Monday, October 29, 2007
Up, Down, Barely Up, and Down Again
My brain is mush, and has been complete mush for days.
I really thought I was doing OK, getting through this divorce stuff, then at the latter end of the week, I felt myself sinking, fast. Melancholy hit me like a ton of bricks.
But I carry on, for what else can one do, but carry on?
Today, I asked a co-worker, "Can one just quit, walk away, check-out?"
She replied, "Be careful of your phrasing, I have a different definition of checking-out."
Was that a Freudian slip on my part? I did wonder.
I am grieving, worried, frightened, suffering the anxiety I have held at bay these many months. The feelings have been there in the background, but most of the time I have been able to tamp them down, attempt to breath through them all, and consciously tell myself, "Let it go, just let it go." But, recently, my little mantra doesn't seem to work anymore.
I can still smile...laugh. That is a good thing...right?
But it takes very little for me to sink low again, to fight for sleep, or sleep too much.
It's funny, the emotions I can deal with, a few tears here and there are OK, they relieve the emotional buildup.
But not being able to hold onto a coherent thought, not to being able to dive into my mind and find facts, facts I need to perform my job. That causes me more distress that the emotional slump.
Caffeine doesn't help, I drank 5 extra large cups of coffee before 11:00 AM, and I still felt as if my brain cells weren't firing
Deficient...a good word for it. I am deficient in ability. I am deficient in my ability to communicate, to use the knowledge I know I have. When I really think about it, it has been many months since I could elucidate my thoughts in any meaningful sense.
A few rare moments, my mind snaps back, when I attempt not to think, but to just do. A young man came into the agency today, needing to be informed of the various programs and services our agency has to offer. My mind froze...programs? services? But then, as my eyes quickly glanced around our library...and I allowed my focus to encompass it all...I was able to spew it out, all that we do. The information coherent, organized, meaningful. When I finished my small presentation, there was no look of confusion on his face. He understood what we do, in fact was excited to find so many programs and services available in one place. That small moment left me feeling good...for about 10 minutes.
Then I felt the tightening in my neck and shoulders, felt myself deflating. I didn't give in this time, I squared my shoulders, held my head high, took a deep breath, and went on with the day. Dealing with one problem at a time, one moment at a time. At times, even forgetting the ever present melancholy that has overtaken me.
So, I tell myself, I know, even though it seems impossible at times, I will carry on, there will be an end to this, just as there was an end to my marriage, just as there will be a FINAL end to the divorce...sigh...someday.
In the meantime, while I continue to battle my latest demons, you can have some fun, carving up your very own Cyber Jack O' Lantern here.