Tuesday, March 11, 2008

I Need a Map

I am flawed. I am human. I make mistakes, unfortunately more often than I wish to contemplate, I make the same mistake several times over before I learn from the making of it.

I have spent my life punishing myself for not being what I considered as close to perfect as I could be. I have also spent most of my life punishing myself because another also considered me imperfect.

I have always known I wasn't, and never could be, but it was the act of seeking to be the best I could be that was important to me, in my seeking, I was focused, I had a goal.

In recent months, I feel as if I am no longer seeking to be my best, to do my best.

I don't like this me.

In the past when I felt my world was falling down around my ears, I kept my sanity, my inner strength by always seeking to do/be my very best in as many aspects of my life as I could. Always realizing that not every aspect of daily life will always get my best effort, something/someone always loses out when my attention is focused elsewhere.

But right now, today, I feel as I am failing everything. My old world is no more. It crashed, shattered, disappeared. I am creating a new world, a new life. But, somehow my best efforts are not in it.

A part of me thinks this is so, because I need a blueprint, a plan, a map to begin with, to center my focus upon. Once I have that, then I will feel more certain. It has never mattered to me if I end up deviating from a plan, as I long as I have a plan to begin with.

I haven't done that. I have no plan. No map for this new life I have embarked upon.

I once wrote somewhere, somewhen about my love of road trips, and traveling. Of how I may carry a map along with me, in case of coming to a dead end, but a few wrong turns, a few side roads taken, excites me. The deviations from the plan make any trip more worth while.

But I have no road map along with me now. Instead of feeling excited about the journey as I did almost ten months ago, I now feel lost before I have truly begun.

I am driving aimlessly. I am stuck on a never ending four lane freeway, one that seems to have no exits. Even if I made a U turn the destination would be the same. Nowhere.

The road sides are littered with trash, the discards of my fellow travelers, there are a few wildflowers poking their petaled heads up above the debris, but mostly I only see the ugliness lining the road sides. I see old abandoned cars (lives with no plan?), piles and piles of fast food wrappings scattered amidst the dried grasses, broken bits of styrofoam tumbling hither and yon along the median, a flattened lost lone shoe (how does that happen?), and roadside crosses decorated with faded silk flowers, forgotten.

I have no wish for a specific destination, and yet...

I want to do more than drift along this endlessly long road completely unsure, unknowing.

Each day I awake with renewed hope, that it will all fall into place. I will know which direction I want to be heading in. Instead, I follow this road just because it is there.

That isn't good enough for me.

I need to know if I am heading into the sun, or following the path of the moon.

After I know that. Then, I can give it my best shot. Then, I can dream.

Huge sigh, hugest of sighs.

It is the land of divorce I travel in...there is no road map.


Sixdegrees said...

Wonderful writing! No words of wisdom here, only an acknowledgement of shared humanity.

Maybe it is time to change the paradigm - time to stop the journey and take a good look at your map. Deep down inside, we all have the quiet space where our authentic self is. Find that space and let your voice speak.

Not easy.

Anonymous said...

I feel the same, cast adrift, rudderless, waiting. Katie was my rudder and now she's gone, or at least doesn't need me much anymore. I ran into an old friend at the gym today and she asked me what I was doing and I said, "I don't know". I could do anything but I don't know what I want to do.

I'm the same way with maps too, love em. Have a bunch of them in my glovebox. I think that's why I like lighthouses too and why I have a compass tattooed on my ass:)

Fiona said...

It's hardest when restrictions on direction are lifted. When we are told that we can do whatever we want. No breadcrumbs to follow, no directional signs that make any sense.

Sometimes we end up just standing in place, turning and looking at the possibilities but not knowing how to decide. Wanting someone to come along and tell us what to do.

But I don't think we stay in that place forever, maybe you need a little jolt, a push out in one direction. I don't know if you will be able to make that move yourself, whether someone will help you, or whether life will help make it for you. But I know it will come.

The world is out there Sunny, immobility is just a passing phase. While you can't move, use the time to deliberate with a ferocity I know you have inside you, a ferocity which comes from a hunger to really live.

In the land of divorce, we have to make our own maps, find the path we wish to tread, in this uncharted territory. Settle for being just a little less than your best, for a while, so that you can find some traction that works for you and from that, regain momentum.

Big big hugs


Sunny Delight said...

I do read wisdom here. It is time to stop...time to listen carefully...the answers are there within me...I know this...because no matter how often I allow the grief to overcome me...I also feel a little bit of serenity in knowing I made the right choice for me...

I am so tired of the dreary scenery...perhaps it is time to make my own exit off the freeway...I don't drive a jeep for nothin' ~smile~

It is a time of waiting...and perhaps I chomp at the bit because I sometimes feel as if I have been waiting, and waiting, and waiting...for what I do not know.

It's funny...though it shouldn't be as it always happens this way...once I write the feelings out...I find some sort of answer...even if I don't like the answer I find. This time I did like the answer, because I realized there are moments in each day when I am doing the best I can...and I can accept that it is good enough...for now.

My compass is in my head...sometimes it is just a little off.

In a sense you are right my friend...so many choices...

Which to choose, and which to let go of? I have always had a hard time letting go.

I can't choose now, and really know I am not ready to. But, sometimes the hunger for what will be/can be/could be...leaves me feeling so hollow.

So yes, I must hunker down a little longer, wait for the final ending of one portion of my life...then for just a tiny bit of time, maybe I will allow myself to race ahead into the future with a smile on my face, and joy in my heart. Gain some momentum for the hills ahead of me.

Thank you my friend. BBGR!.