Saturday, November 24, 2007

Mixed Feelings

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All in all the past few days have been some of the very best I have enjoyed in a very long while.

This past Wednesday evening I did not think it would be so.

The feeling of being a puppet on a string came back to me full force.

On Wednesday morning, I telephoned my soon-to-be-ex to request a key to the house, so that while he and my children were away for the Thanksgiving holiday weekend, I could go through all of our years of photographs, and separate them out, some for him, some for me. I also had hoped to sort through our Christmas decorations, and to gather together the rest of the winter clothing I had left there. During our phone conversation, after finding out that I did not have my old house key anymore, (we never locked the house, I lost it long ago), he agreed to leave me a key.

He was quite pleasant about it.

I should have smelled a rat.

On my way home from work on Wednesday evening, I called Mr. Son on his mobile phone, to find out what time they were leaving for their trip. He told me they were already on the road. I was disappointed because I did not have the opportunity to tell them goodbye in person, I then remembered the house key, and requested Mr. Son to ask his father where he left it. I heard my soon-to-be-ex tell him, "I didn't leave one, the house is locked up, but I boxed up all the photographs and they are at the river place." After hearing this, I told my son to tell his sister I loved her, told him I loved him, and wished them a safe and happy trip.

I closed my cell phone, and growled. Grrrrrrrrrrrr! I was livid! I cannot remember the last time I felt so angry at my soon-to-be-ex. What is this control game? My mind couldn't grasp it. Why did he tell me he would leave me a key, and then not? Why? The only answer. He is still in control that way.

Today I heard a song, a portion of the lyrics really resonated deeply, my thinking... "This has been my life. Is that the way I want to live the rest of it? No, no, is not."

Because of you,
I never stray too
far from the sidewalk

Because of you
I learned to play
on the safe side
so I don't get hurt

Because of you
I find it hard to trust
not only me, but everyone around me

Because of you
I am afraid....

I lose my way
and it's not to long before you
point it out

I cannot cry
because I know that's weakness
in your eyes

I'm forced to
fake a smile, a
laugh, every day
of my life

My heart can't possibly break when
it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too
far from the sidewalk

Because of you
I learned to play
on the safe side
so I don't get hurt

Because of you
I find it hard to trust
not only me, but
everyone around me

Because of you
I am afraid

~Because of You~ By Kelly Clarkson~

* * * * * * *

I didn't plan it, but I ended up drinking way, way too much wine on Wednesday evening. I was drunk, so drunk I ended up feeling sick, oh so very sick.

The good part of being so sick though, is I awoke on Thursday, expecting the mother of all hangovers, but I felt pretty good, which was....good.

Thursday through today, I decided to just enjoy myself, and make use of the time I had alone, and I did. It was thoroughly enjoyable. I didn't accomplish a lot on Thanksgiving day, and I wasn't sad to be alone either. I lazed away most of the day, but it was so very needed, plus I was still feeling a tad bit angry. But I finally let the anger go, I gave him control still... my anger was what he wanted.

So, instead of fretting, and moping, I got active. For the first time since I moved here, I decided to make the attempt, a real attempt, at making this place feel more like home. I cleaned, I rearranged, I made some repairs. The place looks so much better, most importantly, I feel a whole lot better! In fact...gasp! I feel HAPPY! Which is simply amazing in itself.

* * * * * * *

There is one thing making me feel very very very very unhappy though. I feel downright horrible about it actually.

November 21st was a very special day, and I forgot it.

Each of the evenings I have spent on my own (feeling very serene might I add), I ended my evening by watching a movie on DVD, I enjoyed each of them enormously. And, each night, as I sat there watching, I would thank the person responsible for me having that opportunity. I would hold up my glass of wine, and say, "Thank you Fiona." For you see, she sent me a care package. She sent me a package full of DVDs. I am so very grateful to her, for her generosity, her warm heart, her many wise words. She is a very special woman. I do not believe I could have gotten through the past 15 months as well as I have without her. She has kept me going when I didn't think I could. She gave me a cyberboot in the rear when I needed it most. No one could ask for a better friend. There is no one like her. She is beautiful and unique.

Yet, I let her down. I forgot her birthday. I let it pass by without acknowledging it, or her. I feel terrible.

My dear friend, Fiona

Please, please forgive me.

I wish I were able to hand you a bouquet of real roses, I wish I were able to give them to you in person.

A very belated, but very heartfelt...


BBGR!!! Hug.

* * * * * * *


Fiona said...

Oh my gosh don't you dare feel bad about it. Truth is I was trying to forget it....but failed miserably *L*

I had a great day and when I came here today and saw a puppy and roses from my very special and beautiful friend, I cried tears of joy. I wasn't expecting that!! Thank you so much Sunny :)

I'm so sorry your plans for the house fell through, a clear demonstration of control and small-mindedness. I wish it could be better for you honey but one day all of this will be a memory and you'll have moved on, and be your whole and true self finally.

Big big big BGR hugs :)

I love you


Sunny Delight said...

I must feel bad, you deserve to have your special day celebrated! I should feel badly. I only wish I could do so much more.

My days off did not go as planned, neither set of them actually, but, in the end, it was for the best. I needed this time alone, and I think I used it wisely, and fulfillingly.

I love you too...

deb said...

Sounds like everything worked out for the best, in a strange way.

X. Dell said...

Wow. That certainly seemed as if that was designed to tick you off. Denying a person's autonomy, especially when she is aggresively seeking it, is about the most frustrating thing one person can do to another.

I think I'm getting a handle on why you wanted this divorce.

BTW, happy belated birthday wishes to Fiona.