need to perform my job. That causes me more distress that the emotional slump.

Caffeine doesn't help, I drank 5 extra large cups of coffee before 11:00 AM, and I still felt as if my brain cells weren't firing

Deficient...a good word for it. I am deficient in ability. I am deficient in my ability to communicate, to use the knowledge I know I have. When I really think about it, it has been many months since I could elucidate my thoughts in any meaningful sense.

A few rare moments, my mind snaps back, when I attempt not to think, but to just do. A young man came into the agency today, needing to be informed of the various programs and services our agency has to offer. My mind froze...programs? services? But then, as my eyes quickly glanced around our library...and I allowed my focus to encompass it all...I was able to spew it out, all that we do. The information coherent, organized, meaningful. When I finished my small presentation, there was no look of confusion on his face. He understood what we do, in fact was excited to find so many programs and services available in one place. That small moment left me feeling good...for about 10 minutes.

Then I felt the tightening in my neck and shoulders, felt myself deflating. I didn't give in this time, I squared my shoulders, held my head high, took a deep breath, and went on with the day. Dealing with one problem at a time, one moment at a time. At times, even forgetting the ever present melancholy that has overtaken me.

So, I tell myself, I know, even though it seems impossible at times, I will carry on, there will be an end to this, just as there was an end to my marriage, just as there will be a FINAL end to the divorce...sigh...someday.

In the meantime, while I continue to battle my latest demons, you can have some fun, carving up your very own Cyber Jack O' Lantern here.


Anonymous said...

You sounds depressed. Have you ever considered anti depressants? Just a thought.

Definition of a Freudian slip,

When you say one thing but mean your mother:)

SoCal Sal said...

Elucidate … I had to look that one up. Thank you.

“Checking out” means different things to different generations. I don’t think it was a slip on your part. I would envision a get away weekend, in a cabin far, far away. No cell phones. Some wine, a couple big fatties, and some soft music.

Yes there will be an end, yes you will get there, and I am sure happiness awaits.


Mia said...

Amen girl. one breath at a time.. that's the best we can do.

the wine and a couple of "fatties" never hurt either.

Sometimes those demons are big and scary.. but we're stronger.

Hang in there.

Fiona said...

Oh Sunny I totally know the feeling of the brain freezing into an inability to function. I think it's just tiredness and that's not only from lack of good sleep.

Hang in there, it's a tough ride to be sure but you are bigger and better than the demons which are trotting along beside you right now. I know you'll outrun them.

Your friends are here for you...I just wish I was close enough to take you on a spa date! Soon though ;)

Big hugs

Sunny Delight said...

An option I am considering. Exercise alone doesn't seem to take the edge off of the depression, the effects only last about an hour or so. Sooo...

Hmmm...the mother thing...even though that line brought a smile...I also realized something...a cuddle from Mom, would feel really good about now, but oh! the tears would really fall then!

I really like your vision, I can so expand on that...thanks for the daydream. Although the last "fattie" of which I partook...made me paranoid as all hell! That I don't need right now!

I am trying, and, you're right, the demons are much scarier looking than they really are...I need to remember that...thanks for reminding me, I am strong enough to beat them.

Darling woman...sigh...I am so tired of feeling mushy brained and tired...

But, I do have my running shoes nearby in case of need!

Ya'know? A spa date...or the homegrown Sunny-Spa that jac once spoke of...sounds absolutely FANTASTIC! Especially with Ginger/Lime Martinis!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I have said it before, and I will say it online friends...are an additional support system...that at times is exactly what is needed to give me an added boost/smile. Thank you all!

Many Hugs!

S'mee said...

I sometimes feel I could sleep for 24 straight. I doubt things would be any better if I did. I'm sending a BIG S.U.H by first class mail. Take care.

Fiona said...

Sleep? Hell I feel I need to hibernate at this point *L*

Sunny...I believe in you.

Hugs - SUHs amongst them :)

X. Dell said...

Being able to smile and laugh is a good thing, I think. Being able to enjoy a few things now and then is better. Feeling confidence is best yet.

Given what you've been going through, you seem to he doing as well, if not better, than many others would were they in your situation. I've known people so devastated after a separation that they're always tired. A couple stopped trying to get out of bed, even if they had to use the restroom.

That a little could bring you down isn't a failing on your part. It's the cost of heartache, most likely exacerbated by the time of year (fall/winter seems like partyime to these types of feelings).

If you're still fighting to be okay, more power to you. If you get tired of fighting, let someone else do the battling for awhile. There's no harm or shame in seeking help.

It might help, though, if you keep reminding yourself that you've done the right thing. You've explained your reasons here quite well. I don't see any reason to second-guess yourself.