Wednesday, November 28, 2007


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I keep thinking about a word that was in a comment from jac, transformation.

Transformation: change in form, appearance, nature, or character.
Synonyms: metamorphosis, adaptation, modification, adjustment, mid-course correction, revision.

I like it, the word, the definition, the synonyms. I am in the midst of self-transformation, a revision of self, and even...a revisiting my old (young) self.

I don't know if it is the medication, the four day holiday (the me time), my full acceptance that my marriage is over, has been over for many years, and that I, and he, must move on, or a combination of all of those factors, plus many others, but I have a calmness in my center that I have searched to find for so many years. I have developed more trust in myself, in the decisions I make, and will make. I am at the beginning stages of liking who I am, and who I want to be. I happy with the thought that no matter what I do, I am who I am.

I will even admit, that maybe, just maybe I do have a side to me that is "sweet". I keep getting told that, over and over, and over and eventually begins to believe it, even though I have no idea how, or why I would be described as sweet. I know I have a dark side, we all do, maybe mine is just hidden rather well.

I have a more certain knowledge of what I wish my future to contain, I am learning to trust my instincts again, my perceptions, those of others, and of myself. Good Golly Miss Molly! A few months ago, I was not sure that would ever happen again!

SC once told me to stop waiting, to "get on with it", this business of living. I do believe I am finally getting very close to doing just that. Knowing what I want to be when I grow up helps. I do know now. I have the confidence in myself that I never really had before, confidence that I am capable, that I can do it, and that I would be very good at it. It will take a lot of effort, a lot of money, a whole lot of time, and commitment, but within a year, I hope to be able to say, "I have finally done it! I have gone back to school, and have started work on my Masters Degree!"

The D word, the divorce becoming final will have a little bit, (or, a lot to do with that), but I have set it as a goal, one I can/will accomplish. (Miss Fi, if for some silly inane reason I don't go for that goal, another cyberboot in the rear please).

For years

I remained
Hidden from view
Afraid to show myself
or my true colors...

I begin to unfold my wings,
finding the courage
discovering my strength.

I take flight.

~Kirsti A.Dyer, MD, MS~

I still have worries, fears, I still have a long way to go, but with many of those fears and worries, I have finally allowed myself to become more ambivalent. They are worries I have no control over, things that will resolve themselves in their own good time, allowing them to become too important only causes anguish.

Anyway, this day, this night...I feel damn good!

I am grateful to feel this way, I am thankful those who populate my little corner of the world are healthy, and fairly content at this moment.

And, that is a great place to be, a grand place to be!

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Anonymous said...

Well, I think you have a sweet side. I don't know what you're like in real but you seem to be a kind, compassionate, loving woman who got told something different for a long time.

I'm finding a calmness in my centre as well, and it feels good. I think I'll always be the excitable type but I am becoming calmer, less volatile. Trying hard to let go of my fears, fear of making a mistake, fear of making others angry.

This growing older seems to be a good thing, a wonderful time of growth and increased self awareness.

I'm so glad you're feeling good, seeing yourself more clearly, not just how your husband defines you. Take care sweetie.

Sunny Delight said...

I try to be as much of myself here, as I am in "real", I am sure there are differences, because I can edit myself, but I do try.

I agree with you, there are times when I do wish my body felt younger, but I am truly excited about the personal/emotional growth in this age of becoming more. It is a good time of life.

I am also happy you too, are finding that calmer center, it is difficult to hold onto sometimes, but well worth the effort it has cost.

You too, take care.