Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Allowing a Life of Unity

Unity: Undivided or unbroken completeness or totality...

an absence of mental stress or anxiety.

Tranquility: an untroubled state, free from disturbances.

Contentment: a state of mind in which one's desires are confined to his lot whatever it may be.

Curiosity: the desire to learn or know about anything; inquisitiveness.

Joy: the emotion of great delight or happiness caused by something exceptionally good or satisfying.

Spontaneity: coming or resulting from a natural impulse or tendency; without effort or premeditation; natural and unconstrained; unplanned.

Spirituality: concern with things of the spirit.

Active/Engaged: engaged in action; characterized by energetic work, participation/to involve oneself or become occupied; participate.

Aware/Sensual: having knowledge; conscious; cognizant/pertaining to, inclined to, or preoccupied with the gratification of the senses.

Simplicity: freedom from deceit or guile; sincerity; artlessness; naturalness.

* * * * * * *

The word UNITY has been stuck in my consciousness for days. As I pondered the word, I began to think of other words I felt somehow defined what I seek within myself, and outwardly in the living of life itself. There were several more words that fluttered across my brain, but I confined myself to those I have listed above. They are more than enough for my feeble brain to contend with at this time. Enough to set my dreams in motion.

At times looking up the definitions of a word allows me to focus more intently on my own personal more emotional intuitive definition.

When researching the many definitions of each word, and choosing those that best bespoke my emotions regarding each word. I first had the thought, "how can these words help define my life, how can they define my dreams of the future me, some of them seem almost in conflict with each other, with unity?"

But essentially, they are each an essence of me, and/or how I wish to live my life.

As I sat down to add to this journal entry, I did not have to look far to find moments that bespeak how this life I live is on its way to me finding unity.

As I remembered/examined this day. today, I again realized my life is simpler now, when I allow it to be.

And when I allow myself to see the specialness of the moments experienced, I find some of that sought after unity.

Although my work day was stressful, I also feel pleased with it. As I review, I find accomplishment, and serenity in the knowledge I did good work today. I spent the day engaged...with callers, with coworkers, a few special conversational moments with a dear friend. My day was a mix of all that makes life good. (except for the weather, it was lousy).

Smiles, laughter, teasing, helpfulness, awareness, intellectual stimulation, interest, curiosity, activity, friendship, love, thoughtfulness, mindfulness, being...a day of just being me. It was a good day, a unified day. I left the office tired but content.

As I pulled into my driveway tonight, I was very aware I felt happy to be home.

Simplicity, contentment, awareness.

Even though it had been a long day, filled with stress, I had a sense of peace within me. I was home, and happy to be here. I hold inside, the knowledge of how nice that feels compared to how it felt to arrive home one year ago. Such a difference...in the past...I cringed when I arrived home...no smile on my face, no warm feeling in my heart then.

Today, Moose and Kiko were playing in the yard, Mr. Son was standing on the deck, talking to them, while insuring they wouldn't wander far from the house. As I exited the car, filling my arms with stuff to carry inside, Mr. Son and I greeted each other, pleasantly, happy to see each other. So nice. We chatted a few moments, while I began to prepare a light dinner, then Mr. Son went off to shower. I watched as the dogs continued their play in the living room.

Upon first glance it would have seemed it was a battle for dominance and submission. As Kiko would appear to be quite rough with Moose, he would then run under the sofa, along the back side, and peek out from one end or the other. Kiko would plant her body at one end, her attempt to guess which side he would reemerge I supposed. But, as I watched them, the suspicion came over me, they were playing a form of peek-a-boo I got you, she would rest her nose on the floor just on the outside edge of the sofa, and Moose would rest his nose very close to hers from underneath the sofa. She wouldn't move...waiting him out...and each time... he wouldn't be able to wait...I could hear his little tail thumping as he would slide his head out further and further until she would pounce on him. Over and over they played this game. Reminding me of similar games played with my children when they were toddlers.

In those moments, I was aware of nothing else except the pleasure of watching the two of them play. So involved in fact that I did not hear Miss Daughter's arrival until the front door opened.

I was content as---We exclaimed our pleasure at seeing one another. My spirit warming at the sight of her. More small joys filling me as I heard her voice. Feeling comfort at the feel of her embrace of hello. My admiration of her as she loosely, though gracefully, threw her body down upon the sofa, dangling her long strong legs out so Moose could run between them, all the while filling my ears with her chatter. My own smile widening, as I watched smiles flit across her face as she began to play with the dogs.

Soon Mr. Son joined us, another soul I love to observe. His movements slower, smoother, heavier than those of his sister. Two very opposite characters are my children. Miss Daughters movements mimic her internal world. Mr. Son's do not. His relaxed easy outer appearance, a mask to the intensity of his inner world.

As I examine the moments we three spend together, even when we are at odds with one another, there is a feeling of...of...hmmm...maybe...it is a form of tranquility. When we are all emotionally calm and relaxed, the atmosphere is the same. When there is discord among us, still, there is always an underlying feeling of acceptance, and a certain knowledge that it will blow over, we will be OK. An atmosphere often missing in my old home.

Only moments ago, I felt supreme contentment, joy, tranquility, and even curiosity. I was aware. Embraced with a sound that floods my heart with love and joy. I sat here at my computer reading the days most recent news, when I heard a sound that has filled me with pleasure for over 17 years. It was the sound of my two children laughing together, enjoying each other, sharing their ideas, opinions, and music with each other. All I could hear was the murmur of their voices under the sound of Tom Waits's raspy croon, and even when the more primal sound of Jack White's voice was issuing forth from the stereo speakers, I could hear the occasional burst of laughter, and more murmurs. A fleeting curiosity came over me to hear what they were talking about, but I allowed that to pass, as I simply allowed myself to revel in the sound of them, enjoying each other.

So...a life of unity. I sought definitions this week, attempting to understand. To define my life. To define my dreams, mild and wild dreams. Definitions which on appearance seem at odds with each other. But, they are not. They are unified within me, or will be.

If only I remember this feeling of almost unity when those moments come upon me, those moments when all I seem capable of holding onto is that feeling of gray.


Sixdegrees said...

What a wonderful piece of writing! Your experience, your story, has given concrete meaning to the abstract definitions of the words that we find in the dictionary.

The one word that has been rambling around in my brain for the past few days has been "engagement". About the importance of being fully engaged in what one is doing - the notion of "being in the moment", mindfully attentive to one's environment. Dogs (and cats, too) are really, really good at this.

And the best thing of all is arriving home and knowing that you are really "home", instead of just a visitor (and an unwelcome one, at that) intruding on someone else's domain.

PS. Color is sometimes the best antidote to gray.

deb said...

I felt so good after reading this, at peace and calm. It's amazing how much better life is when we can stay in the moment and just enjoy it.

And dogs, likes babies, always make me smile. They are unencumbered.

Sunny Delight said...

Thank you.
Being engaged...aware...I love those days when it happens on its own accord...there's nothing better.

Home...your description, "an unwelcme visitor"...it fits my old life so well.

It's nice to read that I was able to express those very feelings of peace and calm so that another could enjoy them too.